Friend's non stop 11+ brag

[Moonsago]

I have a friend and she is ok most of the time. Her son is a super bright child and everyone knows it. I am fine and I like the child.
So the 11+ results of her son are out ( I am waiting for my daughter's and she is average flower but she tried her best and I am fine with whatever it turn up). Now my friend calls me 3 time a day and says 'called just to chat' ( mind you she hasnt called me once to chat in last 7-8 months when they had 3 tutors training the kid).

Everytime... its goes from 'So I am so confused that all the grammars in the country that we attempted want my son badly and I dont know whom to choose... he is just a boy'... then ' I will send you all the emails that I got from schools begging to put my son in theirs'...

This has been going on since last week... I am tired. I am happy for proud parents for all the effort kids put and I am one of them. But these calls are too much to handle. I never called anyone like this ( when my son got into a grammar)nor did any other friends of mine who all got their kids into grammar or any one else too for that matter!

How do I escape this lady?

Just say - please, don’t involve me in your decision any more. . I have my own child’s education to think about. Text it so you don’t need to speak to her snd then ignore her calls.

She sounds very insecure and lonely. My eldest got in grammar school without any private tuition and I didn’t feel the need to shout it from the roof tops. Grammar schools don’t really scout for kiddies. The private do if the child has a real talent for something. Take it all with a pinch of salt and don’t answer your phone quite as often

Very true. I have ADHD but not diagnosed until 40. I did OK at GCSE, A levels a drop but university I dropped out and then completed a few years later. It was the work place I struggled- always told off for chatting, doing work too quickly and a messy desk. You can be as academic as you like but if you're neurodiverse life is very hard down the line. 11+ and grammar school I was like a square peg. I hated it as always in trouble and not as serious as others and always to this day labelled as inappropriate and immature.

There is a lot of misunderstanding about grammar school in this chat.

Firstly paid grammar schools your child has to pass the 11+ and you cough up the. Money each term to keep them there. If you are rich enough this is by far the easiest route.

Secondly state Grammar schools are much harder to get into, this is because you get a rank position. Therefore not only do you have to pass but you must get higher than the competition. The rank is different for each school you share the results with. So the best school in a given county with 150 places would require a rank of 175 or better to get in. The next school would require a rank of around 300 and so on. Remember there are thousands of smart kids applying so the competition is fierce. Also some kids claim to have had no tutoring but it is BS because most local schools are in fact feeder schools, meaning your odds are better if your kid is in a one of these school due to the in-school tutoring they receive.

Also the exam is said to be untrainable- it is IQ type test with maths and verbal reasoning. I think it is 60% trainable. But just my opinion.

I think you should be happy for your friends success OP. But if she cannot give congratulations back to you then ditch her.

Yes, you said I might feel differently if I had a bright child that would benefit from grammar but couldn't afford a tutor. And I said it's worth investing in one just for a few months, and sacrificing other costs. Obviously I know even this is unachievable for some people. And that really is rubbish, but life unfortunately isn't fair in so many ways. I don't think people should feel bad about giving their children opportunities if they can afford it. It's the same for sports clubs, classes, activities, trips out, some kids come from families that can't afford these and it's crap but unfortunately how life is?

@overtaxedoverworked 11 A levels is just plain impossible. There are not actually enough hours in the school week (each A level if 4-5 taught hours per week plus extra study, 4-5 hours recommended). Could it be the paper got the wrong end of the stick and it was her GCSE results where she got all the As and A*s. 11 GCSEs is much usual especially if she chooses to study a language spoken at home.

@herownworstenemy and unless your only other option is a truly awful comp school, a bright child will probably do well anyway?

Tell her your daughter is going to a finishing school in Switzerland.

She is fulfilling some insecurities of her own. I have known more than one overly tutored kid like that burn out with the pressures & expectations of school & parents. If I had the guts I would say, as I did to a woman who said, ““My son the genius…” “ It’s just not English to boast like that.” She’s still friends, but is so narcissistic that it was probably water of a duck’s back.

I don't agree with grading children at the age of 11. I was a victim of the system back in the day and failed the 11+. The sense of failure and humiliation that I felt is indescribable. My family were devastated. I swore that I would never put my children through that and all 4 of them have had a private education here in Australia and it would have been the same had we stayed in the UK. Children can do without the pressure of the 11+.

Depends where you live, some counties still have the grammar/secondary 11+ system.

Is it actually bragging though?… or is she truly overwhelmed by the choice given that she’s not had to decide on a school before and needs to talk it through? Given that your DS is in grammar school, perhaps she sees you as someone who has relevant experience so can advise/ help her with this? Either way, she does sound rather needy. Good luck whatever you decide

I suppose she calls you on your cellphone, right? "Oh hi, so nice of you to call but I' m just stepping into [the GP's office, the church, a funeral center, whatever place where you can't speak] so let me call you back when I'm free, o.k.?"

No wrong end of the stick, her father sheds some more light here: https://networkpolitics.svbtle.com/how-and-why-my-daughter-got-11-a-levels
My biggest concern was that she got national media attention, some of her colleagues with 6 or more A-levels got feted, any child at her school with 4 A* A-levels went unremarked.

You are not .. your just another person she can brag to .. maybe the only one 🤷‍♀️

That sounds tough however she obviously needs to tell you and from the sounds of it you're a good listener.
My thought is (take it or leave it) there's normally a more deeper & more personal reason behind the need for someone to acknowledge their repetition. Perhaps she had a tough time at school or she was told her son wouldn't amount to anything or perhaps she was told she wouldn't be a good Mum.
If you feel up to it maybe start digging a bit and see what she shares.
Obviously if it still continues then perhaps a kind word explaining your frustration might help her in the long run. If she can't cope with the reality of hearing the truth (said in kindness) then you haven't lost anything. And maybe she'll think twice about the next person she finds to share with.
Just to emphasis though it's not easy and I think you're amazing for reaching out for help.

She’s caught in the trap of academic success equalling life success. She’s tutored for this reason. Plenty of kids who are academic and naturally bright don’t need tutoring. Plenty of kids who are tutored to get through the exams then struggle when they start school.
why don’t you tell her a few of these kinds of opinions…
and in life, if I think of the people I know who are happy and enjoy their jobs or do well at work, then are not always the ones who were academically gifted. In fact, purely on empirical evidence, I’d say the academically gifted are the ones struggling in life.

I went to grammar school & earn less than many people who got hardly any GCSEs and went into a trade. The main bonus was a smaller school which was all-girls & it was possible to learn without any disruption.

I think it's unlikely a school would be contacting her like that. Unless it's independent schools who set a kind of entrance test & are chasing up people who did the entrance test?

Honestly though if he had 3 tutors to get his place he might struggle academically. I wonder if she achieved academically herself?

Send her the dictionary reference for 'humble brag' and see if she gets the hint.

Yes. Do NOT answer the phone.

Maybe tell her to talk to her kid's Guidance Counselor or school staff about schools.

I would also tell her to look up independent reviews of how the parents of students & students liked the schools.

I would tell her that I'm not qualified to pick out the right school.

The reason you’re such a big part of her son’s grammar decision is the fact you’re allowing her to do so by giving her your ear/time.
Try the block button or the ignore/straight-to-answerphone tactic.

If she is “isolated”, that might be why she feels like making a fuss.
she should be considerate towards you but as people pointed out, if she didn’t have a “good” education herself, she might well just not know how to deal with it.
i guess she will learn the hard way on this one and it is a shame...