To think maybe I've got my life priorities all wrong?

[Boodge]

I took a big promotion at work last year which came with a 50% pay rise and a heap of extra responsibilty. I'd only recently gone back to full time hours following my youngest starting primary school. It's been bloody hard work - steep learning curve, high-pressure deadlines. I still feel like I'm only just about doing enough to not get sacked.

I've just finished a really challenging week - goodness knows how many hours I've worked, I've been glued to my laptop day and night and over most of the weekend. DH is also really busy and has been out of the house a lot with work.

DC have watched far far too much TV because we've not had time to do anything else with them or I've got ratty with them about the amount of mess and noise they're making. They've missed out on some of their regular activities because I've simply not had the time to take an hour or two out to take them there. The house is in even more carnage than usual, which is saying something.

Is this just normal life? I feel so guilty for my DC who just don't get enough of us. Part of me wants to step back from this but I would feel like a failure.

I’ve chosen the complete opposite lifestyle to you, OP-childfree and work part time, from home. I very deliberately chose this lifestyle because I value my peace and happiness and don’t do well under pressure and stress.
I work to live, and place zero worth in someone’s job in terms of their ‘success’. Other qualities matter far more than how you sell your labour.

Once you’ve settled in, if you’re still not coping with your home life, reconsider if the job is a success or a detriment.

I work part-time term time only but also run my own practice/ locum work on my other days (flexibility). I work enough for us to have a good standard of life. I could earn a lot lot more (£600 daily rate) by picking up extra work but it's more important that I'm home more and available to my dc. The extra money wouldn't make me any happier but spending time with dc and having brain space does make our lives so much nicer and calmer.

I think you need to weigh up what's more important for you and your family. There's no right answer and everyone is different, but I work to live, not live to work though I'm lucky that I love my job.

What timeframe do you have childcare for?

I work in a senior role, and work a lot with the US, so have frequent evening meetings. My nanny stays until 7pm M-T, and gives my twins dinner. Sometimes I finish work earlier, so give them dinner / or go for a walk. But it means I can focus on work, and not be snappy when I finish work. They go to bed at 8:30pm, so I still get time with them. And then sometimes have later meetings after that.

I see at weekends, this is more difficult. But something is off, if you frequently have to work weekends.

Even if most people were childfree, most of them could not be part time. Not very useful to the OP when she has kids to pay for.

I recently secured a new job with a big pay rise and was so excited that I was finally getting where I'd always aimed for. 3 months in I knew I wasn't happy and I didn't like it. I quit and luckily was able to go back to my old job. Less pay, less hours, less stress.

It's really made me see everything differently and I'm a bit adrift now as what I thought I wanted wasn't what made me happy. I'm having to reevaluate everything.

Life is too short and money isn't everything.

As an old biddy (64) who didn't work full-time until our kids were 18 and 15, it seems the younger generation of women (20s to 40s) have been led to believe they can "have it all" - the job, house, car, kids, holidays, social life, etc., etc. It's not possible without making some sacrifice somewhere. That, in your case, is the time you spend with your kids.

I didn't work because one child was always ill (long-standing condition), so my husband kept us all. We had old bangers of cars that might last 6 months, then he'd fix it. There was no internet, mobiles, Universal Credit, no social life. We never once had a babysitter. Our holidays were a week in Skegness or just days out. Our kids had Clarks shoes, but we managed with our stuff from charity shops. Our kids have got kids of their own now, but they say they are glad I didn't work. I was a typical "1950s housewife" in the 80s and 90s.

You needn't go to those extremes, but if you don't particularly NEED to work, why wouldn't you want to spend more time with your children?

Two things that stand out to me.

1- you say you are struggling to meet deadlines. When you take on a leadership role it’s your team that meet a deadline. You need to delegate the work to them.

2- you are asking in the middle of the day so the response is biased. It gets easier as you learn to manage your team.

On the odd occasion having them watching tv whilst you work is really not a biggie but the fact they've had to miss their activities isn't great
If you had to take the promotion to make ends meet might put a different slant on it but the fact it's for extras gives you a choice and only you can choose which is more important, your career going forward or being present in your DC's lives at the moment.

My point was obviously to consider what she defines as success and choose a lifestyle that will make her happy. She already said they don’t need the extra money.

Is your husband pulling his hair out about his work/ life balance and his parenting/ the state of the house?

You are making more money now.

Hire a cleaner.

Get a meal service.

You and your H can both pitch in with the kids to keep the house tidy enough to allow the cleaner to clean.

Sort your priorities out would be my advice. Life is short, you really never know what's around the corner. So for me making money is not a priority, the people I love and my community are. If you're happy to sacrifice quality time with loved ones for money, go for it. But it is a sacrifice. Career is overrated

You need to address why you’d feel like a failure. Is it the ‘women can have it all’ thing? Or is it the ‘this is what I was always headed for?’ thing? Maybe you do want it that badly, either way either adjustments need to be made for you at home, or something needs to change at work. Best of luck op x

Because the ideal scenario is that neither is particularly fussed that the kids have been muscled out of their hobbies, dumped in front of the TV and told off for making noise?

Oh, the joy of equality.

Even if most people were childfree, most of them could not be part time. Not very useful to the OP when she has kids to pay for.
There’s a lot of people that pt works for though, child free or not- a lot of my friends have moved away from Dublin and it’s surrounding areas and have more wfh so less money on commuting while also making lifestyle choices so they can live more frugally.

I’m the flip side of you, I’m 50, middle management and kids are young adults now.

