To be upset she brought it up AGAIN

[MILwoes1]

DH and I have a great relationship. We’ve both been in shit relationships before and genuinely have a happy marriage. Have our disagreements don’t get me wrong but on the whole we’re happy.

i’m DH’s 2nd wife, he got divorced 9 years ago. He also had another 4 year relationship before that. We know each other’s pasts and have accepted them etc so that’s fine. I was in a long term relationship as well before I met him.

the problem is my MIL CONSTANTLY brings up his exes despite my husband constantly berating her for it. He just says to her that’s not relevant anymore, no need to bring it up. It’s even if she’s telling a story where there’s no need to mention his exes, she will anyway.

so last night we’re all out for dinner (all the girls just) and my DH said to me if his mother says anything about the past just ignore her because it has got to the point where it’s annoying/upsetting me and that he would say on the quiet to his sister (who was also at the dinner) to make sure his mother didn’t bring up the past.

so everything was going fine and we were talking about wedding numbers for an upcoming family wedding and she says ‘sure when DH and ‘Ex wives name’ got married…’ looked at me and then changed the subject then was laughing to herself about her obvious faux pas.

i made my excuses about having a headache and went on home to DH. He’s angry that she brought it up again and so am I. We live about 30 mins away from MIL so just young to give her a wide berth from now on. I feel a bit bad doing that but I feel like she’s nearly doing it deliberately now

AIBU?

I don’t know about this… is she being malicious or does she just accidentally mention it? I sometimes accidentally mention my own previous marriage in front of DP! Some people aren’t amazingly tactful. Only you can decide whether she is being horrible or just says what she thinks and forgets to be tactful at all times.

Unless she’s horrible to you in other ways I wouldn’t go low contact because she occasionally mentions a previous DIL… seems pretty extreme.

I think you just need to take some control back OP. Letting it slide and then sliding out the back door won't achieve anything other than a message that she can say what she likes.

I'd have just said something like "MIL you do bring this up a lot, is there any reason you do it because we all find it a bit uncomfortable, it doesn't really have anything to do with our lives at this point" or similar. I would expect my DP to also say the same. Obviously that marriage was not a success was it or he would still be in it, so I'm not sure why elements of the wedding would want to be replicated in the first place.

I’ve been with DH for 20 years, he had a long term partner before me … sometimes, even family or friends are telling stories, she may get mentioned.
Does not bother me in the slightest .. they had 9 years together, I can’t erase that bit of the past.
No insecurity or jealousy, the past is just that.

She's jealous of your relationship with your DH and wants to put you in your place. I can't understand how anyone can't see the difference between accepting past relationships and them being mentioned now and then, they're not a secret, and someone looking for every opportunity to bring it up at every gathering. And then laughing about their "faux pas" it is just plain rude.

Smile and nod, smile and nod.

Show you're not bothered. Speak to other people around the table and give her a wide berth.

She's doing it only to get a rise out of you - and she's winning.

Your mil is odd.

What did sil say when mil brought it up yet again?

I would have to call her out publicly and say, whilst smiling sweetly,
‘MIL, what is your intention with constantly mentioning ex wife every time I see you, you seem determined to shoehorn her into every conversation’.

Everyone at the table would know she was being a mean old cow and she have a hard time justifying it. I would then give her a wide berth.

In the example given that would just make OP sound like a complete looney.

She was out with his family, they are very unlikely to feel uncomfortable someone mentioned a past shared event while on the topic of weddings, and if they do it is only because of the OPs being overly sensitive and weird about it.

The were discussing family weddings and that included past family weddings so it did have something "to do with our lives at this point".

Her dh's previous marriage happened, OP needs to stop expecting people to pretend it didn't like some deep dark family secret that should only be whispered about in corners. We are not in the 1950s where people hid or were shamed for being divorced or in 2nd marriages.

As I can be a bit of a cow myself, in that scenario I would say:

"Well, whatever they had at their wedding didn't make a blind bit of difference to the happily ever after did it? Thankfully, I'm here now."

Then force MIL to give you ALL the details of EVERYTHING to do with the wedding. Listen intently like your life depends on it. When she's finished, repeat part of the above.

Play her game OP. DP sounds like a good guy who can stand up to her BS, you need to be the same too. Otherwise, just stop seeing her completely.

Yeah she doesn't like you and thinks she's 'got one over on you' - hence the giggle.
Go completely NC. None at all. Either of you. It's the only way. Just you no longer seeing her, won’t be any issue to her, as that's exactly what she wants!

