Do I have unreasonable expectations of SAHP role?

[Babysharkdodo123]

Currently on mat leave with 4 month old. 22 month old in nursery couple of days as no family around to help and wanted to keep routine.

Dog needed to go to vets this morning for routine boosters so I asked DH if he could take her as i would have to juggle both kids and dog. Appointment at 8.30am so before work. He said no "why couldn't I do it as he was at work earning the money" (for ref I only get SMP).

I then got asked what I was doing today (meeting friends new baby) which was met with "oh, I thought you could get through some of the laundry".

So AIBU that household maintenance ie dogs, drs appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping should be shared in non working hours? If I was at work and DCs in nursery then no one would be home to do all of these jobs so they'd have to be shared out. Just because I'm on mat leave I don't think it should be expected that I do everything and DH wakes up, leaves and earns money.

On reflection, I think you're right @LolaSmiles. It probably isn't a WOH/SAH thing at all. Just general mindset/outlook.

You’re being unreasonable. You’re at home all day surely you can manage a bit of housework.

What is WOH?

Surely you chose to have children and stay home with them though?
I class basically all of my weekend as “down time” even though I’m going for coffee with my kids, making lunches, wiping up spills.

Otherwise same shit, different place, potentially with company.

Imo this is just a miserable outlook.

No definitely not - I personally think that the person at work shouldn’t be doing anywhere near 50%. But some had commented on a previous post of mine about babies being different and some needing more care : more demanding during the day so my point around fairness was more that ok both sides should put in the same effort. So theoretically if one is doing 38 hours work, and the other is looking after baby but the baby naps 3 hours during the working day or if the baby is in their play station etc then why can’t sahp be doing things to make the workers life easier.
When I was on Mat leave both times I did pretty much everything as hubby was at work. It meant as a family we had more quality time in the evening. Why should my husband work full time then come home to a load of chores if I had plenty of time to do it

Full disclosure - I'm not a SAHP, I'm on mat leave like the OP and returning to work part-time soon.

I love spending time with my children, yes, but they are full-on so I wouldn't describe it as 'down-time'. Chasing after two very active mobile children of completely different ages, both keen to push their physical boundaries to the limit, is not exactly what I would class as a relaxing experience. I am awed and in wonder at what they achieve daily, the progress they make and how brave and wonderful they are. I am also running around like a crazy lady underneath them both trying to catch them when they fall, while they live life to the fullest. Perhaps other people's experiences might be different if they have more sedate children, but this is mine. Go figure - kids are different.

Apart from when we have a babysitter or DH takes the kids, the closest thing to down-time for me will be when I'm back at work going for the occasional coffee or lunch with colleagues. Actually being able to eat my lunch hot (a lunch I didn't cook) because I'm not tending to others the whole time. And no cleaning up to do.

OP- think you are v unrealistic.

I have seen too many male colleagues suffer your attitude. One was as sick as a dog, vomiting +++, when told to go home - he said I can't the minute I walk through the door, I have all the housework to do and the DCS will be left with me and she will go out. We all laughed - but he simply sat in our sick room, vomiting and went home at 1730.

It is not unreasonable for him to do his share of the housework as normal but to think the minute he walks through the door, he gets the DCS and all the housework to do - completely unreasonable. When does he get his quality time with the DCS - never .

Isn't this just the experience of most working parents though? When they go home, they have childcare and housework to do.

Obviously it should be shared outside working hours and obviously if only one parent is sick, the other parent should step up and do as much as they can. But if both parents are sick at the same time, they just have to get on with it.

I've cared for both my DC while vomiting and shaking with fever before and hardly able to stand up. This is just what parents have to do sometimes. Unfortunately, there wasn't a handy work sick room to hide out in.

Lucky you — sounds like bliss!

But they’re not both working? So yeah when OP is back to work, but surely when at home there can be more done?

So the working parent gets nine months off doing any housework?

I roll my eyes when I read, ‘I am sooo busy that I can’t even have a wee in peace as they follow me in!!’ Well shut the door then 🤷🏼‍♀️

Begs the question of why the person who is recovering from pregnancy and childbirth (and more than likely contending with all the night feeds "because he's got work in the morning" ) is suddenly expected to take on more of the domestic labour over and above what's required to get through the day with a baby?
And the other person, having become a parent with zero effort or physical strain on their part, gets to just sail on as before but with even less domestic responsibility than before?

I consider my weekend as down time too. They are called days off for a reason.

OP, YANBU - this is stuff that my H used to say and used to leave me to do everything. Now that I’m back full time, I still do more than him but he does help quite a bit. But the mental workload lies with me. he was moaning if I ask him to take kid to any appt so I had to have a word about it and now he’s doing some.
but yes taking kids to cafe or mates is not really downtime for you. Aldo baby sleeping does not coincide with toddler sibling napping so not a break just slightly less chaos.

