Do I have unreasonable expectations of SAHP role?

[Babysharkdodo123]

Currently on mat leave with 4 month old. 22 month old in nursery couple of days as no family around to help and wanted to keep routine.

Dog needed to go to vets this morning for routine boosters so I asked DH if he could take her as i would have to juggle both kids and dog. Appointment at 8.30am so before work. He said no "why couldn't I do it as he was at work earning the money" (for ref I only get SMP).

I then got asked what I was doing today (meeting friends new baby) which was met with "oh, I thought you could get through some of the laundry".

So AIBU that household maintenance ie dogs, drs appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping should be shared in non working hours? If I was at work and DCs in nursery then no one would be home to do all of these jobs so they'd have to be shared out. Just because I'm on mat leave I don't think it should be expected that I do everything and DH wakes up, leaves and earns money.

I’m on maternity leave. I’m not taking on the bulk of chores because I’m on leave from my 9-5 job, not suddenly the 24/7 household skivvy. Keeping the balance to what it will be when I go back to work, otherwise you find yourself going back to work and still doing the bulk of household stuff.

The primary responsibility in maternity leave is to look after a baby, that’s your job. It has more hours and is higher stakes than his job: he should be supporting you and taking loads off your plate.

I may very well have missed something here but If you shared all the household chores between you outside working hours what would you be doing during the day while he is at work?
Are you thinking you should be doing leisure activities while he is at work then both of you do household tasks?

The mother is with the baby 24/7
Yet you expect her to do the bulk of chores on top of a 24/7 role?

I am a sahp, I do all laundry childcare etc I think that's fair enough, but no way would my dh have discouraged me from going out, or remind me about laundry, it sounds very much like he thinks he is your manager now that you are on home duties. I would be raging. The vet thing, whoever made the appointment should have made sure it was organised in advance who would do it.

I find it very useful for you to be unavailable one day and for your DH to be the SAHP that day. They will see quickly that it's not a walk in the park!

My first baby slept and napped very well so I hd plenty of time to do quite a bit of housework / dinner and laundry. My second baby slept badly and I was exhausted all the time and did the bare minimum - I think he did dinner every day to help me out. We also ended up getting a cleaner that time...

My DH would have taken the dog (cat in our case) to the vet, and would have done so when I was on maternity leave.

He would also never dream of advising me to get through some of the laundry, though he would mention if he wanted a specific thing washed by a certain date - I do the laundry, it's easier for one of us to be responsible for it as we don't have a tumble dryer, and at certain times of year things take a long time to dry and need to be moved about and us both trying to do it causes chaos. Or at least bad smelling washing which I can't stand.

Vet apt was organised two weeks ago purposely for before work and emailed to him to put in his calendar. He ignored email and never put it in.

As for what do I expect to be doing? Entertaining a toddler and a baby? What would a toddler do all day at nursery? I want to be taking them out to enriching activities not sat at home all day whilst I do laundry and cleaning! I'm totally not adverse to cleaning and laundry and do them all as I'm going along anyway. What I'm adverse to is the expectation that the SAHP does everything because the other parent works. Also, I do chores etc where I can when baby naps but during that time I also have to eat, shower drink etc. I don't see working parents having to use their lunchbreak to decide whether to shower, mop the floor or eat?

In our house we've changed roles at various times and regardless of income we value each others time equally. Income is an arbitrary measure of what your time is worth.
We are two equals.
So when I was sahp DH would go to work, we'd both work hard all day, in different ways, when he got home our evenings and weekends we both spent tackling the stuff that hasn't got done in the day. If you've spent one hour just trying to leave the house to run an errand but baby keeps throwing up on you every time you set foot out of the door, etc etc all that goes with having a baby, you can easily lose your whole day just meeting the basic needs of the baby never mind keeping on top of housework and other errands ... It isn't reasonable to be given a set of targets that doesn't account for that...
So, if all the unseen hidden stuff is being discounted from the picture it's not fair.
So long as you both are pulling your weight and no one is sitting on their are watching the other doing everything is fair.
That might mean he runs a domestic errand... Earning the cash isn't the same as working as hard as you necessarily so it's a stupid way to divide the load.

I'm seeing a few comments like this re "he did the laundry or cooking to HELP ME OUT". Did he not eat the food too? Maybe it's just my opinion of chores etc but if someone says "I did the mopping or vacuuming FOR YOU" it grinds my gears...they're living in the same house too?

Yes, but they have willies. It’s very important.

I think it's the way he's saying it in snarky comments and passive aggressive and the 'what are you doing today' loaded question.

When he's no real interest in what you are doing, he's just annoyed the laundry doesn't seem to be getting done.

It's the I'm the boss of you attitude or the Supervisor speaking to the lowly servant. That'd rile me too.

