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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset she brought it up AGAIN

183 replies

MILwoes1 · 21/10/2023 10:37

DH and I have a great relationship. We’ve both been in shit relationships before and genuinely have a happy marriage. Have our disagreements don’t get me wrong but on the whole we’re happy.

i’m DH’s 2nd wife, he got divorced 9 years ago. He also had another 4 year relationship before that. We know each other’s pasts and have accepted them etc so that’s fine. I was in a long term relationship as well before I met him.

the problem is my MIL CONSTANTLY brings up his exes despite my husband constantly berating her for it. He just says to her that’s not relevant anymore, no need to bring it up. It’s even if she’s telling a story where there’s no need to mention his exes, she will anyway.

so last night we’re all out for dinner (all the girls just) and my DH said to me if his mother says anything about the past just ignore her because it has got to the point where it’s annoying/upsetting me and that he would say on the quiet to his sister (who was also at the dinner) to make sure his mother didn’t bring up the past.

so everything was going fine and we were talking about wedding numbers for an upcoming family wedding and she says ‘sure when DH and ‘Ex wives name’ got married…’ looked at me and then changed the subject then was laughing to herself about her obvious faux pas.

i made my excuses about having a headache and went on home to DH. He’s angry that she brought it up again and so am I. We live about 30 mins away from MIL so just young to give her a wide berth from now on. I feel a bit bad doing that but I feel like she’s nearly doing it deliberately now

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheNoodlesIncident · 21/10/2023 12:12

You were talking about weddings and she mentioned a previous significant wedding, her sons, she had been to.

Surely the more recent wedding of her son's to OP would have been more significant than a previous one many years ago which ended in divorce?

TBH I'd be more rolling my eyes and saying "Oh yes MIL, I saw DH Ex the other day and she said "Watch out for MIL, she's a pain!" Guess what I said..?" Just really making a joke of it and showing her you don't actually care about her opinion - it'll take the sting out of her tail if you don't look as though you care (whether you do or not). People who say things for a reaction are disappointed when you thwart them by not providing any (or one that is clearly humorous and poking fun at them).

Wildhorses2244 · 21/10/2023 12:15

I’d go for “It’s odd that you keep bringing up Exw as though you were close when she and dh were married- she’s always maintained that the best bit of divorcing was getting some space. Maybe absence does make the heart grow fonder. Funny that really. “

NoTouch · 21/10/2023 12:19

theduchessofspork · 21/10/2023 12:04

The OP has said her MIL constantly brings up his exes, it’s not the odd reference. This is unusual. She’s been asked to stop. A normal person would reduce the references.

Don’t be obtuse.

Show quote history

A different opinion does not equate to obtuse. You have every right to disagree but there is no need to for insults.

The only example op gave was there was a discussion on weddings, reference to a previous wedding that the whole family was probably heavily involved in and was a shared experience in the past is absolutely normal and op, imo, overreacted in this example.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/10/2023 12:19

How long were they together? Were they close? Do they have kid together? If they were together years then it can be quite difficult to not mention someone that was a big part of your life for years, and pretty much impossible not to if they have kids.

I get on with my ex SIL, we spent a lot of time as two couples, and although I don't talk about her directly to my brother, she is my nephews mum and of course she comes up in the odd conversation eg discussions of past holidays, celebrations etc.

Unless you think she is doing it more frequently than she otherwise would, just to annoy you, or is doing it needlessly 'oh nice hair, reminds me of the time when ex wife had a hair cut'. But in a discussion about weddings it would be weird of her not to mention her sons first wedding surely

Lovelyweatheragain · 21/10/2023 12:21

I bet she was nasty to the exes too, when they were with your DH

Oganesson118 · 21/10/2023 12:25

My in laws used to live abroad. The first time I met them was on a visit out there. We went out for lunch the day we arrived and pretty much the first questions she asked were "Are you going to meet up with Ex1 whilst you're here?" and "Have you been in touch with Ex2?" followed by his brother saying "What about girlhelikedbutdidntgettogetherwith?"

They pretty much set out their stall there and then that I wasn't what they hoped for.

billy1966 · 21/10/2023 12:31

Give her the widest berth.

Completely avoid her.

Tell your husband that how and when he sees his mother is completely his business and you would rather not be included as you need a break from her persistent rudeness.

Don't say anymore.

Sit back and see how much effort he makes.

Do not respond to any contact from her.

She has chosen to be unkind, she can accept the consequences.

PhantomUnicorn · 21/10/2023 12:32

Considering you say you accept he has a past, why does it bother you that his exes are bought up?

Stop saying you accept it if you dont.

Both my ExH and my brother have been married twice, i've been married once and am now in a relationship.. my partner has had past relationships.. we all talk about each other exes, past marriages, relationships...etc without any of it being taboo or anyone being weird about it like they have to be hushed up, they're included in conversation like anyone else we know from the past would be.

