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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just got a 'save the date' for a 2026 wedding

224 replies

Elizawho36 · 22/10/2023 10:36

Basically as the title reads for one of my friends wedding. We are in our mid 30's and whilst I'll of course be there, I can't help but feel sending them this early is a tad ridiculous! I know she's excited but every convo is about the wedding and going venue searching and it all seems odd to be for a wedding nearly 3 years away Confused

Having said that I did get engaged to married in less than 12 months which I know isn't the norm.

YABU - she's just excited
YANBU - its way too early!

OP posts:
AgaMM · 22/10/2023 12:45

Where is the wedding out of curiosity? As in what part of the UK?

Tiddlywinkly · 22/10/2023 12:48

Each to their own I guess. She might need to save up a lot for their dream wedding? They might not have much financial help from family maybe?

There was a little over a year between my engagement and wedding and by the end I'd had enough of the organising and planning.

I would be p*ed off if that's the only thing she talks about from now on. Tedious.

BabyBabyBaby123 · 22/10/2023 12:49

@Mothership4two It is a bit, she was one of my bridesmaids, but completely ghosted me after the birth of my DD.
I know she has had fertility issues and we speak in passing now, but are nowhere near as close as we were before DD was born, but I can understand that it might be difficult for her.
I just hope she had a lovely day! Her pics on social media are gorgeous.

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 22/10/2023 12:52

You don't sound like a very nice friend to be honest.

How would you have felt if people told you to slow down a tad.

PinkRoses1245 · 22/10/2023 12:53

That’s crazy! If anything more people will forget about that. I’d only send maximum 1 year in advance

Needeyebrows · 22/10/2023 12:54

That is ridiculous. As a guest I wouldnt be specifically saving a date so far ahead.

DH cousin and his wife planned their wedding over two years in advance. It was awful being around the future wife during the planning. Only talked about wedding, honeymoon etc. Wedding was the worse I have ever been too and we actually left early and went to the afters of another wedding we had been invited to. Groom was too drunk to notice and bride stayed with her own family and was too busy in the bridal suite couting all the money they got. They are now divorced.

AirFryerFrequentFlyer · 22/10/2023 12:54

2chocolateoranges · 22/10/2023 11:18

Seems a bit strange but as it’s a destination wedding it’s maybe to encourage people to save for going.

I have a friend who got engaged and booked the wedding for 2 years later then got miffed when other friends were getting engaged and married before her wedding day.

we got engaged in a December and married the next spring, we thought , why wait?

Op clearly says in the first line of her third post it's NOT a destination wedding ConfusedConfusedConfused

shivawn · 22/10/2023 12:55

Yeah it's a bit silly but it's okay if it's just a save the date.

I had a cousin who set an RSVP date for 15 months before the wedding. She was upset when loads of people who RSVP-ed attending pulled out before the wedding and she ended up still having to pay for them because her venue had a minimum numbers requirement but it was just way too far in advance to ask for that commitment.

therealcookiemonster · 22/10/2023 12:56

dress shopping this early? of course... nothing could go wrong...🙄

PinkLemons99 · 22/10/2023 12:56

Sounds like a Bridezilla in training. Ugh!

LimePi · 22/10/2023 12:56

If the date is important to her I see no problem with save the date message

Fionaville · 22/10/2023 13:00

YANBU Talk about dragging it out. But then I'm a mardy cow, because I take 'Save the date!' as a command and I don't like it one bit. Just invite me, don't tell me what to do 😅

2chocolateoranges · 22/10/2023 13:02

AirFryerFrequentFlyer · 22/10/2023 12:54

Op clearly says in the first line of her third post it's NOT a destination wedding ConfusedConfusedConfused

Show quote history

And I clearly scan read it! Silly me.

PeachesAndTea · 22/10/2023 13:20

I think she can just plan her wedding how she likes. Maybe they need three years of planning to pay for it? I don’t see any of this of a big deal. You’re going to go anyway and so what does it matter if she sends out an early save the date.

As for talking about it, she’s excited! The initial excitement will calm down soon - I’m sure you were excited when you were planning yours.

AlexaCanYouHearMe · 22/10/2023 13:22

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 22/10/2023 12:52

You don't sound like a very nice friend to be honest.

How would you have felt if people told you to slow down a tad.

You don't sound like a very nice friend to be honest.

🙄 There's always one.

PeachesAndTea · 22/10/2023 13:27

Calmdown14 · 22/10/2023 11:37

I don't really understand long engagements. I get the booking venues up to about a year but I feel like beyond that it's quite a pressure to put on a relationship.