Have been looking at moving into a more senior role but realistically I’m needed too much at home (kids with SEND, elderly parents, husband who is lovely but not particularly proactive). I just don’t have the time or headspace to do a very senior role, even if I wanted to (which I kind of do).

It’s really hit me today how women tend to have to choose in a way that men just don’t.

The choice is yours, it’s not right or wrong.

Yes of course the only way to live is for OP to just give up work entirely as the kids might die tomorrow. Honestly, I don't believe this thread.

OP, you have clearly worked hard to get where you are. You are talking about a learning curve - will the workload be more manageable when you have settled in? Is it seasonal, or always the same? Do you have a team to delegate to? Is everything really high priority or you're just used to being perfect and high performer? And yes of course get at least a cleaner.

This.

I was you 15 years ago and I quit. I bitterly regret it and will do continue to regret it until I’m 67. Which is when I will be able to retire now, instead of at 60, which I could have done if I’d not given up my career.

Do what men do in your situation -

pay for more help at home
get your partner / family to do more
lower your standards around any mess in the house
stop feeling guilty about your kids watching Tv
remember this is just a phase and you will get through it
at work, keep telling your boss how great you are until they give you more resources to meet your targets

I worked "too much" when raising DC with their DF. We had a live-out nanny which was great and my now adult Dc recall her fondly.

I did NO housework at all. No shopping, very little cooking (DH did that and in return I "did" birthdays Xmas and holidays).

I retired at 52. I bloody love that I supported my DC through uni, that we had the most amazing holidays, that they will be financially secure all their lives. It worked out well for us.

Yep, agree use the money to make your life less stressful.

Up your vitamin intake and both of you need to be super organised.

Brilliant advice

Also agree with this

Money gives options. And for next generation, I'll be glad to be able to help

But childhood goes fast

I think it's all a balancing act, and every family will choose their own priorities

Also, no one told me that I needed to really focus on 1-2 things and deliver in full on time. This is why men do better in leadership roles.

Forget your job description. Sit down every month with your leaders and get updates on both your and their objectives. You focus on delivering on their objectives and your team deliver on your objectives. The two should ideally overlap.

You need to focus on a narrow delivery of 1-2 goals and nail it. Forget anything that doesn’t help you deliver on those goals. I’m ruthless with my time. My meetings are 15mins and include no more than 3 decisions/items to discuss. I book 30mins so I am not running late. If you have thoughts to share, come prepared otherwise share ahead of the meeting, adding thoughts to the invite. It should be no more than 2 pages.

@OhDoSitDownAndShutUp

As an old biddy (64) who didn't work full-time until our kids were 18 and 15, it seems the younger generation of women (20s to 40s) have been led to believe they can "have it all" - the job, house, car, kids, holidays, social life, etc., etc. It's not possible without making some sacrifice somewhere. That, in your case, is the time you spend with your kids

You are correct but your generation supported part timers. Jeremy Hunt recently said that SAHMs were bad for the economy. So working part time and putting kids first became frowned upon very quickly......

Hence why they want every school to provide wrap around care. And jobs are no longer 9-5pm.

More and more are 8.30-5.30 or 8.30-6pm!

Yes it sucks.

Contrary to current firm middle class beliefs, children don't need attention from parents all day every day when tbeyre not in school, or after school activities either.

They certainly don't need the input of one specific parent as opposed to the other.

The husband has clearly not taken any initiative wrt the house, which looks even worse than usual according to the OP, and he clearly expects the fairies to pick up the slack with the children too.

'Quality time' (an awful phrase imo) with the children, all of whom are school aged, should include both mum and dad rolling up their sleeves and working together to clean up the house while encouraging and helping the kids to contribute. This would be far more valuable in both the short and long term for the kids than handing off the kids to other people several times a week, which is what all those after school activities are when you boil it down.

The families I know who made two careers plus children work were families where the men pulled their weight and behaved like grown ups, not little boys waiting for mummy to tell them what to do.

They had cleaners.
They had a gardening crew.
They made a point of arranging carpools for all the activities their children participated in.
They had a roster of neighbourhood teens who would take the kids to the park.

They sat down together and examined what needed to be done daily and weekly, and the contributions and expectations of each party to make sure nobody was coasting along or expecting levels of domestic comfort that weren't possible given the number of hours available in the day.

There is nothing wrong with equality. It's not a flawed ideal. It takes work from both parents to create a family life and avoid living in a pigsty. This is where the reality bites a great many couples.

Oh love, I hear you and have been there. I took on a senior management role and had a similar pay rise but my quality of life was non-existent and it nearly ended my previously wonderful marriage. I quit, felt like a failure (not for long) but my marriage is my pride and joy once again (don’t care if anyone thinks that’s sad, frankly) and we have a beautiful baby girl. This would have never happened if I stayed as I would have put it off for years longer, if I even decided to take a break from work to have a baby before it was too late! I lost the few stone I’d gained doing the job as I was eating convenience food and takeaways and apparently look younger than I did when I was doing the job, despite having a baby who doesn’t like sleeping. She’s so much more I live now and don’t merely exist. I don’t have to spend evenings working until I shut my eyes to sleep for about 4 hours before getting back on the hamster wheel. Weekends are spent having fun with my husband and little girl if not catching up with friends and family who I didn’t have time for, cooking, nice walks and meals out and so much laughter. Sunday nights are no longer filled with dread but watching telly and looking forward to the week. Life is too short to be unhappy and live to work. Work is to earn money to make our lives better. Sure, it’s important to doing something fulfilling but your life sounds far from enviable right now, sorry to admit OP. Wishing you the best of luck.