To think maybe I've got my life priorities all wrong?

[Boodge]

I took a big promotion at work last year which came with a 50% pay rise and a heap of extra responsibilty. I'd only recently gone back to full time hours following my youngest starting primary school. It's been bloody hard work - steep learning curve, high-pressure deadlines. I still feel like I'm only just about doing enough to not get sacked.

I've just finished a really challenging week - goodness knows how many hours I've worked, I've been glued to my laptop day and night and over most of the weekend. DH is also really busy and has been out of the house a lot with work.

DC have watched far far too much TV because we've not had time to do anything else with them or I've got ratty with them about the amount of mess and noise they're making. They've missed out on some of their regular activities because I've simply not had the time to take an hour or two out to take them there. The house is in even more carnage than usual, which is saying something.

Is this just normal life? I feel so guilty for my DC who just don't get enough of us. Part of me wants to step back from this but I would feel like a failure.

think about…

1. Assuming you don’t save lives in your job… try to care less about it.
2. Identify what time you have to do x, y, z task and just do that.
3. Stand up for the quality of your work against the reality of the backdrop of the resource available.
4. Do fewer things well, stand by that decision
5. Remind yourself, and your employer, that you are in a senior role, paid for your thoughts, and those (points 2, 3 and 4, or a version of), are your thoughts.
6. Decide on a period of time you’ll do the job for in this way, and then review.
7. Remind yourself you’re not doing this job forever.

You have ADHD, depression and anxiety and hitting peri

You have to decide for yourself obviously OP. But personally with all that plus children to care for, I would opt for a less stressful job, since you are in a financial position to do so

Ah, the ol' ADHD burnout cycle.

Something new and shiny comes along. We over commit, partly to prove ourselves, partly because ADHDers tend to be a bit all-or- nothing.

You then crash and burn because functioning like this isn't sustainable. You are borrowing from your energy reserves to keep going.

OP, this isn't sustainable. You need time with family. You need time to nourish yourself.

Yes. I think this is the key.

I remember the first time I was asked to do something for our CX by a certain (tight ) deadline, and I just looked at everything I had on and concluded his deadline had to give. Not only was he ok with it, I think I actually went up in his estimation.

I have worked as an au pair/nanny for a very busy career woman. I had the children from the moment they woke up for breakfast when their mother had already left the house to commute to work. The father also worked long hours on a daily two hour commute. Many times the children were in bed and asleep before the parents returned. However, weekends were full of family activities and time was taken off for holidays together. It does get easier as children grow older and can stay up later. It depends what you want out of life, if you don’t need the money so much but do need the challenge of a high pressured job, then make your life easier by employing help at home. A short amount of quality time with your children means more to them and yourself than if you were there for more time but not feeling fulfilled or happy and felt resentful. Your children will respect your hard work ethics, just make sure that they have your ear when they need it.

I’m in a similar boat and just accept it’ll be like this until I get used to it. More money means more security, we can buy them things they need, add to savings etc. I’m also learning to be more present, phone away etc.

I think there’s something to be said for finding a career that you’re passionate about. I love my job and since my promotion life has become much harder, my children have noticed im more tired, not as many home cooked meals and the house is messier. BUT I love my new role, my children can see me working hard, we have more money to spend on extra treats during our family time that we didn’t have before and I make a big effort to make time to focus on my children once home from work (takes a lot of effort but I know it’s worth putting work aside and focusing on them).

Forget people who are saying quit your job, career is not important etc. obviously is important for you, you made it, worked hard for it and of course there is more in life than cleaning and driving kids to activities as some people need the stimulation and challenge - luckly otherwise there will not be any astronauts or researchers or progress - humanity will be a bunch of people working few hours a day to enjoy life and no progress.
what you need to focus on is making it work. Focus on the value added activities with the kids. Cleaning, ironing tidying is not, get a cleaner 8-10 hours a week. Cooking is not (if you don’t do it with them) - get someone who batch cooks for the week. Driving kids to activities and waiting for them is no - get someone who does that. But spend 1-2 hours a day taking to them, really connecting and listening. Do one activity with them over the weekend, a walk, some sport whatever. Be present. Book great travels which makes you all connect Vd learn. I get it’s hard now with the new job, but you will get better at it and find ways to do the 4-5 things a week that are really important for them. As you work flexibily, make sure you don’t miss the important match, play etc I know loads of now adult kids of very busy and successful parents. They did not miss the mum cleaner or cook. They are inspired by their mums, what they taught them and the leadership and value they instilled. The grew up well adjusted and with a lot of possibilities in life. Some are also very successful and happy.

