To hate spending Christmas with my DIL

[NanaZoZo]

I have 2 DC and one DSD, DS married, lives down south, has a 2 year old. DD and DSD live in Australia.
DS and DIL have taken over the hosting of Christmas. My DCs dad and I split when they were tiny (1 and 4) so for 25 years Christmas was them spending Christmas Eve and morning with their dad and coming to us after midday for dinner and the evening. This worked great as I’m not a massively festive person. Now we swap year as to who goes down for Christmas.
My DIL is lovely, we get on great, however she’s nothing like me. She didn’t have a great childhood and has no relationship with her parents, so now she places a high importance on Christmas for her DD and I think DS has indulged in it too.
Here is the issue - I hate it. It’s not necessarily over the top, it’s traditional. She likes everyone to dress up nicely, they buy expensive food (think Harrods and Fortnum and Mason). Luckily they keep the decor classy but they spent thousands on it including expensive Christmas only tableware. It’s all a bit much for me. I’d rather we stayed in PJs till noon, then threw on Christmas jumpers and had a nice roast. The day is quite rigid in her mind, it has to be Chinese on Christmas Eve even if we don’t fancy it, dinner is at 2 no negotiations on that either, she spends about an hour playing us Christmas songs on the piano and we all have to go a walk after dinner even if you just want to nap!!
Now like I say she’s lovely and it comes from a good place (she just wants DGD to have positive Christmas memories and tradition). But I really hate it, we had 2021 (when they had a 4 month old and still put on this grand Christmas) so it’s back to us this year, and I just can’t bring myself to look forward to it.
I’m half tempted to say we will come down on Boxing Day and spend the day lazily with DH and the dog. But I do want to see DGD on Christmas and I know she sill probably be more engaged this year which will make for fun. It would also be difficult to explain why we weren’t coming down as there is nothing keeping us up here. DH also thinks it’s just worse this year as last year we went to Australia for Christmas, and it was a busy one too (DSD has 3 kids to the DGC were ruling the day) so we haven’t had a chill at home Christmas since Covid.
WIBU to say we aren’t going down until Boxing Day, knowing it will probably hurt DIL, or should I suck it up, get in the festive spirit, go along with it all so we are part of DGD happy Christmas?

It sounds lovely but then this is how my Christmas has been spent since childhood (less luxurious but same spirit!)

Someone asked about how your DS feels about the ‘simpler’ Christmases you did when he was growing up, and I think that is an interesting Q. Maybe talk to him about it, could he feel like he missed out?

Please please for one day every two years just suck it up. I was your DIL. I envied the Christmases I thought everyone else was having as a child. When DC1 was born I went all out, still do and he's almost 30. You know why she does it. How much hardship is it in the grand scheme of things?

Be careful what you wish for OP

Her Christmas sounds wonderful

I doubt she makes you sit quietly to attention listening to her play the piano for an hour

A walk is good for your heath (physical and mental) at the festive season

Slob in your PJs the other 364

Don't be mean spirited at Christmas - esp to a lovely DIL who had a troubled childhood.

Your DS probably didn't have the best either
M

We live in the north they are London so we have to go for a couple of days, usually 23rd-27th. I don’t mind the rest so much, but I think I just need to suck it up.

Luckily they keep the decor classy

😂😂😂

It's every other year! Jeez!
It sounds like your grandchildren are all having far better Christmases than their parents did when they were younger.

We used to have lovely family Christmases but both my parents have died, one sibling lives away and another spends time with his daughter and her family, so it's just the four of us here. We make sure to do fun things but I'd love a big family Christmas like I used to have.

I'd suck it up this year. Next year start planning quit Christmas at home in your rotation, starting with 2024.

I think you’ve been given a hard time here, OP!

It sounds extremely regimented! You’re told what to do, what to wear, when to eat, when to sit down and listen to the piano playing, then told you’re going for a walk!

I wouldn’t like this either!

I can imagine if it was the DIL in this position you wouldn’t have been given such a hard time.

the wants of middle aged women on mumsnet really don’t matter a jot do they?!

OP you MUST go along with absolutely everything for the sake of family harmony

The piano playing would drive me nuts. Do you have to sit and look appreciative? My cousin plays if ever I spend the holiday with family and I get jaw ache from the constant fixed smile (grinch!)

