To think maybe I've got my life priorities all wrong?

[Boodge]

I took a big promotion at work last year which came with a 50% pay rise and a heap of extra responsibilty. I'd only recently gone back to full time hours following my youngest starting primary school. It's been bloody hard work - steep learning curve, high-pressure deadlines. I still feel like I'm only just about doing enough to not get sacked.

I've just finished a really challenging week - goodness knows how many hours I've worked, I've been glued to my laptop day and night and over most of the weekend. DH is also really busy and has been out of the house a lot with work.

DC have watched far far too much TV because we've not had time to do anything else with them or I've got ratty with them about the amount of mess and noise they're making. They've missed out on some of their regular activities because I've simply not had the time to take an hour or two out to take them there. The house is in even more carnage than usual, which is saying something.

Is this just normal life? I feel so guilty for my DC who just don't get enough of us. Part of me wants to step back from this but I would feel like a failure.

Sounds like the husband isn't the issue but I'm with you. Real head in hands here as women tell another woman she should give up her successful career or 'tone it down' to focus on the house and kids. Crikey.

If you're in a position to get help in ie cleaner, gardener etc do this.
Sometimes extra cash isn't all it's made out to be, I'm self
employed and have cut back in the last two years after the DC losing their dad suddenly, it put things into perspective that time was more important than stacking up savings. Our rainy day came far sooner than I ever imagined it would, don't look back and regret the time you didn't spend as a family.

Mmm there were a lot of assumptions in the post you replied to there! People do like to fill in gaps.

Honest answer? If you’re so busy at work that you’re working in the evenings when kids are about, making them miss their clubs, then yes, the balance is off.

I work long hours/high responsibility but I do have a boundary that between 5.30pm-8pm I won’t look at messages or work, I’m with my kids then. It’s dinner bath and bed routine. I only break this rule occasionally for important client meetings (say once a month). I’m happy to work later - I don’t mind meetings at 10pm. But if I’m working through the small section of time I get to see my kids, then what’s the point?

It’s not worth it for them to perceive mum as a shouty stressed person while they were growing up.

I don’t know your industry, but I feel like if you’re director level, you should be able to set that boundary?

Also remember, unless you’re a doctor/emergency services/social worker/a job that involves protecting people from harm, all urgency at work is manufactured urgency.

I agree about the job, but the problem is that someone has to focus on the house and kids. The house can be outsourced. The kids too, at least to a certain extent, but it's not ideal if they're constantly outsourced the whole time and hardly receiving any parental attention.

But the OP is struggling.

Quitting is always an option, and doesn't constitute failure.

Surely feminism is about empowering women to make the right decisions for themselves, not pressuring them to live up to societal expectations all the time?

You're not much good for anything if you drop dead from a stress-induced heart attack.

Do you have a team who report into you that you can delegate some of this to?

Getting a more senior position isn’t just about doing more or working harder. You also need to think about what you stop doing due to your promotion.

Also you need to set some clear boundaries with work. Are the targets just unachievable?

Also is there someone outside of your team in a more senior position who could act as a mentor for you?

My friend has a lady who comes in 5-8:30 3 days a week to help out. If friend is around this lady does housework/ meal prep and if friend is late back from work this lady takes kids to activities/ gives them dinner/ helps with a bit of homework etc.

is something like that an option? If you’re near a university you might find a student who would want those hours.

I'd be spending some money on getting someone to help you get your house in order.

Get organised and put the resources where you need them so you can get some work/life balance. You might need a "Person Friday" - someone who can do some housework, laundry, run kids to school/activities, cook some healthy food. Do you have a spare room? A live in person maybe?

Also, define success. It's not all down to having a senior position in a corporation. It can feel like that depending on your circles. You need to manage this.

Yes, OP literally describes herself as dog tired. Says all she wants to do now is sleep. There's fuck all feminist about exhaustion.

I could have written your post OP, very very similar - the reality is that for these types of roles with family life either the partner needs to drop back on their work and pick up more at home or outsource it so the family time you do get is quality time. I just feel like I’m not doing either very well if try to do both.

Absolutely. Looking after yourself is vital. No-one else is going to do it.

But you haven’t failed. You are a success! You got that job. Tick. If you leave you will always know you succeeded. and you can always go back one day - it might not seem like it but I’m over 50 and seem to be more in demand now.