I’m sorry, spending 1-2 hours a day with your child is not sufficient. Especially if it is all at an intense level. A relationship needs space where the child can be the guide on the interaction. “do one activity at the weekend” - no spend most of the weekend with your child. Help them with their homework, take them shopping to learn about finances, make choices. Get someone else to take them to clubs- no those drives can be a time when a child opens up.

Children aren’t there as another to do task on your list. When you have children you have to learn that sacrifices need to be made they are now your number one priority

@Anna79ishere

very well said

Unless I’ve missed it, the OP hasn’t said her salary level. This level of outsourcing (whilst beneficial!) could potentially eat up her entire payrise. Is it all worth it at that point?

Can you afford a cleaner and a part time nanny to help take the pressure off at home?

4 should read
Do fewer things, and do them well…

(must have been too many things for me in this list…)

I knew what you meant @BlossomOfOrange

And yes, I think that's often the key. Focus on some key wins and get those right and everyone will forgive the peripheral stuff (knowing they all have their own peripheral stuff they aren't able to get through)

I need to give myself this pep talk this week!

I’ve had the opposite angst to you op.

My first dc was 1 when I was promoted to a senior level with a great salary & all the perks - in a career that I loved. I had a great childminder & all was good.

One morning after dropping dc at childminder (lived in same road) I saw her walking past pushing him in his pram on her way to the park (they had a summer fun event on). I felt overwhelmed by jealousy (ridiculous I know).

A couple of months later I resigned. I should have worked 6 months notice but they reduced it to 1.

Since then I only worked pt & have been to every sports day etc. for both my dc. The younger one has a medical condition that needed lots of appointments & care. They are both adults now & I now work FT.

DH has always been very family focused & has turned down high flying roles.

A while back I went through a time of ‘grieving’ for the career I gave up. I felt that I was nothing & had wasted my brains.

Until my last birthday card from my dc which actually said “thank you for always being there for us” I kid you not.

I am happy that I got to share stuff with my kids. We were fortunate that dh earned a decent salary. We didn’t have loads of disposable income but we managed fine.

I think we all have to make choices & be comfortable with them.

We can also change our minds.

Success isn’t just how much you get paid or how fancy your office/company car/job title is.

Whoever said you can ‘have it all “ was telling big fat porkies!

Just make sure you are happy with your choices.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

Your children will be 18 in the blink of an eye, I speak from experience and I’m so glad I worked part time while they were young. I understand some parents can’t do this but you make your choices in life. We did without but I wanted to be there for them. This isn’t an anti feminist post,, I just couldn’t be the person who didn’t see their kids what is the point of having them and then choosing a chaotic life of trying to do everything.
you don’t have time for the kids
they watch too much tv
the house is a mess
you aren’t happy

Refer to the studies done when asking people who are dying what do they regret,, no one says I wish I’d worked more and not seen my kids much.

Write a pros and cons list,, the answer to your problems will be on the page.

Spending a weekend watching TV and missing out on some activities is not the worst for children. Being shouted at by stressed parents is though. Maybe first step is to stop feeling guilty. Your own parents probably didn't ferry you to loads of activities or played with you and you are fine. I can't remember any parent doing that in the 70s/80s. Teach your primary school dc how to make themselves a healthy snack, how to tidy up their room, how to finish their own homework and even maybe once they are 10 how to get to their activities (I sometimes just call a taxi to take them and pick up, 10 year old walk by herself). Make it a priority to listen to their problems, and help them when they really need you, but don't feel guilty for not entertaining them, cleaning up after them and being their driver.

On the flip side, i'll never regret working hard when my children were young. I did try and put in the long hours when they were in bed mainly, and did do school pickups 3 days a week (working the rest of my hours after they were in bed) and I did prioritise them at weekends, but I won't regret it the long hours at night or the stress of my workload. At 30 (due to illness illness in my twenties) I had no savings, no real pension, rented a house, and had two young children. By 40 I had savings, a decent pension and decent equity in a nice house. I don't regret letting the house get messy between visits from the cleaner and I don't regret working once the children were in bed rather than watching TV. It transformed our lives.

