Moving 35 mins from parents - bombarded with texts about taking my son from them

[housemoveproblems]

I wrote a thread previously about wanting to move away from my parents after stupidly moving closer to them out of guilt.

Thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4917078-desperately-want-to-move-but-parents-say-im-failing-son?postsby=housemoveproblems

We have taken the plunge and are moving to a much bigger house with an amazing garden for my little boy - all he ever wants to do is run around! And I need to set boundaries and have some space because it’s affecting our mental health & it’s been so toxic with them the past year.

We move next week and told them a week ago, I didn’t want to up and leave because I felt it would make the situation worse.

I received a message from my mum saying moving is not fair on my DC and that it’s me being selfish. She said if I move then she is done with me for good. I am so tired of it that I simply said ok and haven’t contacted her since.

I’m now receiving text messages from my step dad saying they want to see DC but if we are 30 minutes away it’s ‘impossible’ to have a relationship with him and if we move that’s on us and we need to make a decision as to whether we are ‘going to do that to them’.

I was feeling so at peace having not contacted them and now I’m just anxious and feeling guilty again.

I’ve blocked them on everything now but I’m now worrying that moving away is wrong and that I should just stick it out. But I want to protect our family.

Any advice?

Honestly, 35 minutes is nothing. My in-laws live over an hour away, have a lovely relationship with my girls.

This is the hardest bit - they feel you pulling away, so they will throw everything at you in the hope of weakening your resolve. You're not going to let that happen, your decision is made - so hold your nerve. Pace yourself; you don't have to read every text or listen to every message, you already know what's in them. Focus on your future and the positive change you are making.

I was feeling so at peace having not contacted them and now I’m just anxious and feeling guilty again.

Well fuck the guilt!! It is wholly inappropriate. Just get on with your life.

They are being controlling and absolutely ridiculous!

I lived literally on the other side of the world when my son was born and I didn't get any drama as a result!

You are 100% doing the right thing. Stand firm.

Christ. My parents live 4 hours from us and each set of in laws are about 3.5 hours from us. (Not out of choice by the way, military so constantly moving around). We get on with it. All the grandparents have a lovely relationship with our kids. The distance isn't necessarily a barrier, and half an hour is nothing!

Unless the 35 minutes is across shark infested waters they’re being ridiculous. My children all have close chatty independent and warm relationships with their grandparents and we’ve never lived nearer than two hours away, sometimes on different continents.
Why do you think they’re being so dramatic?

35 minutes is nothing. My brother lives In California - it's an 11 hour plane trip! Just ignore them and do what is best for you

If you need further incentive - just imagine how they will treat you going forward if their emotional blackmail works, and they manage to get you to back down. It's not an option!

You know this isn't normal, their behaviour is unhinged.

Move and get some healthy boundaries in place.

Stop doubting yourself.

Move. My grandparents lived in a different country and I had an amazing relationship with them.
Do yourself and your son a favour and protect him and move. 35mins is actually nothing and I would suggest several hours from them!

Blocking them sounds a bit extreme!
They are upset that they won't be able to see DS so easily - obviously they are being unreasonable, and it explains why you do need to move , but I do think blocking them is harsh, and makes you look as unreasonable as them.
You'll have to be the grown up here, ignore any hysterical messages but try to make sure that they do still get to see DS, and he them. They will get used to the new set-up but it may take a little time.

My parents live 3 hours away and have an amazing relationship with my kids.

My parents are an 11 hour drive away. They have a good relationship with their grandchildren. 30 mins is nothing and I think you know they are being absolutely ridiculous.

If they choose to end the relationship, that's totally their choice. Don't ever feel guilty for giving your son a better lifem

I don't think 35 minutes away is far enough to be honest.

Your previous two threads about this elicited lots of good advice and you were warned that you would get the Flying Monkeys coming to tell you how awful you were. The Mystery Illness will be next.

You are not being remotely unreasonable given how toxic your mother is. Move away and move on with your life.

My SIL lives six hours away. We have the loveliest relationship with all of her family, even her GC (our great nieces). You get from a relationship what you put in. 35 minutes would be no more that 20 miles where I live. It's nothing, especial for the quality of life it will give your son.

They are the selfish ones, not you. They are making your move about themselves, and 35 mins away is nothing, if they are too selfish to travel that far then their relationship with you all can’t be that important to them. They are just trying to control you.
Move away. They will either come around to the idea or they won’t. If they don’t it’s their loss.

You should have moved further away!

@DelphiniumBlue have you read OP’s other thread. They sound awful

I think they are being ridiculous. Is it 35 min by car but they don't drive? I mean would they actually get to you using whatever method of transportation they use in 35 minutes? Because sometimes a half an hour drive is 2 hours by public transport... not that it justifies their abuse! just curious.

Forgot to add, they are just guilt tripping you so you don't go.

Move, you won't regret it and eventually they'll come round to the idea. It's only 35 minutes if they don't drive, there are busses and taxis it's not like you've moved to Australia!

Oh god, the Mystery Illness phase. Mine claimed everything from heart palpitations to vaginal haemorrhage. Fit as a butcher's dog and never went near a doctor, as per other family members.

@DelphiniumBlue We are moving because of emotional abuse and threatening behaviour including threatening custody of my son, telling us they were going to make false allegations of neglect if we dare move and screaming in our faces that we are shit parents. That I am fat and nobody likes me, etc etc. I have had a very emotionally abusive childhood. So no, I don’t think blocking them is unreasonable. If you had read the previous thread you would know that.

Your are doing the right thing. Ignore them and carry on. You can do this, deep breath, screw up your courage and keep going.

Our families live 1 hour and 3 hours away respectively. I have rarely felt it was too far away. My children all have a good relationship with their grandparents. Your parents are being ridiculous. I don't remember your other threads but I suspect this move will be good for you if they are this suffocating.

They are pathetic if this is true. We live 6 hours from my parents. My children have a very close and loving relationship with them

Stay strong op. They are piling on the pressure because they know they are losing control of you.

Look forward to your new home. Stay NC with them.