I ended up a SAHM , because I'd 2 DC with autism and learning disabilities.
But also because I was a latch key kid ,
My kids had a wonderful childhood ,they had the childhood I dreamed about .
They are adults now , selfish adults ,confident adults ,I don't honestly think they give their childhood a second thought .
..I sacrificed a lot for them ,...but as people will point out ,no one forced me to give so much of myself to them.
I totally regret it,
I wish I'd gone back to work and pushed through the screaming everytime a childminder was mentioned.
I'm now 50 and I've no Career, nothing I'm good at ,and no skills ,I've also still got one at home with a EOTAS package,so I can't even start looking for work .
My husband pushed for me to be a SAHM, meant he could do fuck all at home and leave everything to me ,which he did ,and they did ,and before I knew it I was clearing up after 6 people,doing everything for 5 adults and one teen .
And the only person to blame is me ..

Because the OP sounds like exhausted, stressed and miserable!
This is not what feminism should look like! Nobody is saying give up work altogether and get your pinny on. Just that the OPs lifestyle isn't good for anybody, particularly HER! Feminism and supporting other women should be about choice not encouraging working mothers to destroy themselves and their relationship with their children i.e sticking them in front of the telly all day, shouting at them and them missing out on activities, whilst OP is stressed out and 'dog tired'

Use extra cash for a cleaner, gardener, local help to take the kids to activities. Pay for drudgery to get done so the time you do have is quality time with the kids. That is what most successful high powered women I know do.

This makes me sad. I was doing this in 2021. Worked myself into a massive breakdown and burnout. Went back to work too soon and another burnout occurred.

The impact it had on my children is lasting and I regret that my 9 year old can spot me having a panic attack.

After all, it's my job as a mum to protect them and support them.

I left that job and got a new one that's flexible, less money and less demand.

Your obituary won't say "was brilliant at meeting deadlines. Could juggle 60 billiom spreadsheets at once and earned £XX,XXXX"

It'll say "loving mother to X and X"

You are replaceable at work. In an instant. But you only get one mum🌷

I now have secondary school children and wish I hadn't given up my career BUT you need help if both you & DH are going to work full time high stress jobs. Any friends that successfully combined parenting with a career had live-in help. An after school nanny or live-in au pair would be ideal for school pick-ups & running around to after school activities, supervise homework and feed the kids if you don't make it home in time to cook/for dinner. Get yourself a cleaner and outsource ironing (laundry if you can afford it) and make sure you spend quality time together as a family at the weekend.

@Boodge it depends on how you define success. For some it’s money, job, status, material possessions for others it’s time and happiness. If you can afford to go back to a previous role that’s less stress for now, why not. If you’re comfortable with less money for a rainy day then I would take a step back if I were you. Life’s too short to not spend it with your children. I know career is a defining success for a lot of women but if you think of yourself looking back in 20/30 years time what would you think? Would you think I’m so glad I slogged my guts out for work or would have rather spent the time with your children and been kinder to yourself? If money is not an issue then I know what I would do, life is short and being ‘successful’ isn’t the be all and end all. Best of luck to you

i see you addressed that your DH is doing his fair share. That is the most important piece.

there is a particular kind of privilege in being able to choose your level of career and lifestyle. Being in a place where you can live comfortably and have a better life balance or deal with crazy hours and have extra money is a luxury. So start be acknowledging that to yourself. It is important as you deal with this because there are plenty of people who struggle and are just scraping by.

When I was faced with this choice, I decided on a more mellow life. We were still perfectly comfortable, we just didn’t have obscene amounts of money coming in. I do not regret my decision, even if occasionally I think about what I could have done with all that cash.

if you are enjoying the job though and part of this is a short-term learning curve issue, then there is a solution. Hire an after-school/evening nanny/household manager. You need someone who can run the children to activities, make dinner, and tidy up the house. When you are available, that person can still be there helping out with the less fun aspects of household life and you will be free to completely focus on the children.

Honestly op that type of stress wouldn't work for me - not just because l have a child, just who needs to live with that kind of pressure? Can you afford to drop back down to a lower level?

I can tell you that you'll never look back and think fondly of all the time you missed with them and spent on work

I do look back and think that missing the fingerpainting was worth it, as it means they can now go to any university they want to and I can help to get them on housing ladder.

Just to echo @Ponderingwindow -don't underestimate the value (to both you & the DC) in having someone there to do the chores leaving you free to properly engage with your children after a long day. Whether that's bedtime story, bath time, sitting down and helping with homework or just playing - that's what kids remember not you driving them around to clubs or cooking dinner!

Is your job with its deadlines actually realistic? As in do you think that the deadlines set and workload is doable after learning to do the job? Or do you think your employer is taking the piss expecting so much of you? When you work out the hours you are working and the pay you are getting is it worth it for you?

Would outsourcing some jobs ease the burden? Cleaner, meal service, childcare ie after school club or in your home? How fulfilled are you in the job?

Have you only been in the job since September? Can you talk to anyone about your workload and how long it should be taking you? My friend believed that she was hanging on to her job by the seat of her pants when in reality management thought she was amazing and reworked her hours to keep her in post.