To think maybe I've got my life priorities all wrong?

[Boodge]

I took a big promotion at work last year which came with a 50% pay rise and a heap of extra responsibilty. I'd only recently gone back to full time hours following my youngest starting primary school. It's been bloody hard work - steep learning curve, high-pressure deadlines. I still feel like I'm only just about doing enough to not get sacked.

I've just finished a really challenging week - goodness knows how many hours I've worked, I've been glued to my laptop day and night and over most of the weekend. DH is also really busy and has been out of the house a lot with work.

DC have watched far far too much TV because we've not had time to do anything else with them or I've got ratty with them about the amount of mess and noise they're making. They've missed out on some of their regular activities because I've simply not had the time to take an hour or two out to take them there. The house is in even more carnage than usual, which is saying something.

Is this just normal life? I feel so guilty for my DC who just don't get enough of us. Part of me wants to step back from this but I would feel like a failure.

Is success only measured in having a high flying career? Genuine question. For some people this is really important and I respect that.
For me I have to have a balance. I love my job. I am where I want to be but I know I could progress. However, for our family, now isn’t the right time. I want to be present and to enjoy the time with my children (before they are old enough to not need me). And I don’t want unnecessary stress to effect us.
do a pros and cons list and decide what’s important for you and your family.
my career has meant I deal a lot with dying people or bereaved families. Not one of my patients have said to me “I wish I worked more”. So I live by that standard. I work to live. I don’t live to work. Hope it works out for you op x

Agree. Otherwise fast forward 8 years. You will have teenage children who won't want to be hanging about at home, a busy husband with a high flying job - and you just bored, stuck in a mediocre job that doesn't challenge you or get you the pay you deserve because you chose to put others first all the time.
Congrats on your promotion!

It really is very individual to each person. I lost 3 very close family members (inc one who was 33) before I turned 25. I decided that working 60+ hours a week was not the life I wanted. I have a professional qualification which allows me work work part time but still earn a decent amount so in that I am lucky. I could earn a lot lot more probably 3x my salary if I wanted but I want to enjoy a more simple life.

I don't want to come across as an arse I realise I am in a privileged position due to what I do and DH having a good job too.

But our out goings are pretty frugal. We do have nice things and nice holidays but top clothes/ car/ 5* villas/ tech are not things we do have.

I am a SP so it is a different scenario in some ways - I didn't have a choice not to work (same for many even if not SP) and the moment it hit me that I "can't get round to doing that tomorrow" was when my eldest left for uni.

There were so many occasions throughout the hard labour of working and bringing up children where I would think of things I'd like to do for them - ranging from taking them out in muddy puddles to having a midnight feast to teaching them how to use cleats on a bike (!) that I just never got round to because there was no time / I was too knackered. And then, the day he left for uni, that was sort of it, there would be no time now to teach him new things, do the stupid fun activities, the game was up and he was off out into the world.

I am actually fine with it even though it was upsetting to realise that. I think I did enough and really the only question here is 'do you feel like you are doing enough? Will you be happy when they leave home that you did the things you wanted to with them?

I took time out, part time work when mine were young and always took them to school and collected them. Once they were teenagers and could sort themselves out I rebuilt my career. Despite having them in my 30s, there was still enough time to work myself up to a senior position.
Enjoy your children while they’re young, there’s plenty of years left for work.

Cleaner, house keeper, nanny

Sorted

So you think they should both just quit work and live on benefits? Or is this a unilateral decision only she's entitled to make?

And she said the EXTRA money is for fun, not her whole wage

Honestly it sounds like you stepped up too quickly.
You're not meeting deadlines and then you're having to nearly kill yourself to catch up to push through adequately enough to keep your job.

Maybe you're just not ready

I couldn’t personally live like that as the norm. Of course occasionally do extra hours but I’d always take them back. No one dies wishing they’d worked more. You don’t get your kids at this age again: and important to make time for them and for your marriage.

I'm a lone parent with a high stress career. My advice is take the rough times you have to ride out but when things are a little bit slower you take advantage and hang with the kids.

What I mean is it's ok for them to be online with their mates and watching TV when you are maxed out. Sometimes there are days when you can stop at 3pm and think, whilst you could do that other bit of work I'm going to take the kids out for pizza or a movie etc.

And honestly the thing my DD14 loves is the big holidays and that she is really happy at her private school.

I'm sorry but I think it's totally worth it.

disclaimer: I became a SAHM because the juggling did not work for me. I resented not having the extra time and flexibility I needed for work, and I didn't want to miss on my kids. That said,

If this is your current schedule, you simply need more help to make it work, and I don't mean your husband who is just as busy.

Cleaner obviously, but someone like an au-pair who can drive your kids to activities, make them diner, take them to park or other.

Since Brexit, they're difficult to find, but overseas ones still exist!

You can't be doing 2 things at once, so it's not a failure to ask (and pay...) for help. You don't work and homeschool do you? So it's the same.

If you love your job and need to adjust the balance perhaps it’s about considering what you can afford to outsource?

Cleaner/housekeeper to keep on top of the house?
Food shopping deliveries rather than the supermarket?
Batch cooking on the weekend or easy throw it in the oven dinners a few nights a week.
trading lifts to clubs with other parents? I.e. you/DH takes them all one week, another parent does the following week?
Theres probably other ways to adapt too, but just some thoughts.

