Moving 35 mins from parents - bombarded with texts about taking my son from them

[housemoveproblems]

I wrote a thread previously about wanting to move away from my parents after stupidly moving closer to them out of guilt.

Thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4917078-desperately-want-to-move-but-parents-say-im-failing-son?postsby=housemoveproblems

We have taken the plunge and are moving to a much bigger house with an amazing garden for my little boy - all he ever wants to do is run around! And I need to set boundaries and have some space because it’s affecting our mental health & it’s been so toxic with them the past year.

We move next week and told them a week ago, I didn’t want to up and leave because I felt it would make the situation worse.

I received a message from my mum saying moving is not fair on my DC and that it’s me being selfish. She said if I move then she is done with me for good. I am so tired of it that I simply said ok and haven’t contacted her since.

I’m now receiving text messages from my step dad saying they want to see DC but if we are 30 minutes away it’s ‘impossible’ to have a relationship with him and if we move that’s on us and we need to make a decision as to whether we are ‘going to do that to them’.

I was feeling so at peace having not contacted them and now I’m just anxious and feeling guilty again.

I’ve blocked them on everything now but I’m now worrying that moving away is wrong and that I should just stick it out. But I want to protect our family.

Any advice?

They are clearly being ridiculous.
35mins is no distance.
If they think that is a barrier to having a relationship with their dgc, then that is 100% on them.
If they are this manipulative then perhaps you are better putting some distance between you. Not that 1/2 hour is what I would consider distance.

We are 2 hours from one set of grandparents and 45 minutes from another. Guess which set has the better relationship with the children?
Yep the ones further away. It’s not about distance it’s about effort. You need to move

35 minutes isn’t long to travel to see nice people.

But that’s not the point - the point is that these aren’t nice people and your life would probably be much better without them in it!

I haven’t read your other thread, but from your posts it sounds like you haven’t moved far enough away.

35 min is a perfectly normal distance for most (sane and loving)families. We used to live in the USA, my kids still had a good relationship with grandparents in the Uk.

Put boundaries in place now Op and break away from these people

Ps, prepare yourself for them to up the ante. They may start coming around to your house.

Do not give them your new address either.

Is it half term next week for you? Could they turn up at school? If so, tell the school.

They've just reinforced why you need to move further away from them by their response. Glad you blocked them. Arseholes.

Move.

And honestly if you can afford it get a therapist who can help you with boundaries.

I can envision her coming over 3 times a week and insisting on weekend sleepovers with your DS at hers.

If will be helpful to have a 3rd party valid her behaviour is abnormal

More importantly they can help you with strategies and tactics to manage you DM and step father because if you want to stay in contact you will need to heavily manage the situation.

My parents live three hours away. I have to stop my dad in his 70s driving there and back in the day as they want to see us often without 'the faff of staying' !

Sounds like 35 minutes isn't far enough away. Keep on blocking them and enjoy your new house

My parents are 35 mins away. I think it's unusual to be so close. They have a great relationship with dc.

Your family are unreasonable. As usual.

Print the replies off and send it to them.

Years ago it was usual to live near grandparents and aunties and uncles, sometimes in urban environments, entire families all living in one street.

But times have changed, people have to move because of house prices and jobs and of course transpired is better so there is no longer a barrier to travel to other places.

35 minutes is absolutely nothing in this day and age.

Your parents are being unreasonable to the extreme.

Their behaviour is all about them and how they feel and if they cannot be pleased that you are moving to a lovely new use with a big garden then they are diabolically unhinged and selfish.

How close did they live to their parents?

I've just read your other thread. The new house sounds so much better. Like most of the other posters, if anything 25 minutes seems a bit near. Your and your son deserve better than this.

35 minutes is nothing. I don't understand their problem. 🤷‍♀️

Do NOT give them your new address until you move or mention which moving company you're using/lettings agent etc. Just in case they decide to start cancelling things

30minutes??? My 4mile work commute takes longer someimes - Thing called cars, trains, buses marvellous devices
Bloody drama queens and guilt tripping parents you have

My mother lives 3hrs away so whilst we do not see her weekly we do long weekends every other month.
Relationships are not defined by the time spent with one another

All you can say is you are sorry that they cannot understand you are putting the long term health and happiness of your family first and if they do not want to see you then it's such a shame that they will never get to see your son run around his new garden. Make it clear you will always have space for them if and when they want to visit

@housemoveproblems

Keep them blocked on everything,packs your house up and move

Don't look back

They are creating a stink because they have lost control. Don't let them guilt you back to them.

It's outrageous and absolutely not normal or ok behaviour but as you e grown up in it your boundary lines with them are non existent

Keep
Going op

Accept the gift of no contact they have offered with both hands.
It will never get any better.

You don't need people who try to harm you like this in your life, painful as it is.
Go NC as they will try to manipulate your son next.

Please keep them blocked OP, contact with them isnt good for you or your kid.

Crikey. That's grounds to move to another continent let alone 35 minutes down the road.

You do realise they are most unlikely to stay out of touch? Be prepared for all manner of crap if you tell them where you have gone.

It’s a shame people haven’t read this, the thread is focused strongly on travel times instead of the actual issue. Your son should not be exposed to these abusers. You’ve been told about the script they do, the faking illnesses, etc. They’re all the same. Do not engage with abusers, or tell them anything about your life.

OP please, please for your child's sake as well as your own DO NOT LET THEM KNOW YOUR NEW ADDRESS.

Change your phone number or just block them.

Cut them out of your life absolutely and completely. They are toxic, abusive and deranged.

Save your child and yourself from them.

35 minutes is nothing. My parents are 20-30 minutes away depending on traffic and I see them weekly.

Im currently pregnant and on maternity leave I’ll probably try see them twice a week.

Id just ignore your mum for a while and let her get over herself. Im sure she’ll see sense and if not then tbh it sounds like she’s not a great person to be around either.

But you shouldn’t feel guilty about it, obviously harder said than done, but you’re doing the right thing for you and your family.

@housemoveproblems so you know you need to move ! You can’t stay .
Keep going you can do this

Good God, after reading through your previous post it is quite clear that your mother is abusive. To be honest, I'm quite surprised that you are only moving 35 minutes away, I'd have doubled the distance at the very least. As pp has said, do not give them your new address, if you do you will be allowing this situation to continue. Move, take this opportunity to cease all contact and most of all, be happy, it is most definitely her, not you!