To hate spending Christmas with my DIL

[NanaZoZo]

I have 2 DC and one DSD, DS married, lives down south, has a 2 year old. DD and DSD live in Australia.
DS and DIL have taken over the hosting of Christmas. My DCs dad and I split when they were tiny (1 and 4) so for 25 years Christmas was them spending Christmas Eve and morning with their dad and coming to us after midday for dinner and the evening. This worked great as I’m not a massively festive person. Now we swap year as to who goes down for Christmas.
My DIL is lovely, we get on great, however she’s nothing like me. She didn’t have a great childhood and has no relationship with her parents, so now she places a high importance on Christmas for her DD and I think DS has indulged in it too.
Here is the issue - I hate it. It’s not necessarily over the top, it’s traditional. She likes everyone to dress up nicely, they buy expensive food (think Harrods and Fortnum and Mason). Luckily they keep the decor classy but they spent thousands on it including expensive Christmas only tableware. It’s all a bit much for me. I’d rather we stayed in PJs till noon, then threw on Christmas jumpers and had a nice roast. The day is quite rigid in her mind, it has to be Chinese on Christmas Eve even if we don’t fancy it, dinner is at 2 no negotiations on that either, she spends about an hour playing us Christmas songs on the piano and we all have to go a walk after dinner even if you just want to nap!!
Now like I say she’s lovely and it comes from a good place (she just wants DGD to have positive Christmas memories and tradition). But I really hate it, we had 2021 (when they had a 4 month old and still put on this grand Christmas) so it’s back to us this year, and I just can’t bring myself to look forward to it.
I’m half tempted to say we will come down on Boxing Day and spend the day lazily with DH and the dog. But I do want to see DGD on Christmas and I know she sill probably be more engaged this year which will make for fun. It would also be difficult to explain why we weren’t coming down as there is nothing keeping us up here. DH also thinks it’s just worse this year as last year we went to Australia for Christmas, and it was a busy one too (DSD has 3 kids to the DGC were ruling the day) so we haven’t had a chill at home Christmas since Covid.
WIBU to say we aren’t going down until Boxing Day, knowing it will probably hurt DIL, or should I suck it up, get in the festive spirit, go along with it all so we are part of DGD happy Christmas?

You mention the grandchildren in Australia last year 'ruling the day' which really stands out - these are children living on the other side of the world and your phrasing suggests you slightly resent them being prioritised on Christmas Day? From your description of the way you split Christmas and had to work on Christmas Eve, it sounds like you missed a lot of the 'magic' - your ex husband got it all with your kids if he got Christmas Eve and morning - and you have a really different experience and expectation of what Christmas is to the way your adult children do it for their own kids. Maybe you just aren't into it, maybe it's painful to feel like you missed something in your kids' childhoods (I can't imagine being a police officer on Christmas Eve is much fun, you must have seen a lot of bleakness), maybe you've never had the chance to have Christmas the way you want it. If you really don't want to go, you just have to say you want your own quiet Christmas at home; they might not mind or they might be offended. You do have a right to have the Christmas you want, but have to weigh up which is the better scenario - being hosted in a way you don't really enjoy or risking a bit of a fall out. I think a lot of us end up in some version of that over the festive season - it's very loaded with obligations and emotions!

Just go along with it all for everyone's sake, especially your GC, and have a good whinge to your DH later back home. As everyone says it is only one day. Many of us have relatives who celebrate things in ways we don't like or appreciate but for the sake of family harmony we have to go along with it.

a walk is better than a nap imo
a huge lunch makes me feel groggy

You sound so miserable. Just go & be grateful for your family.

God, I would be totally thrilled if you said you were coming boxing day. I only invite my MIL out of obligation. I like her, but my favourite christmasses are the ones no one comes and it's just my little family in a cocoon, and where we do Christmas the way we like without accommodating or upsetting anybody.

I’m team carols at the piano. In fact, DM bought a baby grand a few months ago so I have high hopes for this Christmas. But ok, it’s not your thing. Still, it’s one day, and even if it’s a bit regimented it’s nothing truly appalling.

Can you plan something nice for when you get home? Maybe some kind of anti-Christmas day with horror movies, Motörhead, or something you would enjoy that eclipses the sugary sweetness of a ‘traditional’ Christmas? Having something to look forward to might make the day go a bit faster.

We’ve got one side of the family that slob about in pjs on Christmas Day and ‘eat what they want’. They are FUCKING MISERABLE. Without exception they are depressed. There’s no structure to their lives and they can’t cope with the idea of structure so they think they want a relaxed Christmas but that actually means a careless Christmas. I’d be going to your lovely DIL. I agree that Life’s too short to care too much about Christmas decor, but it’s too short NOT to make an effort for those we love.

