Friend's non stop 11+ brag

[Moonsago]

I have a friend and she is ok most of the time. Her son is a super bright child and everyone knows it. I am fine and I like the child.
So the 11+ results of her son are out ( I am waiting for my daughter's and she is average flower but she tried her best and I am fine with whatever it turn up). Now my friend calls me 3 time a day and says 'called just to chat' ( mind you she hasnt called me once to chat in last 7-8 months when they had 3 tutors training the kid).

Everytime... its goes from 'So I am so confused that all the grammars in the country that we attempted want my son badly and I dont know whom to choose... he is just a boy'... then ' I will send you all the emails that I got from schools begging to put my son in theirs'...

This has been going on since last week... I am tired. I am happy for proud parents for all the effort kids put and I am one of them. But these calls are too much to handle. I never called anyone like this ( when my son got into a grammar)nor did any other friends of mine who all got their kids into grammar or any one else too for that matter!

How do I escape this lady?

oh I love this so much

Is she actually bragging though, or genuinely worried about making the right school choice and looking to a friend for help? Granted it is insensitive, but think sometimes jealousy can get in the way a bit and make it seem like someone is purposefully being annoying? Why don't you just say, I'm a bit nervous about my daughter's results and am hoping she passes too so would rather not think about it all at the mo? If she doesn't have family maybe she doesn't have many people to discuss school choices with etc

We don't have it in the vast majority of England either. There are only 3 counties left with the grammar system, and a handful left scattered around in a few cities. Not that you would guess that from the handwringing about it on here.

Don't engage with her when she calls. Just make the right noises and find an excuse to end the call pronto. She will get the message

Don’t answer her calls for a bit. And when you do talk to her and the topic goes back to it I would say ‘I don’t know Jane, it’s a decision only you and Mike can make. Did you see the forecast for the weekend? It’s horrendous. We were supposed to be seeing the in-laws but don’t fancy the drive in that weather.’ Just waffle on and keep changing the subject and revert to ‘well you know and Mike will make the right decision’.

Her son's achievements make her feel validated. Which is sad - for him, for her - and of course you!

You can be a good friend by not enabling her neediness i.e. don't take her calls. It's actually very rude of her because come on, bragging about your kids is just another way of saying My Kid's Better Than Yours.

I think she is genuinesly nervous and appreciates your view point.
Can you offer opinions on the schools?
Can you suggest the best couple of schools and, together with her, ask them to consider taking two children as a deal? Your daughter might have like that.
I know of two families who actually did that because one child was extra bright but wanted to attend school with their friend.

Answer the call. As soon as she mentions her DS say oh dear somebody's at the door have to go. Or answer cant speak long. I don't really agree with underhand tactics but needs must sometimes.

Do schools really beg for certain students to enrol?! I have no knowledge in this area, but that does sound weird. I think your friend is over-egging the pudding there a bit.

Imagine being the son! Pressure much?

I extracted myself from all this 11 plus crap by sending DD to a boarding school. She got a really high pass mark in the 11 plus but the competitiveness and angst amongst the mums is just too much. I never spoke to them again. Moved on. A couple have come up to me recently (we are still in our local area) to ask what my DD is doing now. Let’s just say I had the last laugh! DD never had a tutor, ever

Sounds to me like she's overwhelmed, stressed and respects your opinion. Perhaps she considers you a smart woman and would therefore have a better idea of grammar schools than her! Either way, I'm a big believer that most people's behaviour comes from a good place – but you have every right to not answer every call or reply immediately to texts, to protect your own sanity and happiness. Just gently establish some boundaries.

Question: does this friend ever ask about your children? Or is it all one-sided? Again, I'm sure she's not a bad person. But good friendships are ones that have a natural give/take balance. When the balance goes off-kilt, it's not healthy for anyone.

We have such busy lives. And life is short. Might be time to reconsider this relationship. But only you know what the right thing to do is.

Your friend is being insensitive towards you but if you have mothered her, there may be a pattern to this.

In all likelihood, if her DS is very bright and has lots of options she is getting herself utterly confused on what order to put schools in on the application form. Tell her to go for the closest with a reasonable level of education. Kids get a 2nd go at Sixth Form anyway if she then wants some far off prestigious grammar. It is not worth exhausting an 11 year old who then ends up with no local friends.

I would honestly just call it out. "I'm really pleased for you but you're going on about it a bit much for my liking, and beyond a certain point I find it uncomfortable".

And echo the PP about how her son must be feeling. "Congrats to your son, he must be so proud, but remember he's still a child so too much pressure could be damaging to him".

If it's a state grammar then no way are they sending begging letters to individual students!

dont answer phone/mute messages! What a bore 🥱

That’s nonsense. Relatively few kids join after GCSEs - post 16 colleges are preferred because they offer a wider range of subjects and more independence. The vast majority of grammar school kids are there from 11.

If she doesn't retain the three wise men* though maybe superkid will not be able to cope with grammar school!

*yes, I do know that there are also wise women but it didn't fit my soon-to-be relevant-in-December reference!

I don’t understand how anyone can have 3 actual grammar schools (selecting via 11 plus) offering places, let alone ‘begging’ anyone to take up a place. it strikes me that your so-called friend probably doesn’t understand the system. It’s not uncommon.

However I can well understand less selective private schools (which may well set entrance exams) being keen to accept any child who’s a bit brighter than the average. A lot of them will accept just about any child whose parents can afford the fees.

In any case, OP, I’d be keeping contact with this PITA woman to a minimum.

Could she be confusing the results letter which does say stuff like how good their school is and why we should choose that school, please consider us, name out school at the top of your list on the LEA application etc etc etc
My DD got 4 of them from 4 grammars- just like all the others that passed those schools.

I had a friend who went full on Grammarzilla in year 6. She’d always boasted about her kid but it became so tedious / boring.

i heard he just got in to Cambridge so I’m glad we aren’t friends any more.

This lady is not your friend, you sound lovely.
You need to cut her off. Best of luck to your DD x

Actual grammar schools (state schools selecting via the official 11 plus) or private schools that set their own exams?

You need to correct her incorrect use of the word ‘whom’ and ask if her son can give her a grammar lesson.