Do I have unreasonable expectations of SAHP role?

[Babysharkdodo123]

Currently on mat leave with 4 month old. 22 month old in nursery couple of days as no family around to help and wanted to keep routine.

Dog needed to go to vets this morning for routine boosters so I asked DH if he could take her as i would have to juggle both kids and dog. Appointment at 8.30am so before work. He said no "why couldn't I do it as he was at work earning the money" (for ref I only get SMP).

I then got asked what I was doing today (meeting friends new baby) which was met with "oh, I thought you could get through some of the laundry".

So AIBU that household maintenance ie dogs, drs appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping should be shared in non working hours? If I was at work and DCs in nursery then no one would be home to do all of these jobs so they'd have to be shared out. Just because I'm on mat leave I don't think it should be expected that I do everything and DH wakes up, leaves and earns money.

Thank you! And even if not going back to work, the first year of an infant’s life is a huge amount of work and change and energy. Even if someone is ordinarily a SAHP, that changes when they go on “maternity leave”.

I would expect all the housework to be done by you to be honest. You're the one with opportunity, then you get to spend lovely family time when oh is free without worrying about chores needed to be done. Best of both worlds, when you are back at work you split things.

Crunch time for this is when you go back to work. Will he then think it's reasonable for him to do/pay someone to do more of the drudgework? Or does he just think it's your role in life to scrub his pants?

Can you do the chores in the evening when he’s home so he can be with baby?

He can take the dog to the vets if it fits in around his work hours .
I work 5 ,12 hour shifts and my OH works the days I don't and looks after the kids . He never does laundry or any housework tbh, I find it so stressful that I come home after being on my feet for 12 hours and then have to to the laundry , bins, hoovering etc when I get in at night. However the kids are well looked after .
I spend all my days off deep cleaning and looking after the kids . I resent that he won't keep on top of the house while he is home.
However I would never tell him to stay in and do the laundry either.
Maybe you need a housework rota ,so that nobody feels like they are doing everything.

If your husband employed a cleaner, would he be ok if they turned up with their two under 3s in tow?

When I was a SAHP with small children, dp and I regarded looking after the children as my job. The same as we regarded his job. As he said once "If you weren't here I'd have to employ someone to look after the children."! Obviously because I was home, I did a bit more in terms of householdy stuff. And I tended to do more weeknight nights. But generally outside working hours everything was shared.

I see both sides OP, you guys need to sit down and work it out. The vet should have been booked for when toddler is in day care.. honestly if I asked DH to help in that scenario it would have been a no, it's manageable yourself. However I think the way he spoke to you was really shitty. This depends on the baby too, on my first mat leave there were weeks where I didn't even get to put things in the dishwasher all day, baby was that difficult. But DH understood because he'd come home and I'd hand him a crying baby while I ran around tidying then we'd swap. I gave up work a few years later and generally I got the 'downstairs' jobs done when I had small ones as I could work around them. Going upstairs to do cleaning etc was impossible sometimes so those jobs were divided.

I'm with you OP. Your job while on maternity leave is to look after the baby. To help their development and look after their wellbeing. Taking a baby and toddler to the vets is a ridiculous thing to try and do alone with animals that may be scared and unpredictable around your toddler. Your husband was rude to tell you what to do today.

The person who asked about leisure time has a good point but if all of your leisure time includes looking after 2 small children is it really leisure? You would need to count your child-free leisure time surely.

How much laundry is there? Is there a backlog?

Also OP if he has really unreasonable expectations and you are not getting a minute to yourself then point out that he gets a lunch break and he is welcome to come home and mind the kids for an hour and let you have your break.

Whatever about now, make sure you have a very clear list of who does what before you go back to work.

YABU

I don’t understand how you can’t shove in a load of laundry in, if you’re at home half of the day.

This is the same as the WFH argument.

If you’re the one at home and don’t have the commute into the office etc, then you should be the one doing the majority of the housework and cooking.

Just like if someone works PT, they should do more housework and cooking etc than the one working PT.

Once you are back at work FT then it becomes 50/50.

After work and weekends should also be 50/50 but most of the housework should have been done already.

The vets is more tricky as it depends on what time your DH starts work and how far the commute is etc.

Why can’t DH look after the kids whilst you take the dog?
Why would you need to take both kids if your DH is at home anyway?

You're both being a bit unreasonable.

He's unreasonable for thinking he can allocate you chores each day, but you're also unreasonable for thinking that all household stuff gets shared in non-working hours.

