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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset she brought it up AGAIN

183 replies

MILwoes1 · 21/10/2023 10:37

DH and I have a great relationship. We’ve both been in shit relationships before and genuinely have a happy marriage. Have our disagreements don’t get me wrong but on the whole we’re happy.

i’m DH’s 2nd wife, he got divorced 9 years ago. He also had another 4 year relationship before that. We know each other’s pasts and have accepted them etc so that’s fine. I was in a long term relationship as well before I met him.

the problem is my MIL CONSTANTLY brings up his exes despite my husband constantly berating her for it. He just says to her that’s not relevant anymore, no need to bring it up. It’s even if she’s telling a story where there’s no need to mention his exes, she will anyway.

so last night we’re all out for dinner (all the girls just) and my DH said to me if his mother says anything about the past just ignore her because it has got to the point where it’s annoying/upsetting me and that he would say on the quiet to his sister (who was also at the dinner) to make sure his mother didn’t bring up the past.

so everything was going fine and we were talking about wedding numbers for an upcoming family wedding and she says ‘sure when DH and ‘Ex wives name’ got married…’ looked at me and then changed the subject then was laughing to herself about her obvious faux pas.

i made my excuses about having a headache and went on home to DH. He’s angry that she brought it up again and so am I. We live about 30 mins away from MIL so just young to give her a wide berth from now on. I feel a bit bad doing that but I feel like she’s nearly doing it deliberately now

AIBU?

OP posts:
PinkLemons99 · 21/10/2023 14:45

You sound over sensitive and a bit of a drama lama by leaving and pretending to have a headache just because MIL referred back to his ex wife. Your DH was married to someone else so there’s always going to be some history to reminisce over, so why do you want her to pretend otherwise? Is your ego really that fragile?

I’m DH’s third partner (2nd wife) with adult step children so it would be ridiculous to demand that no-one ever mentions their deceased mum’s name within my earshot. I’ve met the ex’s siblings and her father and attended his 90th birthday celebrations because they are a lovely family. Don’t forget that a dead person attains sainthood too, but it doesn’t matter.

It’s really no big deal unless you choose to make it into one. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Viviennemary · 21/10/2023 14:48

If it upsets you that much just don't see her.

happylittlesloth · 21/10/2023 14:52

I think the issue here now is not so much that she keeps mentioning them. That wouldn't be so bad if she hadn't been specifically asked not to! That's the major issue here. She's been asked not to and she's decided screw you.

SerafinasGoose · 21/10/2023 14:55

You sound over sensitive and a bit of a drama lama by leaving and pretending to have a headache just because MIL referred back to his ex wife.

No. 'Oversentitive' is always the 'attack is the best form of defence' disclaimer trotted out by (or in allegiance with) PA types: people who are trying to bully others but don't want anybody else recognising that they're bullies. It affords them plausible deniability. It is, IMO, craven cowardice.

I'm not buying this. OP, you shouldn't, either. As you know very well this isn't about your DH's exes. It's about your MiL putting you in her place. About her gleefully doing so.

Short of saying outright 'You're nothing if not predictable and repetitious: I'm leaving because I'm weary of your atrocious manners', OP did nothing wrong. Why sugar coat it? If you're deliberately absenting yourself in order to make a point, might as well make it and be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

She loathes you anyway; at least this way you might garner enough respect from her that she quits with her crap. At this juncture you have nothing at all to lose.

category12 · 21/10/2023 15:12

so everything was going fine and we were talking about wedding numbers for an upcoming family wedding and she says ‘sure when DH and ‘Ex wives name’ got married…’ looked at me and then changed the subject then was laughing to herself about her obvious faux pas.

Thing is, in context of talking about weddings - it should be perfectly fine to mention your son's wedding(s).

Obviously there's other things going on here, but it's not an affront to speak about past events and experiences.

OP can't really confront it directly, because it looks mad, and that's cos it is a bit mad.

Riv · 21/10/2023 15:14

I’d be practicing phrases like “How long ago was that again?” “The world has moved on in the last ten years or so “, “wow, you have a great memory for your age “ and “don’t you remember how that relationship ended?” (And maybe even mumble about her needing an assessment for memory loss)
but then I am told I can be a bit PA 🙄

PinkLemons99 · 21/10/2023 15:32

SerafinasGoose · 21/10/2023 14:55

You sound over sensitive and a bit of a drama lama by leaving and pretending to have a headache just because MIL referred back to his ex wife.