It’s quite disturbing actually

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here, OP.

There are threads on MN every year about people wanting a nice, quiet, relaxed Christmas at home without having to get dressed or leave the house - and every year those posters are told "do what you want, it's Christmas!".

However that being said, it's not like this is every Christmas and as you're retired or close to retirement, it's not like you're having to squeeze all your time off into a few days. You have all year to have a lazy Sunday roast with DH in your pajamas if that's what you enjoy.

Could you speak to your DS and ask how they would feel if you did your own thing on Xmas day they saw them on boxing day instead? My parents got to the stage where they decided that they'd rather have a quiet Xmas day to themselves and see grand children etc on another, less hectic, day. I think they expected that family members would be upset but actually it made the whole thing less stressful for everyone.

I think her Christmas sounds so lovely, really Christmassy! I always find Christmas a bit flat. I’ll go in your place.

It’s 1 day every two years stop being selfish and suck it up for the sake of your family and the beautiful memories your daughter in law is working so hard to create, at the end of the day there will be a time when memories become the most treasured possession you can make the effort if not for her for your son and grandchild

You don't have to do anything at all except listen to her sing, go for a walk, eat the expensive food that has been bought and cooked for you, get to see your granddaughter, and spend time with people you get on with? And you're complaining about doing this for one day a year. Get a grip OP.

I am in camp suck it up. It's one day every other year.

It sounds like this is really important to her and it's not even as if you need to do it every year.

Don't do this....

DIL has ‘taken over’ hosting?

she places a high importance on Christmas for her DD and I think DS has indulged in it too.

Luckily they keep the decor classy

OP: most of MN is parents of young children wanting to stay at home, I.e not drag their children mile to grandparents. Wanting to make their own Christmas Traditions with their own kids.

The seething resentment against your DIL , your Ds has ‘indulged’ her in it is unfair and sounds toxic. You sound sneery and snobby about what they enjoy to do

Fair enough: you are not a ‘festive’ person and Christmas when your kids were young was defined by the need to move the kids between houses.

For now: either go, and enter into the spirit, how hard could it be to sing along to Christmas songs with the DGC for an hour? Be proud and amused that your Ds - for yes, it is equally your Ds - is choosing to make a big event if Christmas. Enjoy it! Enjoy the hospitality and the DGC.

Do not go and seethe and inwardly roll your eyes etc. Remember: your Ds had how many years of Christmas as you managed it!

Or don’t go. But don’t expect them to do anything extra on Boxing Day that they wouldn’t normally do. Don’t cause them to cook a big meal if it would normally be leftovers.

Overall: your DGC will be teens all too soon and spending Christmas in a monosyllabic relationship with their tech.

Your choice.

You Can sit In your pyjamas.on boxing day.

She sounds like a good mum trying to give her DD what she never had. Suck it up for your granddaughter, op. Have a lazy day on boxing day? Or plan another day after where you know you'll be in pjs all day with DH with nothing to do.

OP, this reads terribly. Come on. She is working her guts out to make it a nice inclusive day. Give your son that one day a year. Honestly. You are not doing any of the work. She is. All you have to do is eat nice food that someone has cooked for you, go for a walk and listen to someone play the piano. Honestly, suck it up.

You've twice used 'indulges' her - that's your son and husband. Would you prefer them to pour scorn and criticise her full-on day?

Many grandparents complain that DIL is hostile, invites only her parents, allows a one hour visit on Xmas Day, etc.

She sounds a nice girl who makes a big effort.

I’d love an hour of carols from a former professional! Can’t get enough of Carols from King’s. Get into the spirit of the formality and tradition – offer to forage for holly and ivy to deck the halls, we used to do this on Christmas Eve and drape it over the banisters and such; suggest doing it candlelit. If you accept this is the way it is, rather than hoping she’ll suddenly become a pyjama person, you might enjoy it more? And if not, it sounds like absolutely the atmosphere where you can start day drinking champagne at breakfast.

This reminds me of the Miranda Christmas special where Miranda and her friends reject her mother's carefully orchestrated Christmas Day plans but then end up at her mum's anyway because they realise it's the best Christmas

Your DIL sounds lovely. Some families never see each other at Christmas. You could have it a lot worse. We all do things differently. For one day I'm sure you can put up with it.

If your DIL's on here and sees this, you might find that you no longer have a problem......

I was with you until you said the thing about DGC ruling the day in Australia.

It makes me wonder if you are being a bit grumpy about the whole thing and possibly hard to please?

As DIL has strict timings, I would try and go for a particular part of the day, and try and bring some Christmas cheer with you.

With a 4 year old in the house things will be different - 4 year old might want someone to play with while parents are cooking etc!

That is unless you would consider that ruling Christmas too???