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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask why there is an extra child in my house?

258 replies

SusanTheShocked · 21/10/2023 14:58

My daughter’s (9 years old) friend from school just turned up at my house. My DH answered the door as I was in the bath and her dad dropped her off.

My partner assumed I’d made plans and didn’t tell him…but I didn’t make plans. I assume dd did, but didn’t tell me? I don’t want to say anything as they are playing nicely and I don’t want to make the girl feel bad, though I will be having a word with dd later.

I have the mums phone number and need to message her as I’m not sure what’s happening/when she’s being picked up etc.

I need some advice on how to word the message to the mother in a way that doesn’t make it seem like I’m unhappy she is here, but letting her know that I had no idea this was happening.

(For context I am very socially awkward so worrying about how to word this probably more than I should be)

OP posts:

ShirleyPhallus · 21/10/2023 15:16

All2Well · 21/10/2023 15:09

You run the risk of them just dumping their child on you whenever they feel like it, you need to be honest but nice.

"Hello Ava's Mum, hope all is well! I think we've had some crossed wires somewhere 😂. When I've got out of the bath, I've found Ava playing downstairs but I wasn't expecting a play date today. It was DH who answered the door to Ava's Dad and he assumed that I'd arranged it and forgot to tell him. Maybe DD arranged it without telling me, she does love playing with Ava so it wouldn't suprise me! Will have a chat with her later and explain she needs to ask me first as we might not have been in and I'd hate either of them to be disappointed. The girls are having a lovely time playing and luckily our plans today can be flexible but it would really help if you could let me know when you plan on collecting her so I can make plans for dinner and know what to do about our evening, thanks. She's a pleasure to have and they get on so well so I'm happy to schedule a proper play date soon x"

Edited

Omg do NOT send this!

ElleLeopine · 21/10/2023 15:17

Perhaps I'm out of touch, but there is no way that I would have dropped my child off at someone's house without having had communication with the parents first!

Twentypastfour · 21/10/2023 15:17

Presumably it means she’s had her midday meal before she came over? Because question still stands if you’re going to feed her her evening meal although it doesn’t need to be a big deal. I’m sure when I was younger I did just turn up at friend’s houses!

Original poster

SusanTheShocked · 21/10/2023 15:18

RandomUsernameHere · 21/10/2023 15:15

That's so strange that the dad just dropped her off without confirming with you first. I have DC the same age, they're always inviting each other to do things but it's still arranged by the parents.

DH answered the door and assumed plans had been made and no one had told him. I’m guessing that dd friends dad also assumed we knew about the plans due to DH not batting an eye about it 😄

OP posts:

nextdoorneighbours · 21/10/2023 15:19

The Dad dropped her off at the wrong house on his way somewhere or other and can't now be contacted. Other playdate Mum has contacted child's mum to ask why child has not arrived. Child's mum has called police and reported child missing...

Twentypastfour · 21/10/2023 15:19

ShirleyPhallus · 21/10/2023 15:16

Omg do NOT send this!

Show quote history

Yes, that’s awful. If I were to receive that text as a parent I would be MORTIFIED, rush to collect my child ASAP and probably try to avoid play dates with the family again because of my embarrassment!

I think it really doesn’t need to be a big deal.

WhateverMate · 21/10/2023 15:20

It’s dd’s fault for not letting me know. She won’t be allowed to do this again (I’ll make sure she knows she must tell me first - it’s the first time something like this has happened).

It's unlikely to be the last as your refusal to quickly call her aside now, points to it being no big deal.

If I'd done this to my mum, I definitely would've been taken aside and spoken to there and then.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 21/10/2023 15:20

I grew up in a house where I was scared to have anyone pop round unexpectedly because I knew my anxious mother would go ballistic at me for not prearranging it. I never want my daughter to feel that way. If you do talk to dd, keep it breezy.

Rewis · 21/10/2023 15:22

Around me kids that age organise their own playdates (within reason). I'd let it play out and if the friend stays too late for your ask the girls about their plans and then contact the parents if needed. And then later talk with your daughter about your family rules regarding friends coming over. Seems like this is just one of those things kids do once they get older 🤷🏼‍♀️

TheYearOfSmallThings · 21/10/2023 15:23

You need to ask your daughter what the plan was and what her friend told her parents. Mainly to be sure the girl hasn't been absent mindedly dropped to the wrong house.

DogDaysAreOverr · 21/10/2023 15:24

'Hey. Funny story in that I didn't know my dd had invited your dd over today- rascal! Happy to leave them to it and will definitely be reminding my dd to run things past all of us in the future. What are your plans for the rest of the day? Shall I drop her back at 5ish or are you passing by later and can collect?'

