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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset she brought it up AGAIN

183 replies

MILwoes1 · 21/10/2023 10:37

DH and I have a great relationship. We’ve both been in shit relationships before and genuinely have a happy marriage. Have our disagreements don’t get me wrong but on the whole we’re happy.

i’m DH’s 2nd wife, he got divorced 9 years ago. He also had another 4 year relationship before that. We know each other’s pasts and have accepted them etc so that’s fine. I was in a long term relationship as well before I met him.

the problem is my MIL CONSTANTLY brings up his exes despite my husband constantly berating her for it. He just says to her that’s not relevant anymore, no need to bring it up. It’s even if she’s telling a story where there’s no need to mention his exes, she will anyway.

so last night we’re all out for dinner (all the girls just) and my DH said to me if his mother says anything about the past just ignore her because it has got to the point where it’s annoying/upsetting me and that he would say on the quiet to his sister (who was also at the dinner) to make sure his mother didn’t bring up the past.

so everything was going fine and we were talking about wedding numbers for an upcoming family wedding and she says ‘sure when DH and ‘Ex wives name’ got married…’ looked at me and then changed the subject then was laughing to herself about her obvious faux pas.

i made my excuses about having a headache and went on home to DH. He’s angry that she brought it up again and so am I. We live about 30 mins away from MIL so just young to give her a wide berth from now on. I feel a bit bad doing that but I feel like she’s nearly doing it deliberately now

AIBU?

OP posts:
CantFindMyMarbles · 22/10/2023 18:58

Being up your ex MIL all the time and talk about how wonderful she was.

Missingpop · 22/10/2023 19:11

Gosh some Mil are right old cows; I feel for you it must be awful but maybe she’s just pushing you to see how far she can go until you react; perhaps if you’d turned & said “Ok * I’ve had enough I’m with your Ds now not ex1 or ex2 yet you keep going to great lengths to bring their names into every conversation, Ds has asked you to stop doing it but you still keep doing it; it’s like you want to get a reaction from me so here it is stop talking about the exes it get on mine & Ds’s nerves & isn’t relevant to anyone else but you.

toxic44 · 22/10/2023 19:28

DP's mother went one better. Each visit she'd mention his previous partner, adding, 'Here's her number, I gave her yours and said how pleased you'd be to hear from her.'
He told his mother repeatedly to stop this game but she wouldn't. So he told me he was going NC. Voilà. No contact, no problem. It's the best solution.

Bludyhelltobenutz · 22/10/2023 19:30

She’s a nasty old bat, and make no mistake. You and DH both know your pasts and are happy together. She sees that and is envious. Next time, I’d call her out on it in front of everyone by you or your DH saying “oh not that again, pleeease! it’s such a bore” or do a false yawn and catch your DHs eye and laugh with him.

UnalterableSpaceCadet · 22/10/2023 19:31

You need to get a tattoo of your previous *MIL's face/star sign/dob or whatever. It's the only way forward.

*If you don't have a previous MIL, make one up.

Owl55 · 22/10/2023 20:11

Maybe every time she talks about your husbands ex you talk about your ex but warn your husband first! Maybe she will the one feeling uncomfortable!😉

ManchesterLu · 22/10/2023 20:23

My DP's parents do this all the time. The woman he was with before me, they idolised her, but DP grew apart from her, split up, and had no regrets whatsoever. DP and I have now been together longer than they were (nearly a decade) and still they bring up how great she is.

NewName122 · 22/10/2023 20:53

She obviously doesn't like you much. Definitely give her a wide berth from now on.

azlazee1 · 22/10/2023 21:27

I don't know - it sounds like her mouth was faster than her brain. Could it have been a slip-up? She stopped once she realized?

Lackinginspiration1 · 22/10/2023 22:00

My MIL did this sort of thing in the early days too, but I countered with an anecdote about my own ex and she’s never done it since :)

happylittlesloth · 22/10/2023 22:13

Lackinginspiration1 · 22/10/2023 22:00

My MIL did this sort of thing in the early days too, but I countered with an anecdote about my own ex and she’s never done it since :)

Nicely done!

Madmanc · 23/10/2023 08:13

My MIL is very similar & I don’t even comment now if she brings up her ex DIL, find it works better to just ignore her.
Unbelievably the first time I went to her house she showed me the wedding album of DH’s wedding to his ex! 😂😂 Just sad attention seeking individuals.
As you can imagine I let DH visit her & FIL on his own now and only see her at family get togethers where I can give her a wide berth - no-one needs that nastiness in their lives.

IncognitoMam · 23/10/2023 11:35

toxic44 · 22/10/2023 19:28

DP's mother went one better. Each visit she'd mention his previous partner, adding, 'Here's her number, I gave her yours and said how pleased you'd be to hear from her.'
He told his mother repeatedly to stop this game but she wouldn't. So he told me he was going NC. Voilà. No contact, no problem. It's the best solution.

