To think maybe I've got my life priorities all wrong?

[Boodge]

I took a big promotion at work last year which came with a 50% pay rise and a heap of extra responsibilty. I'd only recently gone back to full time hours following my youngest starting primary school. It's been bloody hard work - steep learning curve, high-pressure deadlines. I still feel like I'm only just about doing enough to not get sacked.

I've just finished a really challenging week - goodness knows how many hours I've worked, I've been glued to my laptop day and night and over most of the weekend. DH is also really busy and has been out of the house a lot with work.

DC have watched far far too much TV because we've not had time to do anything else with them or I've got ratty with them about the amount of mess and noise they're making. They've missed out on some of their regular activities because I've simply not had the time to take an hour or two out to take them there. The house is in even more carnage than usual, which is saying something.

Is this just normal life? I feel so guilty for my DC who just don't get enough of us. Part of me wants to step back from this but I would feel like a failure.

MN is full of wealthier mums and grandmums who have no idea what it is like to work a senior job. I do and yes there is an expectation that you work until the job is done - but that doesn’t mean you can’t have any kind of home life. I also have a senior job in tech and this is what I do:

1. I sign in at 6am (so before the school run) to get a solid hour to plan my day. This is when I check emails (I have an out of office on where I state clearly that urgent emails have to be followed up with a phone call but if you’re not hitting targets then you’ll need to have more frequent email touchpoints).
2. I take 7-8:00, 2:30 - 3:30 for the school run. DH takes DS to school in the morning and I get him / his stuff ready. I pick DS up in the afternoon).
3. Dinner for DS is 4:30-5:30pm. Either DH or I will cook depending on meetings - really quick things.
4. I personally make up the time I take after DS goes to bed between 6:30-10:30pm but others I work with do a half-day on Saturdays / Sundays (6am - 10am). You just need to sort out something that fits your lifestyle as a family
5. I have a cleaner.
6. DS and I cook from scratch but make a lot of easy meals during the week (I use my insta pot a lot). I batch cook things like dal and meat sauces once or twice a month and freeze them.
7. DS is 3, nearly 4, we have no family support and so we do encourage independance - he wipes himself after the toilet when at home, we emptied the wine fridge and turned it into his drink fridge so it’s easier for him to take out his milk / fruit shoots etc. DS understandably doesn’t like playing by himself downstairs so we let him bring toys upstairs and he’ll play quietly between my / DH’s office between meetings. DH and I try not to schedule meetings at the same time but when it’s unavoidable we bring out the tablet or put him in front of the TV.
8. I have weekly meetings with my manager to ensure any problems or complaints get sorted quickly before they impact my performance review.

Should add DS goes to a private primary with a preschool that provides solid short notice wrap around care when needed (thankfully rarely, but if I have an urgent meeting I can ask the school to keep him until 6pm). So he’s only at home during holidays

Where are you getting that OP wants to give up work entirely and sit at home? She hasn't said that, in fact we don't even know if she could afford to, and there are other jobs.

I’m really responding to the posters telling her to stop back

Which doesn't mean sitting at home either. OP could step back from this role and still work full time, even.

It is a decision only you can make. I felt similarly and ended up making the decision to move to a much less stressful job but took a massive pay cut to do so (more than 50%). It's been 7 years now and I haven't regretted it. However I guess spending time with the kids has always been a top priority for me so it wasn't really a hard decision much as I miss the higher income.

In my previous role which required a lot of hours, the only people I saw that made it work had significant outside help and often had grandparents taking on a lot of the parent role or a partner that did way more than their fair share at home.

I would say at least to outsource as much as you can for now while you think about what you want. You may find things are better once you get into more of a routine as well.

The OP has mentioned several times that her husband does pull his weight and if anything takes on more of the childcare / home burden than she does. Your paragraph about the husband clearly not taking any initiative or men behaving like little boys really isn't relevant to the OPs situation but dont let that get in the way of the blame it all on the men agenda that so many on mumsnet seem to promote at every opportunity.