My ex mother in law was like this, used to really upset me. First time walking in after having my daughter it was ‘oh ( ex husbands name) you really need to call gemma( his ex who his mum loved) she’s so upset about you and Dobby having this baby’ I went out the room and cried. It’s horrible

She’s doing it because it bothers you. Either starve her of a reaction in her presence, or just fuck her off entirely.

I doubt she was any kinder to the ex wife tbh.

She was out with his family, they are very unlikely to feel uncomfortable someone mentioned a past shared event while on the topic of weddings, and if they do it is only because of the OPs being overly sensitive and weird about it.

I find this kind of response really disingenuous. There's a certain type of person that is totally unbothered by exes being brought up and they often insist everybody else feels as they do and the OP is the outlier, but this thread alone shows that that is simply not the case. Loads of people wouldn't like it and would think it was awkward if it happened in front of them.

It would be interesting to see a survey on the subject but I think it is very clear that it is not unusual or weird for people to have an issue with exes being brought up habitually, or to be aware that others do.

God what a cow id be tempted to say "what role did you play in the breakdowns of his previous relationships because you seem hell bent on stirring this one?"

Because it’s unlikely she has a need to do it -
so the reasons for doing so are clearly to upset the OP. Plus do you talk about everyone’s past relationships with company? No, it’s usually awkward and unnecessary.

She's a mean jealous old cow. Your mil sounds a piece of work. Your husband and his sister are on your side.
Go nc and let them do the talking.
Mil will end up a lonely miserable old cow.

Even when a person's new partner isn't there, I still don't regularly bring up their exes unless it's a well established joke - relationships usually end on sad terms for the actual couple in one way or another and I think it's a dick move to keep bringing that person up. In this case he has actually told her he doesn't like it and she's still doing it.

She’s deliberately being a bitch. Stay clear.

"Why don't they visit? I was always so friendly. My door is always open, she has poisoned my son".

So goes on the emotional vampire, looking for victims and sympathy

Well ain't that a thing!

MIL was probably as bitchy to every woman/girl her previous baby boy came into contact with because she has only one woman in mind for him: her.

Hats off to hubby for stepping up to the plate. I'd let her stew in her bile on the basis she's made it clear that OP isn't as good as X so OP won't impose etc. Tell her to her face and wait for her to turn tail.

If OP ever bumped into the exes, I'd bet a dime to a dollar that they could bond over their toxic MIL.

OP, my sister had this. Her DH knew she was upset, asked his mother to stop but she would not.

So one occasion when the MIL did it again DH told his mother in front of everyone that his ex hated her. He said publicly something really specific about his mum that his ex hated. His mother was absolutely put in a spot.

Privately, he told his mother next time she harped on about his ex again he would come out with more embarrassing revelations.

It did the trick.

Good luck OP.

My MiL's way of doing this was to address me continually as Mrs Hisname; a thing she continued doing despite repeated requests by both me and DH to stop. I've used my own family name my entire life. MiL was, (previously) a 'friend' on my Facebook account and I know she read my professional 'X' account as well. She was well aware of exactly what my name was.

I find it really offensive. The quickest way of invalidating someone, to insinuate they are of no worth as an individual, is to refuse to address them by their actual name and reimpose one of their own imagination/creation. It's well beyond rude and very childish: being more the direct type myself, passive aggression is something I never could stomach.

DH himself eventually came to the conclusion that if you're continually asked not to do something and persist in doing it, either you're not very bright or you're doing it deliberately. I'm not sure what kind of point my MiL was making other than 'I'll call you what you want, despite its inaccuracy and any offence I may be causing, so RAH!' But the point was taken. Gradually over the years I've completely removed myself from her orbit. Needless to say there were more serious issues which made the relationship ultimately untenable, but this is a symptom of her general attitude.

OP, I have no time for this BS whatsoever; would far rather people such as our respective MiLs stated outright exactly what we'd done to piss them off (at least this holds the potential of a resolution. But they don't want this). I could have a degree of respect for that. She doesn't really give a shit about your husband's exes, the same way my MiL didn't give a shit about my name. The objective is to put the upstart little woman back into her box.

YANBU.

It seems a bit odd to get so upset about the mention of his past partners - they existed, you accept that, so what's the big deal with it?

Is she comparing you unfavourably?

Do you and your family never speak of your long term ex at all?

Honestly it sounds like she's found your hot button and is pressing it, which is horrible of her, but you really need to stop letting it get to you so much.

YANBU to be upset when someone is being nasty, but in my experience if you are the one to challenge them about it, you become the bad guy. If other people tolerate it, its because they don't want to deal with the upset of her kicking off.

Your DH is on your side so hold on to that.

Nope. Only a first wife would think like this