To be upset she brought it up AGAIN

[MILwoes1]

DH and I have a great relationship. We’ve both been in shit relationships before and genuinely have a happy marriage. Have our disagreements don’t get me wrong but on the whole we’re happy.

i’m DH’s 2nd wife, he got divorced 9 years ago. He also had another 4 year relationship before that. We know each other’s pasts and have accepted them etc so that’s fine. I was in a long term relationship as well before I met him.

the problem is my MIL CONSTANTLY brings up his exes despite my husband constantly berating her for it. He just says to her that’s not relevant anymore, no need to bring it up. It’s even if she’s telling a story where there’s no need to mention his exes, she will anyway.

so last night we’re all out for dinner (all the girls just) and my DH said to me if his mother says anything about the past just ignore her because it has got to the point where it’s annoying/upsetting me and that he would say on the quiet to his sister (who was also at the dinner) to make sure his mother didn’t bring up the past.

so everything was going fine and we were talking about wedding numbers for an upcoming family wedding and she says ‘sure when DH and ‘Ex wives name’ got married…’ looked at me and then changed the subject then was laughing to herself about her obvious faux pas.

i made my excuses about having a headache and went on home to DH. He’s angry that she brought it up again and so am I. We live about 30 mins away from MIL so just young to give her a wide berth from now on. I feel a bit bad doing that but I feel like she’s nearly doing it deliberately now

AIBU?

Totally depends on circumstances. Marriages end for allsorts of reasons.

She sounds horrible. Bullying and spiteful. I'd avoid as much as possible, but also if she brings up his exs I'd pretend it didn't bother me in the slightest and go along with the conversation. The only way she will stop is if it doesn't bother you at all. Laugh at her! She's a sad cow, what a boring life getting a kick out of doing that.

Totally agree. Why mentioning an ex is so upsetting ?

It's the way it's done. There's mentioning it and there's banging on about her.

Come on! She has zero manners. Such people want you to know that they don't like you.

A good person doesn't do this.

I know we're all different people and you're obviously too nice to make a scene at the scene so to speak, but I would pick her up on it every time and ask her in front of people especially if it's a family gathering why she feels the need to do it. Tell her everyone is a tad bored with it now and she has the choice to button her lip or see a lot less of her son and you. She doesn't give a shit about making you feel awkward turn the tables. I'm genuinely not a confrontational person but enough is enough.

Because it’s disrespectful, unnecessary, and just plain rude. Her own son has told her not to and she is still choosing to bring up his ex from nine years ago. It is rude to constantly bring up someone’s ex in front of their current partner. She’s not being respectful of her son and OP by doing so.

My m-i-l only ever talks about my late partner’s ex wife to say what an awful selfish cow she was. Meanwhile my m-i-l and I get on great, she always tells me what a great mum I am. I love it! And I love her!

So not really relevant but good to get that off my chest! But, yes, your m-i-l is being a shit-stirring madam and if your DH supports you you should feel free to proceed accordingly.

If she’s just mentioning her in a factual way, relevant to the conversation I wouldn’t have a problem with it. The past is the past and isn’t in competition with the present. If she’s comparing unfavourably that’s a different thing though and I’d be pissed off as the intent behind that is very different.
Either way though, if she’s been asked not to and is consciously doing so anyway that’s a different story.

Honestly I think the answer here is not to white wash out his past, why does it bother you if she mentions it, if it didn’t she would likely stop.

She sounds like she enjoys your reaction to this .TBH I think she is very petty.odds on she liked upsetting first wife too! I would just be cool with her and let SIL take her to task . Your own DH is upset by it too. She must be pretty cold to keep on with it

But OP isn't whitewashing. She knows perfectly well about her husband's relationships, given he's a grown up it'd be jolly odd if he hadn't any.

The point is that MIL seems to either have one foot stuck in the past, or is a goady fucker.

Either way it doesn't much matter when she's been asked by her own children to knock it off.

I think the MIL is very probably being an absolute cow. But it's a good time to practise that 'you can only control what YOU do' thing and work on not being bothered about your DH's past. People throw the idea of going NC about on here but it's seldom straightforward and never without a sacrifice of some sort.

Agree with this. You were talking about weddings and she mentioned a previous significant wedding, her sons, she had been to.

What is the big deal? It seems you want the topic to be taboo, or you have an issue with it? Why can't it be mentioned? Do you have jealousy issues either around you dhs past relationships, or his families relationship with a previous DIL or perhaps his previous wedding?. I can't understand why this is a problem in the context of generally taking about weddings.

YABVU to try to ban anyone from taking about significant periods of their life and you need to reflect why this is such a big issue for you (as you are the one with the problem) that you are willing to risk fracturing your and your dhs relationship with his family over it.

We mention my brothers ex wife regularly, I still see her a few times a year, and his current wife doesn't even flinch, she even initiates the conversations sometimes because she feels secure in her relationship and herself.

Next time just ask
Did dh’s ex’s leave because you were their mil?
I’ll have to have a chat with them about you.

You seriously think it’s appropriate to talk about OP’s dh first wedding to the OP?

I wouldn't have made an excuse like a headache though (because i am bolshy) - I'd have stood up, rolled my eyes and said "not this tripe again, MIL, why not invite ex instead of me next time?"

Give her an extremely wide birth. She's not worth the headspace

This is very sensible

As you don’t seem to want to reduce contact, it’s worth one last shot

Yeah, she's not a very nice person. Give her a wide berth and emotionally detach from her completely. Look up Grey Rock Technique and use it whenever you are forced to be in her company. Leave her entirely to your DH to deal with and communicate with. Don't bother answering the phone to her either.

The OP has said her MIL constantly brings up his exes, it’s not the odd reference. This is unusual. She’s been asked to stop. A normal person would reduce the references.

Don’t be obtuse.

I’d be going low contact with her however I would also be tempted to ask her in front of everyone, the next time she mentions an ex ,

Did you dislike her as much as you dislike me?
Did she see sense and leave dh because of you?

Just get the ex wife conversation in first, ‘I know when DH married Samantha they had several hundred to the wedding, didn’t they MiL?’ Takes all the sting out of it. Show her you know DH has a past, everyone knows, and no one cares.

Did she do the same to his ex girlfriend? Did she particularly get on well with her previous DIL? Did the women like her?

I like this - sometimes it’s more polite to be direct. When I have to be direct, I pretend that I am an English speaking German / Swede / Dutch person. Someone who is not squeamish about plain speaking.

I "seriously" do not see the issue and would not expect family to have to check or censor conversations. Op obviously has some issues still with her dhs past.