Exactly this. The automatic jump to blame it on the men from some posters is just getting ridiculous. Even after OP clarified that this was not the case they still bang on because obviously they must be right 🙄

I admire your strength and hard work. In all honesty I don't think I could do that without completely breaking, it all sounds very stressful trying to keep on top of all this work load, children, home etc, as any one would feel. Is this something long term you can carry on with? I definitely would not call yourself a failure if you stepped back from this. Your mental health and health should be top priority. Also family and work should be balanced in a healthy way!

The OP has mentioned several times that her husband does pull his weight and if anything takes on more of the childcare / home burden than she does. Your paragraph about the husband clearly not taking any initiative or men behaving like little boys really isn't relevant to the OPs situation but dont let that get in the way of the blame it all on the men agenda that so many on mumsnet seem to promote at every opportunity.

@rainbowunicorn
I think my opinion is correct.
It is based a statement from the OP:
The house is in even more carnage than usual, which is saying something.

If he takes on more than she does but the house is "even more carnage than usual", then he's not doing his part too well.

My post was in response to a sarcastic remark (with a nice dollop of guilt tripping) on the subject of equality.
Because the ideal scenario is that neither is particularly fussed that the kids have been muscled out of their hobbies, dumped in front of the TV and told off for making noise?

Oh, the joy of equality.

We haven't heard whether the man here has ever considered the effect of his lifestyle choice on the rest of his family.

Did he and the OP sit down to prioritise and plan so they could reduce stress for her - presumably he knows he's not going to be available every day to do his share of the household tasks, but did he notice the "carnage", realise it was going to pot, and start calling cleaners? Did he see the children sitting in front of the TV all week and start looking for someone to take them to the park, or find someone to give them a lift to their activities?

I want to know if the OP is the only one in the family who feels responsible for the smooth running of the home and the parenting of the children.

Yes, because I don't think parity between the sexes is to be admired when that looks like neither parent much caring that the kids had spent the weekend in front of the telly, amidst mess, and being told to be quiet.

Ideally both parents would find that situation troubling. Rather than the op looking at her dh, deciding he seems fine with the situation, and shrugging her shoulders with a such-is-life apathy.

Sounds like you need a nanny/housekeeper.

I'd look for someone 11/12pm-7pm - they can come in, get dinner started, do some housework, pick the kids up and take them to after school activities, do homework/reading, maybe even get them in the bath before they finish.

I’m interested to know why you think success is to do with having a top flight well paid job. I mean it might be, but why do you value it so much? Have you always needed to validate yourself previously, do you want to make people proud? Do you get personal satisfaction from it?

I ask because your thread title says about maybe getting your life priorities all wrong. Did you prioritise a good job over everything? You say it’s not the money necessarily (which drives a lot of people) but perhaps how people view you doing the job you do? Would you miss that perhaps.

If you’re reassessing maybe you have indeed changed your priorities. Chilling with the kids and dh is so precious isn’t it and as others have said life is short.

I wish you luck.

You're basically making yourself ill and damaging your mental health. Is worth it to have some extra money in your savings.

I chose to the kids over my career. They missed out on material stuff which they complained about at the time but I think it made them better people. Who needs designer stuff and the latest tech. I have friends who chose their career and their kids complained they didn't get the attention/company etc. You can't win. Just do what suits you best.

I find it quite interesting that people on those threads treat women's income as some sort of fake monopoly money, to be spent on trivial shopping. Designer clothes for kids, eyelash extensions for mummy - how selfish and materialistic to miss the precious moments for that!
Surely in most households, extra money will go for building some savings for a rainy day, improving living conditions, helping kids when they need it (from hobbies, tutoring to private healthcare, uni fees, property ladder). Even if OP can survive without her extra salary, I don't think she would spend it all on fancy hats.