And the 'while I'm out earning money' dig at you.

I'd answer with 'It sounds like you think I've done something wrong?'

Is the laundry ACTUALLY piling up, or is he just using it to drive home the point he's making about what a terrible life he has and how everyone should feel sorry for him.
Hard to know unless we get more on that.

Also, should DH take the two babies to play golf during his "leisure time". Last time I looked attending a baby sensory class whilst fun is a far cry from leisure time!

Where can I get one of these Willies...sounds like they provide you with a get out of jail free card for life bahaha

Whoever made the appointment should take the dog. Why make it for a time you cannot commit to?

I do find it interesting that you expected him to take time out of getting sorted for work, to take the dog to an app, while you spend your day meeting friends. It doesn’t seem fair.

I agree that he's either an arse or living in total ignorance of what caring for a baby entails.

My first had terrible reflux and I spent the first 6 months soothing crying, changing nappies and mopping up sick, anything else was a minor miracle (I did plenty of other stuff but I busy a gut because I wanted to, and expectations on me were fair)
... if you're lucky you get a baby who is placid and self entertaining so can do more chores... My friend has one of those, but that baby was so contented it was left to lie on its back so much the back of it's head went flat!
Enriching your babies day, interacting and supporting development, caring for physical and emotional needs... All takes time. Your dh can pretend it doesn't but you'll break trying or baby will suffer.

Mat leave is to look after and bond with the baby, and recover from the birth, not to give the other parent licence to do nothing but earn money and sleep/ relax.

Yes you should do a reasonable amount of housework during the week, but not all. And the dog is a shared responsibility still surely? The working partner should do a similar at least as much as they would be doing if there were no kids in the picture - if you were both working and child free they’d have to pull their weight around the house and with pets- why should having kids in fact make their life easier?

There was a post a while ago called DH leaving me a list

He's obviously a bit jealous you're home with the kids all day having nice social life while he's at work. I'd address that with him
And make sure he feels appreciated too.

But also the timing of the vet appointment ought to have been discussed, not made for a time that would inconvenience the other person without any discussion .

Did you ask him if he could do the vet appointment before you booked it? Did you discuss it when you emailed him?

Look, I’m not saying you’re wrong that your DH sounds like he needs an attitude check but tbh, you also sound a bit aggressively combative.

It all sounds like a communication issue not a ‘chores vs work’ issue.

You should both have equal entirely free leisure time. If that’s not the case, work on that.

I've been both SAHM and a sole earner with my partner as SAHD. The absolute lion's share of housework was done by a non-working parent. Laundry/vet/cooking/the lot. Working parent needed to pick up after themselves and not to deliberately create a mess, the rest was on a SAHP. Child-rearing was split.

When I worked and my partner was at home, I did long hours and paid for everything. That was my input into family life. If I also had to do domestic stuff after work, late in the evening or early in the morning - then what on earth would have been the point of him? So me working, covering all the expenses, doing half the housework and half chilren-related stuff and him what? Playing with the toddlers? Hell to the no.

SAHP and on maternity leave are 2 different things though.

The former does take on the lions share. The latter is recovering from childbirth and going back to work so probably shouldn't fall into the habit of doing the lions share.

8:30 barely counts as before work, there is no way anyone can attend an appointment, drop the dog back off and get to work (even if wfh!) within that time window!
You shouldn't have booked it if you expected him to do it. You can't just choose when the appointment is, forward it to him and expect him to work around it by default. The reality is that it is much easier for you to take the dog to the vet than it is for him. Does that mean he never has to get involved? Obviously not, it's give and take but you both come across so combative I'm not surprised you're having problems.

You can meet friends new baby but cannot take your dog to the vet? Am I understanding that correctly?

I agree with your husband.

Very odd time to arrange a vets appointment. I'd have arranged it later, pref when dc1 was at nursery and just taken the dog and baby. Re laundry, surely you can put a load or 2 on AND meet friends baby, in the "working day".

I don't think a mum should do everything when on mat leave, but pet care and laundry are all part of day to day life. It's also perfectly feasible to take a pet to the vets with 2 children 🙄

TBH, once he said He expected me to do it cos he "is earning Money", then its game over im afraid. Not one JOT of housework would I do. He would have lost all privelages that me being at home would have afforded him. I wouldnt clean up, I wouldnt cook, I wouldnt shop. I would look after the kids and the rest could rot until he realised that I am NOT the help. That yes, i do the work needed, but out of kindness and love for our family.
Not cos hes the one with the willy.
Absolute gobhsite speaking to you like that and he would get such a wake up call he would rue the day he ever ever thought it was ok to think it never mind say it.
I tolerated ZERO of this crap from day one, and DH knew it. I was Very loud and Very clear in it.
dear god who are these wankers.