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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell H I will leave him if he ever says this again?

246 replies

FuckedOff11 · 17/10/2023 11:32

Background is we own a business together. We are very busy at the moment and so it's a bit stressful.

As always kids have the worst timing and I was rang today to collect our child from nursery because he's unwell.

H has flipped out (in front of other people who work with us) shouted at me that there's no way I'm being off tomorrow and if I don't ring nursery and refuse to pick DC up then he's not "paying me" (as if that's up to him when it's my business too).

Now I'm not actually worried about the money. I don't need his permission to pay myself, he's not my employer but I am absolutely raging about the way he spoke to me and the fact he thinks, whether he could do it or not, he can threaten me with money. It is not the first time he's threatened not to "pay me" if I don't do what he thinks is reasonable. I'm also appalled he thinks I should be refusing to pick our child up. I told him if he wants to go ahead and ring nursery he can get himself reported to SS but I'll be going to collect our child.

Now I'm at home stewing.

I know I'm not unreasonable to be mad. But my head can't stop going to immediately leaving, stressed or not, he acted so unacceptably.

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 17/10/2023 11:35

YANBU.

TokyoSushi · 17/10/2023 11:36

YANBU at all, he's being ridiculous.

BerriesNutsConkers · 17/10/2023 11:37

I don't know if I could get past that comment, especially if it's not the first time!

If he can't accept he is wrong here then I don't think you can move forward together.

Jellycats4life · 17/10/2023 11:37

What an arsehole. So he wants to punish you, humiliate you AND doesn’t give a shit about his unwell child?

This is normal life for a parent.

I don’t blame you for giving him an ultimatum. He’s telling you that he only truly cares about one thing - work.

DaftQuestionForToday · 17/10/2023 11:38

What an absolute wanker.

it shows what he thinks of you! Employee, not business partner.

id be seriously looking at how to split the business or one buy the other out & get divorced. He doesn't value or respect you, nor seemingly care much about the toddler.

i couldn't stay with someone like that.

VickyEadieofThigh · 17/10/2023 11:38

YANBU. A serious, sit-down talk is urgently needed here.

GCAcademic · 17/10/2023 11:39

Who the fuck does he think he is? Not a decent father or husband, that's for sure. I'd say he sees you as his employee, but the fact is that most bosses don't speak to employees like that (they'd be facing a grievance if they did).

Mumsanetta · 17/10/2023 11:39

”I cannot be with a man with such little respect for me that he would speak like that to me. So I want you to know that if you EVER speak to me like that again, I will leave you. If you try to justify the way you spoke to me, I will leave you. And that is not a threat, but a promise, because I deserve better.” This will work as either a text message or said face to face, but the key is to mean it with every fibre of your being.

zerored · 17/10/2023 11:39

YANBU. I think there are two issues here, the first is his attitude towards you (controlling and disrespectful), and the second is that he seems to value the business over the health of his child. Is this out of character for him? Stress can make people act in different ways, but obviously this isn't an excuse. Personally I'd wait a few days for things to calm down and talk to him about it, then make a decision from there based on his response.

MrsHedgewitch · 17/10/2023 11:40

I would be leaving this despicable person. Being a single parent is so much calmer, safer, nicer than living with that for you and your child.

DaftQuestionForToday · 17/10/2023 11:40

I wouldn't bother with an ultimatum or a 'sit down talk'. There's no point, because it's not about him 'not doing it again' it's about how he feels about you, your marriage & your child and he's told you loud & clear.

Spacecowboys · 17/10/2023 11:40

I’d be furious , not only because you own the business as well but for speaking to you like that. Who does he think he is? My temper would have got the better of me in this situation and id have let him have it. Get him told.

Quitelikeit · 17/10/2023 11:41

Oft id be absolutely furious

What type of arsehole says that about their own child?

I hate this man already

Honestly I’d be writing him a scathing message

I daresnt think what else goes on in your marriage

I bet the staff hate him too!

Brefugee · 17/10/2023 11:41

I'd be extricating myself from any financial and/or business entanglement and if he ever came close to anything like that again I'd be off.

Jewelspun · 17/10/2023 11:42

The bottom line is that his child being unwell is a low priority.

I couldn't be with a man like that.

WHALESURPRISE · 17/10/2023 11:43

The fact he did this in front of your colleagues is just the icing on the cake. Ugh.

10HailMarys · 17/10/2023 11:43

Why the hell have you put up with this until now? He’s a horrible man who doesn’t give a shit about his own child and bullies you in front of your employees. You are the co-owner of the business and he has zero right to decide whether you get paid. He’s not your boss, he is your husband and business partner. So many red flags here.

declutteringmymind · 17/10/2023 11:44

Resign. And get a job where you're treated with respect.

declutteringmymind · 17/10/2023 11:45

Or get signed off.

SadlyACupOfTeaDoesNotSolveEverything · 17/10/2023 11:48

The best advice I ever received was simple - when someone tells you who they are, listen.

KookyAndSpooky · 17/10/2023 11:49

He's a prick. Tell him that you'd like to discuss his recent behaviour at his upcoming appraisal next time you're in earshot of your team.

Seriously though, I'd start thinking about how I held myself in the workplace. Make sure you aren't being ordered about by your DH day-to-day. It's easy to become the more laid-back, easy-going business partner that isn't taken as seriously by the team. You need to respect yourself, your DH clearly doesn't respect you as a business partner.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 17/10/2023 11:50

Has he said anything like this before? I just can’t imagine my own DH saying or thinking anything like it.

Maybe it’s a one off as it’s bought you posting on MN. But yes, if he says it again then leave.

AmandaHoldensLips · 17/10/2023 11:53

I would go completely postal at this. Who made him the fucking king of the world?

pontipinemum · 17/10/2023 11:55

I would actually be fuming!!!! Every part of his behaviour would have me so angry and honestly I don't get angry too often

DS was sick last week, DH is a farmer so self employed. I had to call him to collect DS from nursery. He just said I'm leave now.

SkyFullofStars1975 · 17/10/2023 11:55

Jesus wept, I can't believe that get signed off comment. As if that fucking works when it's your business Hmm are people really that stupid?!

DH and I run a business together, I get you completely OP. I would wait until he's home, and then have the "you ever speak to me like that again in front of ANYONE at work, it's done". And mean it. Can you extricate yourself if you have to?

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