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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving 35 mins from parents - bombarded with texts about taking my son from them

310 replies

housemoveproblems · 20/10/2023 17:18

I wrote a thread previously about wanting to move away from my parents after stupidly moving closer to them out of guilt.

Thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4917078-desperately-want-to-move-but-parents-say-im-failing-son?postsby=housemoveproblems

We have taken the plunge and are moving to a much bigger house with an amazing garden for my little boy - all he ever wants to do is run around! And I need to set boundaries and have some space because it’s affecting our mental health & it’s been so toxic with them the past year.

We move next week and told them a week ago, I didn’t want to up and leave because I felt it would make the situation worse.

I received a message from my mum saying moving is not fair on my DC and that it’s me being selfish. She said if I move then she is done with me for good. I am so tired of it that I simply said ok and haven’t contacted her since.

I’m now receiving text messages from my step dad saying they want to see DC but if we are 30 minutes away it’s ‘impossible’ to have a relationship with him and if we move that’s on us and we need to make a decision as to whether we are ‘going to do that to them’.

I was feeling so at peace having not contacted them and now I’m just anxious and feeling guilty again.

I’ve blocked them on everything now but I’m now worrying that moving away is wrong and that I should just stick it out. But I want to protect our family.

Any advice?

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https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4917078-desperately-want-to-move-but-parents-say-im-failing-son?postsby=housemoveproblems

OP posts:
Crabward · 20/10/2023 18:56

We were 'threatened' with thrm never being able to visit us if we moved a few hours away - I was delighted until they started turning up all the fecking time. We now live 5 hours away and its just the right balance for us. 35 mins would be way too close.

Deep breaths, allow the feelings of guilt to wash over you and then celebrate gaining a bit more distance from them!

Sproglette · 20/10/2023 18:58

@housemoveproblems do not give them your new address

Italiangreyhound · 20/10/2023 18:58

Move where you want. Live where you want. Please do not let your mum and step dad do this to your and your child.

Their petty behaviour would be a major reason why I would want to move.

Cowlover89 · 20/10/2023 19:00

YADNBU X

Towerofsong · 20/10/2023 19:02

My grandson lives 10 hours away door to door. It costs me money I don't have and much of my annual leave to build and maintain a relationship with him.

Your parents are lucky.

PurpleButterflyWings · 20/10/2023 19:03

Blimey they sound batshit. I would have moved to another continent if I were you! Sorry you are going through this @housemoveproblems Flowers

FWIW, my 2 adult DC (late 20s,) live 25 and 35 minutes drive away. Inexplicably, we still manage to have a good solid loving relationship with both of them. See them every fortnight I would say. They come to ours every 5-6 weeks and we go to theirs, every 2-3 weeks. (We go to theirs 2 times to their 1 time coming to ours.) It's OK though, they are very busy young full-time working professionals, and me and DH are both part time and not super busy. We have friends and hobbies, but more free time than our DC.

We talk with our DC on whatsapp most days, or twitter, or facebook, and we don't feel deprived of anything. Not gonna lie, it would be nice to have them 10-15 minutes walk down the road, like some people I know. But there is not much out here where we live in a rural area. Our village is 2 miles from the nearest main road, and the closest town is only a small market town. So they prefer to live in a city, with good transport links and employment opportunities. Don't blame them. I was exactly the same at that age!

They are really not that far away. If one of them needed us urgently/in an emergency, or we needed them, we could be with each other within half an hour!

DreamingofGinoclock · 20/10/2023 19:04

Haven't read through the thread but that's stupid (your mum/step dad) ...we live similar distance from in laws and they have a great relationship with kids and see them on average just under once a week!

And that's traveling from both us and in laws

itsmylife7 · 20/10/2023 19:09

Move and change you phone number OP.

You aren't the "helpless child " anymore YOU make the choices now.

Enjoy your new stress free life.

ShippingForecastMeditator · 20/10/2023 19:10

Even if they were the most perfect grandparents in the world this would be a ridiculous demand.

But they're abusers.

If you ever doubt you're doing the right thing OP, please remember that. Let your DC grow up free of that crap. Of course it feels hard now but if you doubt yourself again just remember you're giving him a gift that'll have a huge impact on his future feelings of self-worth and happiness. Your new place sounds perfect for him and you should be so proud of yourself for taking this difficult step. Wishing you all the best OP.

Therealjudgejudy · 20/10/2023 19:13

They sound totally toxic.

You are doing the right thing

Nanny0gg · 20/10/2023 19:17

housemoveproblems · 20/10/2023 17:30

@DelphiniumBlue We are moving because of emotional abuse and threatening behaviour including threatening custody of my son, telling us they were going to make false allegations of neglect if we dare move and screaming in our faces that we are shit parents. That I am fat and nobody likes me, etc etc. I have had a very emotionally abusive childhood. So no, I don’t think blocking them is unreasonable. If you had read the previous thread you would know that.

