Friend's non stop 11+ brag

[Moonsago]

I have a friend and she is ok most of the time. Her son is a super bright child and everyone knows it. I am fine and I like the child.
So the 11+ results of her son are out ( I am waiting for my daughter's and she is average flower but she tried her best and I am fine with whatever it turn up). Now my friend calls me 3 time a day and says 'called just to chat' ( mind you she hasnt called me once to chat in last 7-8 months when they had 3 tutors training the kid).

Everytime... its goes from 'So I am so confused that all the grammars in the country that we attempted want my son badly and I dont know whom to choose... he is just a boy'... then ' I will send you all the emails that I got from schools begging to put my son in theirs'...

This has been going on since last week... I am tired. I am happy for proud parents for all the effort kids put and I am one of them. But these calls are too much to handle. I never called anyone like this ( when my son got into a grammar)nor did any other friends of mine who all got their kids into grammar or any one else too for that matter!

How do I escape this lady?

Sounds annoying! I think the underlying feeling under this sort of bragging behaviour it low self confidence, I guess she’s feeling somehow inferior and there’s an opportunity to show she’s better. Do you know if she’s doing it to other people? Not that you would change much, but give you an idea if it’s focused on you or more generally on the world around you. I’d probably stop taking her calls.

Hi,

its sounds like you need to set some healthy boundaries with this lady. It seems as though she’s reaching out ( albeit overly and without asking if you are ok with it) due to you having a child that has/ is being educated in a grammar school.
perhaps she felt safe asking you and would like some help.
people aren’t always the best at asking directly and I think you need to say that it’s a little overwhelming being bombarded.

Eduction is always stressful and in a world with so many choices and a ridiculously high bar for children , it’s all rather exhausting!

good luck

i’m thinking of doing the same regarding a “friend” of mine who had made me feel so bad about my son not passing when hers did. Just the type of comments that took some conscious reasoning to shake off. In the end I’m thinking why would someone want to rub it in to another mum, I know it’s probably because she feels inferior in some ways, but do I want a “friend” like this in my life? Probably not.

I work in a primary school & each year there are several parents who ask if we coach for the 11+ in reception. They are very intense and often send their 4 year olds to extra lessons outside of school or hire tutors.

To echo other posters - WHY do you keep picking up?? Decide on a strategy to suit you, like:
-only pick up once a day
-only respond/give her conversations 3/4 times a week
-put her on loudspeaker and carry on doing whatever you’re doing
-let her carry her monologue, remain silent. If she asks are you still there say “Mmmmm”
My DH has a friend who phones him up regularly and whinges about everything. Whenever he rang DH would say Oh no! it’s X!! I kept saying FFS, why do you answer!! Eventually, he learned to pick up only when it suited him.
people who ring can’t see or hear you 😊

OMG, as if it matters. They’ll all be vaping in the park next year and getting detentions for not doing their homework 🤣

Grammar schools aren't great for ADHD or certain types of ASD. He will also be surrounded by people who are equally smart or better. She may go very quiet when he actually goes there...

You're a big part of the decision because you're the only one still listening.

I think it's fine to raise it once, but over again. I don't know if it's bragging or being self absorbed whilst struggling to make a decision. Either way if she's not actually interested in you and its annoying you no obligation to take calls. Just say you're too busy.

Genuinely, I loathe the 11+.

There are 2 counties remaining in the UK that have the Grammar/Secondary Modern system, Bucks and Kent, but I believe stand alone and private Grammar schools exist elsewhere. I live in one of those counties and I have taught in both types of school, currently Secondary Modern.

Kids get tutored to within an inch of their life to get to GS. It’s crazy. It causes an economic divide - those who can afford tutors and those who cannot. So the richer kid’s disproportionately go to GS. And honestly, once they get there, some struggle because they can’t keep up academically. It doesn’t always work out.

I didn’t tutor mine. My son went to grammar. My daughter didn’t. At his school the sport is amazing - rugby trips, cricket trips to far off places, they even have fencing and rowing. Music is outstanding and he has benefitted from enhanced facilities courtesy of PTA and generous old pupil donations. We couldn’t complain.

However, at my daughters school the roof leaks. We don’t have much sport and music. Or trips. But we do have some fantastic kids, and we also have some that need a lot of love because everybody goes to school. We have disproportionate SEND and ESL and that can be hard, but only the same funding, but guess what? The teaching is Exactly The Same. We teach the same curriculum and the staff care just as much (I know because I teach there.)

I’d say if you can afford a decent private education at a good school, good for you. If not I prefer a good old properly funded Comprehensive above the grammar school/sec modern any day because why should my children have been separated into a first and second class education at such a young age? The 11+ is one exam taken at 10 years old (actually my son was only 9) and it causes so much distress. Great if they pass, but if you accept that you also have to accept the concept of more able children being provided better facilities, and less able pupils having to cope with less which then further reduces their chances in life.

As to your friend, she’s only insecure. Grammar schools are not begging to get her son (except some private schools desperately trying to fill their rolls). My sons school is are fending parents off! Personally, next time she phones I’d be tempted to say, ‘Good for you, but this is what we’re doing.’ Then leave it at that.

Don't answer the phone?

Academic achievement is not the be all and end all. EVERY child has a talent and is more likely to blossom when they are happy. Think of all the children who have been so pressured and unhappy that they despair of ever being ‘good enough’ and take their lives.
Learning is a life long pleasure. Some people are ‘late bloomers’ and it’s never too late to achieve. For myself, I narrowly missed going to a grammar school at 11, but went on for the sixth form to the same school and hated it. I achieved my honours degree at 61!

