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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset she brought it up AGAIN

183 replies

MILwoes1 · 21/10/2023 10:37

DH and I have a great relationship. We’ve both been in shit relationships before and genuinely have a happy marriage. Have our disagreements don’t get me wrong but on the whole we’re happy.

i’m DH’s 2nd wife, he got divorced 9 years ago. He also had another 4 year relationship before that. We know each other’s pasts and have accepted them etc so that’s fine. I was in a long term relationship as well before I met him.

the problem is my MIL CONSTANTLY brings up his exes despite my husband constantly berating her for it. He just says to her that’s not relevant anymore, no need to bring it up. It’s even if she’s telling a story where there’s no need to mention his exes, she will anyway.

so last night we’re all out for dinner (all the girls just) and my DH said to me if his mother says anything about the past just ignore her because it has got to the point where it’s annoying/upsetting me and that he would say on the quiet to his sister (who was also at the dinner) to make sure his mother didn’t bring up the past.

so everything was going fine and we were talking about wedding numbers for an upcoming family wedding and she says ‘sure when DH and ‘Ex wives name’ got married…’ looked at me and then changed the subject then was laughing to herself about her obvious faux pas.

i made my excuses about having a headache and went on home to DH. He’s angry that she brought it up again and so am I. We live about 30 mins away from MIL so just young to give her a wide berth from now on. I feel a bit bad doing that but I feel like she’s nearly doing it deliberately now

AIBU?

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 21/10/2023 10:39

That is definitely on purpose.

I'm not even married, my DP and ex w had children - and his mother only rarely brings exw up, and only in conversation with the children.

Original poster
MILwoes1 · 21/10/2023 10:45

Sorry that should read going to give her a wide berth

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 21/10/2023 10:47

Is MIL generally tactless with a big mouth?

Malificent1 · 21/10/2023 10:47

It was on purpose.

Batshit, mean old cow.

ForfarBridie · 21/10/2023 10:48

I would just say - DH is very weary of you constantly bringing up the past and because I’m so fond of you I feel it’s my duty to explain that his patience is running out and you’re in danger of him not seeing you so often going forward.

bombastix · 21/10/2023 10:53

Well isn't she a mean cow? Presumably she had a better deal with the previous incumbent wife than you. Or maybe she was just nasty to her too but for differing reasons.

I would harden up. This woman likes upsetting you. She won't stop.

Gazelda · 21/10/2023 11:02

Everyone at the dinner will have noticed. Your SIL will know that it's something she's done far too often and that it is hurtful to you. Your DH is angry with her.

She's going to end up alienating everyone close to her.

I wouldn't tackle her on this. I'd leave it to DH and your SIL. Perhaps he could text her to say "DM, your frequent irrelevant mentions of ex are very tiresome. They are disrespectful to my wife and I. Please stop. I've asked you before, but this is becoming a problem now."

I'd reduce contact with her if I were you. Don't let her bait you. Let her stew on her meanness to a close family member (you) and reflect on why she feels the need to be nasty.

Finfinfin · 21/10/2023 11:05

Wow, she really wants to wind you up and she doesn't care that she's upsetting her own son as well.

You are doing the right thing by reducing contact (I would just avoid her altogether).

Let her go out to dinner with her son's exes in future. They are much more important to her.

TheHoover · 21/10/2023 11:07

Yep minimise contact quietly and in a dignified way with no fuss or announcement.

cansu · 21/10/2023 11:08

It is quite difficult to erase a former dil from living memory. Maybe you should try thinking about the fact that your husband had another wife as just part of his history. I can't see why mentioning someone's name should be so upsetting tbh.

WHALESURPRISE · 21/10/2023 11:08

I would totally ignore her. She wants a reaction.

jeaux90 · 21/10/2023 11:10

Honestly OP I'd have it out with her. Ask her why she does it. But that's me, I won't let that kind of behaviour slide especially as your DH has also tried (assuming that he has actually had that conversation with her)

Countdown2023 · 21/10/2023 11:11

Nasty piece of work - just avoid her from now on. Life is too short to put up with this shit

welcometothnuthouse · 21/10/2023 11:11

I'd reduce contact with her too, it sounds like she prefered the ex to keep doing this and she doesn't get the fact it is possibly driving a wedge between her and her ds.
Dh stands up for you which he should do anyway, you are the main woman in his life now not his mother or his ex and she needs to remember that. Least dh and you decide to go low contact with her. and quite understandable.

bombastix · 21/10/2023 11:12

This is not your fault. It is unresolved issues with her son and his divorce. She is a cowardly bitch to do it this way of course.

welcometothnuthouse · 21/10/2023 11:14

cansu · 21/10/2023 11:08

It is quite difficult to erase a former dil from living memory. Maybe you should try thinking about the fact that your husband had another wife as just part of his history. I can't see why mentioning someone's name should be so upsetting tbh.

They divorced 9 years ago! Mil has had years to get used to her sons 2nd wife, she's just being bitchy for the sake of it because she knows it winds OP up and in turn her son.

honeylulu · 21/10/2023 11:19

My MIL used to do that. It was deliberate. She was a nasty piece of work - liked to be Queen Bee and it was one of the ways she used to "make me know my place". It had the feeling of oh you're not the first wife, his wives are temporary, I'm the only woman constant in his life.

Ironically she apparently loathed my husband's first wife but you never would have guessed from the way she extolled her virtues or brought up "happy memories".

Createausername1970 · 21/10/2023 11:24

I wouldn't have it out with her, I would just go NC for the time being. Your DH is on your side, so if there is any talking to be done, he can do it.

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 21/10/2023 11:25

Well she will end up very old and lonely if she keeps doing that OP. She's showing a lack of respect for her son as he's explained how he would prefer her to stop.

I agree - don't say anything. And don't let her think she has had an effect on you. Just act unbothered and create distance. She's brought it on herself.

happylittlesloth · 21/10/2023 11:26

She's making a fool of herself. But yeah don't bother with her anymore

Spinet · 21/10/2023 11:29

Honestly the best thing you can do is accept that your DH had a past life/wife and exes and speak of them as easily as your mil does. That way she can't upset you with it can she? With somebody who will talk about forbidden subjects to upset you it's best not to have any forbidden subjects, unless you can just go NC.

IncognitoMam · 21/10/2023 11:30

I agree with going grey rock or NC.

It's ok if my Mil talks about dh's ex wife as we all get on. She's a lovely woman (ex) but I know that's unusual. I get on with exdh too.

Vitriolinsanity · 21/10/2023 11:31

I think you have to do this one directly yourself.

Straight in the eye "MIL every time I see you you mention DH's ex wives. There really can be only two reasons spite or dislike to me. It's time now to either stop, and for good, or keep on. If you keep on, it will mean that I will need to stop seeing you as I would anyone that continued when you've been told many times that you upset me."

Then stop talking. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know to take it from there.

Georgyporky · 21/10/2023 11:31

My previous MIL was the nastiest bitch imaginable, but even she didn't mention her ex-DIL to me.
I'd keep away from her.

AnxiousPixie · 21/10/2023 11:31

I've minimized contact with my MiL for very similar reasons OP. Mine lived to point out that in her opinion DH was 'much happier in his old life'. I must say since I don't have to hear that anymore I am much happier in my new life! Do what is going to make you and DH happier OP. If that means reducing contact do it.