It's easy for my rich friends who got big house deposits and will get big inheritances to talk about the pleasure of part time /simple work, but that option would have left us really precarious

I also think saying quit your job implies that those who don’t work are magically amazing parents and those that do work aren’t.

Through my own work I know of many families and know of a lot of SAHP, for some that means they are there physically but don’t give their children the interaction and time they need, despite having the time and for others that means they give time and attention to their child and their child flourishes.

It’s the same with working parents. One of my colleagues is doing extremely well at work but I know her children are in childcare or with family most nights and some weekends so she doesn’t spend the time with them that she could, others who work full time but are off work mode whilst with their children and have told me they start working again once their children are in bed.

My job takes time and energy and sometimes my children have had quick meals in the oven instead of home cooked, are in childcare more than I would want but as soon as I’m with them I make sure I am focused on them, talking/listening to them, spending time with them and I like to think I’ve got a good balance but I’m sure I’ll look back and regret missing some school events. However, I always felt being a SAHP would be a lot of pressure because I’d want to do it to the best of my ability and know that the sacrifices financially and career wise were worth it, not opportunities for me to get stressed, be on my phone too much as I hear about from one of my friends who is a SAHM.

Quality time, attention and listening are so important.

@Boodge I’d be bugging everyone internally to find out how your company is implementing AI? One of the best use cases for INTERNAL AI systems is bid writing. Position yourself as keen to run a pilot and the burden of the initial writing at least will ease.

Also - look for an experienced cleaner who can do some light housekeeping duties. And if you have the space - an Au Pair.

also have adhd, identify with what you’ve said. Are you on medication? I’m trying to get that as I know it will help. I think - why should I struggle because I have genetically lower dopamine? There’s no innate nobility in it or anything, it’s just shit for me.

@1AngelicFruitCake that's true too. My SIL only works very part time but she's obsessed with having a perfect house and cooking perfect meals. My niece complains to me they never do anything fun because her mum is always cooking and cleaning.

Also, not having money is also stressful. Can be horribly stressful. So unless you have a wealthy spouse/ have been gifted a hefty cushion of money it's not always going to be a "low stress" option to choose to be low paid/part time.

I put my business on hold while my daughter was young , luckily I was in a position to do that , actually I don’t think it was the best plan,
I put raising her first I wanted to avoid hours in day care etc.
looking back at the last 20 years , the impact on my life was huge , she’s left home and her father and my partner of 25 years was a fraudulent arse ,am now living alone , and having to scramble to get myself on a secure financial footing , at this point my daughter could really do with some major financial help
uni etc , but the years spent not earning as I could of done has left me in no position to help her when she now really needs it.
I also think the example of a hard working parent is a good one.
if I where you I would think long and hard about stopping work,
maybe work smarter
take a walk every day
small things to re organise your work
and ultimately take the pressure off yourself
that’s the most exhausting thing
its not how much time you spend with your kids
its just about making it their time
give it a year
good luck op

This was my story at the end of last year. It could be me writing this. I gave up my job in the end after 11 months working myself to the ground and seeing no respite....but that might not be the best decision for you.

Try and assess whether this is a short term pressure because the job is new or or if the jobs will require you to work ridiculous hours for the long term.

Speak to your children, if they are old enough. Mine told me they would rather I spent time with them than the nicer things i was spending money on with the additional money.

What stage of life are your children at? Do they need you to support them emotionally or do they avoid coming to you with problems because they know you are busy.

Ask yourself what you would regret more in a years time. I certainly don't regret my decision.

I work long hours. My kids LOVE the extra money, particularly the take aways, streaming, xbox subs. I recently asked them if they would prefer for me to be more present, mentally and physically, even if it meant a significant drop in income. The answer was no we like the money! Now I'm trapped earning money they all spend as its nigh on impossible to go backwards but at least I don't feel guilty any more and can enjoy my career without Mum guilt 😁

Have you tried outsourcing more than the cleaning? I’ve heard of agencies that will fill all kinds of needs, eg shopping, being home for tradespeople, even organising if you wish.