LookItsMeAgain · 21/10/2023 15:24

My advice would be to let them play for another hour and then go into the room ask Ava if she told her dad when to collect her, if her mum is coming or what the situation is as you’ll have to check with her parents soon.

Ktime · 21/10/2023 15:25

SusanTheShocked · 21/10/2023 15:04

I am 100% certain that DD invited her friend.

Well there’s your answer

Not sure why you want to contact the mum, it’s your dd you need to have a word with.

Fionaville · 21/10/2023 15:25

I'm assuming that the dinner confusion is part of the 'what to you call your meals?' debate i.e lunch or dinner, tea or dinner 😅
I do think its bizarre dropping your child off at somebodies house at aged 9, without the parents having the conversation/giving the invite.
I wouldn't mention it though. But definitely message the mum asking what time she wants her home/is picking her up!

HaplessRhombus · 21/10/2023 15:26

I don't understand what's the issue with just saying:

"Hi X. I think DD arranged this play date without telling me! They're having a great time so happy for her to stay but could you just let me know what time you were planning to pick her up? Thanks"

She'll probably reply being embarrassed and you can negotiate between you what's going on. And then you tell DD later that she's not to do this again.

pizzaHeart · 21/10/2023 15:26

I think something: Hi, sorry forgot to check with Dave are you picking little Ava or we are dropping her off.
the shorter the better

WellIdontknowwhattocallmyself · 21/10/2023 15:26

your husband didn’t know neither did you so either your dd invited her over and lied about you being ok with it or they’ve used you as convenient childcare and If so I wouldnt be nice

Nanny0gg · 21/10/2023 15:28

WeMustGetOffTheMountain · 21/10/2023 15:00

Does DD's friend live locally or has she been dropped off at yours by her mum/dad?

It was in the first sentence!

I'd just go in and ask friend how she is then ask your DD what plans she has made as you need to know who's taking friend home

Naddd · 21/10/2023 15:30

How did the dad know where to drop her off?

I'd never assume my child did have a play date without checking with the other parent first.

My child n friends have arranged all sorts between them lol but unless i hear from the parent i assume it isn't arranged

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 21/10/2023 15:30

RandomUsernameHere · 21/10/2023 15:15

That's so strange that the dad just dropped her off without confirming with you first. I have DC the same age, they're always inviting each other to do things but it's still arranged by the parents.

This. Admittedly my own DC is 4yo with additional needs, so I've no experience in this. But surely a quick text to you from them to confirm plans, or even him coming with the child to the door should have happened? I am shocked he just dropped her off and then took off. But I'm happy to be told I'm daft because with a child with additional needs I couldn't really just drive off on mine anyway!

redskytonights · 21/10/2023 15:30

At 9 my DC were in and out of their friends houses (and friends round at ours). We simply said if it was inconvenient and threw them out at meal times (unless pre-arranged that they were staying).
So suprised this is any sort of deal at all.

It's a big trickier if the girl needs picking up and can't take herself home, but you just ask her what time she's being picked up and if she looks vague, then you can message her mum. Chances are she's pre-organised a time or her parents have said to contact them (does she have a phone?) when she wants picking up.

Boscoforever · 21/10/2023 15:30

Do you think you could just ring the mum? Have a laugh about the mix up. Say your very happy to have her now she is here, just wondering about whether to drop her home or if they want to collect?
I wouldn't worry about dinner. Just do your usual plans. If she is still there feed her, if she is away before dinner say to her parents. Zero issue.

Thedm · 21/10/2023 15:30

When I was a kid, we didn’t have mobiles and you didn’t tell your parents! Your friends just chapped the door to see if you wanted to come out an half three time asked to come in… and if you were home, you did. Parents could chuck us all out at any time, but if you were home and your friends came in for you; it was fine. I can’t imagine my mum ever phoning up true other parents!

Does everything need to be arranged? Her friend came in for her, you guys were home. It’s all good.

listsandbudgets · 21/10/2023 15:31

@Mumdiva99 this actually happened to us once .The dad dropped his dd off for a playdate with dd rather than the other girl in class with same name. DD seemed happy and dad seemed to.think all prearranged and said mum would collect at 4ish. They even brought me some flowers!! I was bemused but assumed dp organised and forgot to tell me.DD amd her friend played really happily for about 2 hours then got a very confused call from the mum saying just gone to pick X up and she's not here DH says she's at your house.

Worst thing was poor girl who was meant to have play date was really upset! I felt awful when i realised

WeMustGetOffTheMountain · 21/10/2023 15:31