Moving 35 mins from parents - bombarded with texts about taking my son from them

[housemoveproblems]

I wrote a thread previously about wanting to move away from my parents after stupidly moving closer to them out of guilt.

Thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4917078-desperately-want-to-move-but-parents-say-im-failing-son?postsby=housemoveproblems

We have taken the plunge and are moving to a much bigger house with an amazing garden for my little boy - all he ever wants to do is run around! And I need to set boundaries and have some space because it’s affecting our mental health & it’s been so toxic with them the past year.

We move next week and told them a week ago, I didn’t want to up and leave because I felt it would make the situation worse.

I received a message from my mum saying moving is not fair on my DC and that it’s me being selfish. She said if I move then she is done with me for good. I am so tired of it that I simply said ok and haven’t contacted her since.

I’m now receiving text messages from my step dad saying they want to see DC but if we are 30 minutes away it’s ‘impossible’ to have a relationship with him and if we move that’s on us and we need to make a decision as to whether we are ‘going to do that to them’.

I was feeling so at peace having not contacted them and now I’m just anxious and feeling guilty again.

I’ve blocked them on everything now but I’m now worrying that moving away is wrong and that I should just stick it out. But I want to protect our family.

Any advice?

35 minutes is not far away at all. They need to get a serious grip.

Jeez. Block them on everything and don't see them again.

I said yabu because not for one hot second would I be worrying about your decision to move.

I would be as far away from them as I possibly could be.

They are toxic and abusive and gaslighting. They don't deserve access to your son when their behaviour is so inappropriate and upsetting to both him and you. He deserves his mummy to be happy and at peace- happy mummy happy baby. So even if nothing else, you putting your needs first in this situation IS you putting his needs first. If you have more headspace, that's more emotional bandwidth you have for him and your partner.

Your parents have consistently proven they cannot be trusted to be accountable for themselves and how they act. You can't control what they do or how they are , all you can control is how you respond to it. And it sounds like you have a wonderful opportunity here for a fresh start, for some strong boundaries and a happier and healthier life for your wee family.

You never ever need to apologise or feel guilty for putting your family first. What you are actually doing, is breaking the cycle of trauma by choosing to parent in a healthy, loving way that meets your child's needs. And that's incredible.

I'd get some support for yourself because these decisions don't come lightly, you've been conditioned to think for a long time that you are responsible for your parents emotions and reactions (which you are not) and that's why you're worrying about this. I'd go for counselling personally to really make the most of this fresh start and to make sure you're keeping yourself emotionally strong and resilient so you're able to hold those boundaries with your parents. When you're happy and settled, you might feel like you should open contact with them again and somewhere you can work through those feelings would be good if they do crop up. It's like an abusive relationship, leaving and not returning is hard to do and they will make the most of any small opening you give them to guilt and manipulate you. You deserve to be happy and you deserve better than this from your parents. You're doing the right, but hard thing and that shows you're an amazing mummy.

i wish my kids lived 30 minutes away - well one does- the others are much further. your parents sound deranged/toxic. stand firm

@housemoveproblems

There are no words strong enough to stress how RIGHT you are, both to move AND to block them !!!!

I suggest that you keep any written/texted communications from your parents in a 'safe' location on your computer/phone just in case they try to pull any shenanigans. And to alert any schools/nurseries/daycare providers/friends that your parent are NOT to be allowed to pick up your child nor have any access to him. Chances are they're all bluster but better safe than sorry.

They've had their chances and they've proven how unworthy they are of any contact with you and your little family. Cut them out of your life totally. And remember, you owe them (and any flying monkeys) no explanations for doing so.

They are toxic and you need to get your child away from them. You and your child need to go NC and stay NC.

Well done for ignoring them and deceiding to move Op. Now keep your address a secret, block them on your phone and social media and go away and have a better life. If your parents say they'll cut you off if you move then that's perfect, thing is they won't be able to do it, they're too used to abusing you. Keep all their nasty messages incase you need them for later and be very, very careful who you give your new address too, some people just can't accept someone else cutting off their parents and will go behind your back

I received a message from my mum saying moving is not fair on my DC and that it’s me being selfish. She said if I move then she is done with me for good. I am so tired of it that I simply said ok and haven’t contacted her since.

Well done you! That was EXACTLY the right thing to do. You know it’s working because now your step-dad is the flying monkey sent to deliver your mum’s words.

