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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why there is an extra child in my house?

258 replies

SusanTheShocked · 21/10/2023 14:58

My daughter’s (9 years old) friend from school just turned up at my house. My DH answered the door as I was in the bath and her dad dropped her off.

My partner assumed I’d made plans and didn’t tell him…but I didn’t make plans. I assume dd did, but didn’t tell me? I don’t want to say anything as they are playing nicely and I don’t want to make the girl feel bad, though I will be having a word with dd later.

I have the mums phone number and need to message her as I’m not sure what’s happening/when she’s being picked up etc.

I need some advice on how to word the message to the mother in a way that doesn’t make it seem like I’m unhappy she is here, but letting her know that I had no idea this was happening.

(For context I am very socially awkward so worrying about how to word this probably more than I should be)

OP posts:
PerfectYear321 · 22/10/2023 19:48

Weird thread. If I had answered the door I would have expressed surprise but said "it's fine though, she's very welcome- come on in". OP's partner didn't do this, presumably because (let's be honest here) women are usually the ones involved in arrangements like this so he assumed she knew.

Sn1859 · 22/10/2023 19:49

Im guessing you’ve sorted the problem by now but I just wanted to tell a little story I have from when my DD was around 6/7. She brought home an invitation to a party during the week. The party only had the address and the child’s name on, no contact details etc. I spoke to the mother and mentioned my DD was excited for the party at the school run but the parent spoke very little English so just smiled and nodded. Come the Saturday I dropped my daughter off to the party and found out from the eldest daughter there was no party. The little girl had written the invitations herself and her mum didn’t know until all of these children started showing up. I was mortified (socially awkward myself) and was preparing to take my DD home but To be fair to the mother, she did let them stay but it was more of a play date than a party. Just tell the parents you had no idea she was invited and tell your daughter she can’t just invite people over without telling you, what if you were out that day as a surprise. Kids are funny creatures!

Julimia · 22/10/2023 19:54

You need to contact her to make sure she knows she is safe and knows where she is. The rest should follow

Bugbabe1970 · 22/10/2023 20:17

All2Well · 21/10/2023 15:09

You run the risk of them just dumping their child on you whenever they feel like it, you need to be honest but nice.

"Hello Ava's Mum, hope all is well! I think we've had some crossed wires somewhere 😂. When I've got out of the bath, I've found Ava playing downstairs but I wasn't expecting a play date today. It was DH who answered the door to Ava's Dad and he assumed that I'd arranged it and forgot to tell him. Maybe DD arranged it without telling me, she does love playing with Ava so it wouldn't suprise me! Will have a chat with her later and explain she needs to ask me first as we might not have been in and I'd hate either of them to be disappointed. The girls are having a lovely time playing and luckily our plans today can be flexible but it would really help if you could let me know when you plan on collecting her so I can make plans for dinner and know what to do about our evening, thanks. She's a pleasure to have and they get on so well so I'm happy to schedule a proper play date soon x"

Edited

way over the top!
id be freaked out if I got a message like that!
Just give them a time to pick her up and then speak to daughter about letting you know when she has invited friends over!

Piksi55 · 22/10/2023 21:06

Think that is too friendly, if you're not that happy about her being there

LegendOfZeldaFitzgerald · 22/10/2023 21:12

You handled this beautifully

PerfectYear321 · 22/10/2023 22:29

All2Well · 21/10/2023 15:09

You run the risk of them just dumping their child on you whenever they feel like it, you need to be honest but nice.

"Hello Ava's Mum, hope all is well! I think we've had some crossed wires somewhere 😂. When I've got out of the bath, I've found Ava playing downstairs but I wasn't expecting a play date today. It was DH who answered the door to Ava's Dad and he assumed that I'd arranged it and forgot to tell him. Maybe DD arranged it without telling me, she does love playing with Ava so it wouldn't suprise me! Will have a chat with her later and explain she needs to ask me first as we might not have been in and I'd hate either of them to be disappointed. The girls are having a lovely time playing and luckily our plans today can be flexible but it would really help if you could let me know when you plan on collecting her so I can make plans for dinner and know what to do about our evening, thanks. She's a pleasure to have and they get on so well so I'm happy to schedule a proper play date soon x"

Edited

Absolutely do not send this

Tahlbias · 23/10/2023 20:39

I would just copy and paste this ha ha

Toptotoe · 23/10/2023 21:34

I once dropped my daughter off at the wrong friends house. I had taken a phone call from my daughters friend (A). Hadn't realised that I had mistaken the identity of the friend (A)who called and I dropped DD off at a different friends house (B). I only discovered the mistake several days later when A's mum asked what had happened to DD as she thought she was coming over to her house to play. I then understood the confused look on B's dad's face when I dropped DD off :) .

Maybe it is something like this?

jaxmum22 · 23/10/2023 21:37

What sort of parent would drop their child at someone’s house just on a child’s say so? If my child was invited to a play date I’d at least want to speak to one of the parents to confirm things, exchange contact details etc. 🤷‍♀️

WillowCraft · 23/10/2023 22:45

Julimia · 22/10/2023 19:54

You need to contact her to make sure she knows she is safe and knows where she is. The rest should follow

The child's dad dropped her off...presumably he can tell the mum where the child is, if she doesn't already know????

Dramatic · 23/10/2023 23:08

Pooheadbumbum · 21/10/2023 22:11

@mathanxiety thank you that’s really helpful. I find most of my eldest’s friends have varying lists of dietary preferences which are annoying!

I also meal plan for the week so the idea of having to perform some sort of loaves and fishes style miracle in the coming future is daunting 🤣

So I’m right in thinking from what you’ve said (re only 2 children having friends over at a time) that it wasn’t a complete free for all? If so, how was this managed? Presumably some preplanning had to go into this?

