To hate spending Christmas with my DIL

[NanaZoZo]

I have 2 DC and one DSD, DS married, lives down south, has a 2 year old. DD and DSD live in Australia.
DS and DIL have taken over the hosting of Christmas. My DCs dad and I split when they were tiny (1 and 4) so for 25 years Christmas was them spending Christmas Eve and morning with their dad and coming to us after midday for dinner and the evening. This worked great as I’m not a massively festive person. Now we swap year as to who goes down for Christmas.
My DIL is lovely, we get on great, however she’s nothing like me. She didn’t have a great childhood and has no relationship with her parents, so now she places a high importance on Christmas for her DD and I think DS has indulged in it too.
Here is the issue - I hate it. It’s not necessarily over the top, it’s traditional. She likes everyone to dress up nicely, they buy expensive food (think Harrods and Fortnum and Mason). Luckily they keep the decor classy but they spent thousands on it including expensive Christmas only tableware. It’s all a bit much for me. I’d rather we stayed in PJs till noon, then threw on Christmas jumpers and had a nice roast. The day is quite rigid in her mind, it has to be Chinese on Christmas Eve even if we don’t fancy it, dinner is at 2 no negotiations on that either, she spends about an hour playing us Christmas songs on the piano and we all have to go a walk after dinner even if you just want to nap!!
Now like I say she’s lovely and it comes from a good place (she just wants DGD to have positive Christmas memories and tradition). But I really hate it, we had 2021 (when they had a 4 month old and still put on this grand Christmas) so it’s back to us this year, and I just can’t bring myself to look forward to it.
I’m half tempted to say we will come down on Boxing Day and spend the day lazily with DH and the dog. But I do want to see DGD on Christmas and I know she sill probably be more engaged this year which will make for fun. It would also be difficult to explain why we weren’t coming down as there is nothing keeping us up here. DH also thinks it’s just worse this year as last year we went to Australia for Christmas, and it was a busy one too (DSD has 3 kids to the DGC were ruling the day) so we haven’t had a chill at home Christmas since Covid.
WIBU to say we aren’t going down until Boxing Day, knowing it will probably hurt DIL, or should I suck it up, get in the festive spirit, go along with it all so we are part of DGD happy Christmas?

I reckon suck it up. Not worth causing upset over it. I very rarely do what I want at Christmas either and it's often effortful and not much fun, but worth it I think for the sake of family harmony.

It doesn’t sound that bad — why is spending a single day slightly more formally than you would like so unendurable?

What happens if you say you don't fancy a walk?

Because other than being 'forced' to go for a walk when you don't want to (and I'm not sure how one forces an adult out for a walk against their will) it really doesn't sound that bad.

1 day OP

1 poxy day

Suck it up

It's one day every other year.

Get some in ear headphones to drown out the piano and fake a sprained ankle injury to get out of the walk😂

She sounds very full on and about 100 years in the past.

And aside from the hour of singing - sounds a perfectly pleasant day

She sounds like she works incredibly hard to make it a great day, you sound a little ungrateful.

Just go and tell her you are skipping the walk. No need to make a drama out of it. You can spend a day in PJs with your husband on Boxing Day/the 27th whatever

I mean her Christmas sounds fantastic! Your DS probably isn't just "indulging" it - he's probably enjoying it after 25 years of being shuffled about between homes at midday on Christmas Day, and it's probably an active participant in planning, purchasing and setting it up.

I think it's absolutely fine if you want to sit in pjs until midday and not have the classic mid afternoon walk, but that's perhaps your traditions from all of the years you had Christmas how you wanted it when the DC where little - now it's their turn to have their families Christmas how they want it. You either suck it up for the day (and it's not like they're making you do anything terrible!) or stay home, no drama needed.

So in this scenario I'm your DD my mother died just before Christmas when I was a teenager and I go all out for Christmas now because I can't bear to think about how awful it was. I don't force people to listen to me playing the piano but I would be hurt if someone said they wanted to stay in their pjs.

Your DIL is coming from a place of vulnerability and I think you could live with one day you don't really love for her sake. You say you like her so show that.

I’d love to spend the day with my son and DiL.

It sounds lovely. Your DIL sounds lovely. save the chill out day for the 27th and praise, praise, praise your DIL for inviting you.

This is a “lovely” DIL

You “get on great” with your DIL

She has a very rough childhood

and you are thinking of bailing over one day that is important to her

unbelievable

Go but fake an ankle injury if you don't feel like the walk and don't feel able to say so.

I really wouldn't want to be sat in my pyjamas with my in laws. You're very lucky to be included in their Christmas, it depends on how much you value your relationship with them as a family as to what you should do.

Every family does Christmas a bit differently OP. At least this way you get to spend Christmas with your DGD. She won't be this little for long

I would personally love her Christmas especially compared to sitting around in pyjamas (I hate that on any day of the year.) I think you are quite mean and scornful about her making an effort for her family. I think you should go on Boxing Day and let them enjoy it themselves.

I’d balk at a walk after dinner if I’m honest. In fact, in my house, if anyone was fit for a walk after dinner, I’d worry I’d under fed them.

The rest though : I think you should suck it up.

I’m afraid I prefer DIL’s idea of a good Christmas to yours – I’d loathe being in my pyjamas all day, don’t own a Christmas jumper, and love a good walk on Christmas Day – buttttttttt I’m not you. I think if it weren’t for grandchildren I’d say don’t go, but the day is for them, really. Since you wouldn’t be doing anything special with the day otherwise, suck it up for DGD’s sake.

@Nonplusultra

a walk after Xmas lunch but before dessert is WONDERFUL!

The thought of wallowing I pjs all day on any day? Shudder!

Thank you everyone, I’m probably just being grumpy about it!!
Of course she isn’t physically forcing me on the walk but there was a little subtle guilt trip last time, and DH is a people pleaser so indulges her and gangs up on me.
Luckily she is a good piano player and singer, used to sing and dance professionally but no one needs an hour of Christmas carols.

She has had shitty child hood Christmases imagine being an unhappy little kid over Christmas, honestly just indulge her ottness for the day,

It's christmas day, you like your dil and are just not mad about the day. Its one of those things you do for your children.

One day.

ONE day OP

FGS

It’s one day every second year and I’m sure it means a lot to them. DGD will always remember these Christmases with her grandmother there.