I’ve always been very aware of this sort of thing. The lady we walked home with had a child that struggled so my daughter couldn’t come out excited after passing each level of times tables, couldn’t celebrate until we got home… she’d come out and quietly say she’d passed and if the other mum over heard we’d get ‘that’ look!…. I’d say ooh well done… wait till we got home and then make a huge fuss calling family and take her for an ice cream…. I do feel it’s a bit unfair that kids can’t celebrate without being accused of bragging… but I never bragged to people about it because I know it must be so hard having a child that isn’t as bright as others…. In fact I once had a parent bragging to me how her child had now passed half the keywords and was SOoooo bright… she didn’t even ask how my child was doing and I sat quietly listening to her say how well her DC was doing and didn’t say a word even though my child had completed their keywords and was now half way through spelling them all….
as parents sometimes we just have to keep our mouths shut and let other parents have their moments…. But in this scenario the mother is being horrible to brag so many times about her son!

when she runs down the school your DD is likely to go to, I would just say ‘some of the grammar schools are just as bad’…. It’s just a higher priced vape they’ll be smoking…. Then laugh!…. Or just say ‘oh well, some of us will be sending our kids to that school so….. and just leave it there and say ‘anyway I’ve got to go the Amazon man is at the door!

Or simply just tell her that you’re very happy for her son, it’s great he has such a choice…. And literally say that you daughter did well and you’re proud she did her best and again say you’ve got to go….

or just say… I’m pleased for you… but can we talk about something else… because no offence but what school he goes to won’t impact my life at all 😂😂

Just curious is he an only child? Not a judgement on only children AT ALL but I know someone very similar to this who constantly brags about her child - in this case she is so obsessed with her that she just wants praise and admiration all the time. It’s an insecurity thing with her I’m sure.

Just stop answering!

I've never heard of a state grammar begging a child to attend. Why would they? There are strict criteria for admission and they are always massively oversubscribed. The schools know that there will be plenty of other bright kids wanting a place.

Ditch her, she sounds really draining. This friendship isn’t about you, it’s all about her rubbing your nose in it.

That aside, she’s quite a silly woman, because it’s possible that one day something could go pear shaped with him and she could end up with a lot of egg on her face. I’ve known this to happen.

I am now wondering how I have behaved to other Mums. I was supposedly an extremely bright child with the highest IQ in primary. Apparently the head teacher phoned my DPs to tell them. Ionly heard of this as an adult. It balanced out so by 16 I was in the high average. Got decent but not spectacular A levels, foundation course. degree, post grad. I am a CCO. So when my DD followed the same pattern I did tell other parents she was clever. It was tongue in cheek as i guessed she would peter out just as I did. Instead of extra tuition I love bombed her. My parents ignored my achieven=ments, so thought love was the better path. I wanted our DD to be whatver she wanted to be and not be constrained by accademic results. As a result we have a loving, clever, funny DD who is very much her own person, but i am worried that the parents I encountered may have thought i was bragging about her achievements when I was just stating facts and not expecting the moon on a stick. OP perhaps that other mum is just wanting reassurance for herself?

If you like her and want to be friends with her, then tell her that you are really happy for her son but that the calls are too much. Say, I don’t even speak to my xxxx as much as I speak to you ha ha (something like that).
If you don’t particularly care for a friendship then just don’t answer the phone or not so much/less & less until she gets the hint

@Ilikepinacoladass erm did you mean to tag me? I think you misread my posts. One of my DC is already at grammar school thanks. We could afford to tutor but just did a few past papers against the clock for practice.

But for some reason just saying this on an anonymous forum hits a nerve with some posters, if you criticise heavy tutoring they fire back with reductio ad absurdem "why bother with school at all" comments. Hey ho.

As a pp said education is for life, its a marathon not a sprint.

@K4tM Grammar Schools are alive and kicking in Essex. I'm torn between their ability to give an excellent education to kids from poor families as well as saving rich families the cost of a private education.
Seeing a child whose parents left school early for economic reasons get 15 GCSEs and 5 A-levels is inspiring, seeing the heir to a family of doctors get the grades for medical school for free, less so. On balance, the former justifies the latter.
I believe there needs to be somewhere for the naturally high achieving. Though I question whether some pupils could recognise a tree or grass: https://www.eadt.co.uk/news/21711620.essex-11-a-levels-no-problem-libera-assini-gets-straight-s/

Your friend sounds like someone I knew when my son (many years ago now) was at school. Went on and on about how bright her son was and how he was going to go to uni and have an amazing career. When it came to GCSEs her son bombed his exams - he didn’t bother revising because he didn’t think he needed to. While my son, while not exactly gaining straight A results did very well! She suddenly went very quiet!

If you want to remain friends with her, you could kindly say her son is amazing, but let's talk about something else -- then laugh a bit to keep it light, and immediately bring up a topic you think she might be interested in. Anytime she brings up her son again, keep politely, but quickly, changing the subject. After a few times, I would think she would get the message.

Oh God that sounds like an absolute nightmare (but then so would 3 calls a day from my best friend 😅) I'd just ignore all her calls until she gets the message. If she asks why, say you're too busy to be spending time on calls. Don't humour her anymore!

I always hated listening to parents and grandparents boasting about their wonderful children.

So glad we don’t have 11 plus here it sounds hideous and divisive and brings out the worst in people. Surely decent comprehensives can differentiate / set to ensure the bright ones are encouraged and less able supported they don’t need to be in a different school. Some of my dds loveliest friends are not particularly academic would be really sad if they were siphoned off into different schools and never met.

She calls three times a day?

Stop picking up. Ignore. Do you not both have work to do??