@G5000 I haven't seen any posts making that assumption tbh. Also OP has said 'We live comfortably within our means so my extra income goes on nice to haves or saving. I don’t need to do this financially.' early in the thread so that will have influenced the responses.

Ugh this thread is a bit infuriating. All these life's too short, you shouldn't work much round your kids.

What do YOU WANT OP? Do you enjoy your job? Does it give you a sense of purpose and drive? (I sense that mainly it makes you exhausted but important to ask)

I work. I work a relatively senior job. I could work less and mean my daughter has only two days in nursery rather than 3. I don't. Why? Because I have chronic depression and anxiety. Work makes me feel I am capable of something. I wouldn't be a great parent out of work more. I didn't think I'd be like this but I am.

All the binary 'work bad, parenting good' is unhelpful IMO.

You sum up by saying you would feel like a failure for stepping back. However, does it not make more sense to reevaluate and acknowledge that something isn’t working for you and/or your family? It’s more than ok to do something different after trialling this. That’s actually success, not failure. Failure would be doing something day after day, year after year, knowing it’s not working for you, but fearing ‘looking’ like a failure. Failure might also look and feel like being stretched too thinly, housework piling up around you, no time for self care and your relationships with your partner and children suffering because you aren’t fully ‘present’ for them. You never really know what you’re signing up for until you actually start doing the job. The current job market is buoyant, it’s unnecessary to put yourself under so much pressure.

I've worked part time since I had my children, we have had to budget as a result, but earning lots of money doesn't make up for not seeing your children. Children need interaction and quality time, if you're unable to do this your work life balance is off centre and it's worth speaking to your manager about reducing your hours and job sharing.

And DADS should be doing this too, not just mums.

I haven't seen any posts making that assumption tbh.

The post just above mine for example: Who needs designer clothes and latest tech.
And OP saying they don't 'need' it can also mean that they have enough to survive and scrape by, but now can have a savings. That's not a trivial thing if you don't immediately lose your house if you have a few months' gap in employment.

OP, do you like your job?
I have a high stress job in senior management… but I love it. I thrive on the work and it makes me a better person and a better mother and I love being both mum and a director.
But if that’s not you, or not you any more… time for a change? You only get one life!

I think there is a lot of sense in this.

Some people work in jobs that they love and that give them a buzz and a purpose. That energise them. They have more for their children, not less, because they work. Working makes them better parents. It makes sense to throw resources at everything else to support a job like this.

But I don't get the impression that the OP's job is like this. It seems to drain her, to take everything even when she's not working, so there is very little left for the children or indeed for the OP herself.

It's not a binary choice of "work/ don't work" but a question of striking the right balance and finding a job that allows her to do that. Yes, many people don't have the option financially to change things, but the OP does.

If you are comfortably off financially then i would employ a cleaner to come in, daily weekly, whatever to sort out the house which should relieve some stress for you as the house would no longer be 'carnage' and employ a part time nanny or something like that to take your child to whatever activities they may be missing. Then i would take a breath, sit down and look at your work you have to do and see where you could poss**ibly be more organised around doing it re deadlines etc.... it takes time but you can have both work and a home life, plus i assume you get 20 odd days holiday a year so why not spread it out with booking off days here and there on Fridays/Mondays and having some long weekends?

You will get a range of replies as it really is a matter of opinion and choice. Some love having the high pressure and busyness and higher income, others prefer to take the money hit and spend the time with their DC, there’s no right or wrong. But… and I mean this in a kind way…. This is only my opinion, I don’t think you can take the higher income for treats/savings exclusively. If you choose you have the senior position it would be better to use a chunk of the income from it to outsource cleaning, ironing, gardening and childcare (you did say they have missed activities this week), then you need to decide it it’s worth it still or are you earning to pay others. Granted my career was not high flying and there would have been no financial gain to me keeping the job and outsourcing so I gave up for a small wfh job and I will go back to my career when my DC are older, others couldn’t think of anything worse than giving up a job they love, it’s all choice. All the best!