To think maybe I've got my life priorities all wrong?

[Boodge]

I took a big promotion at work last year which came with a 50% pay rise and a heap of extra responsibilty. I'd only recently gone back to full time hours following my youngest starting primary school. It's been bloody hard work - steep learning curve, high-pressure deadlines. I still feel like I'm only just about doing enough to not get sacked.

I've just finished a really challenging week - goodness knows how many hours I've worked, I've been glued to my laptop day and night and over most of the weekend. DH is also really busy and has been out of the house a lot with work.

DC have watched far far too much TV because we've not had time to do anything else with them or I've got ratty with them about the amount of mess and noise they're making. They've missed out on some of their regular activities because I've simply not had the time to take an hour or two out to take them there. The house is in even more carnage than usual, which is saying something.

Is this just normal life? I feel so guilty for my DC who just don't get enough of us. Part of me wants to step back from this but I would feel like a failure.

Sorry I haven't read all the thread.

My immediate take would be to take the hours you are working seriously and spend far more on outsourcing.

For work, invest in a work coach, a mentor, or look at delegating more, or all three.

At home, channel Michelle Obama - spend money on getting stuff like cleaning, sorting, even cooking done for you (eg top of the range ready meals like Cook and Charlie Bigham) so that all you do is the paid work and being a mum.

I have good memories of my mum and dad working. I used to be allowed to sit with them and do quiet crafts 9r even help them with bits of work sometimes. I think seeing your parents working/going to work is an underrated benefit to children - I used to worry that I didn't know how to teach my child a work ethic, but the fact is he saw me graft every day to put food on the table and develop myself, I showed him payslips and explained tax etc to him. It can really work.

My DH and I both work long hours. However, we have both built in some flexibility. I leave work 4:30 latest so that I can drive children to their activities. I work from home in the evenings once they are dropped off.
Dh stays at his office longer but then does the kids' pick up from activities.
I meal plan, you my slow cooker a lot and meal prep in advanced.
Both kids eat a lot of meals out of flasks whilst on their way to their hobbie but that is more to do with the time their classes start.
We have a cleaner and a gardener. We iron school and work shirts, very little else.
You need to be really organised and thinking ahead but it is doable.
I dropped working on Fridays altogether to make life a little more pleasant though. Otherwise by the weekend both DH and I were too exhausted to do much.

If you don’t need to do this financially don’t. It’s a cliche I know but kids grow up SO fast - these days when they’re young are so precious. Enjoy them for both your sakes.

I feel like doing that type of high pressured job whilst having kids isn't really possible, but I also know that a career is a really important part of some people's lives. If what you've described is the norm, and not just a pressure point then no I don't think it would be worth it - think about your own health. However as it's early days and your salary has increased could you get a cleaner, laundry person etc to do as much as possible to see if that's makes a difference? They don't replace you spending time with your kids but also mean you might actually have a bit more time! I'm only a teacher and I have constant guilt about only seeing my kids some days for a few hours and I've cut back on extra curricular etc because I'm more likely to regret missing my kids grow up than being a crap teacher.

That's why I left teaching. I had no evenings and most of the weekends were eaten up by planning or marking (secondary position). My son was very little and I felt so guilty sending him to nursery from 7.30 am to 5.30 pm. After three miscarriages, I hit a very low point and decided to leave. That was the best thing I could have done at that point. I've since realised success doesn't reside in money or a career but how enjoyable your life is. I'm not saying my life is perfect now because I still work hard but I've got plenty of time with my children and even manage to have time to myself sometimes. Luxury.

Life is too short to be a slave to your workplace.
I have decided finally that I am happier having a job with less pay as it means I switch off from work as soon as I clock off.
I had a senior position for a few year and yes the extra money was great, but I wasn’t very nice to live with as I was always so stressed with work.
It’s been lovely going back to a post with fewer responsibilities and my family much prefer it too. Yes we will need to sacrifice on some things but ultimately I am a happier person.

Hey, this post could have been written about me. I'm early 40's peri and feel stressed and overwhelmed a lot.

I started a similar role to what you're describing 18 months ago, the first 6 months were pure hell, but it did get a lot easier as I learned to adapt, feel less stress and put less pressure on myself.

I wouldn't say it's still a walk in the park and I definitely have days when I come home and think I can't do this anymore, but it's not as often and I also have some great days of job satisfaction. I've also learnt to balance and will take time back occasionally to spend time with my son.

