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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do kids trump dogs?

207 replies

GloriousCats · 19/10/2023 19:00

My sister has no children but has a dog (Staffordshire terrier and a pretty solid big version of that) which she dotes on. I have two children (7 and 5 years) the younger of which is completely phobic of dogs and gets very upset and panicky around them. This is especially the case with my sister’s dog as it’s very solidly built, has a habit of jumping up and has knocked him down a couple of times. My parents and my sister refuse to ‘pander’ to my child’s fears and believe the dog has equal rights to run around free etc during family visits. My mother has said for example that the dog is as much her grandchild as my two children and if I can’t get on board with that then I should take the kids and leave. Am I mental or is this properly crazy? To be clear my thoughts are that my sister should either leave her dog at home during family get togethers or shut her in another room for the couple of hours we’re there, to avoid my child screaming, crying and panicking. And yes I am aware this is phobic behaviour from him and I am working on slowly getting him used to being around dogs - but I am also aware putting him in terrifying situations off the bat will just make his phobia grow.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 19/10/2023 19:42

Dramatic · 19/10/2023 19:04

This is absolutely crazy, the fact she said a dog was equal to her grandchildren is some mad shit.

It's not even equal, the dog is clearly the preference and priority

Georgeandzippyzoo · 19/10/2023 19:42

We have a large boisterous dog (3yrs old) he is not allowed to jump at people as he would easily knock over even an older child, older person. If he gets too excited he is on his harness /lead and/or removed from the room.

I do get that your DM may think your child is over reacting but let's be truthful if they're afraid of dogs having one jumping up even in a friendly manner is not going to help the situation.
I love our dog but even in our home he doesn't get to be disruptive with us or guests.

Fahbeep · 19/10/2023 19:43

Your mum and sister are wrong. I know there is a fashion to pretend that pet dogs are family members. But they're not, they're dogs. Your son is a family member though, and your mum and sister seem quite strange and selfish to me. I'm actually upset for you that they think it's okay to mistreat your child. I cannot imagine the basis on which they think it is okay to expose him to an animal that frightens him every time. I'm sorry OP but tell your mum you won't be coming back unless they take it seriously and the dog stays at your sister's house when you are coming. The issue isn't your son's fear of dogs. It's your mum and sister's callous behaviour.

momonpurpose · 19/10/2023 19:44

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 19/10/2023 19:05

Your sister is the favourite child, yes?

You need to distance yourself from these people. If they can’t respect a child’s phobia then there’s no hope.

This. I adore my dog however he makes mbneice nervous because of his bark. Beagle. So I put him outside when she's over. Kids first always. Your mother sounds nuts

Janiie · 19/10/2023 19:45

sleepyscientist · 19/10/2023 19:38

We are the dog is part of the family and is an equal. But I still don't agree with your mums approach to tackling the fear.

I would start with bribery so hey you want that toy? What about you take buster for a walk, or you want some sweets give buster a pet 1st. The don't be stupid tactic doesn't work until they are old enough to be embarrassed.

When you go over let the dog have freedom of the house bar a safe space for DC such as upstairs or a old playpen that he can escape to and come back when he's calmed down. As a dog lover if I even fake cry the dogs will come running and look to kiss us to try and comfort us so making a drama will be drawing the dog to him.

DS had a fear of heights so we booked a high ropes course with a very desired reward he was after at the end he did it and now goes on the high ropes for fun.

They aren't equals though, they are pets.

I also disagree with your idea of letting the dog have free run of the house barring a safe space for her dc or a playpen? A playpen for the dog do you mean?

Kids come first, their safety their wellbeing. Responsible dog owners know this and a dog should be kept away from a dc until the dc is happy and relaxed.

Op is your dsis childfree out of choice? Im just thinking your mother may be overcompensating with the 'the dog is a grandchild' crap to appease her?

RandomQuestionOfTheDay · 19/10/2023 19:46

my dog-phobic child is still dog-phobic at 14 years old. We have weaned him onto liking a couple of small dogs belonging to close friends/family.

Every time yet another death or serious injury from a dog is on the news he says “see I told you” and he has a fair point.

Phobias should not be belittled and people should not expect the child to simply get over it or suck it up. Yes children can be helped to become less scared but it takes time, and exposure to a solid dog that jumps up is going to make it worse not better.

2jacqi · 19/10/2023 19:46

staffies are not what I would call the dog of choice to be around children!! when they lose it, there is no stopping them!! my daughter had a boarding kennel and out of the hundreds of dogs who stayed, only ever had one staffie who attacked her resulting in double hand surgery followed by physio!!! she thereafter banned any staffies from her kennels! she only found out later that said staffie would not even allow the owners partner up the stairs!!! Find yourself some really good mates to visit because obviously the dog is always going to take precedence in your mum's house!!

Original poster
GloriousCats · 19/10/2023 19:47

Janiie · 19/10/2023 19:45

They aren't equals though, they are pets.

I also disagree with your idea of letting the dog have free run of the house barring a safe space for her dc or a playpen? A playpen for the dog do you mean?

Kids come first, their safety their wellbeing. Responsible dog owners know this and a dog should be kept away from a dc until the dc is happy and relaxed.

Op is your dsis childfree out of choice? Im just thinking your mother may be overcompensating with the 'the dog is a grandchild' crap to appease her?

Show quote history

Yes my sister is child free by choice

OP posts:
PurpleChrayne · 19/10/2023 19:49

Of course children trump dogs.

