Do I have unreasonable expectations of SAHP role?

[Babysharkdodo123]

Currently on mat leave with 4 month old. 22 month old in nursery couple of days as no family around to help and wanted to keep routine.

Dog needed to go to vets this morning for routine boosters so I asked DH if he could take her as i would have to juggle both kids and dog. Appointment at 8.30am so before work. He said no "why couldn't I do it as he was at work earning the money" (for ref I only get SMP).

I then got asked what I was doing today (meeting friends new baby) which was met with "oh, I thought you could get through some of the laundry".

So AIBU that household maintenance ie dogs, drs appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping should be shared in non working hours? If I was at work and DCs in nursery then no one would be home to do all of these jobs so they'd have to be shared out. Just because I'm on mat leave I don't think it should be expected that I do everything and DH wakes up, leaves and earns money.

YANBU.

I'm on mat leave and DH has a demanding job and although I do most of the household chores he still does his fair share and it does not go unnoticed, it is such a help. I've actually also suggested we get a cleaner because my back is so painful there's a bunch of stuff I've avoided doing.

Well, my first question is why the vet appointment was booked for an inconvenient time? If neither of you could easily do it, book it for when you can.

As a general rule, of course things in non-work hours should be shared. During his work hours, you’re doing childcare.

The laundry thing would piss me off he’s said it, but I’d look at the piles and see if perhaps he had a point that a couple of loads did need to get shoved through.

I think taking the dog to the vets should be done by 1 adult while the other has the kids as its just not manageable with 2 little ones. Housework I think I'd probably expect you to lean into it a bit more than DH on the days your toddler is in nursery and you are at home as not hard to throw in some laundry etc but it certainly shouldn't all fall to you especially when you have both kids

I mean, with the dog, if he had time to take it before work and just didn’t want to, then you could have left the kids with him and taken the dog, couldn’t you?

He’s wrong to say you should do everything just because he’s earning and you’re not right now, but the devil is in the detail when it comes to sharing the load effectively.

To add tho I would take massive issue with him telling me his expectations, you have even right to meet up with friends for coffee etc

YANBU, we don't have pets but if we have to take one child to a doctor's appointment, then we arrange that the other one is covered by the other parent, because you can't focus on the doctor while trying to prevent a young child touching everything. Whether that means the other parent deals with nursery drop off/pick up or whether they stay at home to look after the other child.

I do do a bit more housework when being SAHP, but it's important to maintain social relationships and connections too. So balancing this, not just staying at home doing housework every day! And with a 4 month old, their sleep and feeding can be so unpredictable that sometimes all you do is look after them and catch up on sleep yourself and that's fine.

You are completely unreasonable. Your job currently is to do all the childcare and housework you possibly can. Surely you can put a wash on and hang it up during the day? I work full time and have kids but as I wfh I do pretty much all the housework and washing so I don’t really understand why you can’t?

Sure, he could have taken the dog, who arrange the appointment for that time? Why wasn’t it arrange when you have one at nursery? Better planning would help you all it sounds like!

Hmm, I'd say that you both need to plan better to get the best advantage of your situation.

If the dog is just getting boosters, it can be booked during the toddler's nursery hours, surely, then at my vets, they'd usually just take the dog in, sort it and bring it out again.

Re: laundry - he can stick a load on first thing, you can hang it out before you go out?

Likewise, food - I've been doing slow cooker meals the past few days as I'm on mat leave waiting for the baby to arrive, but my husband will be taking over those on days he needs to be out of the house.

It feels like both you and he are choosing that all of the home chores should fall in work time or home time. The answer is more 50:50 than that.

Why is her job to do all the childcare and housework? She has a full time job looking after the kids during the day. Two small kids means all hands on deck, all the time. As soon as he's not in work he should also be doing childcare and housework. Doing all his chores for him comes at the expense of bonding with baby, recovering from birth/ pregnancy and giving attention to toddler - the point of mat leave. The reason women burn out so quickly is because of this bollocks, and the idea they should do everything and men should be protected from it. If he didn't want to look at after his own children or do housework he shouldn't have had a family.

‘That she possibly can’

I don’t think it’s hard to put on some washing or run round with the hoover and I don’t think it is unrealistic that he would expect her to do so in the circumstances.

To be honest, I’d expect you to do this, if my husband was at home I’d expect him to do more housework and take dog to vets yes.

This is the perennial battle!