I struggle with this too.
The inconvenient truth imo is that many of the everyday things that make life special for kids require parental time not money.
Once you have enough for a good standard of living, more money doesn't really improve your children's experiences.
But this poses a lot of inconvenient issues in terms of both parents having a fulfilling career and reaching their potential. And if one parent takes a hit, it's usually the mother. So I'm conflicted.

Having involved grandparents is a partial solution. They can often help make the magic ime. I wish we lived closer to my DC's grandparents. They will bake, do crafts, build stuff, go to swing and skate parks and play games. Which means we don't have to. If you don't have local/involved family so it's all on you, that's tough.

Could you outsource more of the gruntwork? Cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.? So you work and then spend time with DC and don't need to do a lot else? No one ever wished they'd spent more time cleaning bathrooms or ironing.

Your priorities are going to be different to anyone else's. I have never cared about success at work, and I'm happy to be a sahm and to have all the time in the world for my dc, and I like them to be able to experience as much as possible. Others have their identity wrapped up in their career and wouldn't enjoy being stuck with the dc all holidays anyway. The important thing is to own the decision you make - if you've decided that the career is the important thing for you, then acknowledge it as a decision you've made and accepted.

Life is short. My mum worked constantly when I was younger because she had too but sadly that’s the only thing I remember. She were never there to do the fun stuff with me or be around. Your kids will remember both of you not being there. You have kids to spend time with them and create memories not shove them in front of a tv.

Have been there. As others say, one choice can be to leave - but if it's the right thing for you and your family in the longer term, you need to use a chunk of your enhanced earnings to make your life easier.

Any income: get your DH to pull his weight, see if there are family members who are able and (truly) willing to help at all even occasionally or during school holidays, or friends who can take turns with childcare

Higher income: Cleaner, ready meals, pay extra for things to be delivered/automated where possible.

High income, go a step further:

• Koru kids or similar for someone to pick the kids up after school / take to extracurriculars / heat up a dinner
• Cleaner to come more often, help more with laundry and tidying as well
• Or combine the two with a nanny/housekeeper a few days a week who might not do heavy cleaning but could do a quick tidy, cook a double or triple meal serving, and put extras in the freezer so you have more ready. You can find many people on childcare.com who can combine this with picking up kids, so they have enough hours to make it worthwhile for them as well as good for you

Don't give up your job

If it is a few weeks a year, no big deal. Your kids are gently learning that sometimes in life they aren't the focus of everyone's attention.

But also - spend the extra money you are earning on making life easier.

Can you start building a relationship with one or two regular babysitters in your area and when a shit week is coming, have them take your kids out on Saturday and Sunday? Kids are entertained and being exercised, you get the work done.

Likewise, plenty of cleaning/housekeeping agencies that will do one off jobs so get them in that week to clean the house and iron clothes etc

As a teenager, 20 years ago, for three years I took two kids who lived nearby out for the day on the weekend before some big financial deadline that their parents (both accountants) needed to meet.
I got paid decent sum plus cash to do activities - went to fun fair/cinema/adventure playground which I also enjoyed anyway!

I'd hang in there a bit longer OP. It's still relatively early days and you're adjusting to the new role. Try to think of ways to make your life easier (cleaner? Delegating more at work?) and if you're still finding it this hard in a year's time then you may need to make a change.

Bottom line is you can always quit in a month or 2.

You can't go back to your role in 1 month or 2 if you leave now

Find another job that allows you more time with the kids. DH too. In 10 years or so they'll be grown and you'll have missed it all.

DH and I have both made the opposite choice to you and have 0 regrets. We are extremely lucky though that choosing the less stressful jobs in our fields still means we still have a pretty high income (£200-250 household, not UK).

In the short-term, can you beg a favour from any parents of your DC's school friends? If you trust the parents and your kids aren't too demanding, it would be better for them to have a couple of unaccompanied weekend playdates at their friends' houses than to be stuck in front of screens for hours while you're working. You could offer to repay the favour when you're quieter.

Is there a reason you really need the extra income beyond society always telling us that's what we should want? For example do you need to ratchet up your pension contributions or be able to access a mortgage against earnings ratios, pay for care for a relative and so on?

If not, then arguably this money isn't worth the loss of time - an equally, if not even more precious resource than money!

I'm in a similar position. You need to 'let go' of some stuff particularity what constitutes a clean house. I still have standards but I have friends who are shocked I don't clean my skirting boards every week. They've probably never been cleaned.
You need to find time for kids to do their regular activities but as long as they're going to them plus school, they'll be fine.
The job will settle as you get used to it but make sure you manage your time well at work and block out time as required. For example I leave early once a week to collect kids and take DD to Rainbows. Non - negotiable time that's blocked out.
You'll get there.

At work:
Are you setting clear objectives for your direct reports and holding them accountable for delivery or are you still trying to do their jobs?
Are you addressing the thematic blockers and opportunities that Will make your department work more effectively?
Do you have someone you can bounce ideas off? A buddy and/or mentor, or two?
Are you spending your time on the most value-add activity and dumping or delegating other stuff?

At home:
Are you Outsourcing enough. Especially after a big pay rise?

Are you taking breaks often enough to recharge your own battery? And some fresh air/exercise.

It's fine to stretch yourself but there's still only 24 hours in the day and when promoted you have to stop doing certain things as well as starting to do others.