Do I have unreasonable expectations of SAHP role?

[Babysharkdodo123]

Currently on mat leave with 4 month old. 22 month old in nursery couple of days as no family around to help and wanted to keep routine.

Dog needed to go to vets this morning for routine boosters so I asked DH if he could take her as i would have to juggle both kids and dog. Appointment at 8.30am so before work. He said no "why couldn't I do it as he was at work earning the money" (for ref I only get SMP).

I then got asked what I was doing today (meeting friends new baby) which was met with "oh, I thought you could get through some of the laundry".

So AIBU that household maintenance ie dogs, drs appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping should be shared in non working hours? If I was at work and DCs in nursery then no one would be home to do all of these jobs so they'd have to be shared out. Just because I'm on mat leave I don't think it should be expected that I do everything and DH wakes up, leaves and earns money.

When I was on mat leave DH said you need to do something nice with your days, otherwise you may as well go back to work and get a cleaner and be better off.

It reframed how I look at what is valuable use of the time.

The person at home should do the lionshare of the housework AND childcare of under 3s. I’d be pissed off too if a stahp is socialising / taking kids to ‘enrichment’ activities but lets laundry pile up for weeks / doesn’t cook or clean the house. Being a mum is about more than the fun stuff - you need to create a good home environment for them too.

I don't know what the norm is nowadays, but when I was a SAHP I expected all things domestic that needed doing during the week to be largely down to me.

So childcare, laundry, housework, shopping, cooking, Dr appointments for the children, getting the children to and from school, helping with homework, managing the children's clothes, arranging "play dates" (though they weren't called that back then) etc were all down to me.

DH's role was primarily to earn the money to pay for all our outgoings. My role was to manage everything else. It seemed to work.

@TigerQueenie I'd like to see how long all those tasks take when you have a toddler and baby in tow. A minute to put the bins out is a vast under estimation. As far as I can tell OP isn't saying she doesn't do any cleaning etc but that she doesn't think she should do it all. If it's so simple and easy why can't her husband run round the hover in 10 mins or do the bathroom while running the bath? Or is it only women who must constantly multi task, run round doing it all?

I would expect the shop to do the main housework . However, it’s also important to go to mother/baby groups, visit friends etc.

However, dh should also realise that you have a baby in tow and so don’t have some much free time etc. also, evening stuff should be shared.

Yes I would expect a sahp to take on the bulk of household tasks.
I would have booked the vet appt at a time where one of us could take the dog and the other could stay at home with the dcs. I hate having ‘jobs’ to do before going to work so wouldn’t put that on anyone else.

I would have arranged the vet appointment at a different time,
08.30 am is not a good time for a routine appointment.
Who made the appointment?
Proper time management avoids a lot of issues in arranging day to day life

I have two under two. Jobs don’t take a minute to do. The toddler has to ‘help’ me with everything so even small ones hints take forever. He managed to help me yesterday by adding a red vest to my white wash. Some days baby is super clingy so every thing I do is with one arm.
10 minutes to hoover…hilarious there are usually toys left around that have to be picked up first and then someone starts looking for attention etc. I usually cook dinner but it’s no guarantee if one of them is sick for example.
My DH cares more about coming home to well looked after children than a show home.

I was sahp for 6 years. And I did the vast majority of housework and childcare related stuff.

Although at those ages I definitely didn’t have my shit together particularly, so DH absolutely had to step up and be involved with bedtime, cooking, cleaning etc because looking after a toddler and a small baby all day is very hard work and unpredictable, and it’s also a 24 hour job.

Most likely I would’ve booked a vet appointment for when DH could definitely do it, or when toddler would be at nursery. I agree, taking 2 little ones and dog to vet would be a challenge and I’d avoid that if I could.

You're not unreasonable, being a STHP means you do an 8 hour child care shift. It doesn't mean you take on board all mental load and home care. Yes of course ideally if you get time you do a bit of washing or cleaning but you're still 2 people working jobs that need to come together and look after the home and the people/animals in it.

Well it is clear there will be another generation raised to treat women as second rate citizens! When I was on maternity leave my "job" was to keep myself and baby safe - the housework was split down the middle. I certainly would not take on more than 50% , why should I ?

If they lived alone they still would have laundry, housework etc. I am glad my two sons are raised here hopefully they will emulate their father, who always did 50/50.

I've happened to work with some of the best child-development experts in the country. In fact, I spent some of the visit sat on the floor of her kitchen playing with her toddler sorting socks.

A lot of child development and enrichment comes from ordinary home life, not baby sensory etc. In fact an early family anecdote about me involves me being furiously keen to vacuum.

So I do raise an eyebrow at the idea one has to be engaged in enriching and stimulating activities out of the home.

But really, you guys need to get out of this combative zone where you're both knuckling down on hardline positions. Neither of you are 100% right.

I mean to be fair, OP hasn't said that she never expects to do any laundry/housework at all as a SAHP. Just that she also would like to go out to coffee and not spend the entire day working through laundry.

I would say that I do both - and most SAHMs likely do. There are laundry and catch up on housework days. There are coffee days. There are days when you go out to coffee, run a few shopping errands and then stick a wash on when you get home. There are days where you're absolutely wrung out and exhausted and can't do anything but hold the baby because they are teething or have caught a virus from the toddler.