I’m another ‘suck it up’ whilst your dgd is little, it’s all about the children when they’re small, imo. You’d probably hate to miss out on it, even tho it sounds very forced.

You sound judgmental and resentful. Maybe your son isn’t ‘indulging’ your DIL and ‘ganging’ up on you with Christmas plans.

Maybe he enjoys someone making an effort and celebrating the day in contrast to your attitude and lack of effort.

I don’t think you do like your DIL or ‘get on’ with her - you are being incredibly scathing and snobby of someone who is making more effort for her family than you did or will.

It sounds like a wonderful Christmas if you ask me. She sounds a fabulous host and you sound a bit of a slob, never in my life would I spend Christmas Day in pyjamas. Best clobber all the way for me. Singing songs around the piano with grandchildren, lovely food, beautiful decorations and walk sound really lovely. Many would give their right arm for Christmas Day like you have described, but can’t afford it, don’t see their grandchildren, working in hospitals, lost touch with family etc. Can you not grin and bear it and just eat the Harrods food off the beautiful crockery for one day? Sounds awful I know but maybe take one for the team this year?

I go all out for Christmas - expensive table settings, traditionally decorated house, Christmas music on, board games, baking with the children, etc etc.

it’s expensive and it’s a lot of work. I would be devastated if I thought my guests hated it!!

I do it because hosting of Christmas has called to me - I am the childless aunt so I never want the kids to look back on Christmas and wish they had stayed at home!!

you DIL sounds lovely. It might not be your thing but lots of people would dream of being invited to that type of Christmas

I think you should go.Your DIL sounds like a lovely girl. Christmas is a time for families to be together after all.You can stay over and come home to a relax for Boxing Day ! DGC to see opening her pressies as well

23rd to 27th is quite long, could you do the last day in a hotel for a bit of adult relaxation.

Sounds like my ideal Christmas Day. I love getting dressed up for dinner. Would love a Christmas dinner set but just can't justify it.

This does come across like dil tries hard to make Christmas a really good day for her family, including you, and you are scoffing at that and how much effort she puts in.

Having said that, I cringe at the thought of her sitting everyone down and performing for an hour at the piano.

Boxing Day however we stay in PJs all day and just eat leftovers.

@TerribleWoman

“my favourite christmasses are the ones no one comes and it's just my little family in a cocoon”

urgh hate that term! Are other people not family? Your parents? Your husbands parents? Siblings? Cousins? Aunts and uncles? Nieces and nephews? No?

Not forced to sit and watch as such but DS goes and stands by her and my DH finds her piano skills bewildering so looks over her like a hawk, if I just sit on the sofa and listen I’ll look rude!! Maybe DGD will be keen to play this year so I can sit with her and avoid the hour of just listening!

And you say you 'hate' spending Christmas day with your DIL. That's quite a strong word. Do you really?

I can see the OP’s point of view. A timetabled day wearing formal clothes and being guilt tripped into joining in with the activities is not what I’d choose for a Christmas Day. Sounds too much like a work team bonding day.
The DIL does sound a bit selfish, and I wonder how stressful it is for the DS and DGC to make sure everything is perfect for her. I wonder what the DGC really think of it ? I bet when they are independent their Xmas days will be spent in their pyjamas with a takeaway pizza!

I think I’d just steel myself and go along with it for one day, I mean, but would find excuses to miss the Chinese takeaway, the walk and compulsory fun activities.

Maybe this Is your sons ideal Christmas too. Your circumstances were different but his Christmas wasn't from " its a wonderful life " either so they just want it to be different for their Dd don't put all this on your dil that's not fair.

As adults we sometimes try and create the Christmases for our children that we wanted to have when we were children. I doubt that this is driven entirely by your DIL. You may want to reflect on that.
I have no doubt that my own children will want to do things differently; I’ll have had my 25 years of my traditions, and it will be time to allow them to create theirs.

I can imagine if it was the DIL in this position you wouldn’t have been given such a hard time.

Of course a DIL wouldn't be given such a hard time, such is the hypocrisy of MN, MILs and men are almost always in the wrong, whatever the reality.