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AIBU?

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Original poster

Moving 35 mins from parents - bombarded with texts about taking my son from them

310 replies

housemoveproblems · 20/10/2023 17:18

I wrote a thread previously about wanting to move away from my parents after stupidly moving closer to them out of guilt.

Thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4917078-desperately-want-to-move-but-parents-say-im-failing-son?postsby=housemoveproblems

We have taken the plunge and are moving to a much bigger house with an amazing garden for my little boy - all he ever wants to do is run around! And I need to set boundaries and have some space because it’s affecting our mental health & it’s been so toxic with them the past year.

We move next week and told them a week ago, I didn’t want to up and leave because I felt it would make the situation worse.

I received a message from my mum saying moving is not fair on my DC and that it’s me being selfish. She said if I move then she is done with me for good. I am so tired of it that I simply said ok and haven’t contacted her since.

I’m now receiving text messages from my step dad saying they want to see DC but if we are 30 minutes away it’s ‘impossible’ to have a relationship with him and if we move that’s on us and we need to make a decision as to whether we are ‘going to do that to them’.

I was feeling so at peace having not contacted them and now I’m just anxious and feeling guilty again.

I’ve blocked them on everything now but I’m now worrying that moving away is wrong and that I should just stick it out. But I want to protect our family.

Any advice?

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https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4917078-desperately-want-to-move-but-parents-say-im-failing-son?postsby=housemoveproblems

OP posts:
THEDEACON · 22/10/2023 12:48

They are proving again that you have made the right decision for you your child and your partner Ditch the guilt and enjoy your life!

DD1963 · 22/10/2023 13:29

Just wondering what your relationship is like with your parents outside of this issue. It sounds like communication might be difficult especially as you had not mentioned moving until a week before you are ready to go. Perhaps trying to sit down with them face to face to explain your reasons for moving and set expectations might help. Blocking them does sound a bit extreme. The difficulty is once both sides become entrenched in their stance neither side will want to back down. Sometimes we have to decide if we are going to 'be the bigger person' in an effort to avoid conflict or make the decision to take a stance to preserve our mental health, only you will know which of the two are most important for you.

widowtocricket · 22/10/2023 13:41

i think you need to look at the facts here.
You left home at 18 because of their toxic behaviour.

They manipulated you to move closer to them which you did. A year later you & your family are suffering because of their behaviour.

You making a good choice for yourselves to move to a bigger property in a cheaper area. This will be better for you all overall.

The things they have said to you about your weight, trying to take custody of your son etc are so shocking I wouldn’t blame you for never speaking to them again.

loads of children live miles from their extended family. My sister lives aboard & the relationship between us & her son is brilliant. They are just using that as an excuse to manipulate you further. Stay strong in your decision to protect yourself & your family from this toxic behaviour & enjoy the life you deserve.

SnowdaySewday · 22/10/2023 15:14

There is an old saying that you should live far enough away to need to put your hat on (ie can’t pop in) but not so far that you/ they need to stay over.

35 minutes sounds fine.

Ifeelsuchafool · 22/10/2023 15:36

I'm presently in the middle of a seven hour journey to see my dgc. Tell them to grow up. I get to see my babies around four times a year!

BatShitCrazyGran · 22/10/2023 16:36

My only daughter and my only grandchild moved about 30 mins away from me with her long term partner. It was a great move for them, housing and job wise. I am disabled and can only get to them by taxi….. it costs me £50 a time,but do you know what,I am happy for them because they are in a much better place all round. Yes,I could move closer to them,but it would be a huge upheaval for me.
We keep in touch by phone etc,and I visit as much as I can. I told my daughter never to let me be the reason to hold them back from moving anywhere,they have to do what’s best for them,and I will always find the way to visit them.
Op,your Mam and step dad sound horribly selfish and abusive. Enjoy your new home,and build your life around your little boy and partner. If your Mam and stepdad want to behave so atrociously,they can do it to someone else. Block and delete, and if they think anything of you and your little boy,they will get in touch somehow and apologise. Good Luck in your new home!! X

Eveeythingoknotok · 22/10/2023 23:54

Move, be happy, one thing I will always remember my psychologist saying to me is just because she is your mother you don't have to have a relationship with her. Also it's 35 minutes away quite doable to have a relationship with their grandchild but this is not the issue. The issue is they want control. Don't let them have it. Go where your son will be most happy, that will then mean you and your husband are happy, and yes block them if they continue to talk to you in this manner for your own health and we'll being. Tell them both they are quite welcome to visit and it's up to them.