How weird of her. Are you still NC?

toxic44 · 23/10/2023 13:11

@IncognitoMam Neither he nor I have spoken to her since. When his father died she sent a message through her other son saying I mustn't attend the funeral. DP is chronic depressive and couldn't face seeing her by himself.

IncognitoMam · 23/10/2023 15:47

toxic44 · 23/10/2023 13:11

@IncognitoMam Neither he nor I have spoken to her since. When his father died she sent a message through her other son saying I mustn't attend the funeral. DP is chronic depressive and couldn't face seeing her by himself.

What a bitch. I'd have gone anyway.

Angelan86 · 23/10/2023 17:17

@toxic44 thats so sad that your husband couldn’t even go to his fathers funeral because of his narcissistic mother 😞 I’d have just gone anyway and if she caused a scene then that’s on her, stealing the limelight so to speak. Absolutely disgusting behaviour from you mil

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 23/10/2023 17:24

cansu · 21/10/2023 11:08

It is quite difficult to erase a former dil from living memory. Maybe you should try thinking about the fact that your husband had another wife as just part of his history. I can't see why mentioning someone's name should be so upsetting tbh.

It's a relationship from nearly a decade ago. Don't be ridiculous.

ToadOnTheHill · 23/10/2023 17:47

Start counting out loud. Catch DHs eye, smirk, and say 1. Keep counting and make a game of it and when she catches on that you're laughing at her, let her in on the game. We are counting how many times X comes up today. Dh thinks 5 but I think at least 8!

pinkfondu · 23/10/2023 18:15

Maybe try the other way, "oh yes please, tell me all about when he got married tge first time, I don't think I e heard this story" with a big smile and leaning in with your chin on your hands

toxic44 · 23/10/2023 18:53

@Angelan86 He was so ill with depression and anxiety he couldn't leave his room. She had disowned him (via email) because, I suspect, she knew she couldn't control him. He never even mentions her now. I thought her unspeakably cruel.

Angelan86 · 23/10/2023 20:14

@toxic44 yeah that’s what narcissistic parents do, when they know they don’t have your full admiration and control over you they just let you go as if you’re nothing.
I hope your husband is much better now and in a good place, and that he’s had time to deal with the loss of his father, and his mother in a way I suppose, no matter how despicable she was ❤️

Willyoujustbequiet · 23/10/2023 20:30

cansu · 21/10/2023 11:08

It is quite difficult to erase a former dil from living memory. Maybe you should try thinking about the fact that your husband had another wife as just part of his history. I can't see why mentioning someone's name should be so upsetting tbh.

I agree with this tbh.

I couldn't get worked up over it. You can't erase history. Everyone has a past. If you are secure in your relationship just ignore it.

SerafinasGoose · 23/10/2023 20:48

Willyoujustbequiet · 23/10/2023 20:30

I agree with this tbh.

I couldn't get worked up over it. You can't erase history. Everyone has a past. If you are secure in your relationship just ignore it.

Show quote history

But it isn't about the ex-DiL. Even the OP herself sounded quite nonchalant about that.

It's about the sustained and concerted effort to use that particular name to put OP down; to show her she's of lesser consequence. My own MiL did something similar by refusing to refer to me by my actual name, and bestowing on me the non-existent persona of Mrs Hisname. It works the same way: to invalidate someone; to try to show them they are not good enough. And it sounds as though this MiL is also similar to mine, in that once they realize they've finally hit on a weak spot (took mine years of trying, so kudos to her) they never let up, no matter how often they are asked not to do it.

Aside from anything else, how repetitious and boring is this? What a tiresome drag, what tedious, dull company she must be. She won't stop. It's for OP, on those provisos, to decide what she's going to do about it, because it's only her own behaviour she can change. MiL for sure won't: not now she's achieving the desired result. But this is about her putting her DiL in her box. Any other theme would have done just as well (cf. the PP upthread whose former MiL did this to her ex's new partner even though she'd hated her when they were together). It's a point scored: nothing more.

Personally I wouldn't waste my time or personal space on her. Life's too short.

Angelan86 · 23/10/2023 21:07

My partner has a dc with his ex and he sometimes talks about her with his parents. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest 2bh. They talk about when they used to go visit etc (they live abroad) and they’re not reminiscing they’re just talking. My mil is nice tho and always asks how I am and stuff when they’re on call so I know she doesn’t compare us (they actually hate his ex, but would probably hate me too if we ever split 😂)
I just wouldn’t let it bother me, would spend as little time with her as possible because it’s quite clear that she doesn’t like or respect you. And get on with my life with my dh.

toxic44 · 23/10/2023 21:23

@Angelan86 Thank you, he's better than he was but still processing childhood damage. Thank you for your support.

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