But you’ve blocked him! So bloody well done again.

Anyone who says they can’t have a relationship if they’re 30 minutes away is batshit. But let’s hope they’re right, because it would be the best thing all round.

Your mum sounds awful. I think you sound like a great mum, on the other hand. So well done! Keep going!

Hope the move goes smoothly.

Honestly given what you've said in both threads, why did you even tell them you were moving? The less they're a part of your life, the better.

And do NOT invite them to see your new home.

My DD lives further away than that and I amazingly manage to look after my GCs once a week!

I am so delighted to read you are doing the right thing for your child, your family and yourself.

You are really to be commended for being so brave as to take action and actually moving away from these toxic people.

Your family are absolute horrors.

You tried to make it work but anyone who threatens you the way they have are just toxic.

I wouldn't allow people like that near a cat, if I had a cat, not to mind my beyond precious children.

You are a wonderful kind loving mother and a decent good person, despite your abusive rearing.

Of course you are so used to putting everyone before you, you are doubting yourself.

Please don't doubt yourself.

Your new home sounds so wonderful.

More space with a larger garden for your child.

Keep them blocked.

Please do not give them your address.

This is your chance for priceless peace.

So many posters write of the absolutely transformative affect of PEACE in their lives when they permanently block their toxic families.

You and your family deserve this peace.

You really do not need abusive people in your life.

No one does.
Life is so short and precious, don't waste yours with people who haven't the capacity for decency or kindness.

Enjoy your new home.

Keep posting.
We are here for you.

be very, very careful who you give your new address too, some people just can't accept someone else cutting off their parents and will go behind your back

Good point. A PO Box for a year is under £400 and allows you to give family an address for parcels, Xmas cards, etc that people can't just turn up to.

They’ve trained you to feel guilty. Without them in your life, you’ll now have time and space to heal and reverse the impact of their behaviour. Enjoy your lovely new home and abuse free life!

I would say by reading your thread that even 30minutes is far too close.

good for you for making the move and also for blocking them, you don’t need that toxic shit in your life.

feel no guilt and feel proud for protecting yourself and your child from these people.

do not let them know your new address .

35 minutes is close
My parents drove 2hours to see us and we visa versa.
There was never an issue with this.

Move, enjoy your new life.

Absolutely yes.

Flying monkeys.

Dramatic illness.

More drama.

Even more drama.

Keep them blocked.

sounds like your M is the one being selfish

She said if I move then she is done with me for good. I am so tired of it that I simply said ok and haven’t contacted her since.

Well done. Keep her blocked.

I’m now receiving text messages from my step dad

Block him as well

saying they want to see DC but if we are 30 minutes away it’s ‘impossible’ to have a relationship with him and if we move that’s on us and we need to make a decision as to whether we are ‘going to do that to them’.

Before you block him tell him that you have already made your decision and you're not going to change it.

Why on earth should you feel any sort of guilt? Do you think your mother feels any guilt at what happened in your childhood, because I don't. It's still all about her and nothing about you or your son.

And if I were you I'd have been moving a lot futher away and making sure they never saw your son again. Protect him by not exposing him to them and don't fall into the trap of thinking that a relationship with abusive grandparents is better than having no grandparents in his life.

So, all this being the case, why are you doubting yourself? Fear, obligation and guilt. 3 useless emotions.

She said if I move then she is done with me for good.

Problem solved.

This is just them wanting to show that they have control over you and your family. As you grew up in an abusive situation, it is hard to distinguish what is normal and not in relation to your parents perhaps.

I live 9000km away from my parents, but I have a great and loving relationship with them. When they visit the come for a prolonged time and my child really enjoys to spend time with them. Relationships are built by quality time not quantity.

Mind you, in the village I was born and raised it is not normal for youngsters to move away. So we got a lot of feedback from villagers but never from my own parents. They should back you up not tore you down

How about Sorry you are being a knob... Then refuse to discuss again.

Save all the messages etc they send.

Block them.

Never contact them again.

Your child will recieve NO benefit from contact with these people - do you want them to do to your DC what they have done to you? No.

So move. Leave them to fester in their own poisonous little lives. Go and enjoy yours!

Move and don't let them know your new address.

They will probably report you to social services, make phone calls to your sons school - explain the situation to whoever needs to know.

I'm sorry you have horrible and unsupportive parents, it's a horrible situation to be in, but you can get through it.