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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do kids trump dogs?

207 replies

GloriousCats · 19/10/2023 19:00

My sister has no children but has a dog (Staffordshire terrier and a pretty solid big version of that) which she dotes on. I have two children (7 and 5 years) the younger of which is completely phobic of dogs and gets very upset and panicky around them. This is especially the case with my sister’s dog as it’s very solidly built, has a habit of jumping up and has knocked him down a couple of times. My parents and my sister refuse to ‘pander’ to my child’s fears and believe the dog has equal rights to run around free etc during family visits. My mother has said for example that the dog is as much her grandchild as my two children and if I can’t get on board with that then I should take the kids and leave. Am I mental or is this properly crazy? To be clear my thoughts are that my sister should either leave her dog at home during family get togethers or shut her in another room for the couple of hours we’re there, to avoid my child screaming, crying and panicking. And yes I am aware this is phobic behaviour from him and I am working on slowly getting him used to being around dogs - but I am also aware putting him in terrifying situations off the bat will just make his phobia grow.

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 19/10/2023 20:15

Children first.

I'd be going very low contact if my family behaved like this.

StarDolphins · 19/10/2023 20:16

Depends where the family get together are? At your house, your rules & she should leave the dog at home. At your sisters or mums, their rules & you have a choice to go or not go.

My house, my dog is an equal part of the family & he comes first before visitors/wider family. I love him just as much as my DD but In a different way.

LylaLee · 19/10/2023 20:17

A dog will be around for ten years max, children will outlive you (touch wood).

A child can love you. A dog is happy you keep giving it food.

A child will become a complex adult. A dog will never stop licking it's privates and relieving itself on the ground for you to clean daily.

They are not the same.

SemperIdem · 19/10/2023 20:17

Yes of course a child comes before a dog!

Acknowledging your child’s fear and encouraging controlled,safe feeling encounters with your sisters dog would be one thing.

Totally ignoring and allowing your sisters dog to run about happy as larry whilst your child is terrified is bloody awful!

I’m afraid of spiders and would never speak to someone again if they actively put me in situations where a spider would say, run up my arm.

I like dogs, own one. But fully understand that some people don’t like them, and some people are actively afraid. It doesn’t matter that I love my dog. And as much as I like dogs, I’ve had a few encounters with dogs (not my own) that have made me fearful in the moment.

Goldbar · 19/10/2023 20:17

People who love their dogs would keep them safe by keeping them away from unpredictable children who (through fear or otherwise) might behave unwisely around them. It only takes one incident and it's a disaster for both dog and child.

miserablebitch · 19/10/2023 20:18

Floralnomad · 19/10/2023 19:10

I think this is likely more about your mum thinking that you should do more to sort out your child’s issues with dogs .

You are probably right, but anyone (OP’s family) with half a brain should realise that the dog jumping up and knocking the OP’s DS down isn’t going to help matters and will only make things worse.

@GloriousCats Your parents are crazy and frankly disgusting to even consider that a dog is anywhere near as important as their grandchildren. Doesn’t seem like they care about seeing your DC’S, when they say if you’re not happy, you should take your kids and leave. In your situation, I would do exactly that and I wouldn’t go back. I honestly would go low or no contact with them all.

PenguinRainbows · 19/10/2023 20:19

Of course kids trump dogs. After those comments and that behaviour she would not be seeing my kids again.

Dunnoburt · 19/10/2023 20:19

Simply don't go round..... end of.... their loss ..... sorry for you OP xx

paintingvenice · 19/10/2023 20:19

Invite your mum to do stuff with you and your kids, but if your mum is organising something for the whole family and your sister views her dog as her family then I think it’s up to you to miss out as you are the one with the problem not her. You can’t dictate who your mum invites to family gatherings- it’s your choice whether you attend or not.

LylaLee · 19/10/2023 20:21

Dunnoburt · 19/10/2023 20:19

Simply don't go round..... end of.... their loss ..... sorry for you OP xx

Boo hoo, no one visits me. My grandchildren are so distant! So mysterious.

Nosleepforthismum · 19/10/2023 20:21

This is sad to read. I’d always put my dog away if any visiting kids were a little nervous. Having said that, she’s a rescue and can be very needy and jumpy so I’m very aware she’s a bit much if you are not used to dogs. I often get visitors, like my three year old niece, to give the dog a present (a bone) when they visit and I’ll let her have it in another room with the door closed so we can relax but dog is also happy. Something like this might help but obviously your sister would need to be on board.

cartagenagina · 19/10/2023 20:22

It’s a tricky one really. If your mum wants the dog there, your choices are to not attend those particular events, to ask if the dog can be kept separate, or to address your child’s phobia.

usernother · 19/10/2023 20:22

Humans come before animals. Your mum has made her choice. I wouldn't take my child to her house if your sister is unwilling to control her dog and her not even shutting the dog in another room is really selfish. She sounds horrible.