I think the SAHP (and I’ve been one for years, although not now) should pick up more of the slack on the housework than the full time worker. And tbh especially as you have childcare some days for the toddler. There’s time to do the laundry when you’re looking after a baby, even a baby and a toddler.

I did all that stuff while I was on maternity leave. DH also did it while he was on gardening leave with DC2 as a baby when I went back to work.

It’s split fairly when no one is at home

You’re not a SAHP, you’re on mat leave with a very young baby so your ‘job’ is childcare, not all the other household stuff.

Book the dog’s appointment for a convenient time and discuss who is taking them when you book it so it’s not this last minute thing where the appointment time is inconvenient for both of you. Whoever booked it is responsible for that.

If the laundry is piling up he doesn’t need to passive aggressive by asking what you’re doing today. Couldn’t he just stick a wash on and ask you to transfer it to the dryer/hang it up when done like a normal person? I’d be tempted to wash everything except his stuff ha!

I’m on maternity myself and I do try and take on the bulk of the chores. I think if things were piling up my partner might pass comment (nervously). But I’ve only got 1 baby to contend with not 2 so I suppose this makes a massive difference.
I do think he should be taking the dog the vet however, how are you meant to manage that with 2 kids in tow.

I’m usually fully on the side of the woman when it comes to things like this but you’re just being ridiculous. The OP has said the toddler is in nursery a few days a week and unless the baby is extremely high needs or the OP lives in a mansion that is plenty of time to keep on top of the bulk of the housework and laundry.

And as for “doing all his chores comes at the expense of bonding with the baby”, what about the father bonding with the baby?! The mother is with the baby 24/7 whereas the father has very limited time to spend with the baby, which you seem to expect him to use a significant chunk of to do chores?

In my marriage we act as a team and support each other, so of course I’d do my best to do the bulk of the chores and give my husband some breathing space and time to bond with the baby when he’s not working. Likewise he always mucks in and helps wherever he can. I can’t believe the way some people in relationships treat each other to be honest.

So AIBU that household maintenance ie dogs, drs appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping should be shared in non working hours?

No I don't think it should ALL be shared in non working time. To me that's just not logical.
It makes sense for more of the house chores to be done by the person who is at home.
The person working FT should still do a portion of these things in their non working time, along with shared care for the baby/ children.

The dog thing is petter because either of you could have done it, but imo moreso you if you booked the appointment.

People focus too much on how the work at home is split.

Instead take a step back and ask yourself who has more leisure time.

Not every hour of the day on mat leave is "work". Just because you have kids in tow, it can still be enjoyable leisure time.

Going to meet friends in a cafe with a 4m old in a pram? Leisure imho.

All the housework & shit bits of parenting don't take up a 40 h week - there's likely a fair whack of leisure time.

If one parent goes to a job all day & comes home to a pile of household chores, dog appointments, kids activities etc, is the leisure time split equally?

AIBU that household maintenance ie dogs, drs appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping should be shared in non working hours?

No! You can easily do a chunk of this during the day with children, and still have as much/more leisure time than your partner.

I would expect most basic household drudgery to be done.
I would also expect two adults not to book the vets for a time that no one can do

I do the laundry as that's easy to do around little ones. The vet seems do-able with the baby so I'd probably move that to a time when you just have the little one.

It seems like you need a bigger conversation about free time and fairness, though. You should have equal free time as much as possible. From your post it's hard to tell if you could do more in the day or if he is doing nothing except work when actually small children mean there's much more housework and much less time.

@ASCCM no wonder women are burning out. It isn't a race to the bottom. Both are parents both have work /child related duties - the rest should be 50/50 why should it be less?

You both sound unreasonable. He seems to think his only responsibility now is to earn money - so less than before he had children, and you seem to think being a SAHM means just being with your baby all day and doing what you want when you feel like it.

Oh come on, most of the week with 1 baby at home has a lot more relaxing time than a full time work day. Coffee with friends? A movie on the sofa?
Most people aren't doing that during a work day but they are doing it most days on mat leave.
Some days with a a baby are harder than others, but it isn't go go go all day everyday with a 4 month old.

I just don’t understand why so much fuss is made, it’s not hard just to check washing on or tidy a room or wipe a sink. I just do it ( and always have, even when my kids were small) as part of my daily routine, it barely takes anytime, things don’t pile up, no one argues about stuff needing to be done. In the same way, my husband empties the dishwasher / wipes round/ does the bins when they need doing without a big drama!

we both work full time. The OP is at home everyday ( when not out and about ) so she has more time than her DH who I assume from post is out at work.