Page 4 | To ask why there is an extra child in my house?

SusanTheShocked · 2023-10-21T13:58:51+00:00

My daughter’s (9 years old) friend from school just turned up at my house. My DH answered the door as I was in the bath and her dad dropped her off. My partner assumed I’d made plans and didn’t tell him…but I didn’t make plans. I assume dd did, but didn’t tell me? I don’t want to say anything as they are playing nicely and I don’t want to make the girl feel bad, though I will be having a word with dd later. I have the mums phone number and need to message her as I’m not sure what’s happening/when she’s being picked up etc. I need some advice on how to word the message to the mother in a way that doesn’t make it seem like I’m unhappy she is here, but letting her know that I had no idea this was happening. (For context I am very socially awkward so worrying about how to word this probably more than I should be)

RedHelenB · 21/10/2023 15:56

SusanTheShocked · 21/10/2023 15:08

I’ll definitely be having that conversation with dd later on!

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I'd have it now.

tinytemper66 · 21/10/2023 15:56

Why are people saying for the OP to drop said child off home? Parent of said child should pick her up. Just ask what time they are collecting said child.

leilani83 · 21/10/2023 15:56

ShutTheDoorBabe · 21/10/2023 15:14

Do kids not call for each other and just turn up at each others' houses anymore? There are always extra children at my house who have come to play with my own dc. Sometimes they stay ages. They arrange it amongst themselves. If it's not a good time, I just send them away.

I was going to say this. Very strange to get so worked up about it. My kids and their friends are in and out if each others' houses all the time without it having to be arranged by the parents (which I find a PITA anyway)!

All2Well · 21/10/2023 15:57

Ok, fair enough, people don't like my suggestion. I'm neurodiverse and find it hard to understand the unwritten rules like how pretending you were expecting the child all along and not referring to the error at all is the right thing to do. I'd prefer to have known if I was the mother and would hate to unexpectedly inconvenience another family and intrude upon their weekend but everyone is different and it's genuinely helpful for me in terms of communication to know most people found the message rude.

If it was me, I'd be too worried the child was at the wrong house and another child was devastated their friend didn't show and the mother may show up at pick up time at the right house and have a panic when she realises she's not there. In that case as the mother I'd be upset that I'd not been notified by the OP that my child had been dropped off unexpectedly at someone elses house.

I'd also be worrying that DD had arranged a sleepover behind my back and the child and their family would be expecting her to still be there tomorrow morning.

I also don't understand why OP couldn't have just quietly took her DD aside without her friend knowing and asked if she had arranged this as if she hadn't, it could be a sign that she shouldn't be there at all and Dad has made a cock up.

I like the message suggestion of "DD arranged this without me knowing - rascal!" further up. But who knows maybe most people see that as rude too!

thesugarbumfairy · 21/10/2023 15:58

Jesus. What kind of parents just drop a child of nine off at a random house without actually making arrangements with the other child's parents first? (I mean obviously, the kind that just did it)
Just call the mother - say you have the child at your house and you are happy to have her this afternoon- but that you had no idea this was happening. I would NOT be ok with this. I wouldn't text. You have no idea how long a response will be.

whosaidtha · 21/10/2023 15:58

I can't believe that someone would drop their kid off at someone's house without first confirming with the parents. If my dd told me she was going to a play date I would absolutely at least text the parent to confirm time etc. this is barmy on the parents behalf.

potatoheads · 21/10/2023 16:01

AlexandriasWindmill · 21/10/2023 15:02

Just say something like 'hi I missed your DH when he dropped DD off and my DH forgot to check about whether we're dropping off or you're collecting. The girls are having a lovely time.'

Why would you possible add in the offer to drop off!!!

SoOpenitsbrainshavefallenout · 21/10/2023 16:02

In some locations Dinner is at lunchtime and yea is in the evening

potatoheads · 21/10/2023 16:03

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ElleLeopine · 21/10/2023 16:04

leilani83 · 21/10/2023 15:56

I was going to say this. Very strange to get so worked up about it. My kids and their friends are in and out if each others' houses all the time without it having to be arranged by the parents (which I find a PITA anyway)!

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But surely these would be local friends who can make their own way home.
Not being dropped off by a parent?

Caipirovska · 21/10/2023 16:04

If it was me, I'd be too worried the child was at the wrong house and another child was devastated their friend didn't show and the mother may show up at pick up time at the right house and have a panic when she realises she's not there. In that case as the mother I'd be upset that I'd not been notified by the OP that my child had been dropped off unexpectedly at someone elses house.

I wonder if it could be this as well - the whole wrong house situation though I don't think OP could be reasonably blamed in this situation more apologised to.

While mine did arrange things themselves at 9 they always checked with us or confirmed plans with other parents on door step- even as teens they do a quick check/tell us their plans - so I'd be having words with DD about asking first.

amicissimma · 21/10/2023 16:05

Why not just ask the child what time she's being picked up? DCs are generally used to the adults checking what's going on, eg 'Is Sports Day Tuesday or Wednesday?' sort of thing.

If she doesn't have an answer and your DD doesn't know, you'd be justified in sending a quick text to one of the parents to ask. If you'd like to control the timings you could even say that you you're just checking that [child] told them that she has to leave/you have visitors coming/you have to go out at x time.

StarlightLime · 21/10/2023 16:06

find it hard to understand the unwritten rules like how pretending you were expecting the child all along and not referring to the error at all is the right thing to do
Op's dd (presumably; why she can't just ask her is a mystery) arranged the play date herself. There's no need to make either the girl herself or her parents feel awkward. They've done nothing wrong.