No. 'Oversentitive' is always the 'attack is the best form of defence' disclaimer trotted out by (or in allegiance with) PA types: people who are trying to bully others but don't want anybody else recognising that they're bullies. It affords them plausible deniability. It is, IMO, craven cowardice.

I'm not buying this. OP, you shouldn't, either. As you know very well this isn't about your DH's exes. It's about your MiL putting you in her place. About her gleefully doing so.

Short of saying outright 'You're nothing if not predictable and repetitious: I'm leaving because I'm weary of your atrocious manners', OP did nothing wrong. Why sugar coat it? If you're deliberately absenting yourself in order to make a point, might as well make it and be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

She loathes you anyway; at least this way you might garner enough respect from her that she quits with her crap. At this juncture you have nothing at all to lose.

Edited

Of course a discussion about a wedding is likely to include mention of previous family weddings. Why on earth wouldn’t it? I’m not seeing how this makes the MIL gleeful?

Have you considered getting some therapy for that overactive imagination of yours? 😳

DisquietintheRanks · 21/10/2023 15:32

It is a bit strange that it bothers you so much tbh But as it does, why not see less of her? The "leaving with a headache" thing is really odd though. Do you normally get headaches if someone so much as mentions your dh's ex? Thank fuck he didn't have kids with her then eh?

NotQuiteHere · 21/10/2023 15:35

Why does that upset you? It sounds like a silly question, but seriously why?

Your DH's life with his ex-wife is his past, do you accept that he had a life before you? Would it upset you if you MIL kept saying something like "When he was in primary school..." or "When he started his first job..."?

She might not be a pleasant person but mentioning his ex per se should not offend you.

xyz111 · 21/10/2023 15:35

She's doing it on purpose to get a reaction from you. The best thing is not to react whatsoever. Completely act like it doesn't bother you. Once she sees she can't get a reaction, she'll soon stop. How weird though!! What is wrong with some people 🤦🏻‍♀️

SerafinasGoose · 21/10/2023 15:46

PinkLemons99 · 21/10/2023 15:32

Of course a discussion about a wedding is likely to include mention of previous family weddings. Why on earth wouldn’t it? I’m not seeing how this makes the MIL gleeful?

Have you considered getting some therapy for that overactive imagination of yours? 😳

Show quote history

And, BINGO!

This is a distinctly amusing illustration of my point. Note the careful plausible deniability, 'attack is the best form of defence' style and tone of the above. This mirrors the behaviour of the MiL, and those who do it are well-versed in such behaviour. Hence the 'have you considered therapy?' response toward someone who challenges their nonsense. They have to attack: there must be something wrong with the person they are targeting. Because otherwise, their underhand passive aggressive nonsense would then become transparent, and then were would we be? Note the word 'imagination'. It deflects from the fact that someone's seen through the crap, if the blame for said crap can be deflected onto another person.

And also note - well it's a conversation about a wedding - of COURSE previous family weddings are going to get a mention! This completely avoids the bigger picture, that it's something the MiL is perpetually trotting out as her own bizarre form of putdown; that's it's a pattern of behaviour rather than merely the OP being neurotic and oversensitive.

QED.

The above post is actually hilarious, but doubtless it is not for the reason its author intends it to be ...

bombastix · 21/10/2023 15:47

@SerafinasGoose - no I too found it unintentionally funny and passive aggressive

SerafinasGoose · 21/10/2023 15:48

NB. I might even be talking to the actual MiL in this story in my post above!

potatoheads · 21/10/2023 15:48

cansu · 21/10/2023 11:08

It is quite difficult to erase a former dil from living memory. Maybe you should try thinking about the fact that your husband had another wife as just part of his history. I can't see why mentioning someone's name should be so upsetting tbh.

🙄

Nowherenew · 21/10/2023 15:49

YABU
You can’t erase the past.

My mum is similar that we’re not allowed to talk about the period my dad was with his ex.
Its a huge chunk of our lives and sometimes we want to take about it.

I would perhaps understand if this was a man who broke your heart and ran off with OW, but you’re with him and so I don’t understand why it upsets you to hear about his ex wife.

Your MIL should try not to bring it up but it sounds like she did as she immediately stopped talking.

Surely you and DH have discussed what you both had at your previous weddings and what you’d like to do differently/the same this time?

