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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why there is an extra child in my house?

258 replies

SusanTheShocked · 21/10/2023 14:58

My daughter’s (9 years old) friend from school just turned up at my house. My DH answered the door as I was in the bath and her dad dropped her off.

My partner assumed I’d made plans and didn’t tell him…but I didn’t make plans. I assume dd did, but didn’t tell me? I don’t want to say anything as they are playing nicely and I don’t want to make the girl feel bad, though I will be having a word with dd later.

I have the mums phone number and need to message her as I’m not sure what’s happening/when she’s being picked up etc.

I need some advice on how to word the message to the mother in a way that doesn’t make it seem like I’m unhappy she is here, but letting her know that I had no idea this was happening.

(For context I am very socially awkward so worrying about how to word this probably more than I should be)

OP posts:
LIZS · 21/10/2023 16:24

Hi Ava's mum, sorry there has been confession today as I did not answer the door when Ava arrived. Can we confirm you can collect Ava at y o'clock please ? Thx, Flora's mum

coxesorangepippin · 21/10/2023 16:25

This happened to me last weekend, I started a thread about it

Two kids were in my house for four hours, sans contact from their parents

They have my number and know where we live

Bizarre

AlanJohnsonsBeemer · 21/10/2023 16:26

I hope DD hasn’t invited her for a sleepover!

coxesorangepippin · 21/10/2023 16:26

All2well

^
Keeping it concise eh

jammyhand · 21/10/2023 16:28

All2Well · 21/10/2023 15:09

You run the risk of them just dumping their child on you whenever they feel like it, you need to be honest but nice.

"Hello Ava's Mum, hope all is well! I think we've had some crossed wires somewhere 😂. When I've got out of the bath, I've found Ava playing downstairs but I wasn't expecting a play date today. It was DH who answered the door to Ava's Dad and he assumed that I'd arranged it and forgot to tell him. Maybe DD arranged it without telling me, she does love playing with Ava so it wouldn't suprise me! Will have a chat with her later and explain she needs to ask me first as we might not have been in and I'd hate either of them to be disappointed. The girls are having a lovely time playing and luckily our plans today can be flexible but it would really help if you could let me know when you plan on collecting her so I can make plans for dinner and know what to do about our evening, thanks. She's a pleasure to have and they get on so well so I'm happy to schedule a proper play date soon x"

Edited

no omg, please don't text this. DD inviting friends over without permission should be your own household's problem. at worst it's very passive aggressive, at best it's tedious – why should she care honestly, save it for your own parenting diary or something.

unless you want the other parent to check with you beforehand, say if you don't trust DD to follow your instructions, but i think you can do that in a friendly casual way without the long story...

OriginalUsername2 · 21/10/2023 16:30

This is ridiculous. Ask your child!

gotomomo · 21/10/2023 16:30

Assuming your dd invited her, a jokey text along the lines of it was lovely to see x today, a surprise to me as dd hadn't told me, but that fine we weren't busy, I've asked dd to tell me next time. Then add she's welcome to stay for dinner or we have dinner plans so could you please collect by x time

Original poster
SusanTheShocked · 21/10/2023 16:31

I’ve just got off the phone to my dm.

She is of the opinion that the correct thing to do is to pretend that we did know, but to tell dd later on that it was wrong of her to do it/not to do it again without asking first.

Dd’s friend didn’t bring any overnight things so I’m going to assume someone is coming to pick her up later. DD’s friend’s mum has my phone number so will hopefully call if she thought I was dropping her dd off (I’d need an address).

I also have autism, so understand the struggle re: what is rude or not!

I’m happy to have dd’s friend here, they are having fun. Dd, ds and dd’s friend have commandered the white board and are drawing ‘grimace shakes’?).

OP posts:
Neurodiversitydoctor · 21/10/2023 16:34

TiredMamOfTwo · 21/10/2023 15:08

Dinner already it's 3pm? I would just ask what time they're planning to pick her up and leave it at that then.

Show quote history

OP is clearly North of Lincon therefore has dinner at 12 and tea at 5.

Maireas · 21/10/2023 16:37

I'm going to agree with pp. Ask the girl - "I didn't realise you were coming, what time is your dad/mum picking you up?" I don't understand why it's complicated.
Don't pretend anything, and don't message the mum with passive aggressive nonsense.

Maireas · 21/10/2023 16:39

I've just seen that you have autism. Just be clear and direct with the girl, her mum, and your daughter.

WeMustGetOffTheMountain · 21/10/2023 16:39

All2Well · 21/10/2023 16:23

I'm neurodivergent too and think your message was fine in time although a bit long. I can't with out why it's considered rude when it really isn't!

I think it's because we're ND that we can't work it out that people find it rude...between us we'd probably send or receive it and be fine/laugh it off and prefer the honesty. But we have to be careful with NT/ND communication as it's sometimes taken as rude when we feel it's factual. Can even be tricky with ND people at different points across the spectrum...makes my brain hurt. And yes sorry it's long, I struggle with self editing. And was attempting (and failing!) to make it more polite. But enough about me!

OP please do update us with the outcome at some point! Did DD invite her? Let us know how pick up goes.

I'm currently being assessed for ASC and I was convinced I'm not and the people who suggested it are barking up the wrong tree, however I also do not see anything rude in your reply so perhaps I'm more ND than I thought Grin

coxesorangepippin · 21/10/2023 16:39

She is of the opinion that the correct thing to do is to pretend that we did know

^

Er, no??

