To hate spending Christmas with my DIL

[NanaZoZo]

I have 2 DC and one DSD, DS married, lives down south, has a 2 year old. DD and DSD live in Australia.
DS and DIL have taken over the hosting of Christmas. My DCs dad and I split when they were tiny (1 and 4) so for 25 years Christmas was them spending Christmas Eve and morning with their dad and coming to us after midday for dinner and the evening. This worked great as I’m not a massively festive person. Now we swap year as to who goes down for Christmas.
My DIL is lovely, we get on great, however she’s nothing like me. She didn’t have a great childhood and has no relationship with her parents, so now she places a high importance on Christmas for her DD and I think DS has indulged in it too.
Here is the issue - I hate it. It’s not necessarily over the top, it’s traditional. She likes everyone to dress up nicely, they buy expensive food (think Harrods and Fortnum and Mason). Luckily they keep the decor classy but they spent thousands on it including expensive Christmas only tableware. It’s all a bit much for me. I’d rather we stayed in PJs till noon, then threw on Christmas jumpers and had a nice roast. The day is quite rigid in her mind, it has to be Chinese on Christmas Eve even if we don’t fancy it, dinner is at 2 no negotiations on that either, she spends about an hour playing us Christmas songs on the piano and we all have to go a walk after dinner even if you just want to nap!!
Now like I say she’s lovely and it comes from a good place (she just wants DGD to have positive Christmas memories and tradition). But I really hate it, we had 2021 (when they had a 4 month old and still put on this grand Christmas) so it’s back to us this year, and I just can’t bring myself to look forward to it.
I’m half tempted to say we will come down on Boxing Day and spend the day lazily with DH and the dog. But I do want to see DGD on Christmas and I know she sill probably be more engaged this year which will make for fun. It would also be difficult to explain why we weren’t coming down as there is nothing keeping us up here. DH also thinks it’s just worse this year as last year we went to Australia for Christmas, and it was a busy one too (DSD has 3 kids to the DGC were ruling the day) so we haven’t had a chill at home Christmas since Covid.
WIBU to say we aren’t going down until Boxing Day, knowing it will probably hurt DIL, or should I suck it up, get in the festive spirit, go along with it all so we are part of DGD happy Christmas?

They do Boxing Day in comfy clothes too, so we will have Boxing Day to relax.

@LuckySantangelo35 give over. Nothing to do with Middle Aged women sucking anything up and everything to do with a woman who clearly resents her DIL for no other reason than she makes an effort on Christmas Day!

They are my wider family, not the nuclear family my partner and I made together.

Not everyone is close to their wider family. I love them all, but some of them drive me mad and I am sure vice versa as well.

And no, I am as my username suggests a terrible woman but as an introvert I don't want to be hosting my aunts and uncles or cousins or their kids. I like my little group better. Is that not ok?

Since my DGD is only two I doubt she has thought too hard about it!!
I can’t tell if my son enjoys it or indulges, I think he likes the luxury element and being a good host but I don’t know if he’s sold on it being timetabled.

Yes I was just thinking that.

You sound like my mother - utterly scornful of anything that isn't done the way she would do it. Funnily enough she doesn't get invited to anything anymore because her scornful attitude ruins everything.

What does your ex hubby do on the Christmases he misses? Maybe ask him to do this year’s Christmas he might live them and you go Boxing Day.

You could do your pj day when you get home on the 28th or any other day over the festive period when you’re at home.

I can’t understand why it doesn’t tug on your heart strings that DIL had a rough childhood and is working so hard to ensure her own children have wonderful memories, she has better adult memories and, I’m sure, you have nice memories of Christmas with your grandchildren. She’s trying to put right part of what was wrong in her past. Bless her.

I'd adore your DiL's Christmas. I grew up in laid-back pyjama-wearing Christmas household, with Christmas split between divorced parents, and I enjoyed it at the time, but now I'm an adult I love a more formal Christmas day and a lazy boxing day.