Make sure they stay blocked

Don't give them your new address

Your DC will thank you

chillipod · 20/10/2023 19:24

35 minutes is nothing, I drive about that to take my toddler to see my grandma once a week. Crazy behaviour from them!

Zoreos · 20/10/2023 19:24

You are absolutely doing the right thing. You don’t want your children growing up around their abuse because they clearly haven’t learned any lessons and sadly never will. People like that do not deserve a relationship with their children or grandchildren. Be free, be happy and protect those babies at all cost. You should be proud of yourself for being such a brave and good mother.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 20/10/2023 19:28

Break the cycle OP, don’t allow the cycle of abuse to continue towards your DC.

ErrolTheDragon · 20/10/2023 19:30

What nasty people. You and your DC will be much better off without them in your lives.

If they CBA to travel such a short amount of time it's clear they're not really interested in a 'relationship' with your DC, they're just wanting to be able to carry on abusing and manipulating you.

Of course when you have moved, assuming they know your whereabouts, they'll magically develop the ability to manage a 35 min journey, they'll just be vile about it.

Kitkatfiend31 · 20/10/2023 19:31

DelphiniumBlue · 20/10/2023 17:26

Blocking them sounds a bit extreme!
They are upset that they won't be able to see DS so easily - obviously they are being unreasonable, and it explains why you do need to move , but I do think blocking them is harsh, and makes you look as unreasonable as them.
You'll have to be the grown up here, ignore any hysterical messages but try to make sure that they do still get to see DS, and he them. They will get used to the new set-up but it may take a little time.

It doesn't sound extreme to me. They are only thinking of themselves. Not you or your son. 30 mins is nothing to worry about. As many posters gave said my dc have great relationships with gps who are 3 or 4 hours away. Ignore them. They just don't like you being independent and not following their wishes.

Fingeronthebutton · 20/10/2023 19:32

Because of family problems recently I’ve been reading reams of information about Narcissists.
I think you might find information that you need. Please stay strong ( I know from personal experience how difficult that is) but for your sanity and your families happiness you must cut contact with them.

Fingeronthebutton · 20/10/2023 19:34

DelphiniumBlue
The grandparents don’t care for their daughter or grandson, they just want control. Now they see that they’re loosing that control they’re ramping up the nastiness.

gamerchick · 20/10/2023 19:35

It tells you that you're making the right choice OP. You're miserable being close to them. Take this chance to be happy. If they choose not to have a relationship with you, then tbh it sounds more of a blessing than anything else.

Good luck. You're doing the right thing.

Redglitter · 20/10/2023 19:35

35 mins? That's nothing. My brother has lived about 35/40 away from my parents since he got married. My Mum has an incredibly close bond with her grand daughters. When my Dad was alive & the girls were little they regularly went down & took them out for an afternoon or dinner etc.

If your parents think being 35 mins away is going to negatively impact their relationship with their GC then than says a lot about them

Olika · 20/10/2023 19:35

As everybody was advising you in your previous thread, you are doing the right thing to move more further from this toxicity. Just ignore what they are saying, they don't give a shit about you as they clearly told you previously. Concentrate on your own family of three and what is good for three of you.

Anononony · 20/10/2023 19:38

Your parents are being absolutely ridiculous! We used to live a 20-25 min drive away and had dinner every week, my parents would occasionally pick my son up from nursery for the afternoon, occasional pop in for a cuppa throughout the week.

We moved 4 hours away (through necessity and a lucky find it just happened to be miles away) and though they were gutted they've never guilted me or let it affect our relationship/their relationship with my kids (my eldest turned 5 the day before we moved, my youngest hadn't been born). We video call fairly regularly, we visit every few months (more when Im doing well and can afford the fuel) and they come here in between when my dad is well enough, my mum dropped everything and drove across the country when I went into labour with my youngest. When they come to stay they leave early enough that they can pick them up from school just like before.

I'd love to be 30 minutes away again! Unfortunately we've been completely priced out of the area :( (I also love where we live now, I would only be going back if I could because of family ties)

RubiesAndRaindrops · 20/10/2023 19:41

They're being ridiculous. I live a 40 minute drive from my parents & they used to visit us once a week. Now they are much older/my Dad's given up driving because he realised he was making silly mistakes/not safe to drive I go to them fortnightly and if we meet somewhere else they take the bus. When we lived 2 hours drive away it was once a month. If they really wanted to see him they'd find a way to make it happen, it's BS. That being said, it sounds like you & your son would be much better off with them out of your lives, so embrace it I say! Ignore, ignore, ignore!

ShouldGoToBed · 20/10/2023 19:45

oh Well done for organising the move!! Stay strong and don’t let them break you down. They are crazy, you’re doing the right thing. Block them both.