Possibly yes. Depends on the circumstances. If the sahp can keep on top of it whilst the other is at work, why not??
Or should the person at work, do the work then come home and clean whilst the other has 9 months off work and just relaxes?
I didn’t say the person at work does no housework, but it should be fair, so why should one work and the other just put their feet up and socialise if baby is napping? It’s a partnership, so to be fair the one at home surely would want to put as much in as the other at work. This may very well be the case, and there still be things that need doing when the partner comes home. And when they come home they can share what remains to be done.
Again it depends on the circumstances and I guess your relationship with your partner.
If baby is napping and other child is at nursery then hopefully the parent at home can get some bits done, so there is less for both of them to do in the evening.

YABU.
You're a SAHP, you should be doing the bulk of the chores. When he's home he can help

Why are you running around attempting to stop your children from falling?
The extent to which people use sophistry to exaggerate their daily routine is incredible.

*Toddler: spends 5 minutes arguing about coming outside. Then once you've decided to do it without them they scream they want to come and throw a tantrum. So you start helping them put their shoes on which they then spend 10 minutes arguing they can do it themselves. Eventually you cajole them outside where they find a puddle/birdbath/plant pot and empty it on themselves. They are now muddy and wet and decide that's the moment they're going to help with the washing. So now they are cold and wet and your clean washing is muddy. You then spend another 10 minutes persuading them to come inside and now you have to clean and change them.
Or you leave them inside and while you're gone they drag the baby across the floor, wee on the sofa or find a tissue box that they empty every tissue individually out of. Or worse and they actually injure the baby.

Baby: screams the entire time regardless of where you put them because they're no longer being held. Or you have them in the sling and they spend the whole time trying to grab/look at what you're doing and you try desperately not to tip them out as your thighs aren't built for this much squatting to the basket with an extra weight strapped to you.*

This just reads like you are trying to make it hard for yourself.

Put toddler strapped into buggy/high chair/garden swing for ten mins. Put telly on for ten mins. Let baby bellow in bouncy chair for ten mins. Put laundry basket on a chair so you aren't squatting. Hang washing out. Mankind has survived with parents getting chores done with toddlers and babies in tow for millennia.

My first thought on reading the above was that that poster could benefit from learning some better strategies for managing her toddler's behaviour. Obviously, all kids have their moments, but if the pattern that she describes is really typical of her day-to-day reality, she probably needs to shift something in her own approach to make life easier for herself.

In the 10 mins that posters toddler was trying to put their shoes on for, the poster could have got all the washing hung out and sorted.

Huge amounts of mother-shaming going on here.

I wonder what's behind it, why the need to shame people for not all being the same, for not being able to do the same things ir have the same circumstances?

And why the bizarre lies, pretending that for hundreds of years mothers have been made to look after children alone, when that's simply untrue? What's in it for people making up these stories, politically, socially?

It's funny because there are people on this site who chastise us for working rather than staying at home FT with young children, and yet we're the ones who don't seem to be making every single interaction with them into one huge big chore which we resent.

The extent to which people use sophistry to exaggerate their daily routine is incredible
There was a thread years ago that was hilarious. At one point a poster resorted to arguing they were so unbelievably busy because they were responsible for organising the family photos.

In general I find there's people in all parts of life who are prone to talking up every little detail and acting like they're so much busier than everyone else. I can never quite tell whether it's a permanent victim role or that they fetishise busy-ness. Once children are on the scene it makes it more noticeable.

Person A and B have identical mornings.

Person A's outlook: It's a nice day. We've been to the park to feed the ducks this morning, the kids have let off steam and then we've pottered at home and I've done some odd jobs.

Person B: We've had to go to the park this morning because it's so exhausting entertaining DC. Before we've even left the house I've had to check the weather, pack the coats, sort the wellies out, make sure there's snacks, then DC needed to go to the toilet before we left... Typical! Obviously once we got to the park I had to run around after them, check they didn't kill themselves, supervise them carefully at the duck pond. Find somewhere for snack and inevitably one of them got fruit shoot down themselves so I had to get that cleaned up. Then we had to load everything back in the car to go home...

@LolaSmiles Hmm, I think some of the Person B factor is just “explaining things on the internet”, isn’t it? I’m very much Person A in person, but if someone asked me on Mumsnet dot com for a breakdown of my morning, particularly in the context of, say, a thread about lack of time, or balance of chores, or tiredness when caring for small children, it might read like Person B. And the internet lacks tone – so someone might type a Person B explanation while quite happily chasing their toddler round the house, having fun, and be interpreted as angry and harried.