Do what Maireas says

Heyhoherewegoagain · 21/10/2023 16:40

TiredMamOfTwo · 21/10/2023 15:08

Dinner already it's 3pm? I would just ask what time they're planning to pick her up and leave it at that then.

Show quote history

Some people call lunch their dinner…especially in Scotland

Kellogg1 · 21/10/2023 16:40

I think your mother is right and this is what I would do too.

Pretend you knew the plans to avoid any awkwardness at all for yourself or their family, enjoy the child’s company for your daughter and ask what time you’re dropping her home later.
Speak to your child later about rules re visitors.

Humblebottomous · 21/10/2023 16:40

I have nothing to add but this did make me chuckle 🤭

0ElectronBlue0 · 21/10/2023 16:41

Those saying she may be at the wrong child’s house, don’t you think Ava would’ve told her Dad “not this Lucy the other Lucy”?

It’s really not a big deal, go to the girls and ask “so what’s been arranged then - is Ava having food later or is she being collected before then?”.

Original poster
SusanTheShocked · 21/10/2023 16:48

Update: DD’s friends phone rang (I didn’t realise she had a phone, I thought she’d brought an iPad) and she’s just told me she’s being picked up in a few minutes.

She’s been lovely company and I would hate to make her parents feel embarrassed or bad so I am just going to go along with it and not mention that we didn’t know.

OP posts:
macandcheeses · 21/10/2023 16:48

I'm also autistic and can't get my head around the idea of pretending anything. For what reason? It's absolutely fine to tell the other parents you had no idea. I would have done it as soon as it happened tbh but I'm not at all good with change or having people in my house. A random child appearing would be an absolute no and the children need to learn by consequence that it's not acceptable for them to arrange things without involving their parents.

Badgerstmary · 21/10/2023 16:49

Op I personally think that the other parents are at fault more so than your dd. Yes, your dd may well have invited her friend over but the other parents should have checked with you beforehand & not relied on a young child.

macandcheeses · 21/10/2023 16:50

SusanTheShocked · 21/10/2023 16:48

Update: DD’s friends phone rang (I didn’t realise she had a phone, I thought she’d brought an iPad) and she’s just told me she’s being picked up in a few minutes.

She’s been lovely company and I would hate to make her parents feel embarrassed or bad so I am just going to go along with it and not mention that we didn’t know.

Cross posted but I disagree with the idea of saving them from embarrassment, why would they be embarrassed? They need to know their child is arranging to go to peoples houses without adults knowing

NerrSnerr · 21/10/2023 16:50

This would have been solved when you got out the bath if you'd just asked the girls what plans they've made and the girl would have told you her mum was going to ring her when it's time to be picked up and it wouldn't have needed the angst.

PuppyMonkey · 21/10/2023 16:52

Good job you didn’t go out for a walk or something with them if they’re coming to pick up in a few minutes. Hmm

OP, you really should bring it up that you hadn’t got the message and to just give you a text in future. The girl’s parents SHOULD be embarrassed for not liaising with you first.

Ktime · 21/10/2023 16:53

macandcheeses · 21/10/2023 16:50

Cross posted but I disagree with the idea of saving them from embarrassment, why would they be embarrassed? They need to know their child is arranging to go to peoples houses without adults knowing

Show quote history

But her parents did know. Her dad dropped her off.

jammyhand · 21/10/2023 16:53

Jellycats4life · 21/10/2023 16:21

I also think @All2Well’s message was fine, but I’m also autistic 😅

Personally, I hated all the suggestions of sending a meek passive-aggressive message enquiring when Friend was being picked up and did she need dinner.

Genuine feedback: I'm someone who appreciates direct honesty, but the message comes off as very passive aggressive, not honest or direct at all.

@All2Well did say "You run the risk of them just dumping their child on you whenever they feel like it, you need to be honest but nice." So I do think the message was intended to have passive aggressive elements ("please don't send your child round like that again" – only it doesn't actually say that and just beats around the bush in an accusatory way).

"Will have a chat with her later and explain she needs to ask me first as we might not have been in and I'd hate either of them to be disappointed" – why would she need/want to know what you're chatting with DD about and why? Why should she care about what your DD gets up to, and what your home set up is – unless it involves her somehow? It sounds like you're indirectly telling the mother about the potential inconvenience her own child's presence could have caused, by claiming you would talk to DD about that.

Essentially there's no direct request / conclusion to do with the recipient parent (e.g. for the parent to check with OP in future) in the message. It's just a long random ramble about why OP's DD shouldn't randomly invite others home, and how it's lucky that OP could take the child in today ("luckily our plans today can be flexible"). The message is "be guilty and grateful".

UNLESS you have a request for her like "please check with me in future", then the background / reason (about the inconvenience) is important. But just directly and nicely tell her that it might be inconvenient as you might not be home. Don't tell her that under the indirect guise of "I've had a chat with my DD about the inconvenience".

Also, I think it's arguably fine to honestly say you weren't expecting her child, but you can do that without talking about why DD shouldn't invite random children home in the long term etc. If you go on about how DD's actions were a mistake in such a long message in such a faux tinkly laugh manner, it makes the reader wonder what point you're trying to make about their child's presence in your home.