To hate spending Christmas with my DIL

[NanaZoZo]

I have 2 DC and one DSD, DS married, lives down south, has a 2 year old. DD and DSD live in Australia.
DS and DIL have taken over the hosting of Christmas. My DCs dad and I split when they were tiny (1 and 4) so for 25 years Christmas was them spending Christmas Eve and morning with their dad and coming to us after midday for dinner and the evening. This worked great as I’m not a massively festive person. Now we swap year as to who goes down for Christmas.
My DIL is lovely, we get on great, however she’s nothing like me. She didn’t have a great childhood and has no relationship with her parents, so now she places a high importance on Christmas for her DD and I think DS has indulged in it too.
Here is the issue - I hate it. It’s not necessarily over the top, it’s traditional. She likes everyone to dress up nicely, they buy expensive food (think Harrods and Fortnum and Mason). Luckily they keep the decor classy but they spent thousands on it including expensive Christmas only tableware. It’s all a bit much for me. I’d rather we stayed in PJs till noon, then threw on Christmas jumpers and had a nice roast. The day is quite rigid in her mind, it has to be Chinese on Christmas Eve even if we don’t fancy it, dinner is at 2 no negotiations on that either, she spends about an hour playing us Christmas songs on the piano and we all have to go a walk after dinner even if you just want to nap!!
Now like I say she’s lovely and it comes from a good place (she just wants DGD to have positive Christmas memories and tradition). But I really hate it, we had 2021 (when they had a 4 month old and still put on this grand Christmas) so it’s back to us this year, and I just can’t bring myself to look forward to it.
I’m half tempted to say we will come down on Boxing Day and spend the day lazily with DH and the dog. But I do want to see DGD on Christmas and I know she sill probably be more engaged this year which will make for fun. It would also be difficult to explain why we weren’t coming down as there is nothing keeping us up here. DH also thinks it’s just worse this year as last year we went to Australia for Christmas, and it was a busy one too (DSD has 3 kids to the DGC were ruling the day) so we haven’t had a chill at home Christmas since Covid.
WIBU to say we aren’t going down until Boxing Day, knowing it will probably hurt DIL, or should I suck it up, get in the festive spirit, go along with it all so we are part of DGD happy Christmas?

Home?
Visiting?
alone?
Family?
Friends?

my attire would depend on the company but even on my own… wouldn’t be blooming pjs all day. For many reasons but mainly the Christmas walks are one of my highlights

The idea of sitting opposite my MIL or indeed any adult over Christmas lunch and toasting champers… and we’re all in our PJs would make me feel a touch queasy tbh

like I was a family in a Shameless Xmas special

This is Mn, though, where people experience their own normal daytime clothing as so uncomfortable, they tip their bra off once inside the front door and immediately put on pyjamas at about 5 pm. I can appreciate that some types of non-neurotypical people do have heightened textural sensitivity, and some people wear heavy or restrictive work uniforms, but I can’t help wondering why other people seem to be made so uncomfortable by ordinary clothing, or to equate ‘formal’ with ‘restrictive?

@gamerchick

lots of people wanna get dressed up and be glam on Christmas Day! You can slob about in an hoodie any old day !

😂😂

Its one day just suck it up and enjoy being with your family make an effort but if your going to be miserable dont spoil it for them stay at home

I've always had a similar 'structure' to my Christmas Day since I was a child ... stocking from Father Christmas before breakfast, Church, home for 2pm ish lunch, King's speech, walk, presents afterwards, board games, film in the evening ... I didn't realise that it seems that is a rigid timetable? Occasionally we would eat in the evening if a family member was working for example. I don't dress OTT but would never slob around in PJs and the thought of guests doing that would horrify me. Love the idea of carols, we are not musical but listen to carols in the background.
Surely the host is reasonable to have a plan of how the day is 'structured'?

I'm the very same, that is part of what makes Christmas so fun. My day is very similar to yours, minus the monarch's speech. The OP's ideal Christmas sounds pretty rubbish to me!

Except the OP has never suggested this. In her opening post she said she’d rather relax until around midday and then put a Christmas jumper on. Nowhere does she suggest eating lunch in her pyjamas.

Yet, you appear to be doing the judging those who do it differently to you. 😂

Wasn’t addressing it to the op

she left ages ago

You definitely need to just suck it up, but FWIW I would not particularly love this.

It sounds like an Instagram Christmas or a fictional Christmas from a film rather than real life. I would not enjoy feeling like I was playing a cameo role in somebody else's tableau or fantasy of the "perfect family Christmas." Moreover, to me, forcing everyone to listen to you play the piano and sing for an hour seems quite controlling and self-absorbed.

Perhaps my view is coloured by own experience as I personally find Christmas Day hugely stressful. Every year I spend it in a setting not of my choosing (because if we didn't go along with it it would cause a big argument) with a smile plastered on my face, feigning unending gratitude for something which I never asked or wanted people to do and which they chose to do because they enjoy it.

I'm autistic and I think that's probably the reason but I find being forced to pretend to like and enjoy things that I don't - or am indifferent towards - very difficult.

I can’t see anyone else suggesting it either.

Seriously

you have missed all the posts saying how much they enjoy Christmas in their pjs? I think you need to scroll back to see the side-discussion that was ongoing

It was nothing to do with the op
it was a discussion about Christmas Day spent entirely In pjs. Upthread

OP, if I was your DIL and you didn’t turn up until Boxing Day when you have a grandchild, I’d be incredibly hurt.. I’d possibly not want to invite you again.
please get your head in the right place and see what you have in front of you - many people would kill for what you have. Wear pyjamas the rest of the year

Said nowt about a hoodie.

That's my point. A lot of people want to dress up, a lot of people don't. There's no wrong way of doing Christmas day.

Made me properly laugh that, cheers so many indignant question marks.

Bollox “that’s my point” @gamerchick

to quote… you

Christmas day is shower and new comfy PJ's and an oodie. It's Christmas day. Who tf wants to get dressed up?

I do hope your dil isn't on mumsnet. !

you can have a day by the tele and where pjs any day just one day

It sounds like a perfect Christmas Day to me. I'm a nurse so my Christmas day is usually the beginning or the end of the day, rarely do I get a full day off.

You say you like your DIL. You sound very condescending and patronising. If you genuinely can't face one solitary day of the year having a day 'like a Hallmark movie' then sit in your slobby PJ's and eat quality street on your own.

If you were my MIL, and I read this thread, I would immediately withdraw your invitation to come to ours for Christmas,

Bless you.

Thank you and may God bless you too