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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why there is an extra child in my house?

258 replies

SusanTheShocked · 21/10/2023 14:58

My daughter’s (9 years old) friend from school just turned up at my house. My DH answered the door as I was in the bath and her dad dropped her off.

My partner assumed I’d made plans and didn’t tell him…but I didn’t make plans. I assume dd did, but didn’t tell me? I don’t want to say anything as they are playing nicely and I don’t want to make the girl feel bad, though I will be having a word with dd later.

I have the mums phone number and need to message her as I’m not sure what’s happening/when she’s being picked up etc.

I need some advice on how to word the message to the mother in a way that doesn’t make it seem like I’m unhappy she is here, but letting her know that I had no idea this was happening.

(For context I am very socially awkward so worrying about how to word this probably more than I should be)

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 21/10/2023 15:31

stilll strange that not one of her parents messaged you previously to say dd invited amelai over is it ok

theyre nine not teens

Tinysoxxx · 21/10/2023 15:32

When the friend says she’s had dinner she means lunch. Dh and I have v different ideas what dinner means. I am with you OP in that it’s the evening meal.

Lizzieregina · 21/10/2023 15:33

If I didn’t have plans to leave my house, I couldn’t get worked up about this. I’d probably have been delighted that someone was keeping DD company. At some point I’d ask the girls what the plans are for pick up and go from there. If there’s already a time that works for me, fine, and if no plan, I’d text the mom.

When friend is gone, I would gently point out to my DD that in the future, she needs to check with me before issuing invitations.

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 21/10/2023 15:34

All2Well · 21/10/2023 15:09

You run the risk of them just dumping their child on you whenever they feel like it, you need to be honest but nice.

"Hello Ava's Mum, hope all is well! I think we've had some crossed wires somewhere 😂. When I've got out of the bath, I've found Ava playing downstairs but I wasn't expecting a play date today. It was DH who answered the door to Ava's Dad and he assumed that I'd arranged it and forgot to tell him. Maybe DD arranged it without telling me, she does love playing with Ava so it wouldn't suprise me! Will have a chat with her later and explain she needs to ask me first as we might not have been in and I'd hate either of them to be disappointed. The girls are having a lovely time playing and luckily our plans today can be flexible but it would really help if you could let me know when you plan on collecting her so I can make plans for dinner and know what to do about our evening, thanks. She's a pleasure to have and they get on so well so I'm happy to schedule a proper play date soon x"

Edited

Good grief. Do not send this. It is very rude.

PinkLemons99 · 21/10/2023 15:39

Surely all you need to do is text the mum and say “I’ll be dropping Emily back around 5pm unless you’d prefer to collect her yourself?”

No need to make a meal of it and then raise it with your daughter when the friend has gone home. If it turns out that DD knew nothing about it either, then you’ll have to speak to the mum when you see her next time.

Original poster
SusanTheShocked · 21/10/2023 15:40

Lizzieregina · 21/10/2023 15:33

If I didn’t have plans to leave my house, I couldn’t get worked up about this. I’d probably have been delighted that someone was keeping DD company. At some point I’d ask the girls what the plans are for pick up and go from there. If there’s already a time that works for me, fine, and if no plan, I’d text the mom.

When friend is gone, I would gently point out to my DD that in the future, she needs to check with me before issuing invitations.

I think this is the approach I’m going to go with.

I don’t mind at all.

But this isn’t really the sort of place where 9 year old children could wander around the streets safely. So no one really does that.

OP posts:
Ktime · 21/10/2023 15:40

WeMustGetOffTheMountain · 21/10/2023 15:31

Well yes, it said dad dropped "her" off but I couldn't work out if it was DD's dad dropping her back at her mum's, or her friend's dad. So I was asking for clarification.... Hmm

Show quote history

How can OP’s DH have already dropped the friend back home when the friend is still there?

Paddleboarder · 21/10/2023 15:41

I wouldn’t pretend I didn’t know she was coming - I would message and say they are having a lovely time playing and she’s very welcome but I wasn’t expecting her! Then arrange pick up etc. Next time her parents will probably message to make sure you know. Don’t feel awkward!

wildwestpioneer · 21/10/2023 15:43

At nine years old, I'd have expected one of the parents to contact me directly to make sure it's okay. I'd mention it to them when they come to collect her.

I'd also drop them a text just asking them what time they are collecting her and whether she needs feeding or not. You could always put something in the text along the lines of ' in future, could you let me know if you're dropping your DD off as I wasn't aware'

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 21/10/2023 15:45

Surely the friend thinks you mean Lucy when you're asking if she's had dinner?

Stickystickystick · 21/10/2023 15:45

I don't understand a lot of these replies. Surely at 9 even if a child did invite her friend over, the parents would communicate with the plans? They are 9 years old!

saythatagaintome · 21/10/2023 15:45

What parent drops off their 9yr WITHOUT checking with the adults???

honestly?