You don't have to sacrifice your Christmasses to other people, though. Maybe have one year in Australia, one year in London and one year to do as you please. But it's too late to spring that on everyone this year, so mention it in February so everyone can get their head around the idea and make plans.

It sounds like your DS didn't have great childhood Christmases either.

It is understandable why your DIL and DS want a very different Christmas for their DC.

Im not sure I’d imagine he’s with his wife’s side of the family.

They do Boxing Day in comfy clothes too, so we will have Boxing Day to relax.

Is there a dress code? 🤣

I bet there’s no wandering to the fridge and picking at the leftovers when you fancy it, or squabbling over the Quality Streets and what you’re watching in the tv.

I think a lot of the suck it up responses are from people who think the day sounds lovely (I do!) but if it's not your thing then you don't have to do it. It's the suggestion of judgement - the children rule the day, she's spent too much money, she's calling the shots and being 'indulged' - that are a bit unpleasant. It makes me wonder if OP is a bit like my mil who tends to see people doing things differently to her as criticism of her choices. She gets a bit defensive and panicky when she comes for Christmas with lots of 'we never did that / our children never had that' etc. She's rattled by any decisions we make that she didn't - she likes to be the best, be a matriarchal source of authority and she seems to feel like everything is a competition when it really isn't.

I am in favour of people setting boundaries and having the Christmas that suits them rather than travelling all over, feeling dictated to, getting stressed and not enjoying themselves but sometimes that does require awkward conversations and it depends if you feel it's worth it or not.

You are being invited to a day your DIL has spent money and time on in order to make it special. I know these things aren’t for everyone but just go and try to enjoy it. Could you take a game for after dinner, make up a quiz, or involve everyone in some sort of task that could be an alternative to songs or a walk?

It doesn’t sound that bad. Just say you’re feeling tired after dinner and don’t fancy a walk, if you don’t. They won’t make you!

Or say you would prefer to come on Boxing Day as you fancy a quiet Christmas Day - your choice .

Do they come to you every other year? How would you like it if she decided not to come anymore and just have Christmas as her little family with her husband and dd?

Be careful of your steps here, one foot wrong and you may not see them in Christmas ever again.

It sounds regimental to me too but it’s their house.

The first time that I had Christmas at home with just DH, DS and DD, I felt so relieved that I didn't have to get all dressed up with make up etc. I didn't realise that I felt this pressure from my extended family. My parents and sister enjoy posh meals but sometimes it does feel like it's all about appearances (not just us, but the tableware, decorations etc, all colour themed). So I think YANBU, why not treat yourself to a Christmas the way you prefer it this year. Visit your family on Boxing Day, I'm sure your DGD will be thrilled to see you.

Maybe they would just like a quiet Christmas and don't want to say

I’m with @Flyingalone - the Australian Christmas wasn’t right and the London one isn’t either. That seems a bit mean-spirited.

Sounds like OP might feel a bit threatened by the contrast with the Christmases her family had when her children were small.

God I wish they had quality streets it’s always the stupidly expensive hotel chocolat chocolates they offer!!
Once Christmas Day is over DIL is very relaxed about it (frankly they make far too much food so there are always large amounts of left overs). It’s just that one day of living in a Hallmark movie that gets me.

It sounds lovely and given her background she is making Christmas a lovely family time.

You have said that you are not 'festive' but as it's only once a year I think you should suck it up and be pleased that you are actually invited!

I think when the kids are little it's more magical for them. Once they're teens, they will not be wanting to walk and listen to piano and dress up nicely.

I'd indulge her for now as it's about memories for the children and making their Christmas amazing in a way hers wasn't. She won't be doing it with uncooperative teenagers so let her have it perfect while she can.

Who says you can't bring a box of quality street?

Not forced to sit and watch as such but DS goes and stands by her and my DH finds her piano skills bewildering so looks over her like a hawk

I think this is key to the whole situation. Plain old green eyed monster.

If you can go and be gracious and enjoy it then go. If you are likely to be ungracious and have little digs and do cat bum faces, then don't go and visit for Boxing Day.

It sounds wonderful to me.