To be upset she brought it up AGAIN

[MILwoes1]

DH and I have a great relationship. We’ve both been in shit relationships before and genuinely have a happy marriage. Have our disagreements don’t get me wrong but on the whole we’re happy.

i’m DH’s 2nd wife, he got divorced 9 years ago. He also had another 4 year relationship before that. We know each other’s pasts and have accepted them etc so that’s fine. I was in a long term relationship as well before I met him.

the problem is my MIL CONSTANTLY brings up his exes despite my husband constantly berating her for it. He just says to her that’s not relevant anymore, no need to bring it up. It’s even if she’s telling a story where there’s no need to mention his exes, she will anyway.

so last night we’re all out for dinner (all the girls just) and my DH said to me if his mother says anything about the past just ignore her because it has got to the point where it’s annoying/upsetting me and that he would say on the quiet to his sister (who was also at the dinner) to make sure his mother didn’t bring up the past.

so everything was going fine and we were talking about wedding numbers for an upcoming family wedding and she says ‘sure when DH and ‘Ex wives name’ got married…’ looked at me and then changed the subject then was laughing to herself about her obvious faux pas.

i made my excuses about having a headache and went on home to DH. He’s angry that she brought it up again and so am I. We live about 30 mins away from MIL so just young to give her a wide berth from now on. I feel a bit bad doing that but I feel like she’s nearly doing it deliberately now

AIBU?

Honestly, there is such a big difference between " pretending ExW never existed " and not constantly mentioning her.

And I don't believe anyone on here, in reality doesn't know the difference.

And WE ALL KNOW what a goady fucker is. And MiL is a goady fucker.

All this disingenuous " oh what, pretend it never happened..?"is arse.

There is occasionally mentioning someone and there is being needling and goady. And MiL has been asked to stop and clearly falls into the first camp.

The idea of insisting that family members join in the airbrushing of former partners out of existence just because your ego is so fragile, is ridiculous and akin to cancel culture.

Err that's a very dramatic take on the situation. 😂 Very Interesting.

How about just not constantly bring ExW up? Like basic manners? Especially when asked.

Pretty sure no need for "airbrushing out of existence" .

Are you a bully, @PinkLemons99 ?

I ask this because you clearly felt the need to have an unpleasant dig at the OP, in the not-infrequent mode of AIBU, and someone else saw through precisely what you were doing. You then became quite nasty.

This thread is not about me. I haven't attempted to make it so. But I can spot the behaviour of bullying and passive aggression from some distance away. Is this why you became so defensive and angry? You are making things really personal: where does your assumption come from that I'm afraid to hear someone's name being mentioned in my particular presence? How is this relevant and who cares? This is the OP's thread. It isn't about you either.

But calling others 'deranged', suggesting they need therapy, telling them they need to grow up, does that look like the behaviour of a rational person to you?

Admit it. You wanted a nasty little pop at the OP, to behave as a bully, and are upset that others have seen this for precisely what it is.

Be Kind.

Be kind = Shut up.

I'd be tempted to meet her with something head on next time, and interrupt and cut her off with
"And there I was thinking we'd get through one meal..."
Or
"Well we all know how that turned out, haha"
Or
"Oh, that WAS so long ago, whose for another drink?"

Maintain eye contact and soft smile

Another idea:
Start talking about you partners ex's even more than she does.

So if she 'accidentally' mentions it don't let it drop, be really smiley and keen, like 'ooh what was she wearing?, what did she eat, what did she buy you for Christmas, did she eat brussels with her xmas dinner, what kind of music did she like, oh that's interesting tell me more, how did she feel when that happened, that sounds great tell me more'. Go on and on and on.

Basically see her ex chat attempt to undermine you, and raise it times one hundred.

It would be hilarious just to see her face 😆

Yes, quite. 😂

Also calling someone a Bully = anyone who dares to hold an opinion that I don't approve of.

I'm waiting for the full Bingo card and to be called "a Karen" next. 😜

Absolutely agree.

On MN there are always those who will try to bleat on about ignoring bad behaviour, sucking it up, or rise above it.

I disagree.

In my experience the happiest people are those who have firm boundaries and put real distance between them and those who feel the need to be unkind and goady towards them.

Dropping the rope and leaving them to their behaviour has been most successful.

We can't fix others, nor can we change them.
We can however step away.

Admittedly, for several friends a complete absence of contact for a couple of years, was all that was required, and when very sporadic contact was resumed things were nice and polite.

No-one I know has EVER regretted dropping the rope.