Also, was an adult always present? What about new friends who you hadn’t met?

(sorry like I say this is new territory for both DH and I!)

I have three teens, they will often come home from school with a friend (or two) each, they usually go to their bedrooms and watch TV, play games on their phones or whatever else (there is quite often a stream of screeching laughter which I've got to admit I love to hear!) if it's nice they'll sometimes be out in the garden and other times they'll be sat in the kitchen. If they're still here at tea time I'll either offer them food or if there's not going to be enough I'll politely tell them they'll have to go home for tea.

Also I'm not always present, I sometimes have to take our younger child to gym or dancing or I'll pop out shopping or whatever. They don't really need to be supervised at that age.

coupebaby · 24/10/2023 02:17

THIS!!! Kids invite friends all the time in school, I’ve always one coming in saying so and so asked me to their house but I just says ok well if their mum messages me asking then you can but you can’t just arrive at their house. Like some of these comments are just 🤨 People saying it’s not the girls parents fault, it’s is absolutely their fault for dropping their kid off without confirming with the other parents!! I would never even have the cheek to text someone and say hi my kid says your kid invited them to your house, I’d wait for the parent to text me and ask for my kid to go over!! You don’t just dump your kid at a school friends house like that. 🫣 I know it’s sorted now but this was just unacceptable from the girls parents. Common sense is seriously lacking with these people and some in the comments too suggesting she pretend everything’s fine and you’re ok with this,the parents DO need to be told you weren’t aware of this arrangement so they don’t randomly drop their kid at anyone else’s house!

Elaina87 · 24/10/2023 08:03

I'd make it into a jokey/relaxed thing with the Mum. "Hey, not sure if you're aware that 'Polly'is at ours, 'Millie' arranged it without me knowing 🤣. She's fine and they're playing happily so all good. Just wondered what time you want to collect her and am I ok to give her some tea?" I think that makes the point you had no idea but also seems like you're ok and not trying to get rid of her.

Trakand01 · 24/10/2023 08:40

TiredMamOfTwo · 21/10/2023 15:08

Dinner already it's 3pm? I would just ask what time they're planning to pick her up and leave it at that then.

Show quote history

Tell me you’re a southerner without telling me you’re a southerner. Here in the north dinner is the midday meal.

Trakand01 · 24/10/2023 08:43

It depends how well you know the child. Clearly your daughter made the arrangement and forgot to tell you. Do you have play dates often? Perhaps she thought you’d say no if she asked so she didn’t ask.

Sounds like you’ve sent the message already but I’d just say something like “Hi, just wanted to check what time you’re picking X up; we’ve plans at 5pm but any time before then is fine x”

I wouldn’t apologise for not being there when she was dropped off; your husband was there, that’s as good as you being there.

Mumsmet · 24/10/2023 08:45

Some households say dinner meaning lunch. Sunday Dinner is often at 1pm, so the guest may have thought you were asking if she had had lunch. She may also socially shy, especially near an adult she doesn't know so she may have been being agreeable.

Trakand01 · 24/10/2023 08:46

WillowCraft · 23/10/2023 22:45

The child's dad dropped her off...presumably he can tell the mum where the child is, if she doesn't already know????

Show quote history

Agree. I hate this ‘dads are invisible’ rhetoric.

HelenTherese2 · 24/10/2023 09:47

Why would you want to embarrass someone?

The kids are obviously great friends. Leave them to it and just ask DD to let you know in future.

bemusedmoose · 24/10/2023 10:19

Do parents not check with each other these days? I would never send my kid round to someone's house if it was only arranged by the kids! How do 9 year olds even arrange things without you? Or do they already have phones that young?

I would be pulling my kid outside for a chat to find out what is going on then ringing the mum! What if you didnt have her number!? What if they have arranged a sleep over!? You could have been going out, had no food in... Or just wanted a quiet evening.

You cant just have kids left on your doorstep, once it happens it will keep happening unless you stop it now.

Really weird that the parents were fine dropping her off with no ok from you though, especially if you dont know them well enough to know where she lives.

1mabon · 24/10/2023 10:42

Just be upfront and ask

Prettydress · 24/10/2023 10:46

It's very unusual for a parent to just drop a 9 year old child off at a house without having some kind of interaction with a parent prior to that. Sorry you were put in this position, especially as you have ASD so wouldn't necessarily know how to react. I would be more upset with the other child's parents for not firming up arrangements than your daughter for arranging it. That's just what kids do. It's really very normal for kids to invite each other over to their houses. It's up to us grown ups to make sure that it's ok with their mums and dads.

Catspyjamas17 · 24/10/2023 11:14

Prettydress · 24/10/2023 10:46

It's very unusual for a parent to just drop a 9 year old child off at a house without having some kind of interaction with a parent prior to that. Sorry you were put in this position, especially as you have ASD so wouldn't necessarily know how to react. I would be more upset with the other child's parents for not firming up arrangements than your daughter for arranging it. That's just what kids do. It's really very normal for kids to invite each other over to their houses. It's up to us grown ups to make sure that it's ok with their mums and dads.

This.

I'm quite used to random teenage arrangements now but we definitely confirmed things between parents when they were 9.

Catspyjamas17 · 24/10/2023 11:19

I was also disappointed that this was not in fact a spooky thread. 👻

ThePeachIsSoUnusual · 24/10/2023 11:34

that’s awful. If I were to receive that text as a parent I would be MORTIFIED...

This would be an overreaction to any of the suggested texts, and to most things. I'm not sure I was ever 'mortified' in over 20 years of eventful parenting. So much hyperbole!

Best way to sort it would not be texts at all, it would be a short phone conversation in which both Mums could have a chuckle.