I do wonder if it contributes to many short marriages.

Like your friend it all becomes about the wedding almost like putting on a show rather than the relationship.

It makes it very hard to decide something isn't working or that you are growing apart. Of course this isn't the case for everyone but I think that it is often a something to paper over certain cracks where as if it truly just about being married you tend to just book and get on with it and the date or venue don't necessarily have to be 'perfect' because it is about making a commitment and those things are just the dressing.

It's also a bloody long time to delay family if you are already in your 30s and this is something you want.

What?!

Mumsnet is the weirdest place about weddings. Yes it is a commitment and yes you could just book something and get on with it. But some couples would like like to celebrate with their families in a big way and that’s fine too.

there are so many reasons why someone may have a long engagement. Not everyone lives in exactly the same way. You can also have children before marriage and beyond your early 30s!

dontgobaconmyheart · 22/10/2023 13:30

I so agree it does seem ridiculous, anything could happen in that amount of time and I actually dont even think it's reasonable to request people save a date that far ahead, you couldn't possibly know where you'll be.

With that being said, I definitely wouldn't have said anything. It would make no meaningful difference to my life whatsoever so if my friend wanted to do that and was excited I would be letting them have it, and definitely not giving my opinion. She obviously thinks it's fine or wouldn't be doing it and essentially, it's harmless isn't it. As with any wedding, it will either happen or it won't and plenty don't or don't last regardless of the level of notice or anything else but there isn't much benefit or point to raising that.

ManchesterLu · 22/10/2023 13:31

I think it's far too early. If I got a save the date for something 3 years away I'd have completely forgotten (could save in phone but almost certainly wouldn't have the same one in 3 years time!)

A year in advance for STD and then 6 months before for invitations. That's the done thing.

She might want to book her venue if it's somewhere really popular, but there's no need for anything else until much nearer the time.

Notmetoo · 22/10/2023 13:33

Mumof2teens79 · 22/10/2023 10:55

But that's the whole point of a save the date.

They have booked the venue etc (lots do now book up 3 years in advance in high season) and she wants to make sure key people are there, or have the best chance to be, so you save the date...or not it's your choice, she is literally just telling people what the date is.
And yes obviously she is excited

It sounds as though she hasn't booked the venue just decided on the date she wants to get married
OP yanbu. A lot can happen in three years I don't think ta possible for friends etc to save a date three years away

Notmetoo · 22/10/2023 13:38

Mojodojocasahaus · 22/10/2023 11:12

We had to book 2.5 years in advance for a Saturday summer wedding in the venue we wanted 🤷‍♀️Could it be that?

Having said that we booked and then shut up about it for the next 18 months

They haven't booked the venue though they are still.looking at venues

Nowherenew · 22/10/2023 13:45

I think sending a ‘save the date’ card is fine - lots of people like to book Al holidays a couple years in advance or maybe planning their own wedding.

But hearing about it constantly would drive me insane.

Depending on how long she’s known she’s getting married, I’d give it a couple more weeks and then gently tell her that you’re done with wedding talk until closer to the time.

DarkDarkNight · 22/10/2023 13:54

If it’s booked then I understand sending save the dates out so somebody who really wants to be there can plan around if they need to, make sure it doesn’t clash with holidays or other events.

I couldn’t stand the wedding obsession for 3 years though, that’s ridiculous. I would just zone out. I’m really not that interested in any one else’s wedding.

starfishmummy · 22/10/2023 14:05

We recieved one almost 2 years ahead and that was way too long! Anything could have happened in the interim. Fortunately the wedding did go ahead and a great time was had by all.

FofB · 22/10/2023 14:08

I work in a wedding venue.

We have 2026 bookings. Usually 3 reasons

  1. There is a very specific date they want- e.g. the date they met or got engaged/birthday; and they don't want to compromise on the date. We had one that was adamant they wanted Halloween. Most couples have a general idea of when they want to get married (summer/winter etc) but some have a fixed date.
  2. Lots of couples are booking and taking more time to pay; e.g. a set amount every 6 months
  3. Some venues give you better prices if you book early.
Flatulence · 22/10/2023 14:16

I'll start by saying that I don't really understand prolonged engagements so the idea of being engaged in 2023 and not married til 2026 is strange to me.

However, assuming it's just a 'save the date' card and not an actual invite (i.e. you don't need to RSVP) then it's pretty harmless to send the cards out now - especially to very close friends and family who you absolutely want there. As others have said, I know people who book holidays 2yrs in advance so perhaps is the same.

Either way, while I don't think it's unreasonable to be a little puzzled, it is unreasonable to get especially concerned about it.

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