As mother's were taught to always put our kids first and my son is still my number 1 priority, but it's also ok to have a career.

We could definitely manage on the £20-25k less a year I'd earn as a manager vs a senior manager as I am now if I stepped down a level, but we wouldn't be as comfortable and it would be harder to afford some of the things my son wants.

I also think as women imposter syndrome is an real thing and you think you're doing just enough to not get fired, how real is that scenario? As that is exactly how I felt and I'm still here 18 months later and I quickly realised that the only person putting that kind of pressure on myself was me. I stepped back and relaxed a little bit, didn't answer every email immediately and the world didn't fall over. You have to ask yourself, what is the absolute worse thing that can happen? And if the answer is get sacked and you're thinking about leaving the role anyway?

Take the pressure off yourself, give it at least 6 to 10 months to see how you feel, you've worked hard to get here and owe it to yourself.

I would focus on whether it is the hours or the pressure that is too much for you. If the hours could be a little more manageable would that help? If so then you may be able to manage your time better - people new to a role won’t be at optimum efficiency and those new to senior management often need to learn to let go of a lot of the detail. Have you got a coach?

Of course it could be a long hours culture or industry - is every super-senior very high-paid job a hell-pit in your field? Network around and see what others are saying about their jobs; it is possible that things could be better in a different company so maybe look to move sideways.

Ultimately think what your perfect balance would be, taking into account your career, your ambition, your family, your you-time and your finances. You feel trapped right now as you are new to a role and it’s horrible but you (probably) aren’t in a binary situation of this job or your old job.

You have to do what is right for you, but I can tell you my experience. My husband and I both had professional jobs (not exceptionally highly paid or high-powered, but in senior roles in our organisations) and both spent a lot of time in the evenings and sometimes weekends working. We were well-supported by family for childcare and still did a lot with the children, but there were times that work came before our time with each other as a couple or family.
Sadly, my husband was diagnosed with cancer at 39. It put everything into perspective, and his health and our family life was the only priority for us for the following 2 years. They were sadly his final 2 years.
If I could go back now, the nights spent at either end of a sofa, both on laptops, would not have happened. Were our jobs important? Yes. Important enough to go ahead of family and couple time we'll never get back? Absolutely not.
Of course, I hope nothing as extreme ever happens to you, but it certainly gave me a completely different perspective on work and life, so wanted to share that.

Oh I’m so sorry to hear that @Purplellama80 . ❤️

Are you happy? what can you do to make you happy? You can step back from work but you can't and wouldnt want to step back from your children. Only have one life and one childhood. Take care. X

@Purplellama80 I'm so sorry 💐

I'm also widowed so I completely sympathise. Prior to that I worked all hours but not now. Lesson learned the hard way.

I'm also having serious doubts about teaching. I see how different my husband / sister etc lives are (for a small difference £ wise) and think I must be an idiot. They finish work and that's it - at home I'm either doing work or thinking about how much work I've got to do (also secondary, demanding school, all senior classes). I just feel too old now to think about a new career!

Look around at what you have. Are you working because you need to or because you want to? If it's a 'want to' thing then I'd look at getting support for your children so they are not left feeling neglected. Perhaps an au pair could be the answer for your family. I sometimes think that people spend their lives working for 'things' and forget to enjoy their lives and family along the way. Things are nice but time, adventures and memories are the things that matter more.

So sorry you have been through this too. It is the very worst way to have to learn what really matters. Sending love.

I'm really uncomfortable with the insinuation pervading this thread that anyone who works hard, works long hours, has career ambitions or earns more than subsistance wages is somehow shallow, materialistic, focused on "things" or otherwise inferior in values, character and focus to those who choose to earn / work less.

Most people I know are working for security, not stuff. Security in case of death of spouse or divorce, security in old age, a desire to maintain financial independence, security that they can cover uni fees or provide other assistance to their offspring, security that they will be able to help parents or other relatives if need be, security via paying off a mortgage and having somewhere to live if earning power wanes.

The old "on your deathbed you won't wished you worked more" is, quite frankly, a crock of shit. Many people in older age DO wish they had worked harder, worked longer, been more career savvy, spent less, saved more, prepared more for life's ups and downs, or the ups and downs of family members. Squandering the ability to make some of these provisions, save aggressively, contribute to society via taxation and help others personally or via philanthropy is not particularly admirable or superior somehow to working for wages.

