Do I have unreasonable expectations of SAHP role?

[Babysharkdodo123]

Currently on mat leave with 4 month old. 22 month old in nursery couple of days as no family around to help and wanted to keep routine.

Dog needed to go to vets this morning for routine boosters so I asked DH if he could take her as i would have to juggle both kids and dog. Appointment at 8.30am so before work. He said no "why couldn't I do it as he was at work earning the money" (for ref I only get SMP).

I then got asked what I was doing today (meeting friends new baby) which was met with "oh, I thought you could get through some of the laundry".

So AIBU that household maintenance ie dogs, drs appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping should be shared in non working hours? If I was at work and DCs in nursery then no one would be home to do all of these jobs so they'd have to be shared out. Just because I'm on mat leave I don't think it should be expected that I do everything and DH wakes up, leaves and earns money.

I put my daughter in full-time nursery when I had my second baby. Stuff like sleeping when the baby sleeps, establishing breastfeeding, recovering from birth, etc, is fundamentally incompatible with also taking care of a toddler. Why shouldn’t OP use nursery to give herself a break? Fucking hell. And it really depends on the four month old.

I totally agree with this.
Just get on with its easier today than it was back then.

You'll have to direct me to where I said, or suggested, it should be the job of women. I said whoever is at home. And if the other person is out at work all day then the mess is unlikely to have been created by them.

Wow this is such a divisive topic! I never said I don't do chores/clean etc...in fact I never stop which is my issue! If I employed a nanny, I'd expect her to clean up any mess they make in the day and cook food for DCs. But I wouldn't expect her to put my washing on or clean my bathroom or cook mine and DH dinner. So why should a SAHP be expected to do all of the household chores in when the point of being at home is care for the children and recover from birth (a c section BTW).

I should also add that DH does pull his weight the majority of the time. But recently everything has fell to me which has coincided with him being promoted at work.

@TigerQueenie it's almost always the women who is at home though isn't it. And yes I assume OP and anyone who is at home cleans up after themselves and the kids as they go. But obviously her husband creates mess, the laundry for example. There's bigger jobs like bathroom, hoovering, bedrooms that need to be done. Why does he get out of that because he's lucked out by having a wife of mat leave?

I had a c section as well after the first 6 weeks walking like a bent stick i was fine and still done my bit.
4 months after a c section i was fine every one heals different but if your still walking half bent and cant cough with out it feeling like your insides are coming out you need to see a doctor .

I do think you have to pick up the slack a bit. You've basically listed all of the household jobs. No, you shouldn't have to do them all. But then they shouldn't all be shared while you are at home. For example, you could do the appointments, laundry and cleaning, but do the grocery shopping together or get it delivered. And share the cooking.

Well you weren't very clear op. You asked if yabu to expect the chores to all be done by you both in non working hours. No one has said you should do everything.

In my scenario it was the opposite. My husband did pretty much everything. He probably spent an hour a day on it then maybe the same later cooking. His estimates, not mine. Hoovering isn't a big job unless you're pulling out all the furniture whice nobody sane would expect to be done as routine cleaning. Cleaning the bathroom isn't a big job unless you're slovenly and don't tidy after yourself. Bedroom again, surely you just keep it tidy so it needs a wipe down and hoover once a week when you change the bedding, and that could be done by either of them in about half an hour whilst the other entertains the children.

If I were coming home from work everyday and having to start prepping dinner which could have been done by the person at home I'd be pretty annoyed. And I love cooking!

If the expectation is that all chores fall on you indefinitely then that needs stamping out asap because he'll probably fall into the trap of mentally writing off domestic stuff as your job. When you go back to work this will be a big issue.

If it's a situation where with the promotion the chore distribution has slipped too much one way whilst he gets used to the promotion then you both need to sit down and focus on how it's going to work.

I don't think it's unreasonable for someone who is at home to do some laundry though. Raising your own children in your own home is not the same as professional childcare.

And surely you don't assign an appointment to somebody else, you ask if it's OK for them to do it and if the time is convenient. I'd probably refuse to take the dog to the vet before work too.

And I also don't understand this absolute bullshit other posters have reeled out of spending the whole day doing laundry. Do you all load the machine and then stand waiting for it to run the cycle? Or do you spend the hour or so doing something else? Because my washing machine is running right now and I'm sat on my fat arse watching telly.

2 yrs after a c section follwed 10 days later by gall bladder removal, I still had mobility issues. The fact is it is different for everyone and having someone home looking after children and being responsible for all household duties is too much. He needs to do some too whether or not he is out earning money or not. I wld be making plans to get back to work sooner rather than later and getting him to take 6 mths and see how he likes it with condescending comments like the laundry one. You are not one of his minions

Because she's looking after a baby and a toddler which is much more demanding than working from home. There isn't a minute to do anything unless they are both napping at the same time.

