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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I have unreasonable expectations of SAHP role?

560 replies

Babysharkdodo123 · 18/10/2023 12:01

Currently on mat leave with 4 month old. 22 month old in nursery couple of days as no family around to help and wanted to keep routine.

Dog needed to go to vets this morning for routine boosters so I asked DH if he could take her as i would have to juggle both kids and dog. Appointment at 8.30am so before work. He said no "why couldn't I do it as he was at work earning the money" (for ref I only get SMP).

I then got asked what I was doing today (meeting friends new baby) which was met with "oh, I thought you could get through some of the laundry".

So AIBU that household maintenance ie dogs, drs appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping should be shared in non working hours? If I was at work and DCs in nursery then no one would be home to do all of these jobs so they'd have to be shared out. Just because I'm on mat leave I don't think it should be expected that I do everything and DH wakes up, leaves and earns money.

OP posts:
Fogwisp · 23/10/2023 14:31

LolaSmiles · 23/10/2023 13:27

The extent to which people use sophistry to exaggerate their daily routine is incredible
There was a thread years ago that was hilarious. At one point a poster resorted to arguing they were so unbelievably busy because they were responsible for organising the family photos.

In general I find there's people in all parts of life who are prone to talking up every little detail and acting like they're so much busier than everyone else. I can never quite tell whether it's a permanent victim role or that they fetishise busy-ness. Once children are on the scene it makes it more noticeable.

Person A and B have identical mornings.

Person A's outlook: It's a nice day. We've been to the park to feed the ducks this morning, the kids have let off steam and then we've pottered at home and I've done some odd jobs.

Person B: We've had to go to the park this morning because it's so exhausting entertaining DC. Before we've even left the house I've had to check the weather, pack the coats, sort the wellies out, make sure there's snacks, then DC needed to go to the toilet before we left... Typical! Obviously once we got to the park I had to run around after them, check they didn't kill themselves, supervise them carefully at the duck pond. Find somewhere for snack and inevitably one of them got fruit shoot down themselves so I had to get that cleaned up. Then we had to load everything back in the car to go home...

I think it's a very different experience for A and B, probably depending on factors such as sheer exhaustion (which makes everyday tasks very difficult), how much security and support one has in life, and other life stressors.

Also, as the previous comment points out, B is often a response to questions or criticism, an explanation as to why they had no free time to do x y z.

Sayitaintso33 · 24/10/2023 10:24

Backagain23 · 19/10/2023 23:22

Nope, bollocks to that.
A full time job is only 40 hours per week.
If looking after tiny babies, toddlers, dogs and houses is so easy, it should be fine for someone only working 40 hours to get involved during the many hours a week they are not at work. Not a big deal.
If looking after tiny babies, toddlers, dogs and houses is hard work, then it's certainly unreasonable to expect one person to manage it all 24/7 and the parent who only works 40 hours outside the home can get involved during the many hours a week they are not at work. Not a big deal.
My mat leave was primarily for my babies, not to turn DH into a pampered prince who suddenly could not operate the washing machine or hoover since he had fathered a child.

Show quote history

Many jobs are far longer than 40 hours a week. If you've only ever worked in jobs where you didn't have to take work home then you've only had very easy jobs.

Backagain23 · 24/10/2023 20:26

Sayitaintso33 · 24/10/2023 10:24

Many jobs are far longer than 40 hours a week. If you've only ever worked in jobs where you didn't have to take work home then you've only had very easy jobs.

Show quote history

That's quite a leap to make.
I made no comment on how many jobs are 40 hours, just that 40 hours is a full time job.
I've worked 60 hours per week in the past actually, not that it's even vaguely relevant to the thread 😒
Still had to do my own laundry and housework, incidentally.

Sayitaintso33 · 24/10/2023 20:33

Backagain23 · 24/10/2023 20:26

That's quite a leap to make.
I made no comment on how many jobs are 40 hours, just that 40 hours is a full time job.
I've worked 60 hours per week in the past actually, not that it's even vaguely relevant to the thread 😒
Still had to do my own laundry and housework, incidentally.

Show quote history

What you said in your first post was a full time job is only 40 hours a week.

You contradicted that in your second post so we now agree that I was right which is good.

Backagain23 · 24/10/2023 23:20

Sayitaintso33 · 24/10/2023 20:33

What you said in your first post was a full time job is only 40 hours a week.

You contradicted that in your second post so we now agree that I was right which is good.

Show quote history

Was it news to you that 40 hours per week was considered a full time job? So is 41 hours. Or 39. Or 50.
There's 168 hours in every week though so still a smaller portion of time than a SAHP is going to be on the clock if they have a lazy partner, regardless of the particulars of an employment contract

Sayitaintso33 · 24/10/2023 23:30

What you said was a full time job is only 40 hours a week. You now disagree. It is not my fault you keep changing your mind.

Backagain23 · 24/10/2023 23:58

Sayitaintso33 · 24/10/2023 23:30

What you said was a full time job is only 40 hours a week. You now disagree. It is not my fault you keep changing your mind.

I haven't changed my mind once.
If I had stated "a full time job can only be 40 hours per week and not a moment more or less" and then stated "a full time job can only be (for example only, I feel the need to stress this as you seem not to be able to tell the difference between an example and a catch all statement) 45 hours" then yes, that would fall under the umbrella of "changing my mind".
I didn't. All I said was that 40 hours per week is considered a full time job. As was my job when I was working 60 hours.
Congratulations, this is possibly now the silliest non argument I have ever had on MN. I hope you can try to grasp what I said, I won't be derailing the thread further.

MissDani27 · 05/11/2023 13:12

Because he'd been harping on about having clean clothes and that when he comes in for work he just wants to chill. This was at a time when I was a community carer, so his excuse was that I was in the house more than him.

RantyAnty · 05/11/2023 17:09

Sayitaintso33 · 24/10/2023 10:24

Many jobs are far longer than 40 hours a week. If you've only ever worked in jobs where you didn't have to take work home then you've only had very easy jobs.

Show quote history

But do you also cook, clean, and do laundry?

Deborah54 · 06/11/2023 08:25

Sorry, but I think you’re being unreasonable. Even with 2 kids at home I managed the laundry, cleaning and other house stuff. When you’re back at work that’s different and should be shared.

As for the dog. Book an appointment that works for hubby after work or you when oldest child is at nursery. Surely you can push a pram and walk the dog.

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