I suggest you address with yourself WHY it bothers you to the point your MIL is expected to be quiet.

I get she is being a horror having being asked to NOT talk, and that does need addressing, but if it didn't bother you, her behaviour would be a non issue.

bombastix · 21/10/2023 12:34

God forbid she has any manners. Women like this take any crumb of power they can. They never change either, emotional vampires.

JMSA · 21/10/2023 12:34

But you're a grown woman. Can't you call her out on it yourself?

CaineRaine · 21/10/2023 12:34

Next time she does it, check how long you’ve been with her and say “well DH, I guess I owe you a fiver as you said we wouldn’t get an hour in before your mum mentioned your ex” and then laugh. I’d call her out on it every single time, while reducing contact to the minimum.

aSofaNearYou · 21/10/2023 12:36

She's giving you no reason to want to socialise with her. Just avoid her.

momonpurpose · 21/10/2023 12:37

neilyoungismyhero · 21/10/2023 11:37

I know we're all different people and you're obviously too nice to make a scene at the scene so to speak, but I would pick her up on it every time and ask her in front of people especially if it's a family gathering why she feels the need to do it. Tell her everyone is a tad bored with it now and she has the choice to button her lip or see a lot less of her son and you. She doesn't give a shit about making you feel awkward turn the tables. I'm genuinely not a confrontational person but enough is enough.

I agree she needs to be embarrassed around others to get the damn message. But I also want to say how lovely it is your husband is on your side.

momonpurpose · 21/10/2023 12:38

CaineRaine · 21/10/2023 12:34

Next time she does it, check how long you’ve been with her and say “well DH, I guess I owe you a fiver as you said we wouldn’t get an hour in before your mum mentioned your ex” and then laugh. I’d call her out on it every single time, while reducing contact to the minimum.

Omg brilliant! Absolutely it's the only way this nasty woman will learn

Dweetfidilove · 21/10/2023 12:38

YABU for giving her so much power.

Your and your husband’s objections and constant words are just feeding the beast.

As for running away from dinner - call the nasty cow out and then move on.

The more talks you have, the more upset you become, the more fun it is for her.

TolkiensFallow · 21/10/2023 12:38

This is clearly to “put you in your place” and remind you that she’s been about the longest. It’s a bitchy tactic.

isitshe · 21/10/2023 12:39

Is she trying to push her own son away? Often on these threads the husband/son is a bit spineless & won't stand up for his wife & challenge his mum's behaviour, but it's astounding that your MIL continues despite your DH telling her not to. I think you have to be another level of spiteful to not care about alienating your own child.

Lose10kyesterday · 21/10/2023 12:40

Notmytotoro · 21/10/2023 11:34

Totally agree. Why mentioning an ex is so upsetting ?

Show quote history

I was wondering that, too? Also, how long had your DH been married to his first wife? Although I also agree that your MIL is doing it deliberately to get a rise out of you, as she knows you get upset, but that's a separate issue.

trythisforsize · 21/10/2023 12:40

Does she have a deceased pet you could keep mentioning - or something similar?

bombastix · 21/10/2023 12:41

Probably he was never supposed to get married at all and stay at home with his mother forever

Caipirovska · 21/10/2023 12:46

DH didn't have any exs I was first on the scene instead MIL tried imply he was gay then would talk about how wonderful DH best mate's wife was and how DH should be with her - that woman was a cheat and not very person DH couldn't stand who now has no need of ILs so doesn't even say hello.

MIL was awful around wedding and pg children etc- which she now conveniently forgotten - and while I have stood my ground and thought we'd got pass it little digs and bullshit pop up every so often.

So yes keep your distance at least your DP knows shes like this and admits it it's a good start.

Haffiana · 21/10/2023 12:46

welcometothnuthouse · 21/10/2023 11:14

They divorced 9 years ago! Mil has had years to get used to her sons 2nd wife, she's just being bitchy for the sake of it because she knows it winds OP up and in turn her son.

Show quote history

Second wife has had YEARS to get over the fact that there was a first wife and that she was a huge part of MILs family and that MIL shouldn't have to pretend it never happened.

Caipirovska · 21/10/2023 12:47

TolkiensFallow · 21/10/2023 12:38

This is clearly to “put you in your place” and remind you that she’s been about the longest. It’s a bitchy tactic.

It's a pattern of one upmanship I've later seen in a lot of in my MIL behavior to me and others.

YouJustDoYou · 21/10/2023 12:48

Yet another bitch mil. Sorry you have to deal with that op.

SpongeBob2022 · 21/10/2023 12:51

I think it's strange to be so bothered about an ex being brought up. I'm not sure I get that bit of it tbh.

I can only make assumptions but maybe your MIL feels the same. But whereas a decent person would just respect your wishes and bite their tongue, she has some sort of axe to grind or isn't very nice so does it deliberately? I don't know. I do think it's odd that she continues when even your DH doesn't like it.

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