Everyone should do as she sees fit, but there's no moral superiority in bypassing the opportunity to earn, and quite a few downsides. And that's not even taking into account role modeling, personal fulfillment or making a productive contribution to society.

Agreed. Especially in a world where we can't rely on NHS care, or state pensions, or affordable housing. It takes a pretty high pressured job just to be able to buy a very basic house in my bit of the SE (unless you have family money)

And there are ways to do a high pressure job and still find time to prioritise family. It doesn't have to be binary

It's all very well saying don't work hard and value life, but I was so glad my dad and I had both worked hard so that between us we could pay for me to have private tests I urgently needed to discover whether I had a life ending condition or just a life "limiting" condition.

I can be assure you no one on their death bed wishes they had worked harder to make more money for their crappy company. And I have been at many deathbeds through my work. , There’s a balance. Some jobs take the absolute piss and demand so much you aren’t able to be there for your kid even minimally. Sod that.

I agree it should be and is possible to have a good job and a work life balance.

My MIL, while not on her deathbed yet, often talks how she wanted to go to university and have a career, but it just wasn't the best thing for her family, so instead she spent her life cooking lunch for the workers in her husband's pigfarm. She hates cooking.

Thanks for all the comments - reading them all and taking them all on board.

Someone mentioned the ADHD burnout cycle, definitely relate to that. Bid work in some ways works well with my ADHD as the deadline driven ‘thrill of the chase’ is something I do actually enjoy but the hyper focus tunnel vision makes it hard for me to find a balance. I really was absolutely exhausted at the end of last week, just totally wiped - quite apart from the wider impact (on family etc) it’s not healthy for me. I have to think about how I can manage those peaks in workload better.

I had a very DC-focused weekend which was nice for us all. Though I do think I need balance, I am a better mum ‘in moderation’! Although this thread is quite full of rose-tinted views of “they grow up so quick!”, they’re also hard work - I love them to death but there’s only so much of my life I can be happy listening to them making fart jokes, talking about Pokémon or refereeing squabbles. Basically I wouldn’t make a great SAHM!

I’ve got a quieter couple of weeks ahead so I will think everything through some more - it would be stupid to make any rash decisions on the back of one particularly arduous week.

You need to take the agile approach of working. If you’re working past your contracted hours, there’s a problem with your work culture. No boss should expect their staff to work long hours.

I don’t allow any of my reports to work past 6pm. If they have too much on their plate, I need to reduce their workload. If deadlines or projects are still not being met within business hours, then that’s either staff not being productive, or there’s not enough staff to meet demand and you need to hire help I.e. more staff.

This can all be easily be resolved by talking to whoever you report to.

Glad you’re feeling better about things.

Before I had my son, I loved working. I didn’t have a senior role but I really enjoyed my job and giving the best I could.
I thought I’d hate being a full time SAHM and couldn’t see it lasting long.
Adamant that it wasn’t for me (given that once upon a time I was NEVR having kids).
It really was an amazing experience.
But how surprised I was by the slower lifestyle.
I do appreciate it’s not for everyone x

@LaurieStrode

very well said.
its also people who have not experienced living in real need (eg country where there is no NHS so that a mild illness can destroy your finances for the month and serious illness can mean that your loved one dies if you don’t have a large sum saved or you go homeless and destitute. My father needed heart valve replacement and was disabled after that, in my 20ies. Needless to say it massively motivated me to be a high earner, as I was sick of being very poor and helpless when growing up)

You seem to be quite focused on "success". Success could perhaps be seen in a more private domain (eg with your children, partner, friendship groups, wider family, etc) and success can also be judged in a more public domain (eg in your career).

And what really is success? Is it a high salary, the admiration and respect of your work colleagues and others? Is it success, for instance, if you are not really enjoying your job but feel almost obliged to do it for the external validation it gives you? Is it success if a person feels constantly overwhelmed and lacking in the time and the energy available to spend on other things that are important to them (eg children, home, leisure activities, etc).

I didn't have a high powered or very highly paid job but it still took up a great deal of my time and energy. I very much regret having to devote this time to work rather than to other important areas of my life, particularly my children. I think they missed out enormously, and so did I.

As someone else has said, if this work pressure is temporary, perhaps you may feel it is worth the sacrifice. In my view, if it is likely to continue in this way I really don't think the extra money and kudos is worth the exhaustion and lack of fulfilment in other areas of your life.