JussathoB · 21/10/2023 15:47

Just ask the girls what time the friend is going home and check how she’s getting home, is her dad picking her up or what.

Starlightstarbright2 · 21/10/2023 15:47

I am not sure why you don’t call your Dd aside .. ask her what plans were made ..

Its not that hard

IhearyouClemFandango · 21/10/2023 15:48

9 is relatively young for independent play date arranging, but this really wouldn't be a big deal in our house. I'd just text mum and say "girls are having fun, what time do you want her back?"

And say to DD "I'm glad you had fun, she's a nice little girl. Next time check with me first in case we're doing anything".

No Biggie.

Wetblanket78 · 21/10/2023 15:48

Some say dinner and tea we do. So if they call their midday meal dinner then she probably has. Just not had tea yet obviously.

At school we had dinner ladies not lunch ladies.

WonderingWanda · 21/10/2023 15:50

Has your dd actually told you she arranged this? I can't work out if you've asked her yet?

Tiredmum100 · 21/10/2023 15:50

Fionaville · 21/10/2023 15:25

I'm assuming that the dinner confusion is part of the 'what to you call your meals?' debate i.e lunch or dinner, tea or dinner 😅
I do think its bizarre dropping your child off at somebodies house at aged 9, without the parents having the conversation/giving the invite.
I wouldn't mention it though. But definitely message the mum asking what time she wants her home/is picking her up!

Yes, where I grew up, we say dinner for lunchtime as in the meal you would eat between 12.00-14.00. So she means she's had lunch. I wouldn't send that text as posted previously. I would be upset to receive that. Sort of implies the parents should have checked first and blameful.

WhateverMate · 21/10/2023 15:52

WonderingWanda · 21/10/2023 15:50

Has your dd actually told you she arranged this? I can't work out if you've asked her yet?

She hasn't, despite her thread title.

Such a quick and simple thing to do before ringing the parent.

WeMustGetOffTheMountain · 21/10/2023 15:52

Ktime · 21/10/2023 15:40

How can OP’s DH have already dropped the friend back home when the friend is still there?

Show quote history

Just because he's the OP's husband, doesn't mean he's the child's dad... I didn't know whether the OP's daughter was the one being dropped off at home then the OP came down from her shower to 2 children, or whether the DD's friend had been dropped off by HER dad.

Christ alight, why on earth does this matter so much? I was asking the question to get clarification to give a proper reply. If the other child lived like 2 minutes away then that would be entirely more acceptable to turn up unannounced than if her grown up had driven her 20 minutes for a "play date".

Floralnomad · 21/10/2023 15:53

All2Well · 21/10/2023 15:09

You run the risk of them just dumping their child on you whenever they feel like it, you need to be honest but nice.

"Hello Ava's Mum, hope all is well! I think we've had some crossed wires somewhere 😂. When I've got out of the bath, I've found Ava playing downstairs but I wasn't expecting a play date today. It was DH who answered the door to Ava's Dad and he assumed that I'd arranged it and forgot to tell him. Maybe DD arranged it without telling me, she does love playing with Ava so it wouldn't suprise me! Will have a chat with her later and explain she needs to ask me first as we might not have been in and I'd hate either of them to be disappointed. The girls are having a lovely time playing and luckily our plans today can be flexible but it would really help if you could let me know when you plan on collecting her so I can make plans for dinner and know what to do about our evening, thanks. She's a pleasure to have and they get on so well so I'm happy to schedule a proper play date soon x"

Edited

Don’t do this , it’s ridiculously long winded . If you don’t have plans for later just text and ask what time they are collecting her , if you have plans / don’t want her to stay for dinner just text and say could you pick up at x time as we have plans .

NerrSnerr · 21/10/2023 15:53

She would have meant she's had lunch. I say dinner instead of lunch (northern). Just go and ask them what their plan is and see if you agree!

Wanttobefree2 · 21/10/2023 15:53

If the kids are 9 years I would expect play dates to be arranged between parents, it’s odd this girls parents didn’t get your number to confirm arrangements tbh.

Darhon · 21/10/2023 15:54

If you’re in the north or her parents are northern, she may mean she’s had her lunch! I’d still do some tea for them

Redglitter · 21/10/2023 15:55

Thedm · 21/10/2023 15:30

When I was a kid, we didn’t have mobiles and you didn’t tell your parents! Your friends just chapped the door to see if you wanted to come out an half three time asked to come in… and if you were home, you did. Parents could chuck us all out at any time, but if you were home and your friends came in for you; it was fine. I can’t imagine my mum ever phoning up true other parents!

Does everything need to be arranged? Her friend came in for her, you guys were home. It’s all good.

Thats exactly what I was thinking. When did everything become so complicated. My Dad often dropped me off at friends houses & friends were dropped off at ours. Now everything has to be a pre arranged 'play date'