Blanketpolicy · 21/10/2023 16:06

might try and catch dd to ask about the plans that were made first.

You seem to be making a mountain out of a molehill here. They are 9 years old, why not just say to dd (in front of friend) - "Oh didn't expect you here today, nice to see you, what's been planned?"

Chances are your dd has invited, or been asked and said yes its ok. Friend has told parents you have said it is ok so dropped off. Maybe it was her dad only who didn't know the plans either or didn't have you number. They are getting to an age where parents start to let them do their own plans without parents being as involved.

Once you find out just say to your dd (again in front of her friend), it is fine for friend to come over anytime we are free but please check with me before in case we have plans. No need to work out how to word a text to the parents, maybe mention casually when they pick up (assuming the friends tells you she is being picked up later) the pair of them never let you in on the plans.

humpty74 · 21/10/2023 16:07

TiredMamOfTwo · 21/10/2023 15:08

Dinner already it's 3pm? I would just ask what time they're planning to pick her up and leave it at that then.

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Some people call lunch dinner, lunch at school is school dinners after all, that's probably what she means.

Beautiful3 · 21/10/2023 16:13

Think I'd message to say, " it's a nice suprise to see x. They're having a lovely time. Is it okay if she stays for our dinner at x time?" If they say yes she can, say, "great if you can collect at x time that gives us plenty of time to eat." If they query the suprise element, reply, "Yes looks like my daughter forgot to tell me x was coming! You might have to give me a heads up next time! 😂 "

zurala · 21/10/2023 16:15

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 21/10/2023 15:34

Good grief. Do not send this. It is very rude.

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I get that it's wordy but why is it rude? It seems factual to me?

zurala · 21/10/2023 16:17

All2Well · 21/10/2023 15:57

Ok, fair enough, people don't like my suggestion. I'm neurodiverse and find it hard to understand the unwritten rules like how pretending you were expecting the child all along and not referring to the error at all is the right thing to do. I'd prefer to have known if I was the mother and would hate to unexpectedly inconvenience another family and intrude upon their weekend but everyone is different and it's genuinely helpful for me in terms of communication to know most people found the message rude.

If it was me, I'd be too worried the child was at the wrong house and another child was devastated their friend didn't show and the mother may show up at pick up time at the right house and have a panic when she realises she's not there. In that case as the mother I'd be upset that I'd not been notified by the OP that my child had been dropped off unexpectedly at someone elses house.

I'd also be worrying that DD had arranged a sleepover behind my back and the child and their family would be expecting her to still be there tomorrow morning.

I also don't understand why OP couldn't have just quietly took her DD aside without her friend knowing and asked if she had arranged this as if she hadn't, it could be a sign that she shouldn't be there at all and Dad has made a cock up.

I like the message suggestion of "DD arranged this without me knowing - rascal!" further up. But who knows maybe most people see that as rude too!

I'm neurodivergent too and think your message was fine in tone although a bit long. I can't work out why it's considered rude when it really isn't!

Jellycats4life · 21/10/2023 16:17

Is it really so rude to message the mum and have a laugh about how DD seemingly set up this play date without your knowledge and how surprised you were to find her friend on the doorstep?

Don’t be a doormat, establish what actually happened!

Caipirovska · 21/10/2023 16:18

amicissimma · 21/10/2023 16:05

Why not just ask the child what time she's being picked up? DCs are generally used to the adults checking what's going on, eg 'Is Sports Day Tuesday or Wednesday?' sort of thing.

If she doesn't have an answer and your DD doesn't know, you'd be justified in sending a quick text to one of the parents to ask. If you'd like to control the timings you could even say that you you're just checking that [child] told them that she has to leave/you have visitors coming/you have to go out at x time.

I'd do this - easiest way of dealing with it - and then take DD aside later and say let us know beforehand next time.

NerrSnerr · 21/10/2023 16:18

It's not rude to message the mum but you'd surely ask the children what they've arranged first?

Candleyankee · 21/10/2023 16:19

In my house lunch is dinner.
also evening meal is tea.

so friend could think you’re asking if she’s had lunch

Jellycats4life · 21/10/2023 16:21

I also think @All2Well’s message was fine, but I’m also autistic 😅

Personally, I hated all the suggestions of sending a meek passive-aggressive message enquiring when Friend was being picked up and did she need dinner.

QuillBill · 21/10/2023 16:23

If it was me, I'd be too worried the child was at the wrong house and another child was devastated their friend didn't show and the mother may show up at pick up time at the right house and have a panic when she realises she's not there. In that case as the mother I'd be upset that I'd not been notified by the OP that my child had been dropped off unexpectedly at someone elses house.

The OP said quite early on in the thread that she was 100% sure her own dd had invited her friend.

The friends father knows where he took her. It would have to be a complete comedy of errors for the friends mother to then go to a different house to collect her dd.

All2Well · 21/10/2023 16:23

I'm neurodivergent too and think your message was fine in time although a bit long. I can't with out why it's considered rude when it really isn't!

I think it's because we're ND that we can't work it out that people find it rude...between us we'd probably send or receive it and be fine/laugh it off and prefer the honesty. But we have to be careful with NT/ND communication as it's sometimes taken as rude when we feel it's factual. Can even be tricky with ND people at different points across the spectrum...makes my brain hurt. And yes sorry it's long, I struggle with self editing. And was attempting (and failing!) to make it more polite. But enough about me!

OP please do update us with the outcome at some point! Did DD invite her? Let us know how pick up goes.