Friend's non stop 11+ brag

[Moonsago]

I have a friend and she is ok most of the time. Her son is a super bright child and everyone knows it. I am fine and I like the child.
So the 11+ results of her son are out ( I am waiting for my daughter's and she is average flower but she tried her best and I am fine with whatever it turn up). Now my friend calls me 3 time a day and says 'called just to chat' ( mind you she hasnt called me once to chat in last 7-8 months when they had 3 tutors training the kid).

Everytime... its goes from 'So I am so confused that all the grammars in the country that we attempted want my son badly and I dont know whom to choose... he is just a boy'... then ' I will send you all the emails that I got from schools begging to put my son in theirs'...

This has been going on since last week... I am tired. I am happy for proud parents for all the effort kids put and I am one of them. But these calls are too much to handle. I never called anyone like this ( when my son got into a grammar)nor did any other friends of mine who all got their kids into grammar or any one else too for that matter!

How do I escape this lady?

Boy

Tbf - it sounds like she’s maybe insecure about her kid’s learning difficulties and being ND.

I’d imagine that school life won’t be easy for him as a teenager with ASD.

sounds like she’s over compensating.

Essex, with a daughter in grammar school.

The way it works at our schools is that a set passmark has to be achieved to gain entry within the main Southend/Rochford/Rayleigh postcodes, of which there are 9.

Outside that area a higher pass mark is set.

To be honest, my daughter has enough to keep on top of without travelling many miles each day- we live approx 5.5 miles as the crow flies from her school and that is plenty in my personal opinion.

We are lucky to be near(ish) to her school and I understand that others have to travel. But I firmly believe that a happy child will do well at school.

If she hadn't passed, I had a choice of the very good secondary 100m up the road which my niece and nephew go to( wasn't for her anyway, very sporty, which DD isn't!) Or one approx 3/4 mile away, better known for its science, I think that one was more her. OP, well done to your DD and I'm sure she will do very well at the school you choose together- because it's a happy choice!

DS is at a grammar school. He asked to do the tests because a few of his friends were. I wasn't all that keen because the pushiness and fever amongst parents at open day was palpable & it put me off but it was his choice and the school itself is excellent. The OP's friend will be one of those types of feverish parents, the crazed spinny eyes gives them away.

My DS insisted tutoring was unfair to those who couldn't afford it (I agree) but did a couple of past papers against the clock, it was a fluke he got in AFAIC. Nothing wrong with a bit of tutoring to practice, its sensible like preparing for a job interview but some go at it for years, I know DC who weren't allowed to play with friends in the Easter hols of Y4 because of tutoring for the 11+. If OPs friend used 3 tutors she's part of that crowd & better to keep at arms length unless you're doing similar.

Anyway, DS is now bumping along happily in Y10, he says everyone knows who is brilliant (not him) and everyone also knows who was hothoused to get in, who struggles to keep up & who is being tutored constantly at home. Teenagers talk amongst themselves a lot, parents forget that. At our local comp and independent sport is the social currency amongst boys but at the grammar its brains so the over-tutored do stand out socially, just not necessarily in the way they or their parents would wish.

I now know more parents who hothoused their DC for years before 11+ and some complain once they get in that their child is struggling to keep up and that they have to keep forking out for tutoring. Even telling them bluntly that this is not the kind of DC a grammar school is intended for doesn't stop them moaning. The OPs friend could easily turn out to be one of these if her DC needed so much tutoring. Be glad you blocked her OP because either way you'll never hear the end of it.

I don't know why I'm posting really, other than a few musings from the other side of the 11+.

@herownworstenemy Being somewhat further on than you, I would make sure that if your son is considering a competitive university course, you hold your nose and get the best tutors you can find.
My child worked incredibly hard (2+ hours a night, every night for seven years) but couldn't compete with the rigorously tutored. We found out shortly before A-levels that they were one of only three pupils in the most important STEM subject studied without a specialist tutor and exam technique is incredibly important..
All good now, working in a coveted role directly related to the STEM degree studied, but we felt that we had failed her at the time.

I find the whole, well if you had loads of tutors for something you clearly weren't naturally bright enough and will struggle/ don't deserve it / should be looked down upon a little bit strange. Tutors are just an extension of school surely. Maybe all kids shouldn't go to school at all and then just sit GCSEs within any practice to get a real sense of who has the superior natural ability.

