To think maybe I've got my life priorities all wrong?

[Boodge]

I took a big promotion at work last year which came with a 50% pay rise and a heap of extra responsibilty. I'd only recently gone back to full time hours following my youngest starting primary school. It's been bloody hard work - steep learning curve, high-pressure deadlines. I still feel like I'm only just about doing enough to not get sacked.

I've just finished a really challenging week - goodness knows how many hours I've worked, I've been glued to my laptop day and night and over most of the weekend. DH is also really busy and has been out of the house a lot with work.

DC have watched far far too much TV because we've not had time to do anything else with them or I've got ratty with them about the amount of mess and noise they're making. They've missed out on some of their regular activities because I've simply not had the time to take an hour or two out to take them there. The house is in even more carnage than usual, which is saying something.

Is this just normal life? I feel so guilty for my DC who just don't get enough of us. Part of me wants to step back from this but I would feel like a failure.

Work Life Balance is the most important thing to me. I’m only looking at one more promotion at work for this reason. Don’t want the extra responsibility and stress.

It sounds like you’re realising too what’s important to you.

Can you go part time in your role and job share? If not I’d look for another job even if it’s less pay.

OP I think it's hard to be a high flyer without putting in the hours. Personally I bottled it. I passed up the chance for a senior manager role (shortly pre kids) because I didn't think I could handle the stress. I respect and admire people who succeed in high end career jobs but it does force you to make sacrifices and hard choices.

Do you think it will get better as you learn the role? Will you get periods of relative downtime?

Try to imagine what the medium term future looks like. Maybe if you stick it out in this role for 18 months you could aim to move sideways into something that's a similar seniority but with a better work culture.

I long since stopped trying to be 'successful' at work when DC came along. And that was 20 years ago! Good enough is fine. And stress free is even better.

It wouldn't be my choice. I love my job but I reduced it dramatically to be with my son. I don't want to have any regrets about missing moments with him. I always try to think about 90 year old me, what would I think looking back?

But no one can answer it for you.

This.

@Boodge it is exhausting.

However I found that I was also exhausted during periods when I worked fewer hours, or in a less pressurised job, and the worst exhaustion was when I was full time at home and not working.

For me, the difference was that in paid employment I got some time to at least drink a cup of coffee while it was hot, a 5 minute chat with another adult that wasn't interupted by someone needing a poo or having a fight. In higher level posts we had some cash to pay for the things that either dh or I hated (cleaning for me and ironing for him).

In full time senior level roles I had more flexibility at work than in any junior roles. So more ability to respond to calls from school for emergency pick ups (as did dh).

The husband has clearly not taken any initiative wrt the house, which looks even worse than usual according to the OP, and he clearly expects the fairies to pick up the slack with the children too.

Sorry to have to say this again but this couldn't be ANY further from the truth.

Do you like your job? Does it bring u fulfillment? What would you prefer for your life? I wouldn’t quit just out of guilt. Outsource all you can and spend your spare time having quality time with ur kids. Having grown up with parents who worked a lot, with friends whose parents also worked a lot, we all turned out fine and I really respect them for working hard and being successful, especially my mum. I don’t think I would have liked my mother being a housewife. Your kids probably won’t want to be around u much once they are teenagers so it’s not a good idea to give up a job just for them in my opinion.

Thanks eveyrone for the advice, a lot ot think about.

As someone said earlier, I'm aware that having the choice of whether I need to work this hard is a priviledge. Plenty of people don't have the option, it's about keeping the roof of their heads and food on the table. But it does beg the question if I don't NEED to do this, then why exactly AM I doing it?

I should say I'm not some major high-flyer here - it's a senior management job but nothing out of the ordinary.

On the role itself - there's certain pressures that are baked-in. I moved from a delivery role into business development, and when you've got to get a bid in for a multi-million contract, you've got to throw everything at it and the deadlines are outside your control. There's limited scope to delegate.

We do need to outsource more at home. We lost our cleaner ages ago and everything has got so out of order I don't feel the house is 'cleaner ready' - we've got so much tidying to do!

This week has definitely been unusually shattering, but even when it's not exhausting hours I feel like it takes a lot out of me. I've got some mental health stuff going on which predates this job and I find being in "work mode" very draining - I get to the end of the day or end of the week and feel completely mentally spent.

