To think maybe I've got my life priorities all wrong?

[Boodge]

I took a big promotion at work last year which came with a 50% pay rise and a heap of extra responsibilty. I'd only recently gone back to full time hours following my youngest starting primary school. It's been bloody hard work - steep learning curve, high-pressure deadlines. I still feel like I'm only just about doing enough to not get sacked.

I've just finished a really challenging week - goodness knows how many hours I've worked, I've been glued to my laptop day and night and over most of the weekend. DH is also really busy and has been out of the house a lot with work.

DC have watched far far too much TV because we've not had time to do anything else with them or I've got ratty with them about the amount of mess and noise they're making. They've missed out on some of their regular activities because I've simply not had the time to take an hour or two out to take them there. The house is in even more carnage than usual, which is saying something.

Is this just normal life? I feel so guilty for my DC who just don't get enough of us. Part of me wants to step back from this but I would feel like a failure.

Can you discuss workload with you manager? Do you get paid for all these extra hours or take time off in lieu? How long is this likely to continue? If a few months, what would be the consequences to your family life?

It’s not really a “discuss it with your manager” kind of a job - I’m in a senior position, have targets to hit which I’m not hitting so often have to flat-out to try to sort it out. I can work as flexibly as I like in theory but in practice there’s never really enough let-up to take time much in lieu.

I’ve only had a few weeks in the last year which have been this bad, but normal is still pretty busy.

1. Quit
2. Lower your overheads drastically
3. Get lower paid, easier job with shorter hours.

Life is too short.

It wouldn't be my choice, or indeed DHs, and there's not a chance in hell I'd make myself do something I didn't otherwise want to do or enjoy so I didn't feel like a failure. That feels like a mugs game, though that's only my subjective view.

That said, do you and DH actually want to do this? If so, it might be possible to make things work better.

You have the power to change things. Look around at your peers - how many in a similar position do as much childcare and housework, for example? If it's a really senior position people tend to outsource those things to give them time to work. If that's not what you want, drop your hours/grade and have less cash but more time.

Welldone on the promotion!
You're probs in the adjustment phase now, it will likely get easier once you have settled into it.

Can you outsource anything with the extra income? Cleaner, ironer, cook, online grocery shop, childminder to take kids to classes?

It's sounds awful for everyone involved. I'm sure you'll get a few 'but what about dad' comments. It sounds like he's working hard too.
The question is Do you love your career enough to sacrifice a happy home life?
The kids shouldn't be missing out on so much. They need to have a full and enjoyable childhood and a good relationship with their mum and dad.
One of you has to reduce their hours. Do you want that to be you? To me, life is too short and your kids childhood is too short, to live like this.

Where is your DH in his career? Did you take care of the mental/physical load prior to this job? if so then it is his turn.

Outsource as much as you can - get a nanny if you need to - I assume with the payrise this is a reasonable financial option.

We live comfortably within our means so my extra income goes on nice to haves or saving. I don’t need to do this financially.

Is it just that trying to be successful is hard work?

I have the afternoon off with the DC (having just got through a deadline) and I am so dog tired I can’t think of a thing but going to sleep.

Depends what you mean by successful!

But it doesn't surprise me that the life you describe here has left you feeling exhausted. I'd certainly want to be throwing money at options to make life easier, if you both choose to stay in your roles.

Believe me OP, life is worth MUCH more than working flat out! Ask yourself, if one of your children was killed tomorrow, how would you feel about the time you've spent with them recently? I can tell you now, you would NEVER forgive yourself!! I know that sounds overly dramatic, but it could happen. In my opinion you definitely have your priorities wrong, and it doesn't even sound like you're enjoying the job, it's simply piling more stress and pressure on you AND your family. My personal feeling is that all of us should work to live, and NEVER live to work!! You clearly don't need the extra money, as you were presumably managing fine before the promotion. I think it's likely that in the moment you were seriously flattered, and amazed that YOU were the one they chose to promote, but now you're seeing what it's really about, and it doesn't sound like it's what you want. My advice would be to tell your employer that the job has turned out to need more from you than you are prepared to give, and your family is suffering because of it. Ask if you can do something with less responsibility, and if not, quit and get something with a much more even work/life balance. Please don't waste these precious years with your kids, you'll regret it if you do.

What does ‘success’ look like for you? If you can define it that’ll help.
I quit a highflying job for a four day week. Zero regrets. We can afford nice things and I’m not stressed, can spend lots of time with family, get in 3/4 gym sessions a week and two evenings at a hobby I love. That, to me, is far more important than the job I used to have.

This thread is astonishing.

You have a husband?

Why the hell has he not adapted to support your career? Why the hell are you default childminder and housekeeper?

There are actually people here telling you to give up your work?

Fuck Me.

What's that saying?

20 years from now the only people who will remember that you worked late are your kids?

I don't have a high flying corporate job but I have recent dropped down 2 bands at work and completely changed jobs so I'm no longer doing shift work. I want to be able to drop the kids at daycare/school, go to work, then pick them up and come home and spend time with them before they are older and only interested in their friends, then I'll look at working back up the management chain.

You need some help. I would personally recommend a cleaner and then someone to drive the kids to their activities instead of quitting.

Everyone on Mumsnet says you can both have high powered jobs, just up the childcare but that must be horrible for the Dc.

Meh! I worked as little as I could to spend time with DC and parent them in a loving and happy way when they were little.

We weren't rich but we were ok. They were happy. Kids need their parents and we need to be not dog tired. Think about what you want your definition of success to be.

I'd it's more money then fine but if it's more about being a present parent then choose that and sod preconceptions of "success"

And I bet there have been plenty of occasions where you have put DH's career first. Considering it's a new job and you're just learning the ropes, he should support you now.

I'm not convinced about the value of imagining dead kids, but leaving them to sit in front of the TV over the weekend - only to be told off for making a mess and noise, probably wasn't what you had in mind when you chose to have kids. It sounds miserable.

In your position, in all honesty I'd quit work for good.

I've never cared about status or prestige. Happiness and doing stuff you love with people you care about is far more important.

If you weren’t flat out so much, would you like the job? Because probably the flat out bit is going to get somewhat better and a job you enjoy, as the kids get older will be a boon (also, the money). But if you don’t get anything out of it other than a pay check, start looking for something else.

When did I say I was? He also has a busy job and MORE THAN pulls his weight. If anyone is the default childminder and housekeeper it’s him.

My kids are adults now, and I can tell you that you'll never look back and think fondly of all the time you missed with them and spent on work because of some job. And it's just a job, no matter what you do.

BTW, your "raise" isn't really a raise at all when you have to work 12+ hours a day to get everything done. Your company is taking advantage of you and they know it.

You don't get the high wages without some form of sacrifice, so this isn't going to change.

Many families adapt to this successfully, particularly when the children get older but it sounds to me like you have a while to go before the parenting responsibilities reduce.

No one here can advise you whether you should quit or not, but do listen to your gut on this. It is a finite time while the kids are young, there is no going back and being comfortable with how you are spending that time is critical.

@Boodge Is it just that trying to be successful is hard work?

Surely this is obvious OP? Nothing worth doing is easy, as they say

If it's one week a year like this, no big deal. But if this is a common occurrence or constant, no I would never miss out on time with my children.

I don't want to look back one day and regret time spent with them because yes they need a roof over their head but it seems as if your old job was already giving you a comfortable lifestyle. Children need your time and attention.

When you die, your job title is not going to be on your headstone, no one cares about that. Your loved ones care about you,