To ask why there is an extra child in my house?

[SusanTheShocked]

My daughter’s (9 years old) friend from school just turned up at my house. My DH answered the door as I was in the bath and her dad dropped her off.

My partner assumed I’d made plans and didn’t tell him…but I didn’t make plans. I assume dd did, but didn’t tell me? I don’t want to say anything as they are playing nicely and I don’t want to make the girl feel bad, though I will be having a word with dd later.

I have the mums phone number and need to message her as I’m not sure what’s happening/when she’s being picked up etc.

I need some advice on how to word the message to the mother in a way that doesn’t make it seem like I’m unhappy she is here, but letting her know that I had no idea this was happening.

(For context I am very socially awkward so worrying about how to word this probably more than I should be)

It was just a suggested text, I don’t think it needs textual analysis.

@Ktime

But her parents did know. Her dad dropped her off.

I said They need to know their child is arranging to go to peoples houses without adults knowing

Yes they know she was going but they did not know the other adults were unaware.

I think their child did tell them, I guess they assumed my dd had told me.

(Oh yes, we have dinner at 12pm in Notts/Derbyshire too - that’s why we have Dinnerladies at school).

think their child did tell them, I guess they assumed my dd had told me.

That was my whole point. You need to tell them because they DID NOT know that you did not know. It's really important they know this. Vital in fact as while their DD had a lively time at your house, every house she arranges to visit might not be the same. Make them aware the adults didn't know, that way they can check in future

I think their child did tell them, I guess they assumed my dd had told me.

But most people wouldn’t just assume that, they would check with you, the parent, themselves.

Your daughter is old enough to know she shouldn't do this and I would be communicating that to her very firmly.

It is not normal to drop a child off at a house age 9 via a childs invitation.

At the very least there would be a text to confirm the parent was aware that the invitation had been issued.

I wouldn't want any parent thinking I was that casual anout these things.

Start with a firm chat with your 9 year old that this is not to happen again.

Not to you, maybe. But there were many posts about interpretation of the message mentioning ND struggles with understanding tone. To an NT person it might be "textual analysis", but literal explanations can be very helpful to people with ND. I don't mean to sound patronising by saying "explanations" though – what I mean is a perspective that anyone can feel free to agree or disagree with, but a perspective with specific examples of word/content choice.

@zurala It definitely is rude! And patronising with it! Lecturing another child's parents on what to do 'in future' when it may well have been OP's child who invited the girl! Good grief

Glad DD and her friend had a nice time. This was the age that mine started calling for friends/have friends call in on us. I was always happy to have people round, and pleased for DC that they had someone to play with. I'd definitely keep it 'chill' with DD and just mention that if she arranges something in advance, it's best to check first, just in case we had to go out or something.

Why have you assumed I’m NT? I’m not.

@Neurodiversitydoctor I'm very far north of Lincoln and dinner is evening meal here

Great for you!

Dd is very contrite (I didn’t tell her off but explained all the things that could have gone wrong - we could have decided to go out etc.) and that she needs to ask and let us know first next time.

I think she just got over excited asking her friend round to visit (she’s just started to make them - also ND) so I do believe that it won’t happen again. And it was lovely to see them playing together.

Thank you for your kind replies. I realise it might seem silly to get so anxious about stuff like this but your posts really did help.

Surprise social situation successfully navigated! ✅

@WeMustGetOffTheMountain Do you mean ASD?

Did you mean to be so patronising?

Right, OP - so you asked the girl when she's being picked up?

Well done OP and I'm glad your DD had fun. My DD is Autistic and I know the friendship struggles. I'm always so so pleased to see her make friends when we're out.

This wouldn't bother me, my kids friends are always round, no invite required, but I know some people prefer prior notice.

She was picked up by her dad shortly after my update about her mum calling her phone.

That's good, glad crisis is adverted and your dd had a nice time. :)

Oh gosh! I've always got random kids in my house. Now the bigger ones are teens, their friends just walk in and say hi and go up to their rooms 🙈😂

Oh, sorry, I missed that post.

No, I mean ASC.

@supersonicginandtonic me too. I hardly ever just cook for the children in my family! They either walk in and say hi or I walk in and see unknown shoes in the porch so know someone is here. I want my home to always be open to my kids friends