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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why there is an extra child in my house?

258 replies

SusanTheShocked · 21/10/2023 14:58

My daughter’s (9 years old) friend from school just turned up at my house. My DH answered the door as I was in the bath and her dad dropped her off.

My partner assumed I’d made plans and didn’t tell him…but I didn’t make plans. I assume dd did, but didn’t tell me? I don’t want to say anything as they are playing nicely and I don’t want to make the girl feel bad, though I will be having a word with dd later.

I have the mums phone number and need to message her as I’m not sure what’s happening/when she’s being picked up etc.

I need some advice on how to word the message to the mother in a way that doesn’t make it seem like I’m unhappy she is here, but letting her know that I had no idea this was happening.

(For context I am very socially awkward so worrying about how to word this probably more than I should be)

OP posts:
WeMustGetOffTheMountain · 21/10/2023 15:00

Does DD's friend live locally or has she been dropped off at yours by her mum/dad?

Original poster
SusanTheShocked · 21/10/2023 15:01

She has been dropped off by her Dad, to be honest I have no idea where she lives.

OP posts:
TiredMamOfTwo · 21/10/2023 15:01

"Hi xxxxx, lovely to have your dd here just wondering what time you're picking her up please and if I need to do her some dinner?"

Just something breezy will be fine :)

gotomomo · 21/10/2023 15:02

I'm guessing your daughter invited her. If you are 100% sure you didn't discuss it with the parent, have a quiet word with your daughter and find out what she has arranged then send a breezy text to the mum saying, lovely to see your dd today, just checking you are ok to pick up at (insert time your dd has told you) as we have plans later.

AlexandriasWindmill · 21/10/2023 15:02

Just say something like 'hi I missed your DH when he dropped DD off and my DH forgot to check about whether we're dropping off or you're collecting. The girls are having a lovely time.'

GladysHeeler · 21/10/2023 15:03

You need to talk to your daughter, she might have invited her!

CurlewKate · 21/10/2023 15:03

"Hi! Sorry I wasn't around when John dropped Jane off. They're having a lovely time! What time did you say you were going to collect her?"

Original poster
SusanTheShocked · 21/10/2023 15:04

I am 100% certain that DD invited her friend.

OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 21/10/2023 15:04

"Sorry I missed dad at drop off. What do you want to do at home time? Shall we drop her home at X time. Alternatively you can collect her anytime.e before X time."

I wouldn't mention that you didn't know she was coming!!!

The funniest outcome here is that her dad dropped her at the wrong house and mum wants to know why she's at yours....although until you can ask daughter if she made the plan without you.....you will never know!!

Please report back later on....

Shinyandnew1 · 21/10/2023 15:04

SusanTheShocked · 21/10/2023 15:04

I am 100% certain that DD invited her friend.

I would be speaking to DD and saying she was not to invite anyone found without asking me if it was ok first!

AgentJohnson · 21/10/2023 15:05

Don’t mention dinner in your message to the mother. I suspect your DD made the arrangement and neglected to tell you.

GladysHeeler · 21/10/2023 15:07

AgentJohnson · 21/10/2023 15:05

Don’t mention dinner in your message to the mother. I suspect your DD made the arrangement and neglected to tell you.

Why would that mean she shouldn't mention dinner?

Original poster
SusanTheShocked · 21/10/2023 15:07

DD’s friend has said that she's had dinner.

I’ve still got a little work to finish off, so I’ve given them a karaoke machine and a bag of sweets for now.

OP posts:
Original poster
SusanTheShocked · 21/10/2023 15:08

Shinyandnew1 · 21/10/2023 15:04

I would be speaking to DD and saying she was not to invite anyone found without asking me if it was ok first!

Show quote history

I’ll definitely be having that conversation with dd later on!

OP posts:
TiredMamOfTwo · 21/10/2023 15:08

SusanTheShocked · 21/10/2023 15:07

DD’s friend has said that she's had dinner.

I’ve still got a little work to finish off, so I’ve given them a karaoke machine and a bag of sweets for now.

Dinner already it's 3pm? I would just ask what time they're planning to pick her up and leave it at that then.

missnevermind · 21/10/2023 15:09

I would message to say that you don't know what the girls have arranged but are you doing tea / pizza and what time is she being collected so they are not kept waiting for her when they knock.
Sort of friendly but befuddled. It's no problem her being there and you will roll with whatever arrangements have been made.

All2Well · 21/10/2023 15:09

You run the risk of them just dumping their child on you whenever they feel like it, you need to be honest but nice.

"Hello Ava's Mum, hope all is well! I think we've had some crossed wires somewhere 😂. When I've got out of the bath, I've found Ava playing downstairs but I wasn't expecting a play date today. It was DH who answered the door to Ava's Dad and he assumed that I'd arranged it and forgot to tell him. Maybe DD arranged it without telling me, she does love playing with Ava so it wouldn't suprise me! Will have a chat with her later and explain she needs to ask me first as we might not have been in and I'd hate either of them to be disappointed. The girls are having a lovely time playing and luckily our plans today can be flexible but it would really help if you could let me know when you plan on collecting her so I can make plans for dinner and know what to do about our evening, thanks. She's a pleasure to have and they get on so well so I'm happy to schedule a proper play date soon x"

WeMustGetOffTheMountain · 21/10/2023 15:09

"Hi, sorry I missed your DH at drop off so didn't get chance to arrange pick up - will you be collecting or do you need her dropping off?"

And have stern words with DD about arranging playdates without you knowing!

WhateverMate · 21/10/2023 15:11

I don’t want to say anything as they are playing nicely and I don’t want to make the girl feel bad, though I will be having a word with dd later.

This is ridiculous. Call your DD into another room and speak to her now Confused

No point in ringing the mum until you have.

MetalFences · 21/10/2023 15:12

That's a really rude text @All2Well if the OPs dd has invited the girl. Which the OP thinks she has.

It's not the other mother's fault or the other child's either.

"luckily our plans today can be flexible but it would really help if you could let me know when you plan on collecting her so I can make plans for dinner and know what to do about our evening, thanks. She's a pleasure to have and they get on so well so I'm happy to schedule a proper play date soon" Shock

morag1234 · 21/10/2023 15:13

Exactly what @AlexandriasWindmill said.

ShutTheDoorBabe · 21/10/2023 15:14

Do kids not call for each other and just turn up at each others' houses anymore? There are always extra children at my house who have come to play with my own dc. Sometimes they stay ages. They arrange it amongst themselves. If it's not a good time, I just send them away.

All2Well · 21/10/2023 15:14

@MetalFences While you replied I edited it to reflect the fact that OP had updated and said she thought DD had invited her. I don't personally think it's rude, nor would I be offended to receive it but each to their own. Happy to agree to disagree!

Original poster
SusanTheShocked · 21/10/2023 15:15

TiredMamOfTwo · 21/10/2023 15:08

Dinner already it's 3pm? I would just ask what time they're planning to pick her up and leave it at that then.

Show quote history

I did wonder about that. Ours is usually at 6/7 pm.

I haven’t messaged the friend’s mum yet, might try and catch dd to ask about the plans that were made first.

I know it seems silly but dd’s friend is a quiet shy girl and I know she’d be mortified, and I genuinely don’t mind her being here and want her to feel welcome.

It’s dd’s fault for not letting me know. She won’t be allowed to do this again (I’ll make sure she knows she must tell me first - it’s the first time something like this has happened).

OP posts:
RandomUsernameHere · 21/10/2023 15:15

That's so strange that the dad just dropped her off without confirming with you first. I have DC the same age, they're always inviting each other to do things but it's still arranged by the parents.