FairFuming · 19/10/2023 20:23

My daughter can be a bit nervous about dogs despite being around my parents one often (also a staffy) she is mostly ok with her now but really struggles with big dogs barking but that's more of a sensory issue as she struggles with all loud noises. She knows she doesn't have to go near a dog if she doesn't want too and if one comes near her I try my hardest to get in the way so it stops before going right up to her and then it's her choice if she engages with the dog. This has helped a lot. We also dog sat for a neighbours dog (also a staffy) she was asked before hand if this was OK and agreed she wanted to and that has pretty much cured all nervousness. She's almost 7 though and I think a lot of the progress was helped by her age and understanding.
Your mother and sister are being unreasonable. They are putting the dog at risk too as they are more likely to react or accidentally nip a child if they are crying or screaming and running away and that could result badly for the dog that is so important to them. Maybe try talking to them along those lines and they might actually see that solving the issue is more important then blaming the child.

Dunnoburt · 19/10/2023 20:24

@LylaLee yup.... we all make our beds.... sad you can't see the issue OP has.

LylaLee · 19/10/2023 20:25

Dunnoburt · 19/10/2023 20:24

@LylaLee yup.... we all make our beds.... sad you can't see the issue OP has.

What I mean is that in a few years, the grandma will have no relationship with her grandchildren and THE GRANDMA will regret it.

Fishandchipsatthebeach · 19/10/2023 20:26

My mother has said for example that the dog is as much her grandchild as my two children and if I can’t get on board with that then I should take the kids and leave

This is awful. Your mum is nuts.

Dunnoburt · 19/10/2023 20:28

@LylaLee so sorry hun I thought you were being sarcastic xx agreed....a dog can't look after you or even "understand" you... its very sad....a dog should be a dog and not a human substitute.......

AGAbaker · 19/10/2023 20:29

How ridiculous. Of course children trump bloody dogs.

DelightfullyDotty · 19/10/2023 20:30

I think it’s pretty normal to be frightened of a dog that’s stocky and must seem huge to your child. I adore dogs but I’m still very wary of any that might hurt me.

I love my dogs, they sleep on my bed and I really worry when they’re ill but it doesn’t compare to how I feel about my children. Your family are cruel.

404usernotfound · 19/10/2023 20:30

Who are the 16% of people who think YABU?

That is a horrendous attitude from your mother. In your position I don’t think I would ever want to see either of them again.

ActDottie · 19/10/2023 20:31

I think you need to work on your child’s phobia.

The dog is family to your sister and mum so if you have a family get together the dog will be there. I can’t imagine leaving my dogs out of things or my kids.

404usernotfound · 19/10/2023 20:33

StarDolphins · 19/10/2023 20:16

Depends where the family get together are? At your house, your rules & she should leave the dog at home. At your sisters or mums, their rules & you have a choice to go or not go.

My house, my dog is an equal part of the family & he comes first before visitors/wider family. I love him just as much as my DD but In a different way.

Edited

I think I found them.

You love your dog as much as your child? Seriously? That is deeply disturbing.

phoenixrosehere · 19/10/2023 20:34

I would just not visit when your mum is hosting. It’s not a phobia when the dog has jumped and knocked over your child several times. Add in family not only ignoring this but thinking your child needs to get over it and put themselves in a position of it happening again, is crazy. Your mother has shown you she cares more about a dog and your sister’s feelings than your child who rightly has a fear because your sister couldn’t be bothered to teach her dog not to jump on people which is the bare minimum.

If it causes a rift, so be it, your child’s wellbeing and safety come first.

Coldinscotland · 19/10/2023 20:36

Sponsor a ddog. Talk to ds about 'his' ddog. Get a soft toy ddog. Talk about how ddogs have doggy and human friends. What ddogs love. How to care about a ddog. Read books about them and watch films. Lots of positivity about ddogs! Any ddogs you pass daily? I have 2 very sweet ddogs.. On a walk last summer a little girl started crying walking past. Within literally minutes she was talking to me and the ddogs. And actually touched one. Her dm was in tears. Very quick simple walk changed her thinking...