When I left Junior School, the head teacher's remark on my final report was "Getting into grammar school is only the first step", which proved very apt.
I wasn't coached privately for the exam, although school made sure we were familiar with the format of the tests, and was pretty comfortable with the standard of "competition" when I got there. However, it became apparent fairly early on that a few had been coached to the eyeballs to get through, and found life hard when the pace started to pick up.

If you had a bright DC who would benefit massively from grammar but you couldn't come close to affording a tutor you might see it very differently.

You shouldn't need "loads of tuition" to pass the 11 plus well. Try a few sample papers sure, to accustom yourself to the format and the idea of sitting a timed exam, make sure you've covered the math content but honestly it's really not that difficult. What are all these kids doing for 2 years?

Block her op

Is the 11+ an English thing? I'm in Wales and haven't heard about it in recent years. My mum talks about it, but she was born in the 50s.

This brings me back. I went to Grammar School and all those bar 3 of us had been secretly tutored for years. Anyway, now in our 40's, those who went to Grammar and earning no more than my friends from comprehensive. Load of old crap. Education is a marathon, not a sprint. "Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind - the race is long and it's only with yourself." It seems such a big deal now but it really isn't. I'd also remember, pushed kids can rebel. Blinkers on and when she calls say "can we not talk about educational/school things for now- it's getting boring. I'm delighted for your son and I know you're very proud but it's coming across almost gloating ".

That's not how grammar schools work at all.

She doesn't sound sane! Tell her to allow him to choose where he wants to go and then hang up.

Schools would not be e-mailing asking her to put her child with them. Utter rubbish

Sounds like she’s likely on the spectrum like her son.

This is also what I thought after reading the OP.

People are being quick to dismiss kids who get into grammars as being hothoused/not keeping up/future failure in life.
If all those things weee true, I would think many parents would not be interested in applying to grammar schools.The reality is parents want to do the best they can for their children. Grammar schools are seen as being a free/cheaper alternative to private schools and parents simply want the best for their children.

Poor Kid, just cos he’s bright doesn’t mean he will be perfect teen

I remember the competition btw the parents well. Both my kids flunked the 11+ spectacularly, both are now in university, but importantly they're happy doing what they're doing. If she thinks an 11+ score matters, she's not only a sad case, she may be in for a shock in the long term.

It kind of sounds like she is mega insecure and has put everything into the tutors to make sure her DS performs. Could she just be insecure, lonely and being selfish in wanting support because she is genuinely struggling with decision making?

However it doesn’t feel great to you and she isn’t being very self aware. I wonder if you just avoid her calls if it’s getting a bit much.

Is she boasting or does she genuinely want help? All my kids go to independent schools , one is gifted and talented in year 3 primary & it's a difficult choice however I just spoke to family , my oldest daughter is good at drama and art but really struggles with other subjects & my oldest son is bang on average .. having a very bright child is much more difficult believe me they can be really high needs and chooseing education for them is hard as you want a school that will help and understand them, its a big responsibility, with my older 2 i chose purely on pastrol care , student happiness and extra curricular opertunities , she may be boasting or it could be genuine , just to play devil's advocate..

That is a shame, but it's not news that life is unfair in a million different ways. If your child is bright they won't need loads of tuition (if any) but a couple of months of seeing a tutor one a week might help her get used to the exam format / questions, if that's in anyway financially possible. Grammars are seen as a free alternative to private schools, think how much you'd be saving in the long term! Definitely worth investing a bit now if it all poss imo.

Don't answer the phone.

So as others have said if her DS is super bright why did he need 3 tutors? Seems unlikely anyone would invest that much in a kid that is naturally bright and probably would have passed with one or no tutors? She sounds like a fake friend tbh. The kids taking the 11 plus are old enough at this age to have their own opinion so she should not be asking u what u think (no offence) but should be asking her son which school he preferred? And obviously not even be considering a school that her son hasn't actually visited in person and looked around? My DD will pick her own secondary school. Just talk to your kids and listen to them would b my advice to Yr friend 😊 guide them, support, help but they are of an age to have a say in the next 6 or so years of their life??

Not true round here. If they pass on their own merits they go to Grammar School at 11.