Do I have unreasonable expectations of SAHP role?

[Babysharkdodo123]

Currently on mat leave with 4 month old. 22 month old in nursery couple of days as no family around to help and wanted to keep routine.

Dog needed to go to vets this morning for routine boosters so I asked DH if he could take her as i would have to juggle both kids and dog. Appointment at 8.30am so before work. He said no "why couldn't I do it as he was at work earning the money" (for ref I only get SMP).

I then got asked what I was doing today (meeting friends new baby) which was met with "oh, I thought you could get through some of the laundry".

So AIBU that household maintenance ie dogs, drs appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping should be shared in non working hours? If I was at work and DCs in nursery then no one would be home to do all of these jobs so they'd have to be shared out. Just because I'm on mat leave I don't think it should be expected that I do everything and DH wakes up, leaves and earns money.

I had 2 children 17 months apart dad left when the second was 2 weeks old never been seen again.
I was a SAHM for a while i just got on with things no help from anyone.
My home was spotless when the baby was a sleep my eldest would think he was helping with his little cleaning trolley so cute.
I learned to do all my DIY etc.
Ive always been a minimalist dont no if that helped.
when kids were in bed i was studying.
I had to make it work 20 years on i wouldent change a thing.
I did stay single though (irrelevant to the post).
But most of what you said many of mums do it every day with no help get little one ready for the day play school runs you can do the laundry use a hoover wipe table tops washing up thats normal daily to do list.

Argh honestly, this sort of thing triggers me so bad

No you're not being unreasonable at all

The 1950s called - they want their misogyny back

I mean you're there to look after the baby and a 22mo, you're not his fucking cleaner. If you weren't together who does he think would be cleaning his home and doing his laundry? Himself that's who.

@ASCCM

With a 4 month old!? I don't think so

Why should she when he can do it?

"This attitude" you mean, a backbone? Not wanting to be someone's doormat/skivvy?

I'm always mystified by these mums who can't manage to get things done with a baby, baby will cry it out down, let baby cry it won't kill them. I want to be doing enriching things all well and good but the laundry won't do itself
Same here.
DH and I did shared parental leave so we both know what life is like off work with a baby. Whichever one of us was at home did what they could around DC and the working parent came home and swapped out. Neither expected the house to be spotless, but neither of us wanted to be the person who left it to build up for the other.
The reason I think it worked was because neither of us let household stuff build up whilst claiming either it's impossible to do anything with DC around or we were too busy being doting enriching mother/father and we are at home to be magical and enriching for baby, not wash the dishes.

Honestly, I had two babies in two years and you lot these days have gone soft!!

it isn’t hard. It’s just life and organisation. I’m not saying she’s got to scrub floors, but not putting washing up or doing a bit of a tidy up is just lazy!

everyone so full of excuses ( or the bloody misogyny argument 🙄 boring )

You’re making a lot of assumptions here. Sounds like you had 2 easy babies that gave you plenty of time to do other things. Not all babies are like that. Or perhaps you just neglected your young children to prioritise housework?

Hahahaha I mean, they are both still alive and are perfectly functioning teens so I can only assume no permanent damage was done by me keeping my house clean and tidy and doing the washing whilst I was at home!

( MN is a hilarious place isn’t it!)

Bit harsh to say one neglected her children to do house work.
Just because one has a baby it dont stop them from doing the basics.
Please dont be rude.

I hate to say it, but there is definitely a kind of feebleness around some of the comments that I find very irritating. I took pride in having my shit together when mine were babies, of contributing to making a good life for all of us. It had fuck all to do with misogyny or pleasing my useless ex husband. I (with a capital I!) wanted to live in a nice home, wear clean clothes, eat good nutritious meals, have a good balance between time with the little ones and time for myself. So I did the things I had to do to make that happen. It wasn't all sunshine and roses but life isn't is it? My professional full time job certainly isn't!

It certainly is and you are a good sport to take that awful comment on the chin.

Assumptions are made on this thread by everyone. We don't know how easy or hard OP's children are. We don't know how much her husband is doing at home already. All we know is that SHE booked a dog appointment and INFORMED her husband via email that he needs to add it to his diary. We don't know what time he starts work and whether it would mean he would need to take a morning off to do it, in which case the money comment is perfectly justified.
We also know about the laundry comment but not a context in which it was said, nor the tone that was used to say it. It may have been simply that the laundry was building up for a while and he was hoping for some clean pants for tomorrow morning (hence, it would have been impractical for him to start the laundry in the evening as it wouldn't be dry by the time he had to get ready for work).
So why is it OK to assume that he is being an a-hole based on no information provided in the post?

We also know about the laundry comment but not a context in which it was said, nor the tone that was used to say it. It may have been simply that the laundry was building up for a while and he was hoping for some clean pants for tomorrow morning (hence, it would have been impractical for him to start the laundry in the evening as it wouldn't be dry by the time he had to get ready for work).
So why is it OK to assume that he is being an a-hole based on no information provided in the post?
This! He might be a grade A arsehole who thinks a woman's job is to keep the house pristine and have dinner on the table. Or he might be an entirely reasonable bloke who is frustrated at having to use more evening and weekend time doing basic jobs because it builds up all week because the whole week is dedicated to providing enriching activities to a baby.

Back in the day the men went to work and the women stayed at home with the children and did the housework.

Obviously times have changed for the better but those women presumably managed to do both the housework and the child rearing so why can't women today.

No I wouldn't expect your husband to do laundry when gets home. I don't think you should do everything but it is fairly normal for the person based at home to do more of the home chores. Not all but certainly some.

Booking the appointment for him before work us also ridiculous.

It is MN sooooo men are always gonna be wrong no matter what because they dont have a say in anything due to it being wrong or abuse but happy when he pulls in the pay cheek though.
And having a baby means the world stands still and you cant do anything because you have a baby.

Times have changed for the better but some women still blow my mind.
popcorn anyone

🍿🍿🍿

I am guessing they didn't have baby groups, mum coffee mornings and other "enriching activities" to rush to at that time. They also didn't have the misogyny excuse to wrangle out of basic household chores. Yes, lifestyles changed for the better for a lot of people but it seems like we completely lost any sense of perspective as a result.

Yes - this. He needs to stop the snarky comments but you also need to get some chores done when the toddler is in nursery. You can put a couple of washes through and do a quick bit of cleaning and still visit your friend, unless your baby is high needs. I managed that easily in between the school run for my older one.

@ASCCM working from home and doing those tasks is much easier I find than when I'm at home with the kids.

We have two children and I work but on the day I'm home with the kids, we do fun stuff, meet up with friends. My husband can put the wash on when he's WFH when I'm out with the kids. Why should a stay at home mother do everything at home? How can anyone actually think this is ok? That's a 12h day, every day.

It's about being a team. Your husband is being quite ridiculous really if he could do it before work.

I don't understand why your toddler is in nursery when they could be home with you unless you're going to use that time to also keep on top of the housework? A four month old only is really easy for a second time mum no?

@CarlaH back in the day, nobody had tumble dryers and washing machines, vacuums and dishwashers yet today everything is a massive 'chore'