People who are too fond of dogs are slightly pathetic.

MechyMagic · 19/10/2023 19:49

So I'm one of those god awful dog mum types (if you come across any of my other comments you'll know why) and my Dad is called Grandad Biscuit 🤣 but honest to god if he said my nieces and nephews had to put up my dogs shite behaviour I'd have to knock some sense into him!

My home isn't set up so that I can separate dogs and little visitors so I don't have little visitors but if it was then dogs would be in one part of the house everyone else in the rest.

Catlover77 · 19/10/2023 19:50

Dogs are part of the family, and your sister will believe her dogs trump your kids

ToadOnTheHill · 19/10/2023 19:51

Your mum is taking the view that she will invite everybody and if your child is phobic then they miss out. It's not about choosing. It's actually about not choosing. You could organise and invite your mum over. You could book a restaurant which is not dog friendly. You could visit your sister without your child.

Itwasamemoment · 19/10/2023 19:52

My granddaughter has known our dog since she was born and lived here until she was 6 months old ,so obviously very familiar.
Now she is three she has developed a real fear of dogs including ours,particularly if she barks
Our dog is very gentle and has always been very tolerant of grandchild so we are mystified.
We just try and keep dog and child calm. We don’t overreact when GD gets upset but Granddaughter will always be the priority over our doggy.

cestlavielife · 19/10/2023 19:53

Dog bites child draws blood = dog put to sleep /put outside /muzzled

Child bites dog .....=

What is the hierarchy?

But some people see their dog as equivalent so find a way

missmollygreen · 19/10/2023 19:53

My dog over other peoples kids all day long

Janiie · 19/10/2023 19:53

RandomQuestionOfTheDay · 19/10/2023 19:46

my dog-phobic child is still dog-phobic at 14 years old. We have weaned him onto liking a couple of small dogs belonging to close friends/family.

Every time yet another death or serious injury from a dog is on the news he says “see I told you” and he has a fair point.

Phobias should not be belittled and people should not expect the child to simply get over it or suck it up. Yes children can be helped to become less scared but it takes time, and exposure to a solid dog that jumps up is going to make it worse not better.

I just think it's fine for kids <or anyone> not to like dogs, not to want them around not to want them jumping up.

Imo a phobia is an irrational fear, like being scared of birds or flies, things that can't hurt you. Dogs can and do and there are so many hapless owners who just don't have their dogs under the most basic control.

Again I have a dog but am very happy to keep her away from those who don't want dogs near them, out of fear or preference either is fine.

Querty123456 · 19/10/2023 19:53

You say she’s child free by choice but if she isn’t then your mum’s behaviour makes a lot more sense. Perhaps you don’t know the full story and your mum is trying to make her feel better.

Original poster
GloriousCats · 19/10/2023 19:55

ToadOnTheHill · 19/10/2023 19:51

Your mum is taking the view that she will invite everybody and if your child is phobic then they miss out. It's not about choosing. It's actually about not choosing. You could organise and invite your mum over. You could book a restaurant which is not dog friendly. You could visit your sister without your child.

To be clear I do often host, for just this reason. But there are occasions when they invite everyone else to their house and for whatever reason it needs to be there. I would not expect my sister to do anything different in her own home, she is not set up for kids, and I have never taken my kids to her house. This is expressly about my parents and the decisions they have made when they are hosting everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
GloriousCats · 19/10/2023 19:58

Querty123456 · 19/10/2023 19:53

You say she’s child free by choice but if she isn’t then your mum’s behaviour makes a lot more sense. Perhaps you don’t know the full story and your mum is trying to make her feel better.

Trust me, this was a conscious choice - I know for a fact there are no fertility issues, she just prefers dogs (similar to my mother)

OP posts:
Janiie · 19/10/2023 19:58

missmollygreen · 19/10/2023 19:53

My dog over other peoples kids all day long

So if a close relative or friend's kids didn't like dogs, you'd rather they didn't visit instead of showing some consideration and sticking it another room or wherever it settles for a bit?

cherryscola · 19/10/2023 20:00

I mean, they shouldn't do, but gun to my head or gun to her dogs head and it was up to my nan? I wouldn't fancy my chances

Goldbar · 19/10/2023 20:05

Your children and this dog sound like an incredibly bad combination. I know staffies aren't naturally aggressive but they are big powerful dogs and having them around nervous children who could spook or startle them sounds like courting trouble. Do your sister and your mum generally lack common sense?

Original poster
GloriousCats · 19/10/2023 20:10

Goldbar · 19/10/2023 20:05

Your children and this dog sound like an incredibly bad combination. I know staffies aren't naturally aggressive but they are big powerful dogs and having them around nervous children who could spook or startle them sounds like courting trouble. Do your sister and your mum generally lack common sense?

Ha! Yes!

OP posts:
Warum · 19/10/2023 20:11

Your mother actually said this?

PonkyPonky · 19/10/2023 20:11

My DS had a terrible dog phobia when little. What got him over it was avoiding dogs as much as possible believe it or not. By doing this, we went so long without any incidents of being jumped at etc that he literally just forgot to be scared. If I were you, I would not be going there again. What your family are doing is cruel. I’m sure if your mum had a phobia of rats, she wouldn’t appreciate it if you had a live rat running loose around your house every time she came over. She would ask you to put the rat away for her visits and you would do it because that’s what a normal, nice person would do.

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