I totally agree with this. Your husbands life before you does not negate your relationship, come to terms with him having a past and she will get bored of talking about it much sooner.

YANBU. I hear through the adult DC grapevine that my exMIL does this ALL THE TIME to his new wife. She actually laughs sometimes when she does it, and the new wife won't even go to their house any more because of it.

She does it absolutely deliberately to cause problems. The funny thing is, she absolutely hates my guts and always has done, but now he has remarried, she keeps our wedding photo on the lounge wall and talks about our engagement/wedding/lives together at every opportunity when NW is there.

Would you advise someone to use a sexist or racist insult? If not then rethink why ageism is ok.

Absolutely 100% this!

If fact get in before her and bring exw up before she does

Nail on head

I know right! Like why bang on about an ex just because they were once a wife. It's boring. They've been asked to stop. They're just shit stirring.

Agreed. We can only ever take responsibility for our own behaviour. It's not possible to change what other people do; nor should anyone want to, for that matter. If they've made their attitudes clear, then we are the ones who can decide whether or not we want to be around them.

Which is why, I think, all the numerous posts about how you can't erase the ex-partners from existence; or the OP's apparent insecurity in not wanting them mentioned, ever, in her presence; or the responses suggesting 'you're a sad sack if you can't be cool with that: I am definitely above that sort of behaviour', are chasing a red herring. Because this clearly isn't about that.

Had OP's DH's exes not been the topic of consernation, this particular MiL would have found another. That is a given. Because, in the end, it didn't matter in the least what the sore point was. Anything would have done. In my MiL's case, it was the use of my accurate name. Everyone has their own particular bugbears and people like these are adroit at finding them.

As a PP above accurately phrased it, we all know what a goady fucker looks like, and this MiL is one. Some of them also like to turn out on AIBU to give the OP a good kicking, no matter what the topic of their post. The whole forum is notorious for it.

On the point of goading, a quick scan of this thread will tell any reader exactly which direction the name-calling is coming from.

personally, I would play her at her own game. start talking about your past relationships and their mums - how nice they were. how much you miss them and sometimes still call them/meet them for coffee, how much of a mother figure they are to you still.... and maybe you will name future children after them

or even ask more q's about ex DILs eg. I heard the reason it didn't work out is because they didn't get on with you MIL, is that true?

smile sweetly like a sabre toothed tigress at all times.

that ought to shut her up.

ps every time you let her get to you and walk out or react... she gets a power high. so don't give her that pleasure.

I love this.

Perfect

OP, maybe your MIL is being a twat deliberately, but ultimately a previous relationship is just that - a thing that happened in the past. I don't think it's something that should never be mentioned - that implies that you are jealous about it, doesn't it? So unless MIL is making comparisons or something cruel like that, it's just a part of his past and hence hers, and there's no problem in mentioning it if its relevant.

She's trying to get a rise out of you. You're falling for it. My MIL does that with politics. Whenever she mentions her you should turn directly to face her and smile as if you are utterly fascinated by what she has to say. See how long she can bang on about her. Every second she carries on will make her look more and more batshit in the eyes of everyone around. She'll stop.

It would irritate me as well, but I think she wants a reaction so in your shoes I'd be determined not to give her the satisfaction. When she makes those comments I'd make direct eye contact with her and look a bit confused but say nothing, to highlight how irrelevant it is that she's bringing up the ex AGAIN. If I knew there was a like-minded person on the table with me I might glance at them in a puzzled/eyebrow raised way too just to try and undermine her more, but I wouldn't make any of those challenging comments suggested and definitely wouldn't have got up and left. I don't think you're BU though, it's just not how I'd have handled it. Try and give her nothing and hopefully she'll get bored of doing it!

It sounds like she continues to do it because it clearly gets a rise out of you both. She’s a nasty piece of work for sure and you’d be quite right to minimise contact, however my suggestion would be to stop giving her what she wants. Letting her know you’re upset about it is the very thing she’s getting off on. I know it’s hard but if you both ignore her silliness for long enough she’ll stop. It will be tough but making excuses about headaches and berating her isn’t working, I suggest completely ignoring her when she brings it up, act as if she never spoke at all and move on to another subject with someone else if possible. She will look a complete tit.

She’s batshit, it’s done to upset you

My MIL always used to call me by DHs XW name to deliberately unsettle me, she claimed with a smirk it was a mistake each time. So when she continued to do this I started talking over her and changing the subject or just ignoring what she said. It might have been rude of me but by that time I'd had enough. It fully stopped when I suggested she might want to book a memory check with her GP as others had noticed she was starting to forget basic information such as my name 🤔