NamaraMc · 23/10/2023 08:56

Well if their relationship with you is anything to go by, you are doing your kid an absolute solid getting him to where they feel they can't have a relationship with him.

Heidi0307a12 · 23/10/2023 13:32

So let me get this straight... the new house is 30 minutes away? For gods sake, its not like you've moved hundreds of miles away! You've done nothing wrong at all and certainly shouldn't feel guilty for putting your child's future first! I'd say it's your parents being selfish for wanting you to stay put!!!

Weonlyhavealoanofit · 23/10/2023 15:55

This isn't about moving 30 mins away, thats a distraction, this is about your very abusive parents wanting to maintain power over you. Go to a solicitor and have your concerns noted, show them all the text messages etc and block your parents, do not yield. Your parents are bullies who want power over you. It’s very toxic and much more common than you think. They are bullies who probably have never been confronted and see themselves as all powerful. There is something very wrong with their treatment of you and until they recognise it, nothing will change. Protect yourself and get on with being a loving Mum. Your parents have crossed a line, they are toxic. Don’t feel guilty about any of these things, easier said than done, I know, but be objective and be confident in your decision making. Your parents are not wanting love, they want power. Power over you and power over your family. Be the best parent you can be, you have your own family to care for, trying to please the excessive demands of narcissistic parents is a waste of time and energy. You need safe boundaries not abuse. You didn't choose your parents but you can choose how to live your life, and the role model you want to be for others.

newnameforanewday · 23/10/2023 21:46

My mum lives 2 hours away and has an amazing relationship with my kids. Until they went to school she drove to see them weekly. It's about effort. 35 minutes is nothing.

They are making you feel guilty and trying to control you.

Original poster
housemoveproblems · 30/10/2023 19:05

Update: We have moved, still getting unpacked and settling in but it is so lovely and peaceful and my son can’t get enough of the garden. There’s a stables at the bottom of it and the horses have popped to see him every day so far which he loves.

Haven’t spoken to my parents and they don’t have my address.

Very peaceful.

OP posts:
Vermin · 30/10/2023 19:07

Oh wow that was fast! Congratulations and enjoy your new four legged neigh-bours

Sallyh87 · 30/10/2023 19:11

Well done 👍

Milliemoo6 · 30/10/2023 19:14

Congrats OP

Coldinscotland · 30/10/2023 19:15

Horses are a very decent alternative to knob relatives....

1990thatsme · 30/10/2023 19:16

Congratulations OP - well done. Stay strong and enjoy your new life without those knobbers.

WowOK · 30/10/2023 19:20

housemoveproblems · 30/10/2023 19:05

Update: We have moved, still getting unpacked and settling in but it is so lovely and peaceful and my son can’t get enough of the garden. There’s a stables at the bottom of it and the horses have popped to see him every day so far which he loves.

Haven’t spoken to my parents and they don’t have my address.

Very peaceful.

That's great news. Stay strong and NC.

billy1966 · 30/10/2023 19:26

Congratulations.

Sounds wonderful.

Enjoy the peace.

BMW6 · 30/10/2023 19:39

Fantastic news OP, how lovely for your child !

Wishing you all the very best 👌

HamBone · 30/10/2023 19:55

Good for you, OP, your new home sounds lovely!

gamerchick · 30/10/2023 20:16

Excellent OP, so glad to read this.

They're going to try any way possible to get your address. It's a treasured secret. It's the only way you're going to get any peace.

Hope you have a lovely calm life.

Jacesmum1977 · 30/10/2023 20:19

Good for you OP.
Enjoy your lovely new home, garden, horses and peace

PinkflowersWhiteBerries · 30/10/2023 20:22

Enjoy your lovely new home . Be Happy 💐

Whatifitallgoesright · 30/10/2023 20:29

Brilliant news. And horses at the bottom of the garden - my dream. Enjoy yourselves and well done for disentangling yourselves. Keep those boundaries firm.