LadyBird1973 · 21/10/2023 15:51

It's very tactless to refer frequently to the ex wife, while in the presence of the actual wife. Am not a mil but my brother had an ex that he was with for a long time and has now been married to his wife for about 8 years. My family has all managed not to mention his ex to his wife, in all that time. It's really not hard!

As for thinking it's okay to talk about his first wedding to his fiancée, that's batshit crazy!

Nowherenew · 21/10/2023 15:52

NotQuiteHere · 21/10/2023 15:35

Why does that upset you? It sounds like a silly question, but seriously why?

Your DH's life with his ex-wife is his past, do you accept that he had a life before you? Would it upset you if you MIL kept saying something like "When he was in primary school..." or "When he started his first job..."?

She might not be a pleasant person but mentioning his ex per se should not offend you.

This!

I can’t understand why it would upset you at all.

I actually think it’s quite weird that it upsets you.

I’m glad he’s not a widow as it would be horrible to not be able to talk about his ex.

He wasn’t happy with her, but it is with you - so there’s no need for you to be jealous.

Nowherenew · 21/10/2023 15:52

I assume they don’t have kids else it would be impossible not to bring up the ex

Tighginn · 21/10/2023 15:53

Your already winning, he is supportive to you. I know how it feels to be on the otherside...

category12 · 21/10/2023 15:56

As for thinking it's okay to talk about his first wedding to his fiancée, that's batshit crazy!

But that's not what happened - Op is already married, the group were talking about someone else's upcoming wedding.

MummyJ36 · 21/10/2023 16:01

Most adults have a past and most adults accept this as part of life. It is very different if that past keeps getting constantly dragged up by a family member. I don’t think it’s over sensitive of OP to feel worn down by this, in fact I think it’s MIL who is being childish by referencing past partners and particularly past weddings in front of OP! It’s very different if step kids are involved and they’re talking about their mum/dad but when it’s a MIL there is definitely something else going on.

PinkLemons99 · 21/10/2023 16:24

SerafinasGoose · 21/10/2023 15:48

NB. I might even be talking to the actual MiL in this story in my post above!

I actually feel a bit sorry for you after reading your increasingly bizarre posts. You really are starting to sound quite deranged. Why are you so afraid of hearing someone else's name being mentioned in your presence?

Obviously, I'm not the MIL as I've already mentioned that my DH's ex wife is DEAD and I have zero issues with her being talked about when we're attending a family event.
I've even made friends with her family inc. her sister and father. There is absolutely nothing wrong with discussing former partners when chatting with family members who also share your husband's history, unless the ex was some kind of criminal sociopath.

The idea of insisting that family members join in the airbrushing of former partners out of existence just because your ego is so fragile, is ridiculous and akin to cancel culture.

Some posters really need to grow up.

LadyBird1973 · 21/10/2023 16:31

@category12 even if she's talking about someone else's wedding, it's really tactless to talk about her son's first wedding while in the presence of his 2nd wife. Yes, he has a past snd no one is pretending he doesn't but no one really wants to hear about the time their husband was really in love with someone else and what their wedding was like.
Even if there are women out there, who genuinely wouldn't mind hearing the details, the OP isn't one of them, mil's own son has told her to stop bringing up his ex and still she does it.

Northernparent68 · 21/10/2023 16:31

The way to silence her is to ask when she last saw the ex and repeat her answer, ie you last saw her 10 years ago

aSofaNearYou · 21/10/2023 16:36

*Obviously, I'm not the MIL as I've already mentioned that my DH's ex wife is DEAD and I have zero issues with her being talked about when we're attending a family event.
I've even made friends with her family inc. her sister and father. There is absolutely nothing wrong with discussing former partners when chatting with family members who also share your husband's history, unless the ex was some kind of criminal sociopath.

The idea of insisting that family members join in the airbrushing of former partners out of existence just because your ego is so fragile, is ridiculous and akin to cancel culture.*

I think there's an obvious difference between bringing up a widowers ex and bringing up a divorcees ex. When the person is divorced, it's probable they split up for some kind of acrimonious reason so it's just tactless to keep bringing up that person even when they've said they'd prefer not to talk about them. I don't think that's expecting "airbrushing", it's just showing basic tact. Yes it happens but the relevant people would prefer not to keep talking about it, so why insist?

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