If the house is reasonably tidy overall then he might be being a complete arsehole. If the house is a tip most days and everything is backing up and one person is saying they can't do anything during the whole day they're at home then he might have a point.

I follow some interesting SAHP accounts and the dominant approach is having children involved in home chores and life is a good thing. Not just leaving the housework to another day because toddler needs 100% entertainment and stimulation (which is creating a rod for our own backs because then there's the threads like "my 5 year old won't play independently" and the replies ask "so when did you teach them to, because if you've been their sole entertainer for 5 years why would they know how to play independently")

YANBU. The alternative is that you put your baby and go to work. So you'd both have to share all housework, home childcare and pet duties outside of nursery hours. You've jointly chosen not to put your baby in nursery, so that you yourself can do the job of the nursery staff, and give your baby the attention and development opportunities they need. Would you expect nursery staff to ignore your child and spend that time sort out a dog at the vets or doing laundry? No. Okay, great if you manage to do a bit of housework, but that is not the reason your are on mat leave. You are on matleave to look after your baby, whilst enduring sleep deprivation and recovering physically and mentally from pregnancy and childbirth, not do everything in the house. Your husband thinks it's the 1950s. It's not.

Totally agree but I think you'll need a hard hat! It amazes me that people who choose to have two children can't cope, since when did it become so difficult? Even with a dog it can't be so hard to manage.

Odd comparison really. I wouldn't want a cleaner to be knocking back a glass of red, that doesn't mean its unacceptable for me to do the dishes in my own house with one.

Honestly I think the person on may leave should absolutely try and get the lions share of the housework done during the day. Not all obviously but staying on top of laundry etc. there absolutely is time when babies nap etc. then both parties can relax a little at the weekend .

In all honesty, if my partner was at home I'd expect everything to be kept on top of so general cleaning, admin, laundry and cooking done. I'd expect that if appointments fell during the day they'd deal with them. Bigger tasks would be done jointly, and tasks created by mess or activities outside of working hours would be picked up by both of us, depending on availability. This is how it worked when they were off furloughed and I was working. But then if there was something needing fetching from the shop, a trip to the post office etc etc it made sense for me to do it whilst I was driving home or on my lunch than them making a trip out specifically for it.

However, the crucial thing is that my partner agrees. We're on the same page completely.

This

The one at home does childcare and household chores whilst the other parent works.

If both parents work then other stuff should be shared.

@JudgeJ some people might have really easy kids that nap and others might have much harder work ones who don't. It's not always the same experience for everyone. OP point is she could do everything but why should she. He's a parent as well. He makes mess and uses the house. Why shouldn't he contribute. She hasn't said he's working 13 hours in a physical job, or 6 days a week etc. He can do the same as he would have to if she was also working.

Did your partner also have a baby and toddler to look after when they were furloughed? That feels like the main difference here. If she was just unemployed fair enough, yes she should do it all. But she's got her hands full with two small kids.

You have two children under two - it's a very busy time. I think all these people wondering why you can't "chuck in a load of laundry" have forgotten the reality of many four-month-old babies. I had a velcro baby who really couldn't be put down without her screaming, and there were times when the clean, damp washing would sit in the washing machine for days because I simply couldn't hang it out one handed (holding my baby in the other arm). I think your husband should help you when he can.

When will people realise that they essentially give up leisure time when they have a baby...at least at the beginning? Instead, so many parents complain, complain, complain. What did they honestly expect?

The person on maternity leave/SAHP should really be doing the bulk of the housework (if the partner is working full time). Some things can be shared and done on weekends.

You have two children under two - it's a very busy time. I think all these people wondering why you can't "chuck in a load of laundry" have forgotten the reality of many four-month-old babies
I don't think we have, we just know that however demanding babies can be it isn't beyond an adult to do some basic housekeeping through the day.

I'd be a bit irritated if when me and DH were doing SPL he told me that we should split everything domestic outside of working hours because he was too busy being dad of the century doing enriching activities so couldn't possibly do some laundry.

No. Just a chronic disability to content with. But it isn't difficult. Clean and tidy as you go. I work from home mostly and it takes me 10 minutes to run the hoover around upstairs. I clean the bathroom whilst the bath is running. I clean the kitchen whilst I'm cooking, and have the dishes sorted so it's just the ones we're eating off to clean after dinner. It takes me all of about 3 minutes to put a load of washing on. Then maybe 10 minutes to sort it and hang it out. Emptying the bin takes a minute. They only become big tasks if you leave them to build up.