I think a lot of my (pretty shaky) self esteem is built on being the clever one, the capable one, the one who was going to go on to do great things. But maybe that's not actually who I am?

OP you said you would feel like a failure if you stepped back from work, a failure to whom? Would you consider how things are going now a success?

Your kids don't care how much you earn or what you do, so long as they get some time with you. So who are you trying to impress here?

Do you actually like your job? If it's something you enjoy or get some real satisfaction from then maybe find a way to make it work, but if you just want the big job with more money for the sake of it, have a think about why that matters more than being stressed out and miserable day to day.

There are plenty of other jobs out there that don't demand this kind of sacrifice.

As a parent of a 20 and 18 year old, they may not know it but I believe your teens need you to be around more than ever.

Agree.

From what you say OP, this job isn't particularly important or even prestigious, you don't need to do it and there's an MH concern. In that situation, the only reason I'd be busting my arse would be if I liked it. For personal enjoyment and fulfilment.

Does that apply here, or might it apply once you and DH have managed to streamline things a bit? If so, great. If not, honestly it sounds like a mugs game to me.

What is astonishing is your assumption that the OP is the main childcare provider. She has not said that. You've just revealed your stereotyping and judgement

@Heatherbell1978
Sounds like the husband isn't the issue but I'm with you. Real head in hands here as women tell another woman she should give up her successful career or 'tone it down' to focus on the house and kids. Crikey.
The OP says her dh more than pulls his weight. The OP is stressed and miserable. Can't women put their mental health first ever?

My worry would be if you carry on like this you will burn out and not be able to work / parent at all.

Also no one is particularly interested or impressed by other people’s jobs so only do it if you enjoy it / need to do it.

Personally walked away from a huge stressful high paid job as couldn’t face doing that with kids too. Now do something much more rewarding and flexible. Life’s too short.

how about day boarding if you can afford it. Don’t give up work

It doesn't have to be a giving up work situation. From what OP says, it's this particular job that's the problem. Lots of other options between leaving the workplace entirely and doing a job that leaves you bone tired and worried for your mental health.

I think success means different things to different people and I'm sure some people will say nicer cars, holidays and houses are worth it.

But the most precious thing to us is time but having lost both parents quite early that was really rammed home to me.

I know this is an outlier but I think if anyone of us dropped dead tomorow have we done our best for each other and for the dc.
But I've had people drop dead. Sounds dramatic but time flies

Yes there is a happy medium between no job at home baking and flogging yourself and not seeing your kids when they are young.

I used to work round the clock international travel etc the thought of a job like that with a child makes my blood run cold.

I think a lot of my (pretty shaky) self esteem is built on being the clever one, the capable one, the one who was going to go on to do great things. But maybe that's not actually who I am?

Sometimes we need to move sideways before moving upwards. Maybe this just isn't the right role for you.

Is the job unmanageable or is it a poor fit for you?

Those type of hours are unsustainable and it sounds like you could regret doing this while the kids are so young.

I think you and your husband need to sit down and agree a way forwards that means you both get family time and time to unwind.

In the blink of an eye your kids will be gone. no longer living at home off at college, uni or work. I really do not understand having kids if you are too tired or too busy to spend time with them. you are working for the extras and nice to haves but whats the point of them if you are too exhausted to enjoy them? there are many other job options out there. you maybe wont earn as much money but you will be just as fulfilled and more importantly spend time with your kids. kids dont remember the big christmas presents or the new phones or the material rubbish. they remember the days out, the impromptu picnic, the rainy camping evening, the staying up to watch the stars. You need to change job and recognise that as women we cant do everything for everyone and ourselves all the time and that something has to give. in this case, its your job.

I also think it's worth having a bit of counseling to work through your heavy emphasis on professional success to prove your worth. I relate as this definitely impacts my life too.

You are undoubtedly very intelligent and able to get to where you are. You've proved yourself beyond what most people are able to. Now it's time to make a choice based on what you WANT rather than what you should do to prove yourself.

Fwiw it's a false narrative. Most people won't care one bit about whether you're an administrator or a senior manager, it's you who cares.

Can you forward plan with your DH so that you can cover for each other at busy times.

I’m not sure you’d be happy if you gave up a brilliant career for baking. Kids spend most of the day at school anyway, and what will you do in five years time when they are teenagers? Sit at home regretting you lost opportunities