You're right she hasn't said she doesn't expect to do any, but she has also said that it should be split in non-working hours because she's far too busy doing enriching things for DC to do laundry.

It doesn't do children any harm to not have one parent being an endless all singing, all dancing entertainer with all the trips to different classes. I'm always amazed on threads where there's dozens of posters claiming it's absolutely impossible for a KS1 age child to play independently for 30 minutes now and then, with the suggestion that any parents who have children that do are blessed with naturally independent kids. In reality those parents have probably chilled the fuck out when the kids were younger and realised that their toddler isn't deprived if mum has a cup of tea for 10 minutes or they don't have her full attention because she has something in the house to do.

In OP's situation it could be that DH is an arsehole expecting her to spend a whole day slaving over laundry. It could equally be that the laundry, and other house stuff, is building up because making memories/going to groups etc is always used as an excuse not to do stuff. None of us know.

When I was a SAHP, my plan was always to make sure there was as little as possible of the householdy stuff to do at the weekend. Then DP could spend time with his children-surely it's better for him to do that than hoover? Both for him and for the children? And I could have time for me. Or we had time to do things together. Who wants to do housework when you've got babies to play with? Obviously this only works with a dp who actually wants to spend time with his children!

I don't really think it's as simple as sharing all the chores in non working hours. That will surely just create far more chaos than necessary and who will watch the children whilst your both doing your share of chores every evening?

Yes dh should help but then he should also spend time with the children in the evenings.

The dog issue I just find odd. I don't understand why you wouldn't just do it during a day one child is at nursery if you can't manage it with both children in tow, but then I think if people can't manage their own kids to do everyday things, there's probably a problem a bigger problem somewhere.

Also don't understand why you can't chuck a wash on either tbh.

If people have decent systems in place and any bit of hustle about them at all it is surely entirely possible to do both while on maternity leave - keep more or less on top of household stuff AND have a decent amount of time to gad about, flake on the sofa, etc. When mime were younger, I had a pretty large house and an ex who did very little and things were pretty ship shape without me feeling in any way put upon. I am not being smug, or at least I hope not, but I just blitzed the housework in X length of time most mornings, then headed off or had visitors or chilled out with the kids, then did another few things around the house plus cooked dinner so that by the time the children were bathed and in bed, I could relax. Weekends were mostly relaxed unless doing gardening work or DIY. I look back on those days with real pleasure in lots of ways, especially now that I gave to fit everything in around a full time job.

I'm always mystified by these mums who can't manage to get things done with a baby, baby will cry it out down, let baby cry it won't kill them. I want to be doing enriching things all well and good but the laundry won't do itself.

It’s a joint effort!! when my dh worked and I was sahp he would be putting a wash on and tidying before he left for work each day then every evening before bed he would clean the kitchen and tidy up the toys so that in the morning it was clean and tidy. He would even prep the bottle for ds in the morning and bring it up with a coffee for me as well. Sometimes made me a packed lunch (I’m not lazy he just used to work v long hours and our older dc have Sen so it is difficult). At weekends he would be doing things with the dc or round the house too .

I don't like how he's said it and it completely depends on your health and the type of baby you have. But I would certainly expect to be putting laundry on as a sahp and probably putting dinner on the table too. The rest would depend on circumstances.

But it sounds like the dynamic is off between you and you need to get back to work for this to resolve.

You are at home and I don't think you spend all of your time dotting on two children. I don't see any issues with you putting a load on. It's not like he asked you to wash everything by hand in a bath tub. Put it on and go see your friend.
Did you book an appointment for the dog without agreeing the time with your partner? If I book something I expect to do it. If I want my partner to do it, I ask him when would be a convenient time for him. It's just common decency and has nothing to do with who does more or less around the house.
Outside of working hours chores and childcare should be split evenly as much as possible BUT, if one person is working from home (whether it is a paid job or childcare), then doesn't it make more sense for them to do slightly more than the other during "working hours"?

Why couldn't you take the dog? I used to take our two cats and the dog to the vet when I had two under two. I've never understood this attitude.

I have 2 DC (2 and 9 months) and I'm SAHP. When they were both younger they were too full on for me to do much of anything. When DD was coming closer to 1, it was getting easier to do things around the house but I was then also pregnant with DC2. Now he's 9 months it's getting easier again and I can do washing, hoovering, washing up etc. but at 4 months old, it was so hard. Even with them in carriers.
Whilst it does make sense that a SAHP does a bit more in the house, you're not a housekeeper. You're a stay at home parent, parenting kids NOT a housewife.

My DH doesn't moan about anything I don't do in the house and why would he? I'm not a maid, I'm not working to take care of our kids, not to sit around and do nothing all day long.

Plus, you're on mat leave so ignore him or tell him to do it himself.

Trying to do anything with 2 kids plus a dog is hard work so I don't think you were unreasonable to ask him to take the dog to vets instead of you dragging the kids along.

You’re not a SAHP, you’re a mum who’s on maternity leave.

What does he think will happen when you go back to work? Who will be his skivvy then?