To hate spending Christmas with my DIL

[NanaZoZo]

I have 2 DC and one DSD, DS married, lives down south, has a 2 year old. DD and DSD live in Australia.
DS and DIL have taken over the hosting of Christmas. My DCs dad and I split when they were tiny (1 and 4) so for 25 years Christmas was them spending Christmas Eve and morning with their dad and coming to us after midday for dinner and the evening. This worked great as I’m not a massively festive person. Now we swap year as to who goes down for Christmas.
My DIL is lovely, we get on great, however she’s nothing like me. She didn’t have a great childhood and has no relationship with her parents, so now she places a high importance on Christmas for her DD and I think DS has indulged in it too.
Here is the issue - I hate it. It’s not necessarily over the top, it’s traditional. She likes everyone to dress up nicely, they buy expensive food (think Harrods and Fortnum and Mason). Luckily they keep the decor classy but they spent thousands on it including expensive Christmas only tableware. It’s all a bit much for me. I’d rather we stayed in PJs till noon, then threw on Christmas jumpers and had a nice roast. The day is quite rigid in her mind, it has to be Chinese on Christmas Eve even if we don’t fancy it, dinner is at 2 no negotiations on that either, she spends about an hour playing us Christmas songs on the piano and we all have to go a walk after dinner even if you just want to nap!!
Now like I say she’s lovely and it comes from a good place (she just wants DGD to have positive Christmas memories and tradition). But I really hate it, we had 2021 (when they had a 4 month old and still put on this grand Christmas) so it’s back to us this year, and I just can’t bring myself to look forward to it.
I’m half tempted to say we will come down on Boxing Day and spend the day lazily with DH and the dog. But I do want to see DGD on Christmas and I know she sill probably be more engaged this year which will make for fun. It would also be difficult to explain why we weren’t coming down as there is nothing keeping us up here. DH also thinks it’s just worse this year as last year we went to Australia for Christmas, and it was a busy one too (DSD has 3 kids to the DGC were ruling the day) so we haven’t had a chill at home Christmas since Covid.
WIBU to say we aren’t going down until Boxing Day, knowing it will probably hurt DIL, or should I suck it up, get in the festive spirit, go along with it all so we are part of DGD happy Christmas?

Yep sounds like you're being directed as though you are an extra on her stage show. Because it's a dil and you're a mil you'll be told to suck it up. If it was the other way round you'd be told you are quite right and also have a husband problem.
I don't like being itinerated like a part, so I wouldn't appreciate the bossy madam's Christmas bloody day.

@toadasoda could you link to that thread pls?

for 25 years Christmas was them spending Christmas Eve and morning with their dad and coming to us after midday for dinner and the evening. This worked great as I’m not a massively festive person. Now we swap year as to who goes down for Christmas.
My DIL is lovely, we get on great, however she’s nothing like me. She didn’t have a great childhood and has no relationship with her parents, so now she places a high importance on Christmas for her DD and I think DS has indulged in it too.

So for a quarter of a century, you got the Christmas you wanted, despite that sounding potentially quite miserable for your children (I HATED splitting Christmas day between parents and going from festive house of fun to low-key 'chilling' right in the middle of the action). And now you're being invited (not dictated) to join someone else's celebrations every other year and you're complaining?

I think apart from the walk I’d just go along with it, it sounds lovely to be fair. But I’d be faking an ankle injury to get out of the walk definitely 😂.

I vote do your own thing, and relax. It’s Christmas, I would like to do what I want on Christmas Day and haven’t once for 25 years

I could get behind not wanting to spend an hour listening to her play the piano.
But this just makes me sound like a judgemental cow, tbh:

Luckily they keep the decor classy but they spent thousands on it including expensive Christmas only tableware. It’s all a bit much for me

Luckily?! What, it would ruin your enjoyment of the day if she <the horror> didn’t use an Instagram inspired colour scheme? How does her choice of plate make any difference to your day?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4913282-its-beginning-to-look-a-lot-like-the-most-stressful-time-of-the-year

Luckily she is a good piano player and singer, used to sing and dance professionally but no one needs an hour of Christmas carols.

Buy her a record player and a couple of Christmas compilation albums this year and suggest playing those instead?

Just you and you husband at home Op. correct?

retired or nearing retirement?

Presumably a fair amount of time to spend your days, evenings and weekends precisely how you and your dh fancy

and yet here you are. One day. Important to your “lovely” DIL who had a shitty childhood

To be repeated to all the posters who don't want to spend Christmas Day with in-laws, it's '1 day' ?

I'll go in your place @NanaZoZo.

I don't go overboard like your DIL does, but I would hate to spend Christmas day, or any other day in fact, slobbing around in pyjamas. Not getting dressed makes me feel unmotivated and I don't feel like the day has started if I am not dressed.

If you sit there with a sour face I'm sure it affects their Christmas negatively as well.

What did your daughter do on Christmas Day when you were in Australia?

Something doesn't quite add up. I'm sorry but I feel you're slightly threatened that her Xmas is amazing and you never made much effort when your son was young (fair enough if you're not into it).

I'm suspecting your son loves his wife's xmas days? Did he even at some point say something like 'she organises the best Xmas..?'

I feel sorry for your DIL. She's making a huge effort and seems lovely. Just bail out of things you don't want to do.

Dong ding ding

*Ding

@Paltrypam It's a bit of a rant now I see it again. Bit embarrassed actually!!

"Luckily they keep the decor classy" 😅

Unless I was ill I wouldn't want to sit around in pyjamas all day. I genuinely don't see the fun in it, it sounds like being in a care home. Perhaps your daughter in law feels the same?

If you dont like her idea of Christmas and it's that bad for you just tell her you don't want to go.

@toadasoda yes I thought it was that one

a very very different scenario to this. As posters rightfully observed, you saying that November is a complete right-off due to all your Christmas prepping is completely OTT and you make so much work for yourself

'Luckily she is a good piano player and singer, used to sing and dance professionally but no one needs an hour of Christmas carols'

You say you prefer to lounge around. Well put comfy clothes on when she plays, and just lounge around on the sofa with your eyes closed or something?

It's like she can't win. 'Walk after dinner' - I just want to sit and relax. 'She plays piano for an hour' - i don't want to sit down for an hour.

This DIL she loves, who she describes as “lovely” who she gets on well with, who had a shitty childhood

To be honest I’d find this stressful too OP, but reading other people’s comments I do think they’re right - it’s important to her and given that you are welcomed and get on with her and want to see your DGD, as well as keeping relations good, it’s something you should indulge. You could think of it as one year you get to do your relaxed Christmas in pjs with dog (and I’m with you as that’s my preference too), and the next is a “working” Christmas where you have to make an effort for someone else.

I do think that pressuring a guest into doing something is a bit rude, but I can see in her case she’s desperate to “tableau” this lovely perfect Christmas (in her eyes) for her own reasons and deserves a bit of empathy. It’s very possible that she’ll chill out a bit over time, especially if they have more DC. She needs you to be like a mum in her life, and be understanding I think.

Just get the wine into you and go along with it.

Perfectly put.

I’ll go in your place, it sounds amazing!

You want to skip because she makes a massive effort- and did so even with a four month old!? Wow! Suck up whatever aspect you don't like and appreciate that she wants you in her life and welcomes you.