I do my housework at night when my children are in bed.

I feel more with you than most PPs I think OP but I reckon that's cos whilst my two were under 1, they were both terrible nappers, so there werent usually nice long naps to use to get stuff done with like many other people have. Plus even when that DID occasionally happen, sometimes with DC1 I would sleep as was so exhausted and unwell (PND) and with DC2 well I usually had DC1 to entertain, who no longer napped. My kids also were not easy babies nor easy toddlers/preschoolers, I wasn't prepared to leave them crying for ages each day to do housework. I'm not sauinf other people do that but obviously if your child will sit in a bouncer happily watching you do chores well obviously it's easier to do chores isn't it? Neither of mine would and I wasn't leaving them crying whilst I did them. As first and foremost my mat leaves were to care for my kids.

I'm not saying I never did anything before people jump at me. My DC1 used to go to nursery twice a week so I'd often do some hoovering or clean the bathroom or sort the dishwasher when DC2 had a good nap on those days and likewise when I only had DC. I also did a few loads of laundry a week on both mat leaves as that doesn't take long. But that's about it and it depended on the day. We had a guinea pig with DC1, I certainly didn't do any vets appointments with her coming along, one of us would mind her and the other would go.

I dont want to say it but im gonna say it you sound very entitled.
You had a baby not the forth coming of christ.

Taking care of your kids is a 24/7 job with or without a husband.
Taking care of kids means having a clean home 4 months after a SC your stitches or staples are long gone you should have recovered a good bit by now if your still unwell see a GP asp. ( i had 2 SC)
But you can do a load of laundry a SAHM your not your on mat leave.
You dont have to sit with a baby all day you can leave them in a cot and get on with things.

This is what I'm thinking - people have forgotten what it's like. I know not all babies are the same but it can be so hard to get anything done with a 4 month old.

I am aSAHM to a toddler and can happily do all sorts of chores with my little one helping. But when DC was 4 months old I could barely put her down. And NCT meet-ups felt no more sociable than having work meetings tbh.

Absolutely agree with @Cornflakes44 , I’m on mat leave atm with DS2 who is a very demanding baby. Plus postnatal recovery which isn’t always easy, along with breastfeeding difficulties and my own mental health challenges… I envy anyone who can keep on top of a busy household with a 4 month old and a 22 month old, OP is likely to be on the go none stop with her two DC & although DH is working hard he is also a parent and needs to support his DW when he can. Not to mention OP is contributing financially with SMP, she is not a SAHM.

Let's reverse this: my DH is at home with the kids and moans if I ask him to keep on top of the housework whilst I work full time but he wants to just go for coffee or baby groups.
There'd be an uproar, calling him a cocklodger, ltb etc
When did women become so hopeless? unable to manage a baby and a house?
Millions of women cope alone and millions have done with more than 1 or 2 babies.

I’m currently a SAHP to a toddler and baby. Through the days, I meet other mum friends, take the kids to clubs/playgroups/soft play/the park, and do activities at home.

I do bits of housework when I have time (and usually slowly, since the toddler helps). Everything else is shared between me and DH on evenings and weekends.

My job is to look after the children, not to do everything around the house (though this would be different if I were still at home when they started school).

Why though? You could do it in the day and then also have a life / a rest! You’re making it harder for yourself!

The person on maternity leave should definitely do the bulk of the household stuff as they are there all day, if they can. I've 3 kids so know what it's like getting anything done with a young child under your feet, especially if you're tired or your baby doesn't nap, like mine didn't. I always did whatever I could, even if it wasn't much. Sometimes you can't as the baby wont be put down, but it's different from thinking 'why should I do a bit extra'? Maternity leave , in my personal opinion, is just so much easier and more relaxed than being in work and so I was happy to pull my weight as much as I could. Since I've gone back to full time work, I really feel the pressure of having to clean and do laundry etc in the evening.

There is a difference between maternity leave and SAHP. But even when SAHM/working part-time DH and I agreed that part of the reason being at home was being with the DC not ignoring them so I could do all the housework.

If DH walked past the laundry basket and it was overflowing he would put a load on not comment to me to do it

He said no "why couldn't I do it as he was at work earning the money" (for ref I only get SMP).

the answer to that is "Why can't you do it as I am minding our infant and toddler - and actually it is before you start work and earning all the money"

I can't imagine a situation in which dh would suggest I miss meeting a friend and instead do the laundry. That is one big red flag to me. If he feels strongly about the laundry being done immediately then he should do it.

I often think maternity leave is a mugs game where women end up doing all of the household chores etc and then - amazingly - when they go back to work find their partners/husbands are lazy gits who think it is the woman's job to scrub the toilet and do the laundry because it has been happening that way for a year.