To hate spending Christmas with my DIL

[NanaZoZo]

I have 2 DC and one DSD, DS married, lives down south, has a 2 year old. DD and DSD live in Australia.
DS and DIL have taken over the hosting of Christmas. My DCs dad and I split when they were tiny (1 and 4) so for 25 years Christmas was them spending Christmas Eve and morning with their dad and coming to us after midday for dinner and the evening. This worked great as I’m not a massively festive person. Now we swap year as to who goes down for Christmas.
My DIL is lovely, we get on great, however she’s nothing like me. She didn’t have a great childhood and has no relationship with her parents, so now she places a high importance on Christmas for her DD and I think DS has indulged in it too.
Here is the issue - I hate it. It’s not necessarily over the top, it’s traditional. She likes everyone to dress up nicely, they buy expensive food (think Harrods and Fortnum and Mason). Luckily they keep the decor classy but they spent thousands on it including expensive Christmas only tableware. It’s all a bit much for me. I’d rather we stayed in PJs till noon, then threw on Christmas jumpers and had a nice roast. The day is quite rigid in her mind, it has to be Chinese on Christmas Eve even if we don’t fancy it, dinner is at 2 no negotiations on that either, she spends about an hour playing us Christmas songs on the piano and we all have to go a walk after dinner even if you just want to nap!!
Now like I say she’s lovely and it comes from a good place (she just wants DGD to have positive Christmas memories and tradition). But I really hate it, we had 2021 (when they had a 4 month old and still put on this grand Christmas) so it’s back to us this year, and I just can’t bring myself to look forward to it.
I’m half tempted to say we will come down on Boxing Day and spend the day lazily with DH and the dog. But I do want to see DGD on Christmas and I know she sill probably be more engaged this year which will make for fun. It would also be difficult to explain why we weren’t coming down as there is nothing keeping us up here. DH also thinks it’s just worse this year as last year we went to Australia for Christmas, and it was a busy one too (DSD has 3 kids to the DGC were ruling the day) so we haven’t had a chill at home Christmas since Covid.
WIBU to say we aren’t going down until Boxing Day, knowing it will probably hurt DIL, or should I suck it up, get in the festive spirit, go along with it all so we are part of DGD happy Christmas?

I can imagine if this was reversed what the replies would be

What a misery guts. Really, can’t you just enjoy it for what it is? You’ve got 364 days of the year you can chill in your pjs with your DH and have a roast. And how amazing that your DIL can play piano.

is this all bringing up uncomfortable feelings for you about how Christmas was for your children when they were small?

Looking at your last post i think you're just being ridiculously moany about nothing tbh.

If you aren't very festive then I don't see how it should matter that much to you. There are loads of days to spend in pjs between Christmas and New year. I'm another suck it up vote.

You are one of the lucky MILs - included and obviously wanted and not having to do the work of Christmas. It sounds lovely to me.
Even if you don’t really like Christmas it should be more about spending time with the family. That’s what you should be focusing on.

no parents of her own present

and her in laws bitching about her Christmas plans

poor thing

Yes I agree with this. I pretty much hate the day but have to suck it up. Funnily enough when i said this on another thread MNers were quick to pile on - Do what YOU want, you don't have to do anything, stop letting your family preferences control you etc. It seems like OP is getting the opposite advice today.

I mean an hour of singing carols sound awkward ! Are you sure she isn't on mumsnet and this Thread is a not so subtle hint to her😆

What would the reverse be 😐

I think you need to work out what's bothering you. Expensive brands, decorations and tableware - I can't see how this impacts you at all.

Christmas piano, ok not my idea of fun but I'd put up with it in someone else's house.

I think it's normal to serve the meal at a time of your choosing when you're the host. If you're hungry beforehand have a snack?

If its th rigidity of the day then I can see why that's annoying. I think it's OK to mooch about in your pj's for a bit and then get dressed for photos / meal or whatever. I also think it's fine to say you're really not up for a walk and make up an injury if you don't want to go.

There must be something else at play here, I suspect this is a control issue. Do you feel that your DIL is usurping your position as matriarch?

Based on what you’ve written, your DIL doesn’t ask you to do anything unreasonable…and it’s just 1 day every 2 years.

Glad you've seen sense. Your original post made you sound like an ungrateful teenager I'm afraid. There are lots of people who have genuinely shitty Christmases or reasons to find them sad or depressing. Being asked to get dressed and smile politely while your dil plays some carols on the piano in a beautifully decorated house with a lovely dinner being served up to you is hardly a terrible expectation.

You are really nitpicking with criticising her for having special tableware. Lots of people do that.

Your DGD is the most likely person to enforce change to the day as she gets older. So, you've maybe only got another year of this itinerary.

W
hy should OP suck it up when countless DILs are told that they should have the Christmas they want?

I would absolutly back out OP! I wouldn't mention the issues obviously but would frame it as you've had such hectic holiday seasons for years that you've both decided to just stay in this year and focus on rest just the two of you.

There's nothing wrong with her plans but they would be my idea of hell. And I wouldn't be entertaining much of it even if I did go.

Christmas is once a year and everyone should be entitled to that sliver of joy and peace that comes with it.

She can absolutly have the Christmas of her dreams with her family and I do hope she makes the wonderful memories she wants.

Interesting point, I’m not sure. I think I missed out on a lot of the Christmas joy when my kids were little. I was a police officer so often worked Christmas Eve.

Just say, "I'll have a little rest while you walk." Or even, "I prefer to wait a little longer after eating," then go on a walk when the singing is on.

Since you're not bothered about Christmas one way or the other, I'd go and celebrate it with her. You can have 'your' Christmas of slobbing around and not doing much on another winter day.

It's one day. Not to your taste maybe but it's one day, I can't believe you are making such an issue of it. You sound a bit like a whingey child. I can't see it's any worse than going to an over-the-top wedding or any other formal do you may have to attend. You could always go and just do your own thing like stay in your PJ's and decline the walk. If you "ruin" their Christmas, perhaps they won't ask you again which I'm sure would be a relief for you.

Meh. There are 364 (occasionally 1 rarer day!) other days to make special. I'd skip it in favour of making a fuss on birthdays or generally enjoying any other celebration or just each other. Great memories don't come from imposed activities and if it doesn't mean the same to you then of course you don't want to be bringing the wrong energy or to disappoint them. I'd go a different day.

Ha, ha, brill. Just don't go. You'll be doing her a massive favour and make her Christmas - and yours too by the sound of it.

I think it sounds lovely! But fair enough if not your cup of tea op.

It sounds like a lovely day, I've done all of Christmas myself for years, and even though I've loved it, would welcome someone taking over.

I’m sorry you sound really mean. I can’t believe the effort your DIL puts in for you to scoff. Also it’s 1 day. It’s not like you’re a parent of young children and can’t spend any of the rest of the year resting. Mind blown on this one

I mean what a bitch, decorating, entertaining, feeding and starting traditions for her child.

Get over yourself🙄